Where do I begin! What a wwwhirlwind it's been, this crazy "quick, gimme a job" visit to Lizard Island.

Flying across the sea and looking down on the Reef from our tiny 4 seater plane was mind-blowing to say the least. I know I've just about exhausted my stock of hyperbole this last year in my postcards, but this natural Wonder of the World just took my breath away and the experience shot up to the top 3 of this whole trip. There are no words to describe it, other than to say it's like a living precious jewel. Wow.

So after an hour Lizard Island looms into view and by the looks of it, I really thought I was going to be greeted by an Asian dwarf and a graying Spanish man in white suits. Talk about a fantasy! I was met instead by the HR lady and given a 5-minute tour of the facility and promptly crashed back to earth. Squalid would be the only way to describe the staff quarters. Not just unkempt but absolutely dirty and obviously neglected for many years. I felt a bit of a gulp coming on and wondered if I was just being squeamish. But the HR lady was reticent in a sort of Yes it is rather horrendous and I'm quite embarrassed and can't wait to end this tour, sort of way. So off she went with a "see you later...." and no more instructions. Feeling rather pathetic and talking to her back as she walked away, I asked what I should do. She said to take the rest of the day to settle in and then make my way to the Housekeeping dept in the morning. You're on your own mate! Mmm.

So I milled about and tried to make the best of my filthy little room sweeping up the ten thousand (unknown) insect corpses and wiping down the gecko poo and grimy aircon condensation off the walls. The shared bathroom really was unacceptable but something told me that if I couldn't live with it then I'd have to just sort it out myself. Which I did. What a rude awakening. I knew the resort was as plush as you can get but I didn't expect the staff set-up to be the absolute opposite. But as time went on, I realized that Lizard is a place of extremes and the Ying and Yang theme of my trip was very apparent here. So I get to live in paradise, but live like a slave in a prison! How weird! If I thought I'd had no creature comforts before when traveling, then this was just taking the cake (literally). This took me a week or two to reconcile but being there felt right somehow and I knew I could take on the challenge - one step at a time.

The first step was becoming accustomed to the living conditions and this really was like prison (I imagine). You have to beg, borrow, steal or barter any things that can make your room or your life there nicer. I soon got to know who had what and who could get what. A lamp for example, rather than living under a fluorescent strip. A bin! A loo-brush! There wasn't even any of these things for f***sake. I but some real effort in to getting my room looking nice and that made all the difference.

Staff food was a huge issue and many people were continually moaning about quality, freshness and variety. And I had to agree. Generally it was a preponderance of bread and pasta and pizza and sausages. Very little fresh stuff. A recipe for windy bots! Again, the odd windfall (no pun intended) was like rain in a drought. Fruit for example. Fruit! Such a luxury and hard to come by. Honey. I managed to get some on my last day on the island. Bizarrely, other things that might be considered a treat were always there and sometimes the only thing available - Danish pasties and muffins - there's only so many times you can stomach them for breakfast. It was all upside-down.

Next was the work. I wasn't really worried about it. I knew it was going to be hard and felt prepared for it. The rooms and villas are spread around one corner of the island and up a hill. Servicing commences at 9am but obviously we started earlier when there were empty rooms to do. 40 mins plus for a service seemed so unachievable at first and I soon realized I was being a bit too thorough. Eventually that became very do-able and I got well in the swing. For the most part I actually enjoyed making the rooms nice and I did a bloody good job if I do say so myself!

I got some tips but they had to be pooled VERY annoyingly. So I doubt I'll see these now that I've left the island. I did get one ($60) however left for me at reception with a letter - those ones don't get pooled thankfully. One guest also left me a bottle of Champagne but that got taken off me. The lady had just left it on the bed with my name card next to it and the management said I could have put it there myself. Can you imagine how galling that is when you've done a good job and the guest was delighted enough to leave you a thank you and you can't even have it!!??? AAAAAAAAaarrghghghhh!

On the whole the guests were couples. American, Aussies, Japanese, German and English - just like in the hostels I've been! These races are obviously the biggest travelers on all budgets. Celebs abound on Lizard but sadly not when I was there. On my arrival I had just missed by months, visits by Orlando Bloom and Nic Cage (not together). There were many other great stories from the staff too about Rod Stewart, Al Gore, Tiger Woods and Russell Crowe etc. Using the guest facilities while you're servicing a room is a big no-no obviously but i certainly wasn't going to pass up the chance to use the very toilet as sat on by Nic Cage was i?!

Most days we would knock off at 3.30 and be able to go and chill out or sunbathe, have dinner, returning at 7pm for the "turn down" service. This is when we creep around the villas while the guests are at dinner. We turn the beds down, dim the lights, put out an oil burner and chilled bottles of water and some w***y music on the stereo. For some reason this part of the job was particularly nerve-wracking and you always expected to get caught. Also the resort was quite creepy at night and all the scariest insects come out after dark and fly into you! And that brings me nicely to the next challenge - the "tropical life".

Working in such heat and in such a physical way was quite taxing but was fab for my figure. Slimmest i've ever been right now! The humidity is what saps you and most days it was upwards of 80%. Soon though you do actually get used to it. I do sweat a lot and it pours off me but some days you just don't notice anymore. It's funny really. The WORST though were the guests who don't have the aircon on. Who are these freaks? Surely they can't be human but some aliens from a molten planet. It's hotter inside and no benefit of a breeze and the aircon takes an hour to make a difference anyway, so those rooms were particularly difficult.

Wildlife. I continuned to get eaten alive by mossies and sandflies but got into the routine of applying insect repellent 3 times a day which got things under control. There's nothiing like catching a mossie on you and whacking it, only to see it flattened in a pool of YOUR blood! B*****ds! Then i started taking Vit B (thanks Kel!) and the bites went down. Geckos are everywhere and chirp like birds endlessly and do lots of poos. If you keep your doors and windows closely though they stay out of your room.

Lizards! They're wonderful and just potter happily around, living in very closel quarters with their human tenants. They are quite shy and will run away if you get too close. Such was the lack of entertainment among the staff that two lizards having some hot lizard action outside the staff mess the other day gathered quite a crowd and everyone got their cameras out. I've seen too many insects to catalogue but they tend to be giant versions and surprise you when you least expect it. Praying Mantis, huge wasps, termites, the honourable Green ant, Golden Orb spider with it's bright golden web, moths as big as your hand, sparkly green scarab beetles and cockroaches in many hardy varieties.

Birds! I LOVED birdwatching on Lizard and there were many wondeful sightings to be had. The little island you see off the beach in my pics is Ospey Island and had a very active osprey colony. Plovers and other species that have come all the way from Siberia. The gorgeous Yellow-bellied Sunbird with their manic nest building - always seem to need to be near human areas.

And finally crocs. Yes Lizard was visited by "salties" every now and again and they have been known to loom onto the beach at inopportune moments! The conservation society came and darted one while i was there. A 2m female which they bound up and helicoptered off.

Sunbathing took me some time to get my head around. The sun is harsh but i did make friends with it - i'm now the proud owner of "white bits" for the first time in my life. Swimming in the sea was out of the question when i arrived and seemed something only cool brave people do. But i was lucky enough to do two boat trips to the inner and outer reefs for snorkelling - that soon knocked the fear of me. Because i swam with sharks! Yes i did. And turtles and Parrot fish and Potato Cod and giant Maori Wrasse and Eagle Wrays and a multitude of stunning creatues. The coral itself is bizarre and varied and some is hard and some is soft and it's all alive! Amazing.

There's too much for me to write about - my heads going to cave in so i'll leave it there. If i think of other stuff i'll come back and add it in later. Five weeks was enough and besides Jo was coming, so with a little money saved, i left the island on Thursday.

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