thursday 25/08/2011

well a f***en terrible sleep was had by all, so up early it was, ponchos off and time to check into a hostel. the boys observed that Lima was f***en huge (9 million), constantly overcast and suprisingly a little chilly as they checked into "the point" hostel in trendy sea-side suburb Barranco.The hostel was looking fairly promising for a good night so after a quick kip the lads got a little over-excited and tucked into a few mid-afternoon brewskys with great relish. The bar was fairly well-equipped with good music, pool table and a tab system that was to prove fatal at a later date. a quick glance at the clock at 9, and the boys realised they were going to have to work hard to keep it together if they were going to make it into town at 1-the circle of death card game at 6 oclock had already claimed the scalp of the long island bird they had been drinking with. The hostel had a joker come every night and take everyone out to the club of choice for that particular day of the week. Edwin was this blokes name, he was a blatant flamer who drew massive comparisons to wetzel from venice beach the previous year.Bloody good chap though, organising a large group of funnelling spastics into taxis and onto the club. South American clubs have been nothing short of outstanding so far, and this one was no exception. It was set in a empty warehouse, corrugated iron up the walls, live band playing good rock, and f***loads of people. It took an age for the lads to chicken-wing their way to the bar and get down to business with some tequila shots. gus had a little trouble holding down one of his, and spewed on himself and the bar in an uncharacteristic wobbly fashion. It seemed like a fairly tricky joint to get booted out of, so instead of wading through carcasses to get to the toilet, eddy and balf promptly started pissing on the bar. After a solid session at the bar with edwin and parchness levels slightly abated, it was onto the dancefloor for a bit of a boogy where the boys were attracting a bit of attention from local females once again. There was some fairly tasty peruvian girls floating about, and gus set about face-raping a few of them in earnest. after gus had charged through about number 3, it was getting a bit late, the place was clearing out and the boys had no girls. However before the situation was proper f***ed, a couple of nice local girls showed up and balf and gus swooped big time. While eddy and Edwin shot off back to the hostel bar to sink balls, balf and gus did their best to keep on the straight and narrow with these peruvian lasses, who were probably out of their league. It was balfs first girl of the trip so naturally he was beside himself with excitement and couldnt believe it when the girls agreed to come back to the hostel.Alas!the f***en little nazi in reception wouldnt let the girls in with balf and gus, convinced that they were hookers. They were actually law students, but short of ragdolling the four-eyed f***wit chode around the reception, there was f*** all that balf and gus could do-apart from try another two times to break the girls in and get caught. By now the sun was coming up and balf and gus just had to sit outside the hostel with their babes under a hedge and partake in some ridiculous PDA. It was getting pretty weird when both girls were biting the boys faces, and guses final memory is looking over at balf who was passed out in a foetal position with his bird sitting beside him stroking him.

friday 26/08/2011

It was a f***en long night in the end, so naturally the boys slept most of the next day, apart from a trip down the road to get some chicken. THe boys thought they might start the drinking a bit later on this evening and see what happened. As is always the way a few beers later, over-enthusiasm kicks in and it was game over when one of the boys asked the barman at the hostel what the situation was with booger sugar in Lima. Within five minutes The lads were proud owners of a gram of perus finest, straight out of the mountains. So the night did a collossal U-bolt, the boys only pausing from their non-stop chat to take in the old deep breaths. It was outrageous stuff alright, tongues were coming out of heads when edwin showed up to take a crew into town again. This time it was a club in the Suburb of Miraflores. The necessary funnels had by everyone, some unwillingly, were taking full effect in tandem with the gears as the lads tryed to keep it real at the club door. It wasnt a huge club, but it probably needed to be as the three boys tore up the dancefloor in a never-before-seen fashion. Eddy was looking pretty good in his poncho, he was the wickedest c*** hed ever met. balf who never dances was grooving up a f***en storm with a smoking bird, but as always blew out as he battled with the high tensile wire. Gus was making some decent headway with a Peruvian bird that the lads had brought from the hostel and she ended up taking him home to her parents house. It was surely game on for blaze this time, but no!The bird set her parents house alarm off and gus had to run through the house out the back door and hide in the backyard. After he had listened to her parents screaming at her in spanish and then go to bed, he snuck back in the house, took some photos for some reason then went to see what the fridge had to offer. He got caught in the lounge by the mother who emptied her lungs at him in spanish, so gus took off and taxied back to the hostel.

meanwhile Eddy and balf were charging home with edwin and a crew from the hostel with burgers that were not going down whatsoever.coming round a corner, there was a peruvian version of king-kong in the middle of the road slapping his chest screaming in broken english that he would fight any gringos.Eddy with f***ed neck, poncho and half-eaten burger must have given the man-beast some sort of affirmative, and before anyone knew what had happened, eddy had been punched in the head. Laughing in the c*** face, eddy bleated at balf to tackle him, balf obliged with the softest leg-hug known to man and duly received a smack in the head for his trouble. Back at the hostel there was a norwegian bloke passed out on the couch, so naturally he was going to get teabagged. In the end he had photos taken of c*** on his face (in pen as well), guses arse and a couple of ginger balls. wired to the hilt, the boys didnt hit the sack until well after daylight.

saturday 27/08/2011

The boys didnt even open their eyes until 7pm!there was a definite lack of brain cells, and balf had been kind enough to put out a mattress fire again. classic quote from the cleaner to gus- "who make a pee-pee in the bed?". the lads were down to one meal a day, and it was important that it was chicken or they wouldnt be able to get on the piss again. The first few beers were a bit chewy, but thats what the funnel is for and before long the boys were well and truly on their way again. another order courtesy of the barman arrived and after a couple of bumps of the strong stuff it was becoming clear that the cheese was about to come off the cracker. Edwin was back again to take the lads out to the same club as the night before, this time they were even more out of control. Gus and Balf had arranged to meet their peruvian girls from two nights previous, but as soon as they got there, ruthless gus binned his one and started chewing off every girls ear in the club. Balf wasnt going to let his one get away, though it was going to be difficult to focus after the numerous blatant trips to the toilet. Eddy swooped in on guses dregs though and it was double dates on again as daylight encroached on the way to the next bar. there was some sick PDA from balf in this particular underground club, but he was enjoying his bird stroking his chops, while eddy kept dancing with his bird. bumbling dips*** blaze had officially lost the plot in a style reminiscent of micheal fischer, he was running round ordering rounds of piss at 9 in the morning and generally being an incoherent mess. He was chasing the bird behind the bar, but somehow got his wires crossed and started pursuing a blatant ladyboy. Eddy and Balfs birds had to shoot home again unfortunately, and luckily for gus, eddy and balf managed to bundle gus into a taxi and get him home safely. It was ten in the morning (people getting up for a late breakfast) when they got back to the hostel and the wheels were well and truly starting to come off, especially for gus who was wild as f*** and smashed an ashtray in the hostel.

sunday 28/08/2011

The boys were meant to be leaving today but didnt get up until the evening so blew out and checked in for another night. The boys were pretty fuct by this stage of the trip, it had been a ridiculously savage three days of abuse. Luckily there was f*** all going on tonight to tempt the boys into more mischief. It was rude not to have a couple of beers though, and balf got himself involved in the worlds longest and s***test game of poker. After four and half hours balf walked away with the ridiculous prize money of 5 dollars. The hostel bar was pretty quiet tonight, random australian girl to balf-"is it necessary to do funnels at 1 in the morning on a sunday night by yourself?".yes i beleive it is love. gus and balf werent getting too carried away with the beers though, it had become apparent to the boys that after four days in Lima they actually hadnt seen any daylight, let alone the city centre. so the plan was to have a bit of a nosy round the city the next day with balfs bird as a guide, then take off up north to a place called Mancora.

monday 29/08/2011

The boys were up and at 'em at the sprightly hour of midday and ready to do some sightseeing. Tryed to book a bus for that evening but apparently the buses didnt run on a monday, so it was check in for another night. The boys werent too happy, they were pretty keen to get out of the Lima snow storms and chillax, but there was f*** all that could be done about it.

Balf hadnt actually got back to his Lima sheila who was keen to show the boys around the city, and later on found out she was a little upset about it. so missing out on a good opportunity to throw a spade around, the boys headed into town with the long island sheila from their room and had a peek around the city centre. The spanish colonial architecture was pretty cool, some impressive buildings and s***, but the afternoon got real f***ing interesting at the introduction of peruvian blokesmoker Pedro. This joker Pedro was a seedy little dark-skinned fellow who bowled up to balf and explained he wanted practise his english on him. After about five minutes it was obvious old Pedro wanted to practise a couple of other things- of the bent variety. Before they knew it, the lads were getting taken on a free tour of his city including the "museum of heroes". Pedro insisted on getting lots of photos with the boys,including one with gus where pedro put his arms around guses belly. the gayness was escalating pretty f***en fast but the boys thought theyd better go have a beer with him and exchange some email addresses in the off-chance that pedro might send some naked pics of himself. In the bar, pedro told gus he had really nice hips and the "perfect nose". eddy kept getting hugged and got asked how much he weighed and was told he had a "strong body". It was pretty f***en hilarious but the boys had had enough of the over-the top homosexuality, so before they were forced to execute a gay-bashing, it was back to the hostel for the last night in Lima.

It was a public holiday the next day in Peru so there was the potential for a big night, especially when Edwin made an appearance at the hostel again to take a crew out. after a few too many beers at the hostel, the lads couldnt halt the inevitable, and made the necessary purchase of some devil dust. Thinking they were getting used to the stuff now, the boys hooked in and probably went a little overboard. they were all over the show by the time they made it edwins club choice of the night. It was quite cool, it looked like a big mansion with pillars out the front. The lads were written off so to sober up gus bought a bottle of vodka from behind the bar which the lads dispatched before they stopped making the stuff. Attempting to lick his own ears, balf thought hed try and attract some females by eating his glass and washing it down with some of smirnoffs finest. This resulted in a number of people being utterly shocked/petrified, especially as he had nicked his face slightly and blood was pissing out.Gus had slunk off at some stage with the long island bird to get nowhere, so eddy and balf waddled off with Edwin to f*** some burgers off. neither could actually eat for some reason, balf opting instead for the conspicious, silent powerchuck out on the street. Back at the hostel it was daylight time again, but there was no way balf and eddy were getting any shut-eye. so the hammer came down again. two packs of marlboro red cowboy-killers and a f***load of ice cold beers were purchased at reception and duly dealt to over a dozen games of pool. The boys were finally ready for bed at 10 in the morning. Pretty sure no-one in the hostel had been getting any sleep, after been exposed to some of motorhead and metallicas finest easy-listening tracks for the last four hours.

tuesday 30/08/2011

The boys were f***en lucky to make their bus at 3 in the afternoon, waking up at 2. The firetruck fairies had visited both edward and henry at some stage during the morning, which meant that there was now 3/8 mattresses f***ed in the room. between the pair of them they had managed to only kiss 2 girls on the trip, yet managed to put out five bed fires.it was a sad state of affairs, but the lads vowed to amend the situation in the upcoming days in sea-side party town mancora. first though it was a real cool 16 hour bus journey up to northern peru, where the boys had a bit of reflection time on their animal last week.