I can't stand the air-conditioning anymore. It hurts my throat, the chill is terrible, and worst of all I get a headache every time I enter a building. The air is dry, you feel the sweat built up outside condense on your skin, knowing that sooner or later you'll get a fever. Right now I just wait outside the shops until the women - Remko & Michel - are done. It's better this way. Especially big cities like Bangkok are bad during the day. The heat just ricochets off the concrete and radiates magnified tenfold back at you. The slight breeze is blocked by high-rise, and the traffic's exhaust is icing on the cake. The only time I really enjoy is the night. As the temperature cools down you'll start to feel more comfortable, more at ease. The city transforms...

I've said it before, and I'm saying again; we're probably descended from insects. The lights, they are sooo pretty. The darkness hides the ugly details, the filth, the rubbish, only the neon-glow remains. And the city looks like a beautiful jewellery box. Especially from up high. The day the Netherlands played the World Cup finals we went up into the sky.

A 60-storey hotel, the top floor an open terrace, offering a really good vantage point of the city. Dressed in shorts, an orange shirt and sandals we were promptly turned back at the entrance. You have to dress properly. So we trot back to the hostel - and mind you, this is already the fourth or so time as we always forget something - to change. I put on my long pants, scramble to find my shoes which I have only worn about once in the past month, and we head back. Smiling radiantly we point to our shiny new clothes and the doorman lets us in. Whisked through beautiful marble halls by a multitude of attendants we enter a luxurious elevator Still not fully realizing but as we exit on the top floor it immediately dawns on us that we are seriously underdressed. The skybar is a chic place, everyone wears a suit, a night-gown, or at least proper shoes. Oops; this is a different Asia. But the view....!

So amazingly beautiful! Ok, every town looks great at night from atop. So does Bangkok. But still, even now, after seeing a million cities at night, I keep getting amazed at its beauty. Spots of light adorn the roadsides, cars' flashing beams move like ants, criss-crossing and a dark serpent divides the city, the river snaking in gracious bends. However we're not allowed to take pictures. Not a touristy place the guard - very friendly by the way - explains us. Although, if we were to go down to the terrace, the actual sky-bar, then it's allowed to make pictures from there. Of course, it's implied to buy something. And judging from the clothes people are wearing I'd guess it's about 5-10 Euros for just a soda, if they even serve that. But screw them! I just went down, and as long as I'm not kicked out, I'm not buying anything. So we walk down, camera neatly hidden in the folds of my short as to not be too apparent and casually - like I belong here - stroll to the railing. And start taking photographs with my trusty podzilla. I do get the occasional evil eye, but unless you do something that's not allowed Asians will not confront you. The loosing face cretum and all :)

It was really beautiful up here, but that's not to say that from down below the lights aren't pretty. All the temples are artfully lit all night, making them much more appealing than during the day. After the tenth wat it's not really special anymore, but at night they do win back their rightful target of my photography skills.

The outer shell of Bangkok is beautiful, but the inner part is rotten to the core. Not confounded to a single spot, hookers offer their services at every corner of the town. You can spot them pretty easily, wearing ridiculously short dresses, standing by the road, leaning against a wall, a small purse in their hands. The oh-so obnoxious tuk-tuk drivers turn into obnoxious pimps at night, shoving leaflets under your nose of pretty girls, and massages with "happy ending". I tried getting one of these leaflets as a souvenir, but all I succeeded in was promising the guy to be at the same spot the next day at nine for him to take me to a happy massage (only 1500 baht, plus 20 for the tuk-tuk). Dammit, now I can't go to Khao San Road for the next few days for fear of having to make good on my promise.

The more business minded types will even give a demonstration of the activities you pay for. It's really disgusting though, seeing a fat guy rubbing himself all over, including his crotch, and performing a phantom fellatio on the street right in front of your eyes. It was great fun though, and as we has camping outside our guesthouse I teased him every night, rubbing myself as we went back. Smiling of course!

Bangkok is famous for its sex industry. And the infamous ping-pong shows. Being here, we had to see it! Or at least make an effort to go as RM - I'll just shorten their names like this - probably didn't think we'll actually go and see one. But as men we have to show we are true sexual predators. So we flag down a cab to go to Patpong Rd 1. Where the real red-light district is. As we tell the driver our destination this huge grin appears on his face. All they way there, taking several detours, he is in a total ecstasy saying "ladies, ladies, pretty lady for you" and "lady here, look, nice!" showing us all the girls next on the roadside. He must think we're going for some nookey, judging from my short hair, bad-boy - well, badder than it was - looks. I don't know what it is. Everywhere we go it is I who gets grabbed, pulled in, called after, spanked by the ladies, never the others. I should wear a hat. Or a wig; and nerdy glasses, and a spencer.

So we arrive at Patpong Rd 1, the driver still smiling, speeding away, his voice echoing in the night. What immediately strikes me are the big-name hotels just a single block down the road. Well, yes, the product should be close to the customer. The moment we exit the cab multiple Thais rush us, each inviting us. Michel of course needs to find a toilet, so me and Remko are left behind. We finally manage to get rid of most of our suitors, but the last one is really persistent. He even follows us, constantly repeating "p**** p**** sucky-sucky, ping-pong show, beautiful girl, no ladyboy" like a mantra. He just doesn't give up even after we turn down his offer for the zillionth time. So in the end we just sit down and really rudely start talking to each other, ignoring him completely. So damn annoying.

Michel finally gets back and we can explore the neighbourhood. Scantily dressed girls invite us at every turn, men running around with pamphlets advertising their club, pretty standard stuff. Although a girl running after you in spandex and spanking you on the butt with a giant rubber dildo is something different. We didn't enter anywhere, though. Standard male big-speak of doing everything but then, when it's really time to go, fail to do so. Well, I'm not going to let that happen! Not here, not in Asia! I do have to wait for almost an hour in front of the McDonalds as M goes for another pee and RM probably ponder what to do. Probably thinking I will wuss out, and thus saving face, I am given charge of the operation. But they do not know me! Bad decision! Ha ha!

I walk purposefully down the street looking for a club that looks red enough and inquire about "ping-pong". Apparently not all clubs do table tennis, as a woman tells us to follow her and we are led from one club to another, looking for the show. Finally we arrive somewhere, pay 300 baht each and are whisked inside.

Eh, what shall I say? Most important of all, do not under any circumstance try to find a ping-pong show at two in the morning! We were the only people in the bar apart from the (half) naked girls dancing on the podium. That's just really, really weird, even for. RM were already in shock the moment they saw I was going through with it, so I don't think it really mattered for them. As the girls started their show just for us we are given company of three ladies trying to get more out of the evening. How can one enjoy the show like this? Even less when the madam sits down next to me, practically begging to be bought a drink - yeah, right, b****! - and starts a really, really disgusting "sucky-sucky for good price" motion with her tongue. Ugh. I cannot speak for the others, but I had a really hard time not to burst out laughing.

Just to annoy her, I offer the madam my drink which she of course doesn't want, enquire about the price of the girls, and just mess with her in general. Apparently you can "get" them for the whole night for only 3600 baht (40 EUR), from three in the morning when they turn from dancers into... eh, something else. The girls seated next to us would probably be the ones to take our money. It's really unfair that Remko had the prettiest one - including free lapdance! - and I get Ms chubby. She was really nice though, and so funny. Sitting completely - she might've had something on though - she was going "oh, soo hot, I am soo warm in here" all the time. Ha ha. Seeing as we weren't getting anywhere they seated an old grandma next to her, giving instructions on how to soften me up. It was great, I had to chuckle the whole time!

But the show! The actual show we came here for! It was - as the lonely planet wrote - really more for a good laugh than for a turn-on. They were pulling all kinds of stuff out of the...you know; thingie. Really amazing. I think there even was a two metre long confetti thing coming out. Not sure though, chubby next to me was distracting me the whole time with silly questions. And the ping-pong... hahaha. This girl comes up to the stage, gets a bucket of ping-pong balls, and shoves it in at the front. Two chairs are set down in front of her, and two of us are invited to take place. I of course go immediately, a table tennis bat in my hand, Remko is supposed to be the other. I think he's in total shock. Refuses to come up. I get chubby again in the chair next to me. And then....

If anyone has seen 'South Park the Movie - Longer, Bigger, Uncut', there is this part where Wynona Ryder comes up to perform for the USO show. Ping-pong balls go in, and we see her from the back shooting them out. Everyone is in awe and clapping widely and as the camera pans to the front we can see she's just batting away the balls at the front. Well; that's not how they do it in Bangkok. I am the one holding the bat and the balls come from.... well, you know where... I had to put my best table tennis skills to use not be hit by any of them and bat them back into the bucket another of the girls was holding. It was great though.... once.

There probably was a lot more to the show, but as the initial shock wore off my two buddies gave up. Their beer finished they decided they couldn't hang on any longer and would wait outside for me. That's a bit too much even for me to sit there on my own. I leave as well, leaving a pissed off madam behind. Time spent inside: 35 minutes.

Cab ride to Patpong Rd 1: 97B
Entrance to the club: 300B
Participating in a live ping-pong show: priceless
- for everything else: MasterCard

All in all, this is something that has to be experienced. Just don't go at two in the morning. Around ten in the evening is probably a much better time.

While we're at the ladies, I also had my first ladyboy experience in Bangkok. I would call them transsexuals, or shemales, but I kinda like the term ladyboy. It sounds so lovely and grows on you. I have seen quite a few of them in this city. Really, really strange. You see these beautiful women, having a really beautiful body. From behind you can't tell the difference. The only thing that's a bit suspicious is the height. They are taller than the average Asian (#1). When they turn around, do look at the face. Everything below is a man's dream. The face is mostly more rugged, manly, square (#2). I don't know how to explain, but it just looks odd, something doesn't quite fit. The voice (#3) is the final giveaway. It has this adolescent half-way, quivering pitch. But some, if you don't speak to them... holy crap. A few days later, in Vientiane, Laos, I saw this really, awesomely beautiful Asian girl. Just perfect. I was probably drooling, or at least my jaws were left hanging, because the Lao girl next to me whom we hooked up with just looks at me and says "ladyboy". What the? No f***ing way! I'm not trusting any of the girls anymore. Damn!

Anyways, back to my story. I split up with RM as I was meeting with Laura - from Malaysia, remember? - to chat to and I am on my way back home; alone. Along the way, sitting by the side of a building I see a tourist talking to a ladyboy. I look at her, smile, and she smiles back (let's keep it at a she, or I will get way too confused). But this was my demise! I should stop smiling at people! But I can't. Finding a new victim she sneaks up behind me and starts talking to me. Being nice, I don't shoo her off, but I must be pretty shocked cause I miss my street and have to take the long(er) way home. A few minutes into the walk she puts her arm around my shoulders and we walk like lovers down the street. I must still be in shock. He.

She is really friendly though, talking about how she wants to become a fashion designer in Paris, and God knows what else. I just keep saying to her that I am tired, going back to sleep. She would like a drink.... naaah. Although she keeps saying she just wants to talk and be friends, to this day I cannot decide whether that's true or be "friends". All I remember as we stroll back to my hotel is the people staring at me with big smiles, and the tourists just gaping. Like how can I not see that this is a he! All that goes through my head are the repeated silent "heeeelp meeee"-s and God where the hell is my hotel?

I think THIS is my ping-pong show shock....

Muay-Thai is the number #1 sport in Thailand. The two biggest places in Bangkok, Lumpini and the newer Raja stadium host fights every day. On Monday evening the 12th of July we finally experienced the most brutal sport in the world. We did get charged a ridiculous amount of money though. Thais only pay about 200B for 3rd ring seats, we paid a 1000B. Foreigner rip-off as usual. The matches start at six in the afternoon, finishing around eleven. There are eight bouts in total, five rounds each, three minutes a round. The first few matches are juniors, young kids and as the evening progresses so does the age, the weight and the excitement. Just as with football, the Thais probably love the gamble even more than the fight itself.

To be frank, the fights themselves are a bit disappointing. Third ring is pretty far away as not to see the gory details and we are used to so much more from film. Firstly the movies give the impression of a bloody fight to the death with everything goes tactics, spines broken, etc. Secondly, what you see on Eurosport is top of the notch obviously. Just as with everything, watching the Manchester United vs Reaal Madrid is much more rewarding than sitting in on a game of your local amateur club. Or we don't really understand the game. Most of the time we didn't even know who won, usually being surprised at the victor. The Thai seemed to know, they were cheering a lot, doing phantom moves of kicks, punches, imitating the fight. We had one prematurely ended fight, which was really great. No knock-out, but after an initial hit - which to us didn't even seem to hit blue - the poor chap was obviously shaken badly and red taking advantage of the situation gave him such a savage onslaught that the referee stepped in.

What was really fun though was seeing the crowd:
Everyone was betting! Waving their arms in the air, the bet was between one man and another, each of them being a bookie and player at once. They stand up, yell something - probably blue or red - then start shaking their hand showing for example three fingers for a 300B bet. They look around, keep yelling, looking for eyecontact with someone else who is willing to bet for the same amount. Or at least I think this is how it goes. I tried to talk to someone and have it explained to me but he thought I was trying to bet as well and quickly got out of the way. Apparently foreigners aren't allowed to participate in this sacred game of money-losing :)

Sunday night. The 11th of July. A day that could've turned out so much differently. Yes. Football. I have watched a lot of the games, but mostly out of curiosity. Because it's a world cup and you're supposed to see. But never got really excited. Not even when we played. Most games were boring, and slow. However as we beat Brazil in the quarter-finals, and then Argentina in the half, I cannot claim that the excitement, the rush didn't build up. By the time we reached the finals I was really cheering to win, for the first time in a long-long time.

The finals reached us in Bangkok. What better place to go see than at Khao San Road, the most horribly touristy, drunk- and party-ridden place in whole of Thailand. But fate would have it otherwise. About a day or so before the game word reaches us that the Dutch embassy has organised a huge party for the finals. Obviously, we have to go here! What better place to celebrate being a world champion than on Dutch soil?

The dress code was orange so I could put the orange shirt I bought in Malaysia to good use. The match starts at 1:30AM, but we arrive in time, around 22:30 to be sure of getting in. It is said a few thousand people are expected and full is full. The embassy grounds are adorned in orange and already a pretty big crowd is inside. Like an orange flood. We go into the big tent, a live band is already singing heartily and the beer flowing freely. Three more hours until the game...

I must reaffirm my believes about the Dutch though. We are an unruly bunch, never abiding by the rules. Especially when we're drunk.

There is no smoking in the tent. Of course some a******s smoke, even next to little children. Even after you ask them to stop, they will lit another. Or completely forgot they aren't supposed to by the second half and we have to look back really cross to make them stop. I can get so pissed at such idiots.

And the drunkenness. Why can't people be nice-drunk? Why the f***ing hell do you have to throw half-full beer glasses into the crowd? You think it's funny? I swear to god, if I would've seen who'd done it I would've kicked the s*** out of them. f***! I smelled like beer all evening and I wasn't even drunk s***faced.

Oh and of course! BE f***ING QUIET WHEN THE NATIONAL ANTHOM IS PLAYED. YES, EVEN FOR SPAIN!!!

Although it wasn't just the plebs who were annoying. Me and Koen - the guy we met at the hostel and who suggested we come here - found a pretty good spot at the front and held on to it valiantly for the 3+ hours it took for the game to start. We did let small kids get up to the front, but it was really, really full. So after hours of sitting, waiting, the hotshots show up. South African ambassador, US ambassador, Thai ambassador, whatever. Obviously they have VIP seats. But at least reserve them. Do not walk into a pretty impatient - and quite drunk - crowd expecting to just sit wherever you like. This stupid blonde cow just sits down right in front of me and demands of me to move back. I'm like "what the hell?" and get this haughty look about "we organised this whole thing so you just move away!". Aaargh, I could've strangled her.

And you can see she's just this shallow woman, doing things for show. She probably doesn't even like football, especially this late, but as the cameras, the photographers swoop in, she transforms into the biggest fan. Clapping wildly, cheering, moving wildly, I can spot a fake ho from miles away. And yes, she didn't stay for the additional time, so I was right!

I probably would've written something else here if we would've won. About the great atmosphere, the cheering, the after party. But we didn't. So I cannot really be positive. It was great until the 113rd minute. All downhill from there. We went home broken. I threw away my orange shirt that morning.