Wednesday 05/10/2011

Rio de Janeiro, Brazil. Home of the shaven mick and novelty-sized rear-ends. But before the boys could sink their teeth into some of what Rio had to offer, they had to find a hostel called Piratas de Ipanema (pirates of Ipanema), which was proving to be a f***ing head-ache at 6 in the morning. When they eventually found it, they discovered it was right up their alley, scummy as f***, cheap as f***, and situated with Ipanema Beach and Copacabana Beach 200 metres either side. After checking in and locating the nearest kernel, the boys decided to check out the clunge at Ipanema beach from a few hired deck chairs. The eye-candy certainly didnt disappoint the lads, and a few dips were needed to cool off. What was a little disconcerting though was the abundance of muscle bound rump rangers in speedos. After witnessing a mean sunset over Ipanema, the lads headed on back to the hostel to funnel some beers. After amusing a number of European oxygen theiving hippies from the hostel with an outrageous amount of funnels, the boys topped themselves up with a couple of bottles of red wine. The lads then taxied on down Ipanema beach to a recommended rock bar by the name of "Emporium". The standard scene ensued, piss-chopping, head-banging, spadework, and the endless search for gear. Sandall handed over alot of eddy and balfs cash to a very sound and reliable looking black citizen with s***locks and missing teeth, in the hope that he would deliver on the goods. As collateral in case he didnt come back with the cash or the gear, he had kindly left his backpack with sandall. As he hadnt returned in half an hour, balf decided to check the c*** bag out for s*** to swipe, but all he discovered was a bag of bones of an unknown species! It was pretty f***en weird, and the boys were f***en spewing when he eventually turned up and gave Sandall a bag of icing sugar. Balf got caught in the bog by the greasy fat bouncer testing it out, and was forced to pay 35 brasilian s*** moneys to bribe him off - for icing sugar! So the boys were understandably fairly f***en filthy by the time the bar closed at 5am and headed down the beach, with a girl that balf had met with a cute little face. All this s*** action was missed by Gus who had once again found a piece of skirt that was up for rooting within five minutes of meeting her. He had ducked off to a swanky hotel with her (for which she paid), and played a furious game of hide the sausage. Back at the beach the sun was on its way up over the sugar loaf, and Sandall had deemed it necessary to have a naked swim much to the delight of the female in their company, who said Sandall would definitely get arrested if cops were about. A few more beers were smashed at the beach until roughly eight o'clock when Balfs potential Brazilian squeeze decided to take Eddy balf and Sandall to breakfast. The lads were obviously rather inebriated as they smashed back their omelettes, so the experience cant have been overly enjoyable for the poor girl. After breakfast balf dropped her off at work, while Sandall and eddy taxied over to Botafogo beach to suss out eddies required visa to get into Argentina. This was because he only had a temporary travel document due to his stolen passport. The requirements to get the visa were ridiculous, and so was the wait of 7 days, so at the sound advice of his attorney Benjamin James Reid Sandall, Eddie binned the idea and decided to wing the entrance into Argentina. A decision to regret at a later stage..

Thursday 06/10/2011

Gus showed up back at the pirates hostel around midday to find the other three pieces of s*** passed out in their 24 bed hovel. It had been a very, very long time since the boys had experienced a hostel bed fire (possibly nearly two weeks), but eddy had melted the ice which was pleasing to see. Luckily the pioneers at pirates had the forethought of providing plastic sheets for their beds to save embarrassment. After slugging some delicious pastry treats from a shop down the road, it was down to the beach for a freshen up/wash, this time the lads testing out Copacabana beach. The area they were situated in was pretty groovy, people just walking round the streets in jandals and boardshorts and bikinis, and naturally the odd geriatric hairy fool striding about in budgie smugglers. Strangely, the bird balf had got acquainted with the night before (Lais), had got in touch and wanted to get on the piss with the boys, and even checked into their dive of a hostel with them. The funnel took a hiding at the hostel yet again, then Lais took the boys down to Copacabana beach to a party organised by the couch surfing organisation. To be fair the party was pretty lame, but Sandall, eddy and Gus seemed to enjoy themselves hassling the f*** out of balf for holding hands and getting nowhere. After the party had disbanded, the lads headed on back to the Emporium and kept on going with the drinking. Basically a similar night was had by all again, Gus found another bird, this one with a "make yourself look s*** haircut". She bought a hamburger and proceeded to hand-feed Gus and Sandall with it, at the insistence of her friend saying; "feed the gringos, feed the gringos". Gus didn't get to pound unfortunately, his bird had work that day so the crew retired back to pirates as the sun came up. It wasn't the ideal situation for balf to get balls-deep with his female, but he managed to do some cool stuff before she got up for work again.

Friday 07/10/2011

The lads had booked in a tour of the city for the afternoon the day before to make sure the day wasn't wasted, so after a dip and a perve down at Ipanema, they slouched at the hostel and waited for the tour guide to show up. The worthless guide showed up an hour late and the first stop was to the sugar loaf mountain, which is a feature of Rio that seems to be in most movies etc. The tour then went through the city of Rio, up the mountain to check out the Christo Redentor, or Christ the redeemer statue for those of you who are culturally unaware. The 360 degree view of Rio from up there was EPIC and Sandalls camera shutter nearly melted as he took snaps galore. The statue itself was impressive, 38 metres high, but the eerie lack of the statues eyeballs created a bit of a stir amongst the boys. From the statue it was down through the historical part of the city to have a look at the Lapa steps, which are these massive steps decorated by some c*** with too much spare time. They feature in a few movies apparently and U2, "Snoop Dogg" and "Pharell" have made video clips on the steps, because they are cool. By this stage of the evening light was fading fast, and the boys were thirsty and ready to head back to the Pirates hostel for a few "quiet ones". The jokers at the hostel had kindly organised a trip back to the Lapa area of the city for a street party that happens every Friday with the possibility of things getting very messy. Balfs girl Lais had turned up back at the hostel again, this time with a couple of friends that could potentially be put away by the other boys, should they choose to keep the evenings drinking under control. That notion was hastily swept aside as the lads hit the street party, and found a drinking event in South America that suited them to a tee. An extremely wise decision was made to take the funnel along to the street party, which meant that the boys could create a monumental scene in the middle of the street, introducing the fair citizens of Rio de Janeiro to some binge drinking New Zealand style. Sandall in particular was in stirling form, dispatching massive funnels left, right and centre, much to the astonishment of every passerby. After something like 40 big beers had been f***ed off in under an hour, the four lads were starting to get sideways, helped along with a doobsky from a shirtless black fellow from the slums. After listening to his dismal freestyle rapping for far too long, the lads with girls in tow, binned old mate and jumped in a van to head to a bar back at Ipanema beach. It was in the van where the evening started to go a little pear-shaped for Benjamin Sandall. Not being able to comfortably hold his wees within his urinary tract, or perhaps for the benefit of the predominately female audience within the van, Sandall emptied his bladder into the funnel. Not wanting to waste such precious liquid, Sandall then persuaded balf to drive the funnel for him. Needless to say, this display of gentlemanly behaviour went down like a poo sandwich with the females, who were keen to exit the van and distance themselves from the urine drinking kiwi beast - especially after Sandall had repeated his party trick a second time. Ripping into countless drinks at the bar on Ipanema beach, it was guses turn to get booted out of the toilets and pay some bribery money to the big fat bouncer. At the closure of the bar at 5 oclock in the morning, it was back down to the beach to chaff some beers at the refreshment stalls and watch Sandall have a naked swim again. Quite a few people actually took great offence to Sandalls exposure, including a shiny purple woman who rang the police, and a lightweight oily local who tried to fight him. After Sandall unsuccessfully explained how people in New Zealand have showers this way in public, he jogged on home to the hostel before some unnecessary skull-cracking occurred. Meanwhile, Balfs slimy little mess of ginger pubes on his top lip (some may have called it a moustache), was doing the trick with Lais down on the beach, who seemed fairly interested in locating the whereabouts of Balfs steamroller keys. Strangely enough, her friends had done the bolt after Sandalls sickening effort with the funnel, so it was up to Balf to locate a hotel by himself and fire up that Komatsu steamroller for Lais' benefit, which rapidly ran out of gas.

Saturday 08/10/2011

The next day was spent relaxing between the lads favourite pastry shop, Ipanema Beach and the hostel beds. The plan for the evening was to head back into the city centre and watch a football game at some stadium, name long forgotten. Obviously Brazil is a fairly exciting place to take in the atmosphere of a professional football game, even though the boys werent exactly aroused by football itself. However, it was fun pretending to support Botafoga, and after spending 90 minutes watching 22 homosexual, hair-gelled Latino f***wits chase a pig-skin up and down for the inevitable two-all draw, the boys throats were drier than an arabs gym shoe (thank you sword). At the risk of boring the readers, the funnel took an absolute pasting back at the Pirates hostel yet again, as the drinking start time had been a little delayed, and no-one appreciates being sober for too long. Balfs girl must have enjoyed the express outing on the steamroller the preceding evening, as she was back at the hostel again, eager to chop a few wets with the boys. This time she had bought with her a different friend, a breath taking Brazilian stunner, that wouldnt have looked out of place on the cover of a FHM magazine. Because she was so attractive Sandall, Eddy and Gus were a little intimidated and frightened to spade onto her once the crew had moved on down Ipanema Beach to a bar. However she was a ridiculously friendly sort of lass, and Balf was shocked when Lais told him that her smoking friend (Georgia), was enthusiastic about experiencing Edwards love-rug (rampant chest hair). Balf spent ten minutes convincing Eddy to stay and talk to her instead of going to watch the All Blacks play the quarter-final back at the hostel, which was a wise move in the end as she was filthy rich and shouted eddy copious amounts of booze and food. Wired up as the sun rose, Balf and Eddy double-dated down the beach with their two birds, while the other two left to watch the game. By the time Gus and Sandall had returned, the two girls were asleep on Eddy and Balf, while they were still dealing to a few beers. It was about 10am by this stage, and in front of the whole beach, Sandall was on hands and knees looking up Lais' skirt while she was asleep, to try and grab a creepy view of her snatch. Then Sandall and Gus had a furious 3 round cocaine-fuelled beach boxing match (no head shots), in full view of roughly a couple of hundred people. At about midday, the girls had woken up and Eddies MILF had to take off to go and spend time with her four-year old son. Needless to say, it was a pity eddy couldnt have some slam-time with her, as the chances of seeing her again were fairly rare...Balf ducked off to the hotel again with his sheila for round two, and left Eddy and Sandall steamed up on the beach to continue their drinking.

Sunday 9/10/2011

Balf arrived back fairly late in the evening, only to find the other three in various states of disarray throughout the hostel. Apparently eddy and Sandall had endured a fairly mammoth afternoon down on the beach demolishing beers, culminating in Eddy passing out and firetrucking Sandalls rug. The hostel had organised a "Favela Funk Party" for this particular evening, which is where you head into the Favelas (slums) and party up large in an "anything goes" style. This sounded pretty f***en good to Gus and Balf who were the only two healthy enough to tackle some piss and get spastic on it. After some major dramas sourcing some cash, Gus and Balf finally made it into the dodgy favela with no tour guide, and located the club. Some serious piss was going to have to be chopped in order to contest with the extreme decibels being pumped in the nightclub, so the two lads didnt f*** about, nailing a vast selection of tasty and very strong drinks at the bar. The club itself was a no-frills, huge, open room with a concrete floor, stacked wall-to-wall with shady people of highly questionable ethnic backgrounds. There seemed to be no limits to what went on in the bar, the air was green with gunja smoke, so the duo located some gear in about two minutes and turned the night upside down. Before long, it was 3 oclock, the club had shut and the boys were on their way home in a van, although their memories are a little shaky at this stage. Yet again, the boys were in no way ready for sleep, so they helped themselves to an assortment of alcoholic drinks from the hostel fridges, and set about drinking themselves into a heavy slumber. There was a bulky australian girl that had stayed up drinking with the boys, and she seemed interested on predating on one of them. Fortunately for Balf, it was Gus who snuck upstairs with her to the room and romantically spooned with her, perhaps even daring to put his clumsy little paw down her pants and giving her rat a wee pat.

Monday 10/10/2011

In the Morning, everyone in the hostel room was dark at Balf, because he had apparently woken everyone up trying to get Sandall to smoke some prescription medicine with him at five in the morning. Care factor hovering around the nil factor, the boys did something different for the day and slugged at the hostel, the beach and the pastry shop. Sandall and eddy had the foresight of organising a boat party for the evening - four maggots, 40 members of the general public, water, a boat, a f***load of piss, and the inability to be kicked off-it was obvious that the whole evening was going to end in tears. The evening very nearly didnt get off the ground at all when the dim-witted taxi-driver took the lads to the wrong place, and nearly caused them to miss the take-off. Sandall in particular was fuming, and it took a bit to get him out of the taxi and onto the boat without him head-butting the portuguese retard into oblivion. Unluckily for the people running the venture, the boys did make it onto the boat on time, naturally heading directly to the snack bar, bulldozing all the club sandwiches, chips and nuts before anyone else could slide on in there. The boat took off around Rios harbour, and as Sandall was the man with the funds, and he set about doing his very best to drain them by buying round after round of some unknown vodka drink. Obviously the boys couldnt get kicked off the boat, so instead of getting into the swing of things on the boats dancefloor and spading some of the very sensual ladies present, the boys went into anti-social spastic mode and made nuisances of themselves. Its probably easiest to bullet point the boys s*** naval behaviour at this stage:

-most of the snack food that was meant for everybody got eaten by the big swingers, the rest of it got thrown around the boat

-Gus picked up a massive bowl full of nuts and tipped it upside down all over the bar, right in front of a very unimpressed crew member

-Gus got dangled over the boats side about 3 or 4 times by his ankles

-Eddie ruined a silver food platter by smashing it over his own head and buckling the f*** out of it

-Balf and Sandall woke a sleeping crew member by spraying him in vodka drinks, as the result of an intense, vocal and highly inappropriate wrestling match at the rear of the vessel

-All the boys participated in slapping random people with their jandals going to the toilet through a crack in the side of the bathroom wall

-Intelligently abusing random girls with witty, intellectual banter

-Blatant disregard for authority was shown as the boys all laughed off the repeated telling offs and warnings by various crew members for their ill behaviour

After the boys had unsuccessfully attempted to stealthily swipe bottles of spirits from behind the bar for about the thousandth time, the joker in charge of operations had a final and serious word with Balf, basically outlining to him that if the boys didnt settle the f*** down, some c*** were going to sort them out back on dry land. Care factor was at negative 15, so this message fell on deaf ears as the ship moored up and the boys charged off the boat. Eddie had randomly managed to find a miniature moisty to share saliva with about five minutes before the boat docked, but she somehow got lost in the drunken mish-mash that was the hasty exit from the boat. The boys then scoped out a taxi and looked for an establishment that was open to carry on the mayhem. It was late by this stage and f*** all open so the boys headed back to the hostel and five-finger discounted some alcohol from the fridges and drank by themselves, finishing the night with some extremely mature drunkbooking.

Tuesday 11/10/2011

Sadly, today was the day that the boys had to leave Rio. After travelling 40-odd countries and having visited countless cities the last 4/5 years, the lads reckoned that Rio would have to be up there with one of the best places they had been to. Plenty of culture, marvellous scenery, raucous parties, beaches and friendly babes equated to a fantastic week. Next destination was a joint called Florianopolis which was down the coast from a Rio, an overnight bus drive away. Florianopolis was meant to have this mean island called Santa Catarina across the harbour with hundreds of beaches on it that was supposedly a little more low-key than Rio.

Wednesday 12/10/2011

The boys rocked on into Florianopolis early morning, jumped in a taxi and headed out to the island to try and locate a hostel. The found a groovy little place without too much drama and were instantly impressed with the stunning sea views, and the general vibe of the joint. The lads were also mightily impressed with the very amiable Brazilian lusty working at reception with amazing pins and a lack of lingerie holding her cans in - even though she had "cock-tease" written all over her. No hangovers this morning so the boys planned to put the full day to use and have a comprehensive look around the island. The obvious way to do this was to hire some scooters, so after some serious dog-f***ing and the necessary road-side purchase of some scrumptious meat treats, the lads sussed out a scooter rental owned by an understandably apprehensive Brazilian bloke. He was possibly a little wary of the boys due to the fact that Sandall was wearing a fluoro pair of skin-tight togs approximately 4 inches long. This combined with a bright yellow 10 year old boys singlet and his adamant selection of a pink helmet, meant that Sandall looked nothing short of a homosexual escapee from a mental hospital . The rental joker only had 2 scooters and 1 dirt bike for the four of them, but the boys ran with it as they charged round the island giving the bikes death. Stirring up the local drivers and getting the bikes up to 90kms in built up areas quickly became tiresome, so the lads decided to see what the bikes were made of and took them off-road up some massive hills. At the top of the hill, the tasty wee meat treats acquired earlier on were causing Sandalls usual titanium gut all sorts of turmoil. A quick bowel movement without the removal of pink helmet made for some great nature poo snaps taken by the other three, as they sympathetically observed Sandall tidying up his freckle with some nearby foliage. The beauty of the scooter rental was that the boys had them for 24 hours, which meant that they didnt have to return them until 2pm the next day. Needless to say, the boys were a little excited about the opportunity to be able to operate a vehicle hammered drunk for the evening. After all it had been a while. So after a few quiet local brews and cocktails at the hostel bar, the lads saddled up and headed on into town to see what trouble they could find. The drive into town was fairly sensible, the lads only had a few under the belt and werent keen on tasting the tarmac at this stage of the evening. The ride home however had the potential to be somewhat different....There was a public holiday on in Brazil, so there was quite a few people out and about putting down the hammer. The lads opted for a Rock bar that was quite ritzy to be fair, and somehow weaselled their way into the VIP area to watch the various live music acts. What the f*** Brazils version of scribe was doing dribbling his s*** into a microphone at a rock bar was a mystery to the lads, but this didnt matter as Sandall purchased the first 1 litre bottle of Absolute vodka. There was to be two more of these 1 litre bottles bought- to the best of the boys knowledge-as they got possibly the most collectively drunk of the trip so far. Eddies mojo had begun to get out of control towards the business end of the trip, and this was evident as he hooked into a fairly tasty looking girl again. Sandall meanwhile was entertaining the entire nightclub with some woeful break dancing. Balf and Gus have no idea what they were up to at this point, the most logical explanation probably being the pair of them battling with a rare form of temporary Alzheimer's. The last thing Balf remembers is smoking a joint with some non-english speakers. Recollection of the exit of the club is foggy at best, but Eddy dubbed Sandall home naked on a scooter at a reckless 90kms an hour, while Balf and Gus apparently did their best to get beaten up by some English dudes. Hitting judder bars at 90 clicks wasnt enough to make Sandall fall off, but the stormwater drain as he hopped off the scooter proved to be more of a challenge as he fell into it nude. In front of the hostel where the boys were staying was a long flat stretch of beach, which was perfect for acting out the worlds fastest Indian. Somehow Gus, Balf and Sandall all met up and ended up racing up and down the beach, in the sort of state that would probably make a traffic officers breathalizer spontaneously combust. The scooters were getting completely and utterly f***ED UP by the innumerable amount of times the boys crashed them into the sand, the boys constantly getting trapped underneath their machines. While Gus and Sandall were attempting to fix a bike for some unknown reason, they turned around to witness Balf going like a cut snake through the surf on the dirt bike in about 2 feet of water, in a frenzied screaming fit. How the boys managed to navigate the sand and salt covered scooters back to the hostel (especially as all the scooters had now been for a surf) when they couldnt even walk themselves, remains an utter mystery. They were back at the hostel upon daylight and just in time for breakfast! Which was a pity for all the other people staying at the hostel, because Balf, Eddy and Sandall ate all the food and covered the microwave with melted cheese. Before hitting the scratcher at about 8am they received a stern telling off from the cock-tease receptionist, which to be fair went in one ear and sailed straight out the other.

Thursday 13/10/2011

Checkout was at a ridiculous time like 10am or some s***, and the receptionist came in about 4 times to wake the boys up to boot them out. Once again, the lack of conviction that a female voice holds did little to get the wasters out of bed, so she dealt with the situation by getting someone with a little more authority to help her - a male staff member. So after adding a few more people to the New Zealand Hate club, the boys headed on out of the hostel with some ripsnorter hangovers and went to assess the damage done to the scooters. In short, the scooters were an absolute f***en mess. They were all completely covered in sand, salt and scratches, and missing various panels etc. The next hour was a total disaster as the boys desperately tried in vain to make the scooters presentable for the rental hire man. The lads found some fish crates, filled them up from the lagoon and started washing them with salt water (good for engines), much to the disgust of a local restaurant owner and several of his patrons who were regarding the whole scene with much amusement. The debacle continued as Sandall started spewing up stomach bile in front of everyone, only for Gus and Balf to start throwing fish remains at him, including a fish skeleton which stuck to his back whilst Sandall heaved into the lagoon. The washing of the scooters did very little to improve their appearance, but there were more pressing concerns - i.e. getting them to start. Sandalls one eventually spluttered and got going, but only if the throttle was held right down and kicked over, meaning the rider had to be ready to start driving as soon as the kickstart came down. To get Balfs dirt bike started, Gus had conveniently stolen some string from some poor b******s washing line to tow him with on his scooter in the hope that the dirt bike could be pull-started. It took a lot of time and a lot of stares from the locals before the big ginger being towed around the neighbourhood by a scooter and a piece of string finally got his dirt bike cranked up, and narrowly avoided ending up on a oncoming car bonnet in the ensuing excitement. Then it was off to see the poor rental dude. What an abortion. Naturally he was a tad upset with the state his scooters were in, as well as the loss of the bikes licenses which no-one had any idea whatsoever where they ended up. In a thick Brazilian accent that would have made the boys wet themselves had the situation not been so serious, he said "No license, No rental! No rental, No money!". After a highly intense and prolonged session of negotiation, which included a phone call to an English speaking friend, the four boys parted ways with ALOT of cash to cover the costs of their drunken fiasco. Sheepishly, the boys headed on to the bus station to catch a bus to their next destination, Iguazu falls.

Friday 14/10/2011

The boys got off their overnight bus early in the morning at Iguazu, which was is roughly in the area where Argentina, Brazil and Paraguay meet. Heres some fun facts about Iguazu falls:

-They are 82 metres high

-2.7 kilometres long

-There is 275 different waterfalls within the falls

-It forms the border of Brazil and Argentina

-They are f***en huge and give everyone a massive tingling in the groin area

Before the lads could get amongst one of South Americas most picturesic scenes (copyright Adam Mytton), they had to get eddy through the Argentinian border with his temporary travel document. The Argy border official wouldnt f***en let him through which was a balls up, instead directing him to the British embassy back in town. The shambolic situation escalated at the embassy, where two middle-aged, dreary Argentinean dykes informed eddy he couldnt get a visa into Argentina for at least 7 days, which was extremely unhelpful considering the lads were flying home in four days. This was undoubtedly the biggest f***up of the trip, and some heavy discussion was had by the lads in a effort to make the best decision for poor old Eddy. In the end it was decided that Eddy would head back to Brazils nearest big city (Sao Paulo), and buy another flight back to Australia to catch his connecting flight from Sydney to Perth, at great cost. The only upside to this for Eddy was that his smoking bird from Rio was in Sao Paulo, and there was an off chance he might catch up with her... The other boys would carry on into Argentina minus the hobbit, and carry on as planned. It wasnt ideal by any stretch of the imagination, but there was little the boys could do except spend their last afternoon together viewing the falls from the Brazilian side. Yet again its ridiculously hard to describe such an amazing natural phenomenon such as the Iguazu Falls. The size and scale was unreal, and the boys reckoned they were WAY better than the Niagara Falls. Some awesome photos were taken which will probably pop up at some stage on facebook. If any readers are planning on making a trip to South America, a visit to the falls is highly recommended. The boys then had to part ways which was emotional. Balf, Gus and Sandall got on an overnight bus to Buenos Aires, Argentina, while Eddy snatched a bus up to Sao Paulo, presumably never to be seen again....

Saturday 15/10/2011

Before this final section of the blog is finished, it has to be said the last four days in Buenos Aires were very, very loose indeed. So the recollection of the boys time here may be a little fuzzy and not at all chronological, due to the trip stepping up yet again a couple of notches. The trio rolled into Buenos Aires around midday, excited as f*** because they had been sober for 48 hours and the city looked like it was going to offer some great times. They checked into Milhouse hostel which was just off the main drag "Avenida 9 julio", then had a bit of a waddle around the city. The lads had a major problem with their cash situation due to a couple of factors such as theft, unforeseen scooter damage payments and the eddy borrowing to get himself sorted again. So after check-in the boys didnt even have enough money to buy a feed. That was until colossal c*** Justin Ormsby located a long-lost English credit card to flog the f*** out of. They couldnt withdraw cash with it but they could go to the supermarket and purchase some roof-cutting baguettes for dinner and four 1 litre bottles of vodka to wash them down. Because the hostel they were staying in didnt allow piss to be bought in, this excessive amount of poison had to be induced on the main street on a park bench, in a style that probably would have been fashionable had the boys still been fourth form. The boys remember drinking the first bottle then putting the rest in bags to take back to the hostel. They also remember being in their backpacker room having a few drinks up there. Between the three of them, what they dont remember is a single detail from the rest of the night, including how gear got in their pockets when they had no cash, how four litres of vodka got dispatched and how Gus' passport was missing. Memory kicks in at about 6am in the morning when the All Blacks semi-final vs Australia is on in the downstairs common room of the hostel, and the boys are settling in to watch it. There was quite a few ozzys present, who were unsurprisingly getting abused the f*** out of by the only 3 kiwis there. Security came down 3 times in an attempt to keep Gus Balf and Sandall quiet, but their excitement couldnt be dampened, especially when ozzys started leaving the room one by one. After the game had finished, there was a girl from Belgium lingering about looking for company, making the wise choice to make conversation with the three loud muppets. After about 5 minutes she had jumped Balf and asked him to come up to her room. He obliged but got booted out of there by a t*** of a frenchman (karma will get him in the final), so they went back to balfs room which was packed with people, including Gus and Sandall who were in the throes of kick-starting another party - it was 10am after all. Surprisingly, Balf wasnt overly disappointed when she fell asleep on him, because it sounded like Gus and Sandall were having a lot more fun outside the room door. The three of them spent the next couple of hours dispatching a half bottle of vodka mixer and about 300 durries, while giving Balf possibly the s***test haircut known to man. Balf will be eternally grateful to Sandall for the wicked set of steps carved into one side of his ginger head.

Sunday 16/10/2011

The boys managed to get a couple of hours of shut eye at some stage in the afternoon and had something to eat. This was just as well, because unbeknown to them, the next 48 hours or so were going to be nothing short of taxing on the old body. Reality was starting to hit home for Gus when he realised he didnt have a passport anymore, which was going to come in handy if he wanted to leave Argentina in a couple of days. However after some serious thinking and meditation, Sandall remembered what Gus had done with it - he had given it to Mario, a big fat Taxi driver, as collateral for gears as the boys had no cash! After scouring the backpacker room for a miniscule piece of pink paper with Marios number on it, the boys got hold of him and managed to meet up with the slug and regather the passport. A close one for team player Justin, but now that the important things were handled, it was time to see how a few white russians would slide down the gregory peck for the boys back at the hostel bar. Things were going pretty smoothly for the lads, especially for Gus and Sandall who spewed after the first drink. Things took a turn for the worst when Balfs Belgian waffle turned up pissed as f*** to the table and started making some none-too-subtle hints at him. Now that he was reasonably sober in comparison to 8am that morning, Balf could see that the Belgian bird was slightly mongoloid-looking, her drunken slurring not helping her cause. This wasnt going unnoticed by Gus and Sandall who were very helpful in this awkward situation with their witty mockery of Balf and his downer bird. Balf was showing very little interest in her, possibly due to the fact that conversation was virtually impossible, and in the end she gave him an ultimatum - come upstairs now or never. Balf politely declined and she stumbled off in a huff. Now that these minor details were binned, the real show could go on and it did in a big way. The boys had cash again and they punished Sandalls bank card at a massive nightclub, buying an obscene amount of piss. They had somehow located some dingers and spent the rest of the night dancing like f***wits and smoking electric puha in the club till it closed at 7am.

Monday 17/10/2011

7am Monday Morning. Buenos Aires, Argentina. Nothing open selling alcohol except for a breakfast cafe selling bottles of wine. The owner reluctantly handed over a couple of bottles to the boys who were visibly in a pretty bad way. The three clowns sat in the cafe for a couple of hours talking some ridiculous amounts of s***, and getting rid of the two bottles. After getting some evil stares from everybody in the cafe, the sacks headed back to the hostel where they met an Ozzy joker in their room called Dave who was just waking up. Now Dave was well and truly on the same wavelength as the lads, and so was his mate Deano, who was staying in his own penthouse suite at the top of the hostel designed specifically for hookers. Sandall had decided they were all going to hire scooters for the day, or a car if there were no scooters. No-one could argue with Sandalls idea as he was completely out of control by this stage, and was beyond reasoning with. The boys charged around town for an hour or so trying to find rental car companies in vain, which was just as well because it could only have ended in a catastrophe. But the boys were parched anyway so managed to get Sandall into an Irish bar and get some tasty drinks into him. It was about midday at this stage and Sandall was an absolute liability, making an enormous scene everywhere they went. The other lads werent too much better, but were eventually able to stop Sandall from throwing ice at businessmen in suits, who were innocently going able their daily lunchtime business. The boys only lasted an hour or so in the bar before being kicked out, courtesy of Sandall smashing two glasses, so it was back to Deanos porno penthouse suite for some more debauchery. Sandall couldnt even walk by this stage, the only friend he had left was the floor, but the others were charging. They all had to vacate deanos room in a rush when they started spitting at people on the sidewalk eight floors up and got caught by someone else across the street. The boys were swiftly cut off from drinking at the hostel bar, because of Sandalls state, which was probably fair enough seeing as he was doing things like; changing the music in reception to AC/DC, falling down flights of stairs, disgusting girls with his feral hairy tramp-like nature, bludging cigarettes of random people, and f***ing himself up in the elevator door in front of reception staff. It couldnt have been past four oclock in the afternoon by this stage. A kiwi girl from Masterton that the boys had met in the hostel witnessed sandalls behaviour and changed her facebook status to; "In Buenos Aires and have just met the drunkest kiwi I have ever seen". The five boys went back to their room and did their best to calm down for a bit, watching Sandall roll round the floor in his undies knocking over Vodka bottles, and listening to his gravelly dribble. After a couple of hours Sandall had started to become coherent, so the boys headed down the road and found another hostel to drink at. f***loads of alcohol got pissbowled here for a few hours then it was on to the dance club again to see what the place had to offer. All the Argentinean girls in here were f***ing beautiful, but the men were all aggro as f***, not happy seeing a pile of wired up gringos charging into their club. Sandall had waddled off at about 3, Gus was hooking into a good-looking argy slut, so Balf and the two ozzys headed on back to the hostel as the sun started to come up. Balf located Sandall down in the common room passed out in a chair, so woke him up to spin some s*** yarns. After Sandall had yundered up all his stomach lining, lung tissue and possibly a kidney, they headed upstairs to continue the debauchery in deanos room. After having had a couple of hours sleep over the last 3 days or so, the conversation was getting pretty f***en strange, so at around midday Balf and Sandall finally stumbled on down to their room and collapsed.

Tuesday 18/10/2011

What goes up must come down. Sandall and Balf spent the last day in South America in bed in what would have to be some of their worst hangovers ever. Gus came back from the Buenos Aires suburbs after peeling back another Latino victim to find Balf in bed shaking looking like death warmed up, and Sandall in the bathroom spewing up blood. Sandalls flight wasnt until four or so days later so Balf and Gus headed on out that evening to the airport to catch their flight. Who should they meet at the airport but none other than Edward f***ing Faulkner. Turns out an Argentinian visa only take 24 hours to obtain, not 7 days like the w****s at the embassy suggested. So eddy had got one and booked a flight to Buenos Aires to get on his original flight with Balf and Gus, after having a few days of fun in Sao Paulo. Eddy had contacted his bird from Rio (but who lived in Sao Paulo), and she had picked him up from his hostel there in a bullet-proof car. Eddy then spent the next few days in absolute bliss, being wined and dined by her, going to parties, and having some pretty raucous slam-time in her extravagant downtown apartment.

Heres a wee excerpt from a Sandall email detailing the last four days he spent in Buenos Aires without Eddy, Gus and Balf;

"Yeah the last few days in BA was a f***en nightmare, got on another 3 day bender with Dave (Deono f***ed off the same day you guys did I think) don't remember s***, did some naked sunbathing on the roof inbetween lines, woke up a couple of days later, walked downstairs and was swiftly pulled aside and asked politely to leave the hostel immediately, I asked why, and what had happened, the response was, 'Well you were really f***ed up last night, and you assaulted some of the staff members' (But I'm fairly f***en sure he meant INsulted) I do though have a hazy image of standing outside the lift on the ground floor being asked to go to bed or they were going to call the cops by the two male staff, but couldn't tell you what the f*** it was all about, Dave didn't remember s*** either, the bird from Masterton was on the gears with us at some stage as there is photographic evidence of this occurring. Wasn't allowed into the other Millhouse either so found some f***ING s*** hostel down from it on Mario the slug's street. Manage to yarn my way into the Millhouse Hipo to watch the code, sober, only Kiwi, so pretty s*** ending really. Me and Dave did a city biking tour though which was EPIC EPIC EPIC (on gears of course, we were early so popped into a fancy as f***en restaurant, got a couple of white russians, then took turns using the bathroom to powder our noses again for the big arvo of cycling)"

To be fair, it had been an immense couple of months for the boys and they were looking forward to getting home, for the sake of their health - mental and physical. It had been one helluva journey action-packed full of excitement, and easily the most substance abusing, sleep deprived, taxing trip yet. However the boys survived it to tell the tales and cant wait to bore holes, mow some wheat, and throw steel at some sheep to pay off the fun. Helluva continent.