Hi losers!! When are you coming to Perth????? It's beyond hot over here at the moment thank god for the pool!!!!!

Glad you are both having lots of fun, maybe see you soon

Rachxx

Hey up you too hope things are still going well? Just been havin my usual busy Monday morning, sat in my dressing gown still at 10.15am, checking emails, catching up with your travels, LOL. Your missing some great weather over here, its bloody freezing and things keep blowing away and that include lorries!!! Still same old crap in Baildon but just bought a property in Cape Verde with my bro so let the global take over commence Ha HA!!. Anyway have fun and take care xx

Hi to both of you! Just been looking through your new pictures, they are brill very distracting when im trying to plan my RE lesson. I do very much enjoy the comments you add to them. Was great to speak to you this morning we def needed a catch up as 56mins wasn't long enough as I've still got loads to tell you. Looking forward to the next set of pics and the stories from the campa, Love you and miss you lots, Claire xxx

Hi you two!

Well just checked out your latest pictures - very depressing now we are back home! Thanks for the one of us asleep - amusing!! Hope you have enjoyed the rest of your time in Sydney as i know you are moving on soon to go up the east coast you lucky things - I want to come back!!

Take care and keep in touch!!

Sally x x x

Hi Ed & Kate,

Just seen the Crimble photos, glad to see that you are sticking to what you're good at.......................... Drinking!!!!

Glad you had a good time, although some words would be helpful as some of us don't know the helpers that keep taking you to the pub!

Everybody is back in normal winter mode here in the UK, getting wet. We are going through a period of extreme rain (again) with flood warnings posted all over the country and a forecast of 3 more days of continuous heavy rain, luckily it hasn't reached as far as Barmby yet.

Right that's enough from me, just wanted to comment on the photos, so all the best

Love Susan and Kevin

Today's joke(s):

This is an actual job application that a 17 year old boy submitted to McDonald's in Florida... and they hired him because he was so honest and funny!

NAME: Greg Bulmash.

SEX: Not yet. Still waiting for the right person.

DESIRED POSITION: Company's President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.

DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.

EDUCATION: Yes.

LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.

SALARY: Less than I'm worth.

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.

REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.

PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?: Of what?

DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing house Sweepstakes.

DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job no, on my breaks yes.

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde super model who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: Yes. Absolutely.

SIGN HERE: Aries.

Hey guys!!

Just wanted to send you a quick message because I've not been in touch for ages! Love the Christmas pictures, they definately cheered this miserable morning up.... yes its raining and cold and yes it does suck!! Anyway hope you are both well and taking care of each other, you look like you are having a fantasic time!

Kate i have loads of gossip for you so i will make sure I email you this weekend.

Lots of love

Em xxx

Hi Ed and Kate,

2 mins after my last post i found this and as it related to Sidney Radio thought I must send it to you:

Sydney radio - This is a corker Just imagine sitting in traffic on your way to work and hearing this.

Many Sydney folks DID hear this on the FOX FM morning show in Sydney.
The DJs play a game where they award winners great prizes. The game is Called "Mate Match". The DJs call someone at work and ask if they are married or seriously involved with someone. If the contestant answers "yes", he or she is then asked 3 random yet highly personal questions.
The person is also asked to divulge the name of their partner (with phone number) for verification. If their partner answers those same three questions correctly, they both win the prize.

One particular game, however, several months ago made the Harbour City drop to its knees with laughter and is possibly the funniest thing you've heard yet. Anyway, here's how it all went down:

DJ: "Hey! This is Ed on FOX-FM. Have you ever heard of 'Mate Match'?"

Contestant: (laughing) "Yes, I have."

DJ: "Great! Then you know we're giving away a trip to the Gold Coast if you win.
What is your name? First only please."

Contestant: "Brian."

DJ: "Brian, are you married or what?"

Brian: (laughing nervously) "Yes, I am married."

DJ: "Thank you. Now, what is your wife's name? First only please."

Brian: "Sara."

DJ: "Is Sara at work, Brian?"

Brian: "She is gonna kill me."

DJ: "Stay with me here, Brian! Is she at work?"

Brian: (laughing) "Yes, she's at work."

DJ: "Okay, first question - when was the last time you had sex?"

Brian: "About 8 o'clock this morning."

DJ: "Atta boy, Brian."

Brian: (laughing sheepishly) "Well..."

DJ: "Question #2 - How long did it last?"

Brian: "About 10 minutes."

DJ: "Wow! You really want that trip, huh? No one would ever have said that if a trip wasn't at stake."

Brian: "Yeah, that trip sure would be nice."

DJ: "Okay. Final question. Where did you have sex at 8 o'clock this morning?

Brian: (laughing hard) "I, ummm, I, well..."

DJ: "This sounds good, Brian. Where was it at?"

Brian: "Not that it was all that great, but her mum is staying with us for a couple of weeks..."

DJ: "Uh huh..."

Brian: "...and the Mother-In-Law was in the shower at the time."

DJ: "Atta boy, Brian."

Brian: "On the kitchen table."

DJ: "Not that great?? That is more adventure than the previous hundred times I've done it. Okay folks, I will put Brian on hold, get this wife's work number and call her up. You listen to this."

[3 minutes of commercials follow. ]

DJ: "Okay audience; let's call Sara, shall we?" (touch tones.....ringing....)

Clerk: "Kinkos."

DJ: "Hey, is Sara around there somewhere?"

Clerk: "This is she."

DJ: "Sara, this is Ed with FOX-FM. We are live on the air right now and I've been talking with Brian for a couple of hours now."

Sara: (laughing) "A couple of hours?"

DJ: "Well, a while now. He is on the line with us. Brian knows not to give anyanswers away or you'll lose. Sooooooo... do you know the rules of 'Mate Match'?"

Sara: "No."

DJ: "Good!"

Brian: (laughing)

Sara: (laughing) "Brian, what the hell are you up to?"

Brian: (laughing) "Just answer his questions honestly, okay? Be completely honest."

DJ: "Yeah yeah yeah. Sure. Now, I will ask you 3 questions, Sara. If your answers match Brian's answers, then the both of you will be off to the Gold Coast for 5 days on us.

Sara: (laughing) "Yes."

DJ: "Alright. When did you last have sex, Sara?"

Sara: "Oh God, Brian....uh, this morning before Brian went to work."

DJ: "What time?"

Sara: "Around 8 this morning."

DJ: "Very good. Next question. How long did it last?"

Sara: "12, 15 minutes maybe."

DJ: "Hmmmm. That's close enough. I am sure she is trying to protect his manhood. We've got one last question, Sara. You are one question away from a trip to the Gold Coast. Are you ready?"

Sara: (laughing) "Yes."

DJ: "Where did you have it?"

Sara: "OH MY GOD, BRIAN!! You didn't tell them that did you?"

Brian: "Just tell him, honey."

DJ: "What is bothering you so much, Sara?"

Sara: "Well..."

DJ: Come on Sara..... where did you have it?

Sara: "Up the ar$e....."

After a long pause, the DJ said, "Folks, we need to take a station break"

And the drivers of Sydney almost crashed their cars laughing

Hi Ed and Kate,

You're going to love me for this one - please make sure that you have nothing to do for the next few days before starting!

Thought I'd better send another message as it's a week since the last one. Have you recovered from New Years Eve yet?

As you can gather I'm writing his on the 7th of Jan, after the take the crimble decorations deadline, so you can guess that yesterday was quite busy. Trips to the tip, up in the loft putting away for next year, friends (Ronnie and Cyntia - you can always rely on them (bit like your M & D Ed)) round for drinks - does this sound familiar? Although as it was Sunday we only had a box of White wine (French not Oz).

Satuday, I had to go down to Vicki's to take Rhys's bike and sundry other things that they couldn't get in their car when they went home. Not a bad trip, but I must be getting old, 270 miles in 5 hours made me quite weary next time I will have more of a rest. However the 06:00am start helped, roads were deserted, but when I got to Vicki's I had to ring them up to get them out of bed to let me in!

Not had a "Blog" posting for a while, so can't quite keep up with what you are up to, but don't blame you if you are both working - how do you fit it in amongst all the "tinnies"? Sue has saved all the Crimble cards, to make sure that we don't miss anyone next year, but don't besurprised if next year your card is sent to Sydney (whoever he is).

Everybdy here is in "usual English Winter Mode" we've all got colds, and there is a sickness and squits bug going round (too much information I hear you say), but hopefully all of this will be passing you by. We've had the 1st snow of the winter, but it was all a storm in a teacup woke up to white everywhere, but by 11:00am it was back to the normal dirty grey slush, bit disappointing really. By the way I haven't seen any photo's of you having Christmas Dinner on Bondi Beach - or is that too OTT even for you?

Sorry to say that's about all I have too say, unlike some of your younger friends, my messages are all very mundane but must remind you of what life is really like back in poor old "Blighty".

Love and best wishes from

Kevin and Susan

Today's joke:

Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other: "Your round."
The other one says: "So are you, you fat b******." A topical message from our sponsor: Christmas Changes The recent announcement that Donner and Blitzen have elected to take the early reindeer retirement package has triggered a good deal of concern about whether they will be replaced, and about other restructuring decisions at the North Pole.
Streamlining is due to the North Pole's loss of dominance in the season's gift distribution business. Home Shopping TV channels and mail order catalogues have diminished Santa's market share. He and the Board could not sit idly by and permit further erosion of the profit picture.

The reindeer downsizing was made possible through purchase of a late model Japanese sled for the CEO's annual trip. Improved productivity from Dasher and Dancer, who summered at the Harvard Business School, is anticipated. Reduction in the reindeer will also lessen airborne environmental emissions for which the North Pole has received unfavorable press (gas and solid waste).

We're pleased to inform you that Rudolph's role will not be disturbed. Tradition still counts for something at the North Pole!

Management denies, in the strongest possible language, the earlier leak that Rudolph's nose get red, not from the cold, but from substance abuse. Calling Rudolph "a lush who was into the sauce and never did pull his share of the load" was an unfortunate comment, made by one of Santa's helpers and taken out of context at a time of the year when they are known to be under 'executive stress'.

As for further restructuring, today's global challenges require the North Pole to continue to look for better, more competitive steps. Effective immediately, the following economy measures are to take place in the "Twelve Days of Christmas" music subsidiary:

1) The partridge will be retained, but the pear tree, which never produced the cash crop forecasted, will be replaced by a plastic hanging plant, providing considerable savings in maintenance;

2) Two turtle doves represent a redundancy that is simply not cost effective. In addition, their romance during working hours could not be condoned. The positions are, therefore, eliminated;

3) The three French hens will remain intact. After all, everyone loves the French;

4) The four calling birds will be replaced by an automated voice mail system, with a call waiting option. An analysis is underway to determine who the birds have been calling, how often and how long they talked;

5) The five golden rings have been put on hold by the Board of Directors. Maintaining a portfolio based on one commodity could have negative implications for institutional investors. Diversification into other precious metals, as well as a mix of T-Bills and high technology stocks, appear to be in order;

6) The six geese-a-laying constitutes a luxury which can no longer be afforded. It has long been felt that the production rate of one egg per goose per day was an example of the general decline in productivity. Three geese will be let go, and an upgrading in the selection procedure by personnel will assure management that, from now on, every goose it gets will be a good one;

7) The seven swans-a-swimming is obviously a number chosen in better times. The function is primarily decorative. Mechanical swans are on order. The current swans will be retrained to learn some new strokes, thereby enhancing their outplacement;

8) As you know, the eight maids-a-milking concept has been under heavy scrutiny by the EEOC. A male/female balance in the workforce is being sought. The more militant maids consider this a dead-end job with no upward mobility. Automation of the process may permit the maids to try a-mending, a-mentoring or a-mulching;

9) Nine ladies dancing has always been an odd number. This function will be phased out as these individuals grow older and can no longer do the steps;

10) Ten Lords-a-leaping is overkill. The high cost of Lords, plus the expense of international air travel, prompted the Compensation Committee to suggest replacing this group with ten out-of-work congressmen. While leaping ability may be somewhat sacrificed, the savings are significant as we expect an oversupply of unemployed congressmen this year;

11) Eleven pipers piping and twelve drummers drumming is a simple case of the band getting too big. A substitution with a string quartet, a cutback on new music, and no uniforms, will produce savings which will drop right to the bottom line;

Overall we can expect a substantial reduction in assorted people, fowl, animals and related expenses. Though incomplete, studies indicate that stretching deliveries over twelve days is inefficient. If we can drop ship in one day, service levels will be improved.

Regarding the lawsuit filed by the attorney's association seeking expansion to include the legal profession ("thirteen lawyers-a-suing"), a decision is pending.

Deeper cuts may be necessary in the future to remain competitive. Should that happen, the Board will request management to scrutinize the Snow White Division to see if seven dwarfs is the right number. The following will confirm all you ever thought about me was correct (bet you don't make it to the end): Butcher Dance A guy has spent five years travelling all around the world making a documentary on Native dances. At the end of this time, he has every single native dance of every indigenous culture in the world on film. He winds up in Australia, in Alice Springs, so he pops into a pub for a well earned beer.

He gets talking to one of the local Aborigines and tells him about his project. The Aborigine asks the guy what he thought of the "Butcher Dance."

The guy's a bit confused and says "Butcher Dance? What's that?"

"What? You no see Butcher Dance?"

"No, I've never heard of it."

"Oh mate. You crazy. How you say you film every native dance if you no see Butcher Dance?"

"UmmSUM. I got a corroborree on film just the other week. Is that what you mean?"

"No, no, not corroborree. Butcher Dance much more important than corroborree."

"Oh, well how can I see this Butcher Dance then?" "Mate, Butcher Dance right out bush. Many days travel to go see Butcher Dance."

"Look, I've been everywhere from the forests of the Amazon, to deepest darkest Africa, to the frozen wastes of the Arctic filming these dances. Nothing will prevent me from recording this one last dance."

"OK, mate. You drive north along highway towards Darwin. After you drive 197 miles, you see dirt track veer off to left. Follow dirt track for 126 miles 'til you see big huge dead gum tree - biggest tree you ever see. Here you gotta leave car, coz much to rough for driving. You strike out due west into setting sun. You walk 3 days 'til you hit creek. You follow this creek to Northwest. After 2 days you find where creek flows out of rocky mountains. Much too difficult to cross mountains here though. You now head south for half day 'til you see pass through mountains. Pass very difficult, very dangerous. Take 2, maybe 3 days to get through rocky pass. When through, head north-west for 4 days 'til reach big huge rock - 20 ft high and shaped like man's head. >From rock, walk due west for 2 days and you find village. Here you see Butcher Dance."

So the guy grabs his camera crew and equipment and heads out. After a couple of hours he finds the dirt track. The track is in a shocking state and he's forced to crawl along at a snails pace and so he doesn't reach the tree until dusk and he's forced to set up camp for the night.

He sets out bright and early the following morning. His spirits are high and he's excited about the prospect of capturing on film this mysterious dance which he had never heard mention of before. True to the directions he has been given, he reaches the creek after three days and follows it for another two until they reach the rocky mountains.

The merciless sun is starting to take its toll by this time and his spirits are starting to flag, but wearily he trudges on until he finds the pass through the hills - nothing will prevent him from completing his life's dream. The mountains prove to be every bit as treacherous as their guide said and at times they almost despair of getting their bulky equipment through. But after three and a half days of back breaking effort they finally force their way clear and continue their long trek.

When they reach the huge rock, four days later, their water is running low and their feet are covered with blisters but they steel themselves and head out on the last leg of their journey. Two days later they virtually stagger into the village where the natives feed them and and give them fresh water and they begin to feel like new men. Once he's recovered enough, the guy goes before the village chief and tells him that he has come to film their Butcher Dance.

"Oh mate. Very bad you come today. Butcher Dance last night. You too late.

You miss dance." "Well, when do you hold the next dance?" "Not 'til next year." "Well, I've come all this way. Couldn't you just hold an extra dance for me, tonight?"

"No, no, no! Butcher Dance very holy. Only hold once a year. If hold more, gods get very angry and destroy village! You want see Butcher Dance you come back next year." The guy is devastated, but he has no other option but to head back to civilisation and back home.

The following year, he heads back to Australia and, determined not to miss out again, sets out a week earlier than last time. He is quite willing to spend a week in the village before the dance is performed in order to ensure he is present to witness it.

However, right from the start things go wrong. Heavy rains that year have turned the dirt track to mud and the car gets bogged every few miles, finally forcing them to abandon their vehicles and slog through the mud on foot almost half the distance to the tree. They reach the creek and the mountains without any further hitch, but halfway through the ascent of the mountain they are struck by a fierce storm which rages for several days, during which they are forced to cling forlornly to the mountainside until it subsides. It would be suicide to attempt to scale the treacherous paths in the face of such savage elements.

Then, before they have travelled a mile out from the mountains, one of the crew sprains his ankle badly which slows down the rest of their journey to the rock and then the village enormously. Eventually, having lost all sense of how long they have been travelling, they stagger into the village at about 12:00 noon.

"The Butcher Dance!" gasps the guy. "Please don't tell me I'm too late!"

The chief recognises him and says "No, white fella. Butcher Dance performed tonight. You come just in time."

Relieved beyond measure, the crew spend the rest of the afternoon setting up their equipment - preparing to capture the night's ritual on celluloid As dusk falls, the natives start to cover there bodies in white paint and adorn themselves in all manner of bird's feathers and animal skins. Once darkness has settled fully over the land, the natives form a circle around a huge roaring fire. A deathly hush descends over performers and spectators alike as a wizened old figure with elaborate swirling designs covering his entire body enters the circle and begins to chant. Some sort of witch doctor or medicine man, figures the guy and he whispers to the chief "What's he doing?"

"Hush" whispers the chief. "You first white man ever to see most sacred of our rituals. Must remain silent. Holy man, he asks that the spirits of the dreamworld watch as we demonstrate our devotion to them through our dance and, if they like our dancing, will they be so gracious as to watch over us and protect us for another year."

The chanting of the Holy man reaches a stunning crescendo before he removes himself from the circle. From somewhere the rhythmic pounding of drums booms out across the land and the natives begin to sway to the stirring rhythm.

The guy is becoming caught up in the fervour of the moment himself. This is it. He now realises beyond all doubt that his wait has not been in vain. He is about to witness the ultimate performance of rhythm and movement ever conceived by mankind.

The chief strides to his position in the circle and, in a big booming voice, starts to sing: "You butch yer left leg in. You butch yer left leg out, in, out, in, out, you shake it all about"

Today's Poem:

On night in late October

As I was far from sober

and carting home a load with manly pride

my feet began to stutter

so I laid down in the gutter

and a pig came by and laid down by my side

Then I murmered it's fine weather when good fellows get together

till a lady walking by was heard to say

You can tell a man who boozes by the company he chooses

and the the pig got up and slowly walked away!

HAPPY NEW YEAR MISS BAKER AND EDWARD!!!!

Hope that you both are still having a fabulous time. Just a short little message (sorry) but I have emailed you too missus on [email protected]!!!! Missing you like mad - we are closer than you think!!!!

Love you very very much. All my love ...

... Becca Buddha x x x x

Hi Ed and Kate

Just a short message to wish you Happy New Year!!!!!!!!!.

Sue spoke to Jane earlier and heard about your "awesome" New Year Party, sounds great, it was good here in Barmby - there was a firework and everything. We had a quiet evening - Vicki and family were over at Nigel's Dad's, but we had Graham and Eileen and friends Geoff and Pat, started serious drinking at 16:10 and finished at 01:00am. had 4 courses of food, including Lobster, ham, lamb, etc. so had too much of everything. It was a bit different to Ozland, it was p**ing down, cold and blowing a gale, but a good time was had by all despite this.

So Happy New Year from us all and hope to see an update from you soon.

Love

K & S

Today's joke:-

Tommy Cooper was introduced to the Queen after a Royal Command Performance.

'Do you think I was funny?' said Tommy.
'Yes Tommy,' said the Queen.
'You really thought I was funny?', said Tommy.
'Yes of course I thought you were funny' said the Queen.
'Did your Mother think I was funny?' said Tommy.
'Yes, Tommy...' said the Queen, '...we both thought you were funny.'
'Do you mind if I ask you a personal question?' said Tommy.
'No, ..." said the Queen, '....but I might not be able to give you a full answer.'
'Do you like football?' said Tommy.
'Well not really ' said the Queen.'
'In that case, ...' said Tommy, '....do you mind if I have your Cup Final Tickets?'

Happy Christmas Teddy and Kate. Hoep you are both ok, sorry i missed your call ed was fast alseep from working nights!!

Everything still looks awesome, jsut had a chat with marcus who said he isnt too far from you.

Very confused though,,,, is that Pippa jackson and if so is she in australia??

How is nearly finshed, just bought one of those big american fridges today.. come on christmas sales.

Im good as is Jules, dog is good, havent seen any of the lads for while just been so busy, hope to hear from you soon mate

xx

Hi there Ed & Kate - MERRY CHRISTMAS.

It is now 21:00hrs on Christmas day night. Hope you had an awesome day (bloody hell, you've got me doing it now). We've had an interesting one. Up at 05:50am with the kids, all opening their presents in the lounge. Rhys was a bit down because he hadn't got the one thing he really wanted - a Minimoto motor bike - until we took him into the conservatory where he found a Minimoto Motor bike.

at 10:00am Nigel and Rhys went out to a field, where the locals ridr their dirt bikes so that he could have a go. Nigel went to start the bike (it's a pull start) and the bl**dy start rope came off in his hand. He rang me (who is supposed to be cooking Christmas dinner) and i went down with my tool box. 5hrs later we had to give up as dinner was ready, curteousy of Vicki and Susan and 3 bottles of VINTAGE Rose Cava.

Still we had a good dinner, and then started (in the conservatory to try to get the bike back together. At 20:30 Nigel finally managed to get all the parts together, in working mode, so first thing in the morning Rhys and Nigel are going to go out so Nigel can teach Rhys how to ride Off road. When they get back to Marham, he is going to be riding it on the track, with professional instruction so watch out for a Rhysatino Green rossi in a few years.

That's all for now, but will try to send a new message before New Year, depending on how many jokes I get in the mean time.

LOL

Sue, kevin, Vicki, Nigel, Rhys, Ellie and Taylor.

Today's Joke.

I was in Tesco the other day andfound a little boy crying in one of the aisles. I went over and asked him what was wrong. "i lost my mummy" he said. "would you like me to hel you find her" i said. "yes, please" he said. "What's she like" i said. "Big C*cks and Barcardi Breezers" he replied!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!