Massages
It's official, me plus massages equals weird awkward uncomfortableness .
Example 1:
Alex and I both went for an Ayruvedic Massage in India one day to help us relax after a tough day laying around on the beach. Now, in India, unlike Thailand, men massage men and women massage women, which I have no problem with, being a forward thinking modern man.
So, booked our massages and sat down to wait for our respective masseurs which is all fairly routine stuff. We had been meaning to have a massage in India from the moment we stepped foot in Varkala and met a really lovely man who was all wide-eyed and excitable. Imagine someone with ADHD who really needs to go to the toilet. Well this is Sojan. Over the next couple of day's we kept bumping into him, and his childlike enthusiasm. Each time we saw him, his eyes lit up, we had a chat and moved on. Now, this kindness, warmth, and excitability led Alex to the conclusion that he was a bit gay. I could see where she was coming from but still thought he was just friendly and had no hidden agenda. But the more I thought about it, the more I saw that he, usually, totally blanked Alex, walked straight over to greet me with a huge smile and a lingering handshake. Like Mr Shake Hands Man from Bonzai. In this case, Mr Lovingly Hold Your Hand Man, from Varkala. We both found this quite funny and Alex was ribbing me for a while about it.
What was even funner for Alex, however, was when I looked over my shoulder to see my masseur on 'massage day' was.....you guessed it (if you hadn't already) Sojan!
Now, that image of someone with ADHD who really needs to go to the toilet, well, add to that someone who has just found out he's going to Disney land with Father Christmas on a plane made out of Chocolate. Still, I found the funny side and was fine with it.
I followed him to the dark room and took off my vest. Then it suddenly dawned on me that because I had been to the beach in swimming shorts, I had no pants on! I don't know how these massages work, do they massage you in your pants? They're using lots of oil, do I want to ruin my swim shorts? Think im going to have to be pretty naked. I know, I'll ask for a towel to protect my modesty (or a flannel). But no. No towel for me, instead he brought me a long strip of cloth with a bit of string on it.
I proceeded to get naked and he, well, sort of helped me put it on... I was so confused by this point and not sure if this was regular procedure but still went along with it (lets hope i never end up in prison).
So, there I was, looking like a really s*** Sumo Wrestler in my see through nappy, wondering if I might have been sexually assaulted before the massage had even begun!
What made it worse was that someone else was supposed to be having a massage in the same room as me, halfway through mine. I had images of this person laying down to be massaged, all comfy, in his shorts while I'm butt naked like a complete weirdo! The urge to ask to put my shorts on was strong but it was too late. The HOUR LONG massage had begun. At one point he asked if I wanted the light off...I said no but genuinely had no idea what the right answer was. Where am I? Who am I? Why am I still naked? I'm still not sure.
Example 2:
Went for a Thai massage with Alex in Chiang Mai.
The Indian massage wasn't that great to be honest and we were both longing for the technique, strength and thoroughness of a Thai massage.
You can't go too far wrong with a Thai massage...unless the person massaging you is a 6"2 LADYBOY! Yep, that's right, a 6"2 LADYBOY! And guess who forgot to wear pants again? Once again, that would be me. But, being the forward thinking man i am, i just laughed and thought 'at least it'll be firm'.
In Thailand they give you a thin, baggy outfit to wear so it wasn't as awkward as the Indian massage...yet.
Now, the baggy-thin-cotton-trousers-no-pants-full-thai-massage combo is not a good one. It gives full license for a certain part of the anatomy to play the 'free role'. Not what you need when Conan the Barbarian is working her way up your leg to the groin area and you dress to the left! They spend so much time on the groin.
That first half hour was possibly the most uncomfortable half hour of my life. I was sweating like I'd taken a wrong turn and stumbled into a Michael Barrymore pool party.
I think she could probably sketch a drawing of my manhood with incredible accuracy after that massage. Or tailor me some trousers...in between building a house with her bare hands.
When she told me to turn over, it felt like the best moment of my life.
The night before a Bird (not Rat) relieved itself on me.
I can tell you now, it definitely isn't lucky.