Elephant, Elephant, ELEPHANT!

Today was the day Alex had been dreaming of. Elephant day!
A day where you get to touch, ride, feed, wash, play and maybe even do a cuddle with proper Elephants.
Morally, I always feel a little bit uncomfortable about these animal excursions. We once rode an Elephant in Thailand but unfortunately it wasn't a very nice experience for the Elephant or us.
With this in mind we did a bit of research and decided to go to a place that prides itself on being 'eco friendly', the Thai Elephant Home.
They rent the Elephants from local owners, who may not be able to look after the Elephants themselves, mainly due to costs - or being b******s - and take care of them for the majority of the year. The profits made from the home are invested into saving the local jungle.
They buy areas of the jungle that have been destroyed by elephants left to forage for their own food, replace the dead vegetation, and protect it while it grows. Almost every customer gets the opportunity to plant a tree in the area to contribute to the reforestation project. Also, every Elephant owner in Thailand now needs registration documents to prove they legally own the animal. It was all encouraging information.
So, at stupidly-early-o'clock we got picked up by a mini bus and headed off to see the Elephants!
Our journey was an interesting one due to the fact there were mainly absolute mentalists on board.
One of the worst sounds to hear early in the morning, apart from your alarm, is enthusiastic Americans. It is. Oh, and enthusiastic Japanese. Actually, just enthusiasm in the morning in general.
We were blessed with this classic combination within seconds of entering the mini bus.
First up was your stereotypical Japanese tourist. I thought it was just something invented by xenophobic, if not racist types. An observation created by the 70's bigoted comedian who hadn't even met a real Japanese person before. If said comedian had met this person, he would have had a field day. If you met this person, you wouldn't believe it.
She was this huge ball of enthusiasm, in a tiny frame, all wide eyed bushy tailed. It was as if she'd been locked away from the world for the last 25 years. Everything we drove past was met with gasps and squeals of astonishment with head movement like trying to speak to a friend through a crowd of people. Head dodgeball.
That was just the reaction to trees. It went up a level when she saw a donkey. When she saw an elephant from 1000 metres the yelp of 'oooooooooooh elephant, elephant, ELEPHAAANT!' cried out. This was followed by 'so cute, so cute, SOOO CUUUTE!' mimicking the sound of a boiling kettle on the stove. What is she going to do when she gets to ride one? I think she will literally explode. Literally. Maybe she was a feral child. I don't know. She was a great character though, just not that early in the morning.
Mowgli was talking to an Anerican lady, also bursting with enthusiasm and kindness, who was fuelling the fire. This lady was obviously very, very nice. Or a serial killer. It's a fine line. Some people have that look in their eyes, like religious extremists or people who are too nice for the world and one day they roast their dog for Sunday lunch, totally unaware of their actions.
Or that lady who pushes her cats around in a Victorian pram.
Like I said, it was too early for me.
Also bubbling away in the background were a couple of young Americans talking business and Fox News politics. I actually heard the girl say 'they want me to go over and run the Europe section, but Europe is way, way too small for me'. Other gems were 'Since I've been inAsia, I'm much more confident wearing colour' and '...more people are killed by vending machines than sharks.'
I was thinking about why teleportation hasn't been invented yet, even a Jetsons type of suck-you-through-a-tube system would do. Anything but this journey.
If Alex wasn't in the mini bus, I'd have taken my chances and hoped for a crash.
Maybe I should drink coffee in the mornings?
Anyway, after 4 long years, we arrived at the Thai Elephant Home. A de-briefing and change of clothes later, it was time to meet the Elephants.
We walked over in our fashionable denim, looking like the Asian version of B*witched, and were delighted by the sight of 7 elephants - including a baby one.
We were handed bunches of bananas and proceeded to feed them by hand, like getting your sock sucked up the Hoover.
After feebly trying to exchange food for friendship, and learning a few commands in Thai, it was time for a test ride.
I would like to be able to say I became the Elephant whisperer in a matter of minutes and pronounced King of the Elephants. In reality they didn't listen to a word, although it was still impressive when they offered a foot to help scoop us onto their backs.
After making ourselves comfortable on our chosen animals neck and aquatinting ourselves, we were off on our hour-and-a-half trek through the Forrest/Mountains.
We stopped off for a break at a natural mud bath. After eating our pad-Thai noodle lunch, it was time to rub down the Elephants in the mud. It was great. Each Elephant individually laid itself down and awaited it's beauty treatment. They seemed to be loving every cooling minute of it spraying themselves with the mud and rolling around. Alex was beaming constantly throughout in her absolute element.
Mowgli must have wet herself on at least 9 separate occasions.
Another short trek - whilst feeding our Elephants sugar cane - led us to a river we had to cross. Only we weren't just crossing. If the mud baths were relaxation, the river was pure Elephant fun time. Once in he river they were rolling around under water, doing near somersaults, not listening to a word their handlers had to say, spraying water at everyone and all round having a great time. It was unanimously the best part of the day.
They were saving the best until last as after this we made our way back for an emotional Elephant farewell and returned to our guesthouse.