IT'S NOT WHERE YOU ARE....IT'S WHO YOU ARE WITH....

For the first time since I've been here...I actually got on line and started to look at flights back to the U.S....I haven't felt this off, I keep thinking i'm getting sick, so I have been taking cold medicine, and now i'm realizing...it's not a cold, its my little friend who I thought I got rid of called "exhaustion/depression."

I think its very easy for people to take a look at the pictures and say, what's her problem? She is living the dream...traveling all over, not stuck behind a desk, what could she possibly be exhausted from?!?!? Let me preface with you can make anything look easy...but doing it and living it is a different story...getting around, nasty or quiet hostels, finding work, dealing with visas, not having a home to come back to every day, or a clean sofa to curl up on and just relax without worrying where your bag is....I'm just gonna allow myself to have this weak, low moment and share with all of you...we can't be "strong" all the time....

This YHA hostel is like being at silent retreat...noone is around, and its too late to switch it up. A few years back I actually went to a silent retreat in MA at Kripula...I signed for a 4 day retreat, I thought...I needed to learn how to "listen"....After 3 days of not speaking, doing yoga and meditation round the clock, I started freaking out...I actually tried speaking to someone in the hallway, at first by giving them a pleading look with my eyes....that said SPEAK TO ME!! The person looked at me as if I was satan roaming the halls and quickly ran from me...thats when I ran to my room, grabbed my cell phone and in the snow, dead winter....ran out into the forest to use my cell phone on a silent retreat. I called my boyfriend at the time, and started whispering...in return he whispered back...until we both realized how freakin ridiculous the whole thing was, and I got on a bus the next day home. Did help me learn to listen?....not really....just learned i like to communicate;).

Its funny who we reach out to when we are sad or feel utterly alone...So far I have reached to my road friends, like Shreck and Scooter. Traveling alone is their job. When we would talk about it, they would tell me the worst part about the job is that you can't plant roots anywhere. People believe traveling all over and never having a return ticket or a destination is "romantic"...it does give you a sense of freedom, and experience comes with that. There are nights when your alone in bed...and you think to yourself...what the hell am I doing here? Whats next?...and the worst...wishing you had someone next to you. Its difficult to explain, but it isn't a sexual thing, its a cuddle, very big difference. Just someone to lay next to...can really be so comforting sometimes, I feel people who do have that every day...may not realize how lucky they really are...or appreciate it...or even tell the person next to them...how much they appreciate it...They both talked me down off the ledge, each telling me different things. Both guys knowing me quite well, after spending endless crazy days with me on the road....Shreck said he understood, which was comforting, and told me he was in a bit of a funk as well...Scooters advice was to go to live music, and get a beer. I told him I actually thought about going back to the U.S and just setting up there, basically giving up...he paused for a long silence....and then said "don't do it, you'll regret it as soon as you get off the plane."...worst part is I know he is right. Unlike a "normal" backpacking trip, if you have been reading the blogs...I'm not a normal backpacker, I do not have an end date, I do not have a return trip home, with set dates, I dont know I will be able to get back into Australia, which I feel would be really unfair...I have started an application visa to Hong Kong just in case...If it was time to come "home" I would know...one day it will be...it isn't now, and deep inside I do know that....I almost just wanna come for a visit and turn around again, but when I ask myself whats the purpose?..the only answer I can come up with is that for the moment I feel sorry for myself, and usually I take on the worlds issues and never consider mine. Usually I have to be strong for everybody else... Right now at this moment, I need someone to make me feel better...and just let me be a weakling...just for a little bit.....the nice part....shreck, scooter, jackie, and steve...all let me be really weak today, and endured me, spending time on the phone, checking up on me.... My favorite was Steve who was on his way to temple for sukkot, and decided I needed a happy song...and proceeded to "sing" a made up happy song for me...that I wish I could have recorded, it was hysterical....I truly love these people, and I hope if God does have a plan for me that I dont know about...he will let me see them all again.

On a lighter note...I met a woman who is in her 30's in Sydney on a ferry to manly beach some time ago...we exchanged emails, she is from Melbourne. I got to meet her for dinner the other night...She was telling me about this brutal 3 year relationship she had just left, and was living in switzerland, just setting back up again in Oz...all was fine until she told she was a lesbian. Now...normally this wouldn't bother me at all. It started bothering me, when she started hitting on me, in return feeling odd and uncomfortable I started overcompensating...talking about men....which made it even more uncomfortable....I was telling Scooter about this whole experience, he was laughing so hard I could hardley hear him on the phone...contrary to popular belief, I do have a "conservative" side...which Scooter saw on the trip, and he knows certain situations make me uncomfortable, and he saw how I acted when I was uncomfortable...So he thought this situation with the lesbian I got myself into was hysterical...and actually he's right, looking back it was really funny. will not be spending anymore time with her while in Melbourne, its a shame, cause I feel Melbourne is a good spot, and If I had more time, and better location living wise, I think I could have set up like I did in Sydney, unfortunatley the vibe is just not here with me....and my heart is somewhere else at the moment....

Jackie from Sydney left me a voicemail and said... "If you weren't homesick, you wouldn't be normal...you'll be home soon enough, see you soon."....

I hope thats a sign for what I think it is.