I'm in a new country and another new time zone, but it still doesn't feel like i'm in Australia. I was expecting hats with corks, snakes and crocadile dundee on every street but the closest i've come to the red sand dream is seeing kids walk around in the 'Neighbours' style school uniforms, yes, they really do exist and they're far worse than they look on the telly, in fact the sight of 100% polyester burns my eyes from 100yards away.

Melbourne has proved itself to be pretty cool, the architecture is amazing, its like the city has been built by someone tripping on acid whilst watching a disney film, the library is in the shape of a book, the museum sinks into the ground and its all really vibrant colours, definately prozac-inspired. The weather however has been less than impressive, cloud, clouds i say? I didn't travel thousands of miles to ba back in a marshland, but i've had a word with god and he's gonna sort it out.

The trip from Christchurch was pretty simple, saw Ben Fogle at the airport (he looks just like he does on the telly), the plane was devoid of entertainment and complimentary drinks meaning that i had to keep myself amused for 4hours. It was a task, that's for sure. Got to the hostel and went for a walk and met up with some penguins called Tinkerbell and Clive who live in the rockbreak along the harbour. Have been staying in an area called St Kilda, which is a bit like Brick Lane-on-sea. Its very bohemium (read: poor but up and coming) with loads of good bars, boutiques and probably brothels. The beach is only a 10minute walk away and have so far managed to spend an afternoon topping up the tan. Hopefully there'll be more of that today too. the hostel is really nice, clean rooms (hurrah!) and a good lounge area and its unlicensed too which means you can legitamately bring in your own alcohol (hurrah!) and it has a bathroom decked out with boiling hot power showers (hurrah) meaning that i now have no excuse not to wash...

The days have seen us scouring the area and making the most of the free city transport. Have been to the zoo and saw some proper aussie animals - butterflies, ligers, unicorns, baboons and squirrels. Also saw some Kangaroos, snakes, lizards, crocs, dragons and mating monkeys. Have helped to boost the countries economy and get the real feel of the city by mixing with the locals and spending the day shopping.

The nights have generally seen us take the bleary steps towards goondom. Goon is the special drink, and it refers to boxed wine. Prefrably the cheapest you can buy, $10 is the going rate, for 2 litres. It's worse than Hock. But I think i'll have to try the differing varieties before i make further judgement though. Have also had some more sedate nights playing bingo, word-up and other games that are usually reserved for christmas day, but reflecting back they usually ended with Goon too.

Hmmmm, so now i'm sounding like a bit of alchy, so i think i may go and do something cultural and balance the equation out..