There are certain phrases that are guaranteed to cause a certain reaction when they are said or spoken. There are all the classics, such as "I love you", "I hate you", "I've just reversed over your dog" and so on. I may have discovered a new one... The day in Singapore went smoothly, I used the public transport to get around - easy to use, but it took longer than I had anticipated. Also, when in a new city you simply HAVE to get lost and then try to find your way to somewhere familiar. After I had done all that, I was later getting to Jurong Bird Park than planned, and I spent a good couple of hours there (and nearly got decapitated by a vulture) By the time the afternoon was wearing on, though, it was time to return to the hotel to pick up my big bag and get to the airport. The first potential problem was that, according to the information boards, my flight didn't exist. Thankfully it had just been merged with a later Quantas flight to Cairns (via Darwin), so I had an extra hour to kill (in the departure lounge bar, naturally) before flying out of Singapore. The flight proved to be another ordeal. Despite the lack of legroom and generally cramped conditions I had managed to get to sleep, just in time for the captain to announce we were about to arrive in Darwin and all passengers had to get off. This meant joining a large queue at 3am to have everyone's bags scanned, sitting in a room with a duty-free shop (selling the usual overpriced tack) for an hour, then re-boarding the same plane. I had just managed to get some more sleep when the steward woke me up by attempting to remove my kneecap with his trolley, then offering me breakfast. My first impression of Cairns was that all the staff were the usual easygoing, friendly, laid-back Australian types that we know and love. Indeed, they were very chatty and courteous. My passport obviously caused them some consternation, though - after I'd had it stamped, a (friendly, chatty) customs person directed me to another queue for my bags to be scanned. As he explained, it was because I had just come from South-East Asia, and that's where a lot of drugs come from. Even though I had just flown from Singapore, where smuggling drugs gets you the death penalty. Still, no sense in causing a fuss, just get the bags scanned and continue with your journey. My small and large backpacks were x-rayed, and then opened. The customs guy had a quick look through, but obviously wasn't expecting to find anything. He took a few swabs, using long plastic sticks with white pads on the end. These were then passed to another customs gent with a ZZ Top-style beard down to his waist. He took them through to a nearby room, where I quickly worked out that the pads were analysed. I worked this out quite quickly, because the next phrase I heard was my new addition to the list I mentioned at the top. "Whatever you just did, it tested positive for heroin." The customs people looked as confused as me, I guess they didn't have me down as a class-A drug smuggler. They went through everything, unrolling all the clothes and opening all the bottles of shampoo and so on. Still very friendly and chatty all through this, obviously wanting to see my reactions. I had already told them in passing that I was a pharmacist (when they pulled my old BNF out of the bag, I felt I should probably explain it). So when I was asked if there was anything that could have set off the detector, all I could think of was that there could have been traces of methadone on my clothes (although that's pretty unlikely). They seemed satisfied with this possibility, though, and I got the all-clear once they'd vigorously swabbed my credit cards and got a negative result. I didn't panic at all through this, although in my jet-lagged and sleep-deprived state, I was starting to wonder if I actually DID have any hard drugs, and had forgotten. The problem is that I don't know how sensitive and how specific these tests are. Will it just pick up heroin, or will it explode if you have a packet of Nurofen Plus? I've not been arrested yet, so we may never know... I was just booked for the first night here in the Bohemia Resort in Cairns, which is a backpacker place with a bar, swimming pool and palm trees. I spent most of the morning wandering around Cairns in a daze, waiting for the room to be ready, then spent the afternoon catching up on some sleep. This week is taking shape now - I'm catching a bus to Port Douglas in about 45 minutes, and I'm booked into a hostel there for a couple of nights. When I get there I'll organise a trip to the Great Barrier Reef, and quite possibly some white water rafting as well. Then it's back to Cairns for Friday morning, when I catch the Oz Experience coach south... Before I go, I forgot to mention last time that I had seen the best movie poster in the world, EVER, on a Bangkok bus shelter. The picture has to be seen to be believed, but the lettering above the Thai title said "Vampire Cop, Ricky". Please visit the website at www.vampirecop.com, it's the first image that comes up. Anyone who can answer the question "what's wrong with this picture" and keep it to less than six sides of A4 wins a free Vampire Cop DVD.