wednesday 31/08/2011

Obviously the bus ride was yet again f***en s***, the lads not getting much sleep on the way north. mancora looked like a pretty sweet place, rugged dirt hills running down to a white beach. It was a surfy sort of place with plenty of backpackers about, and the tuk-tuk drivers doubled as drug dealers. It was only 9 in the morning, but the lads had been offered coke and weed about five times before they checked into Mancoras point hostel, including from the security joker at the front gate. The hostel was pretty sick like most of the hostels in south america, pool table, bar, pool and also beach frontage. The boys had a quick waltz up the beach to check out the town. The centre looked fairly promising for a night out, it was smothered in little bamboo nightclubs,stacks of shady looking f***ers and packs of wild dogs. A bit like thailand but without the neon lights and hookers. The boys had a bit of a snooze then leant into a few beverages at the hostel bar. The bar seemed to run by a countless number of dozy hippies, predominantly australian, so naturally the 2 month wait for a beer didnt sit well with the boys who were used to efficiency drinking. It was at the bar where the lads met pothole australian Jeremy-except the lads had a bit of trouble swerving this c*** This ocker could talk the leg off a cast-iron pot. The boys literally could not get a word in, and ended up being stuck with him as they made their way into town on the back of a tuk-tuk. Things only got worse as this little ozzy yapper purchased some goods off a local bar owner called charlie, and his s*** chat spiralled out of control. There was f*** all going on in town tonight as it was a wednesday, so the four boys sat up on a rooftop bar, smashed back a few beers and the chewed the fat until 3 in the morning. The boys headed back to the hostel and made jeremy sit on the back in the luggage rack cos theyd had a f***en gutsful of his yammer,eddy punching and slapping him through the plastic. Not being able to sleep for some reason, Balf and eddy stayed up till six and had a couple of sloppy beers at the hostel bar with a few dirty, barber-dodging hippies.

thursday 1/09/2011

The weather the next day wasnt too s***-hot so the boys couldnt go for a swim/surf like they had planned. The last week or so had taken its toll so the boys just slept in their room and hid from the blustery weather. The fellas got up around six, f***ed off a plate of chicken wings each, bought some crate bottles and settled in for the hostel bars quiz night. It was teams of four-luckily jeremy was still asleep-so the boys teamed up with Austrian cheat, Mathias. He had his lap top with him and was googling like a man possessed, the lads shooting to the top spot in the quiz. After being caught by some whinging f***en australians and therefore Mathias laptop booted out of the game, the boys forfeited their lead and missed out on some t-shirts. By the time the quiz finished it was well overdue for some funnels.Mathias was disgusted at balfs initial one and walked off shaking his head. unfortunately jeremey was awake again, but he made up for it by sharing some of his gear and tequila in the boys hostel room. functioning on some extreme #8 wire again, the boys headed on into town with higher expectations than the previous night. There was alot more people out tonight, not to mention a fair bit of shanny (gringo and non-gringo) floating about to keep the boys interested. The three boys with jeremy the limpet started hooking into piss at the first nightclubs bar at an alarming rate. After this particular nightclub had closed, the boys headed to charlies bar for some more festivities. It was snowing fairly hard again in charlies bar, and at the risk of becoming avalanche victims, the boys headed upstairs to the roof top with a couple of chicas. These girls seemed pretty interested, even though guses one didnt speak a word of english. Balfs one kept dragging him to the toilet and trying to powder his nose, and eddys one (probably the best looking) was having trouble keeping eddy interested in her. She said to eddy "are you going to talk to me or are you going to keep patting the dog?". Daylight was starting to approach in charlies bar-time flies when your beaks blocked-so it time to make some moves on the ladies. Gus and balf headed on home with theirs, while eddy blew out again, making the incorrect assumption that his girl was a hooker. meanwhile balf and gus were out the back of mancora in the slums, in the back of a tuk-tuk flying along dirt roads, with senioritas on their laps. Back at balfs ones apartment, there was yet again more than enough beak food to take the lads through till ten in the morning. Guses bird left at some stage, so balf left gus talking to himself in the kitchen and went next door to blade his sheila and get his first vjay-jay for the trip. s*** was getting pretty weird when balf could hear gus next door having a conversation with someone, so he got up to investigate. Gus had a full-on four-player game of monopoly laid out on the kitchen table and was taking money off an imaginary player. He even had the colours written out on his arm so he wouldnt forget the order of players. Balf couldnt f***en beleive it, especially as gus hadnt even acknowledged him standing in the door way, so balf got them both out of there and back to the hostel at 10am before the wheels popped right off.

friday 2/09/2011

The boys had a bus to catch in the afternoon at 3 to make it all the way to Quito, Ecuador, arriving at 9 in the morning the next day. All the bus rides had been s*** in south america, but this bus company took the f***en cake. The roads wouldnt have been out of place in war-torn baghdad, the toilet was non-functional, the seats were s***, the driver a complete rookie, and the bus host/guide was a greasy, chubby, smug c*** There was also some pretty shady looking f***ers on the bus as well. Eddie found this out the hard way when he put his day pack in the overhead compartment and fell asleep. 10 minutes before the Peru/Ecuador border, some scummy hispanic useless eater swiped eddys bag (wallet/cards, camera, toilet bag and passport) and hopped off the bus. It was going to be a mission getting through the border with no passport and no spanish, especially since the bus host was an unhelpful f***stain. At the border, south americas favourite game of chase-the-tail (sometimes called dog-f***ing) was in full swing as the cops took eddy away to suss out a police report and a temporary travel pass. Balf and Gus had no idea where the f*** they had taken eddy as they couldnt get any sense out of anyone, and s*** was getting serious as the bus was about to take off. the cops finally bought eddy back after breaking multiple canines pelvises, and the fellas could get on with their journey. the boys were bewildered as to how spainiards could have conquered half the globe with their passion for worthlessness and inefficiency.

saturday 3/09/2011

As was fast becoming the trend, the boys were f***en tired after getting off the bus in Quito.And once again the boys got ripped off by a f***en bent taxi driver as they headed into the old city and checked into "vibes" hostel. Quito looked f***en awesome, the city was surrounded by a whole pile of volcanoes and it was the worlds second highest capital city-2800 metres above sea level. But before the boys could have a look around, they had to sort out eddies passport and money situation, else they wouldnt be going very far. As there was no NZ embassy in Quito, the new passport had to be issued through the British embassy. But of course it was the weekend and the embassy was shut until monday, as the hispanic employees were probably having a ball somewhere doing circle-work. After sussing this one out and putting the passport dilemma on the back burner, the lads headed 23kms out of the city to check out the equatorial line for which the country is named. It was pretty cool to see the equator, apart from all the tacky touristy s*** that was attached to it. There was a few Llamas traipsing about which the boys tryed to get a spit out of, and balf got a s*** photo where he pretended to snort a line off the equator. Only one disapointment for the outing-forgetting to bring the funnel to get a photo driving a beer from the northern hemisphere to the southern hemisphere. The lads were pretty keen to do some proper outdoor tourist s*** instead of just getting wasted and sleeping so they decided to skip the saturday night, maul a nutritional meal of kernel,get a good rest and go for a day trek to a volcano the next day.

sunday 4/09/2011

In the end the boys should have got on the piss cos they didnt get any sleep anyway. The street was ridiculously noisy, and so was the resident hostel dog which was a bees d*** away from getting a curb sandwhich from balf. The f***wit at reception was also supposed to wake the boys up at 6 so they could make their tour which left at 7, but he was possibly too busy slamming the f*** out of that grillish dog under the counter. Anyway the boys somehow woke up at 645 and just made their tour on time before gus cut off the receptionists circulation with his hands. The bus was full of pushy israeli jokers, and the tour was run by a slippery pony-tailed incan by the name of escolar. first stop on the tour was at the base of the volcano at some traditional incan markets. The boys were pretty f***en peckish by this stage and were fortunate enough to stumble across some tasty wee treats. A personal favourite of balf and eddies, were the deep fried corn/potato/onion/cheese fritters, which were absolutely bloody delicious. In the interests of attaining some bum-wees or perhaps some hepatitis, the boys also purchased some very dodgy looking hogroast that looked as though it had been sitting at the market since the birth of christ. After the markets it was a two hour drive up the volcano on a dusty goat track, stopping once at a traditional incan family home. It was a pretty crack-up family-the women and girls all wore bowler hats, and they had guinea pigs in their house to keep evil spirits away. At the top of the volcano the plan was to walk down into the crater and check out the lake. The wind and dust were outrageous as the lads paid little attention to the tour, wandered off the track, and smashed a faster way to the bottom. The lake was a pretty sensual blue colour and there was a few Llamas down there providing some sensational photo opportunities. The waddle back to the top was going to be harder than a fencers fingernail, as the climb was from 3800 metres above sea level to 4100 metres, and the air was pretty f***en thin. Throw in the elements of soft sand, heat, and hurricane force wind, and youve got yourself a real s*** time. However, the lads were fighting fit having had the perfect months build up of vast quantities of amber nectar and lung rockets, and they smashed the walk out in forty minutes. Ecuadorians are massive fans of chicken (good c*** ) so after smashing out a feed of some dirty bird back at the summit, it was back in the bus with the hairy israelis and a three hour journey back to quito.

It was pretty late on arrival back in Quito and apparently f*** all happens on a sunday night so it was early to bed to rest those aching bones. This was of course after visiting one of the six kernels that were in a ten block radius from the hostel.

Monday 5/09/2011

Balf and eddy were up reasonably early to suss out the passport situation and left gus to organise a bit of s*** for the upcoming weeks, making full use of the slim window of sobriety. A good feed of kernel for lunch ensured the boys were ready to acheive something for the afternoon, the decision being made to hit up the citys cable car.The cable car slunk up one of the cities massive volcanoes from 2800 metres above sea level to 4100 metres, and offered some scintilating views. Balf found an iphone at the top and considered keeping it for the purposes of claiming back some of the boys bad luck, but a distraught girl back down at the base got the better of balfs conscience and he handed it over. After a couple of necessary days off the piss, the boys had their s*** organised and were ready to lean into a few cold jars at the hostel bar. After a few games of pool, there was a bit of a crew ready to roll on into town and see what monday night in Quito had to offer. Eddy had ducked off to bed early, so it was up to gus and balf to investigate. Gus and Balf were nowhere near pissed enough, so at the first bar the situation was amended by a series of straight whiskeys.The boys ended up having an fairly uneventful night, the only lowlight was some borderline homosexual dancing from the pair in a futile attempt to nab the only three girls in the bar.Back at the hostel, Balf had a few beers with some ozzy girls who donated him and the hostel manager some gramos before joeing out.

Tuesday 6/09/2011

The plan was to f*** off out of Quito for a couple of days while eddys passport was getting sorted, and the destination agreed upon was Banos, situated roughly four hours south. Balf was holding up the team cos he was f***ed in bed, but the boys managed to drag their arses finally to the bus station. The fellas arrived in Banos around 9pm, and walked around the small town searching for a feed. They hit the sack early and sober, so they could get up the next morning and do a bit of adventure stuff that Banos was reknowned for.