OMG! LOL! LMAO! Etc. Well, not quite. I think we can safely say I am not a natural surfer. After a comfortingly long classroom session, I was left with one smiley Japanese girl, three degrees of scowling Russians, two mute Germans and a 10 year old of unspecified nationality, but ostensibly sponsored by McDonalds, into the glittering waves. Off to one side, locals on dinky little, cool-looking boards darted about, motivating us with raw envy, as we tumbled off ...

A 5-piece Thai band covering the Pogues, Elvis, and Bob Marley in an Irish bar in Indonesia. It's precisely as crap and as loopy and wacky as it sounds. Can it be bettered? Yes it can. How? It's Charity Quiz night too. You could not script it. And now they strike up with BoyZone.

Wow, this photo doesn't do it justice. We were warned that every taxi driver in Bali would try and bring us somewhere else, and weren't disappointed. "It's closed for religious reasons." "It's not Menega you want, but Montega." "I don't know where the one you want is, but...." All of these tried by the same driver, who claimed to know no English! And you get there. And then you see why. The front to the street is unimpressive and indistinguishable from its ne...

Urgh. The bounce in Bangkok. Body thinks it is midnight. Clock says it is 6am. Need brain to work so I don't screw up my connection. That said, Subarnabhumi Airport warrants its own mention, as it has to be a contender for Asia's nicest airport. From nice water fountains and free wifi (Heathrow, please take note), through fabulous reclining leather seats, to palatial architecture, this has to represent the top end of what can actually be done with an airp...

Another flight, and the ritual stiff-the-tourist cab ride later, and I'm in my home for the next fortnight. It's a 5-star gin palace, whose very name causes my cab driver to suck sir through his teeth and push a secret button marked 'mother load' which simultaneously accelerates his meter and sends a complimentary bottle of champagne to his bank manager. But I can check out the hotel later. Now I want to lock down my surf lessons. And there are literally doze...