Thailand. The land of a thousand smiles. Better said, the land of a thousand thugs... smiling. The view of Asia that has been so carefully crafted everywhere I've been so far has been crushed within a day. Perhaps I am slightly biased and it's just Bangkok that's so terrible, I'll have to see.

I am not surprised cab-drivers of any kind try to rip you off. It's in their blood, no matter if it's on sea or on land, so it was no surprise to have to force the taxi driver from the airport to use the meter. He was heavily protesting of course, convinced that it's a lot cheaper if we use a fixed-price ride. From Michel - who arrived two days later; the idiot doesn't trust Air Asia and had to have an Emirates flight; much more expensive and a lot more hassle - the driver even took the issued complaint form and tried to throw it away. I'm already used to this, this is not new. But not to what happens on the street once you set a foot out the relative safety of your lodging.

Strolling slowly down the streets, heavily glancing at their map / travel book, generally looking lost, we are a prime target. Until this day I do not know if the first person we met was actually trying to help, or whether it was just a setup to lure us to a fancy restaurant.

There are a couple of ways to get around in Bangkok. On foot, which isn't terribly convenient as the city centre is quite spread out, by a taxi, by boat, or by the infamous tuk-tuk. These small three-wheeled vehicles of death require heavy bargaining to get to your destination. Which is hard, because all foreigners are mistaken for millionaires and usually pay double or triple the going rate. It is a definite must-try though. So as we stroll around the streets, glancing at the Lonely Planet and generally looking lost, we are a prime target. A very friendly man comes up to us, seeming really helpful. He asks us where we come from and what we want to do. Eat we say and he recommends a very good restaurant - about halfway around the city. Then he flags down a tuk-tuk, warning us to only take official ones with this and that sign, bla, bla, and bargains with the driver for a 50 baht charge. 1 Euro is about 42 baht, so it's a pretty good price. We thank him for his help and have our first tuk-tuk adventure.

Whizzing through the streets, making such hairpin turns that we have to hold on to the railing just keep alive, it is indeed an experience one must not miss. Lights? Pedestrian crossings? Road signs? Lanes? Who cares, if there's a spot somewhere we'll squeeze through and with a healthy dose of honking we easily beat the Bangkok rush-hour traffic. The only problem are the fumes. I feel like I've plugged my nose in the exhaust pipe of a huge lorry as it gives full throttle. It's suffocating, disgusting. Not that it's much better on the streets, but being in the middle of it for the whole ride... this probably counts as having smoked a dozen packs of cigarette.

As we hold on for dear life, the driver jokes about wanting us to drive his tuk-tuk. He shows us the gas, the breaks, the steering wheel and just laughs when we politely decline again and again. It's probably his standard gig for foreigners. Well, he doesn't know me, so after the umpth nuding I agree and move forward to take over the wheel. Pfft, I can do this easily. Immediately the expression on his face changes, you can see he did not expect his, and in almost panic he mumbles something about being very close to our destination. b******! Follow through you wimp!

The traffic is hectic in Bangkok. Not simply is there an invisible third lane on the roads - as almost anywhere in Asia - but when the traffic is scarce the opposite lanes are simply taken. Dynamic "spitsstroken" at its best at no additional cost. The Netherlands can learn from this! Pedestrian crossings are there more for show than anything else as no one will ever stop for you. You just have to take a deep breath and plunge head-on into the oncoming traffic, waving your arms wildly and hope for the best. Even traffic lights are easily overseen. The only cars that actually consistently stop for them are taxis. But they get paid for being stationary, so it's not fair to give them so much credit.

So. We get dropped off at some restaurant, by now thinking that the friendly Thai was probably on a commission for this place. If it were for me, I'd have just left to find some cheaper place, but Remko is puss-wuss and needs his food. Cautiously we scan the menu, and yes, the prices are kinda right for being a scam. 8-9 Euros for a meal, there aren't even any prices for fish, it just says "depending on weight". We end up paying about 1000 baht. Not too much in western terms, only slightly more than 20 Euros, but after this, the most expensive meal we had was 200 baht at the Bangkok Oriental which is among the best hotels in the world. Heh. Well, lesson learned.

The waiter - very friendly by the way - made some small talk and as we were leaving grabbed my pen and stated: "exchange Holland pen!". It was just by my quick wits that I retrieved my precious Parker brushed metal ballpoint (value +25 Euros) from his sticky hands. Damn! He probably didn't like me after that.

We leave the restaurant and start down the street, exploring the area. Every few minutes Thais yell after you saying "tuk-tuk" and are most adamant to get us in. "where you want to go?" "where you from?" "that is wrong way", we hear a whole repertoire of invites and are even followed for a few metres just for good measure. Very, very annoying. It takes me several days to learn how to handle these hounds from hell. Just ignore them. Don't look, walk quickly, like you know where you're headed and if you're in a good mood shake the hands horizontally signalling a firm "NO!". If they're persistent, just be an a****** and continue walking, ignoring them completely. Like Hong Kong. I don't like doing this but if you stop for every one of them to start a discussion, you'll never get anywhere.

The best approach is to not look. Which is really hard as I like looking at people. But the moment you have eye contact, vendors close in for a sale and it's so very, very annoying. Tuk-tuk drivers, street-vendors, suit-makers, everyone just comes up to you and you have to be really blunt - with a smile - and turn them down. Or just walk through, completely ignoring their efforts. At least they don't grab you in the arm as did the madams in HK. But they will stand in your way, shove their advertisements in your face. Aaargh. Just leave me alone dammit. If I want something I'll come to you, I don't need this constant hassle. Can't they see it's actually hurting their sales?

But most of all I hate the ones trying to cheat on you. After walking from our hostel to the well-known backpackers' street of Khao San Road - which is just horrible by the way! Even more obnoxious vendors than usual and full of absolutely wasted, drunk, mostly British and Dutch teenagers - we decide to take the boat the next day.

As we look for the pier a very helpful man comes up to us. Tells some kind of bulls*** story about how he just arrived here, did this, and that tour and how great it is, bla, bla and starts taking us to the pier. Almost there he tells us that today is a holiday and the boats do not operate, after 11 in the morning. But, we are lucky, he did a tour on a long-tail boat and those still work. For only 1700 baht they will show us around and we get to see all the nice temples - wat - and the small water canals - khlong - and how great this is. f***, duped again. By now it's really impolite to just turn away, or so it feels. So I hold a fake discussion with Remko - smiling of course - and turn away, heading back to the main road. The long-tail boat driver is pretty pissed off and yells at our "guide", probably asking him why we aren't taking the trip. I have to explain him we don't have enough money on us, at which he immediately asks me how much I have with me, maybe hoping to still get a deal for less. As I always keep small denominations in my right pocket, and bigger in the left, I show him the 400 baht I have on me and quickly say my friend has nothing on him; we weren't expecting to spend a lot of money.

He is relentless however and keeps following us. Still being in the non-offending mood I tell him we're going back to our hotel to get some more money. The guy's still behind, would probably even accompany us to the hotel door and back to get his sale / commission so we thank him again but "we'll eat something first thank you". Finally he gives up. Jesus! Oh, btw, of course the boats were operating and we paid 14 baht a piece to get where we wanted.

A few days later I see the same man working his charms on some fresh arrivals. By this time I've turned into a pretty big a****** about these cons so I just walk up to the British tourists tell them "you shouldn't trust this guy" and walk away, leaving him in a pretty awkward situation. a******!

There have been some other attempts at our money after this, but by now it was pretty easy to pick them out and firmly - with a smile - decline their offer. Once an off-duty policeman started talking to us, even showing his badge, offering some sights to see. Yeah, right; and considering you can get every kind of fake ID at Khao San Road... another day a man enjoying his lunch started up a conversation about yet another khlong tour. He's working at the US embassy he says, and points in almost the opposite direction. You'll have to do better than that buddy! Men in front of popular temples try to sell / rent you long pants which you can get for free inside, that kind of stuff.

Bargaining at markets has at least some honesty to it. You know you'll pay way too much for anything you buy as whatever price you agree on, the seller will still make a profit, but at least it's fun. As you approach he/she already makes an assessment about how much you are willing to pay. White, male, female, girlfriend, whatever, a fixed price is set below which the sale is refused. Michel could by some shirt for 150 baht if he tries his best, I can't get it below 200 baht no matter how hard I try. Of course it's better to go outside the touristy areas. It was this way I bought a shirt for 160 baht which a mere kilometre down the road wouldn't go for less than double that.

I even learned a how to handle the tuk-tuk drivers. Having known the approximate prices of a normal taxi I flagged down a tuk-tuk and just said "30 baht to X". The guy is probably flabbergasted as the custom is to say the destination upon which he says a starting price and you start to bargain. He tries a wimpy 70 baht, but I just keep the thirty. Telling him we can take the taxi half-way around the city for seventy I hold steadfast and he gives a final try of forty baht. Nop, it's thirty and not seeming desperate for his ride, or any other ride for the matter, he grudingly agrees. Ha! Victory! In the end we paid him forty, who cares about 25ct, but still, it's a principle. Although I wouldn't have been so successful if it weren't for the demonstrations a few months ago. These people missed a lot of income and where a year ago he would've laughed at you and just drive away for anything under a hundred, he needs everything he can get. Not that you can see anything from the upheavals, all signs are gone by now.

All in all, I pretty much detest this city. You cannot blame the weather, but the constantly annoying salesmen and having to be on guard for cons really doesn't do one too much good. You can smile as much as you want, it won't help. Will these people ever learn?

Disregarding all I said above, Bangkok does have its charms. The city is full of wats, Buddhist temples and they're really gorgeous. Many of them are new, or newish and are getting upgraded, extended. The golden stupas glitter in the sun, the mosaic set stones offer marvellous views. If I wouldn't know better I'd say it was all kitsch. There are a few temples that are a must-see in the city. The Emerald Buddha housed on the grounds of the Grand Palace is simply marvellous. Well, not the icon itself because it's kinda small, and not even made of emerald, but the whole complex is astounding. Small stupas rising into the sky, guardian demons at every entrance. As the sun appears from behind the clouds, it's too blinding to look at. Amazing. On entering we are just in time for a free English-speaking tour. We excuse ourselves pretty quickly though cause the guide's English is horrible. Curiously, the true highlight was the discovery of a free water fountain where we could clench our thirst. It is sooo terribly hot...

Wat Pho should also not be missed out. Another giant complex it houses the Wat Pho Massage Academy. And a Buddha. I don't know which one I liked more. The Buddha is enormous, 46m in length and 16m in height, lying down, resting on its arms and smiling benevolently. I loved his feet, which are decorated with mother of pearl. But the massage school... he he. Obviously in Thailand one must try the Thai massage. A few days before we already took one at the tourist centre, which didn't really feel that special. But here... holy mother. I did tell my masseur to not be gentle, and I should've known. All I could do was laugh in misery at the stinging pain I let myself into. My Thai is non-existent but I know the therapist was smiling back at me and saying something like "you wanted this, so now you have it" in Thai. b****** :) But it was great. My muscles hurt for days afterwards, definitely worth it. The oil-massage is also a definite must. Feels soo nice after a torture, heavenly...

Icing on the cake is the Bangkok Oriental. It is consistently rated as one of the best hotels in the world with rooms starting from $450. We had to visit, if only for a tea. As you enter, doors are opened for you, a live band plays in the huge, luxuriously decorated lobby and smiling attendants invite you to follow them to whatever you want to do. We go down to the waterfront past a beautiful restaurant, pools, a footbath and are served by at least 4 waiters as we order a single drink. Seeing the prices we nearly faint... so cheap. Only 300 baht - about 7 Euros - for a meal; well, we can be the filthy rich here as well! Just slightly underdressed in khaki shorts, shirts and a laundry bag. He he.

I take a napkin with me as a souvenir!