Lessons i have learned in Melbourne:

The moustache is making a comeback. Approximately 82.3% of men between the ages of twenty and thirty are sporting a hairy growth on their top lip. Many have opted for the full handlebar.

It's extortionately expensive. London prices, with a bit more added on for good measure.

Rachel and i are always going to find something to argue about. Michael Jackson was the cause of our first Australian bust-up. It appears i'm less of a fan than her.

An Aussie duvet is known as a 'doona'.

I might need a new rucksack soon. I'm fraying and tearing at the seams. My bag is in similar disrepair.

People are terribly friendly. The British cynic in me wonders what they want. I feel guilty about this.

The suburb of St Kilda houses the finest cake displays i've ever seen. I almost gave in to the urge, but as an avowedly 'savoury' man i decided to abstain.

The weather is unpredictable. Four seasons in one day as Crowded House once sang.

Women here are decidedly more beautiful than most other cities i've visited. Rachel has assured me that the same rule cannot be applied to the menfolk (i think it's the facial hair).

The live music scene is magnificent. The shops and bars play pretty cool tunes too. I'm a fan.

Walls in hostels are better when they reach all the way yo the ceiling. Similarly, hostel dorms without power points ought to be a relic from the past.

There's a brilliant tram service which people seem reluctant to pay for. Which means free transport for us. When in Rome...

I miss my garden. Although the Royal Botanical Gardens are highly impressive (unfortunately an unexpected avalanche of precipitation cut our visit short).

I need to lose weight. This needs no explanation.