Jonnie and the "Charlie" saga

Siam Reep
Feb 24th.- 27th

Luckily the Coach collects you from your hotel, only problem was it was over an hour late, but being the experienced travellers we were, we simply took it in our stride.

We had booked the Vip coach seeing as it was only a fiver, and it would not be a bus trip without something happening, well today we had mr karaoke sat in front of us.

They proper love their music, and don't think anything of playing or singing in public. Well the bloke in front certainly did not, so on went his phone on speaker and he sings karaoke nearly all the way there.

I did not know nokia made such a powerful battery.

As we get in to Siam Reep, the roads, if you can call them that dissappeared, and just turned in to dirt tracks, and then the coach pulled up in a dusty old yard and everyone started to get off.

No sign of life much apart from the swarm of tuk tuk drivers that attacked the doors as we got off. The were all pulling and grabbing at us to get a fair, then this lad turned up saying he worked for the company and we got a free lift.

well number one you never believe any of this lot, and number 2 you never believe any of this lot. There is so much choas going on it is really hard to think, and i am hopeless at thinking on the spot, and next think ghis lad starts running off with our luggage, so we thought what the hell, jonnie can hold him down and i can give him a good kicking.

But as we drove off, one of the other guys who had been trying to get the fare shook his head and said

"i warned you but you would not listen - take care my friend"

oh well.

so when the dirt road got worse and the houses started to dissappear we were thinking our hold him down and kick him strategy would not work if he takes us to his mates.

So while we looked for something that resembled a gun or a baseball bat to enhance our strategy, luckily a town appeared and we pulled up outside a seedy nightclub.

"very good hotel my friend!"

Not fancying it we got out waiting for all his mates to jump us but he just drove off. No tip no nothing. we were truly in shock.

Siem Reemp is hard to describe, it is more French than anything, in appearance, a bit like new orleans, very small, the main towny bit is based around a small square area, very nicely done up, ideal for couples who manage to like each other at the beginning of the relationship, before the woman turns all psycho, or older couples that think they are better than everyone else and are just sad bitter and twisted old interfering.... anyway you get my drift.

But i did actually like it. we struggled to find a hotel, so had to make do with a rubbishy no window room down by the river. I wanted to look around for something better, but mr grumpy beer monster had appeared, so i gave up.

found the place over the river where the locals go for food and got a feast for 3 dollars. on the way back in to town we walked past a nightclub called of all things "martinis". So out of curiosity we walked in but it was dead, but decided to have a beer anyway.

The manager came over in his suit and showed us to a seat and then asked us if we wanted a lady. Well a lesser man would have thought it was the name of a new cocktail. So we said maybe later not wanting to offend him and then he left us alone. Then this young lad comes and stands behind us and would not let us pour our own drinks, as soon as we had had a sip he topped it up and did not move from the spot.

"This is gonna cost" i said to Jonnie.
Went to the loos and nearly splashed it all down my leg when the toilet attendant started giving me a shoulder massage whilst i was on the job. Ha ha i should be used to it by now but i did not see or hear him coming the little ninja.

So we decide to leave and ask for the bill, so our little slave dissappears off and is gone a few minutes. Next minute the manager turns up with another guy and sits down next to Jonnie.

Well Jonnie is older than me and his knees are on the way out, so if one of us was to get killed then it seemed fair for it to be him. Also i had the rest of my holiday to take. I was quite near the door, so i reckoned if it did kick off, jonnie was a gonner anyway, so i would make a run for it.

As it happens it was the old get the sfm cos this couple dont want coverplan and the shop is only on one percent for the day, so get him to have a go.

I cringe now to think i used to do that all the time. Anyway, despite his hothousing he got no sale, and ten dollars later we left alive and well.

"don't worry jonnie, i had your back covered" i told him as i patted his back.

Well i am not going to heaven anyway, so what does it matter haha?

went in to town to a place that Jonnie had read about that was supposed to be ace and full of women. As we walked up to it, it was covered in graffiti and full of backpackers sat outside with their bottle of water and 2 straws.

Might be better inside we thought, so Jonnie took a deep breath and kept repeating to himself "violence is not the answer". But no joy. i thought oh well and started looking at the cocktail list seeing as we were there.

Well i thought Jonnie was going to have another one of his heart attacks.
"are you normal?"
he starts ranting. "Eh?" i reply.
"cocktails! cocktails! are you normal ? you bring me in to hell, and then to top it off you want to stay and order cocktails!!!!!!"
haha you had to be there i suppose, but it was a repeat of Tokyos in Huddersfield all over again.

Needless to say we did not stay. Found a really cool place on the top floor of what we thought was a go go bar called "X" it overlooked the whole of town and served cheap jugs of tiger.

Next day

Found a much better hotel and celebrated in the usual way by starting drinking at lunchtime sat in the hot sun, not a good idea. Oh we booked a tuk tuk for the next day and our own tour guide to take us around the temples.

So back to the comedy,

so we spent the afternoon getting hammered and then went for a curry, and i spilled a load down my t shirt, but did not realise til later.
then we made the fatal mistake and did the usual trick of paying a tuk tuk driver to take us to the action and he pulled off and drove us around the corner and stopped outside this club we had already been to. well we had to laugh. But It was like Saigon all over again, he walked in with us and pulled up a stool and ordered a beer. looked like he was staying with us all night.

anyway he finally left us and i had had enough and was ready for bed but jonnie wanted to stay out so he headed off back to x bar.

well Jonnie is not good at directions at the best of times but when he is hammered he is hopeless.

so he found "x" bar fine and started power drinking his jug of tiger and started chatting this girl up.

about 3 hours later he rolls in the worst for wear...

"you wont believe what happened" he says.

well he had got slaughtered with this girl and in an attempt to seduce her he bought tons of drinks and somehow agreed to take her to a shop and bought her some charlie perfume which cost him a fortune, then she cleared off and he staggered in to the wrong hotel.

but that is not the funny bit. the way that it works is that they lock the doors, but one of the family sleeps next to the doors for security.

So this ploor bloke is fast asleep on the floor and the next minute some crazy skinhead (who is really angry over the Charlie perfume incident) is demanding he let him in. Add to this the fact that this poor bloke can not speak english.

After being let in, Jonnie looks around and realises he is in the wrong place.
Ha ha
worst thing was he did not have a clue where he was so ended up having to get a tuk tuk to take him, but when they pulled up he had forgotten he had blown all his money on Charlie perfume, so had to do a deal with him and give him a load of Thai Baht.

Ha ha

Next Installment .........Temple tours with a hangover.