Things in Australia are slightly strange. Drinks that would come in 330ml bottles/cans in the UK are sold in 375ml bottles. Chocolate bars are extortionately expensive - often more than two dollars each - even if the exchange rate were better they'd be more than a pound each. But these are small fry compared to the two major differences between Sydney and back home...

Firstly, you are not allowed to get drunk in bars and pubs. Should you display any sign of being 'intoxed' the doormen will not let you onto the premises. Should you become inebriated whilst inside a hostelry you will be asked to leave. Given the Australian reputation for beered-up booziness i find this very difficult to understand - especially as this seems not to apply elsewhere Down Under.

I have fallen foul of this rule myself in the most frustrating fashion. I am constantly and consistently refused entry into places, regardless of whether i am sober or not. Nobody seems quite sure why i get singled out so often, but even when i am the oldest/most sensible/clearly sober member of a group i am accused of being too drunk to enter. Popular theory has suggested that my constantly red-rimmed eyes are the cause of my victimisation, but unfortunately that's just what i look like and there's really very little i can do about it. It has also been suggested that my dimunitive stature, shaven head, or my man-bag are the root of my probem. Who knows? Whatever the cause, the solution is obvious - i am no longer going to attempt to enter Sydney's drinking dens. It ruins my night, spoils other people's fun and causes me to lose my temper.

Speaking of my stretched/frayed temper, the second of my gripes about Sydney (and Melbourne, too) is the way that people cross the road. Folks only cross at designated points - usually at a cross roads. Here, they wait until all the stars in the southern skies are aligned, at which point a swishing noise can be heard, a rapid fire burst of machine gun noise erupts, the red man becomes green and everyone politely files across the road. This might seem like an extremely sensible way of avoiding bumper-to-kneecap collisions, but it's so intensely frustrating that i actually want to push people under the wheels of cars myself. It takes so long for the appropriate conditions for road-crossing to become reality that i've almost fallen asleep at the kerb-side. My limited patience is stretched to breaking point because EVEN WHEN THERE ARE CLEARLY NO CARS COMING PEOPLE STILL WAIT! AND WAIT! AND WAIT! I want to grab them by the hand and drag them across the road screaming, '"Sod the green man, there are no chuffing cars! Haven't you got somewhere you need to be!?"

Those gripes aside (and those of you who know me know that i'm practically hyperventilating with rage as i type this), Sydney has been really rather marvellous. We're currently staying at a hostel in Kings Cross with a spiffing bunch of guys and girls (facilitated by our sister from another mister, Tina from Kuala Lumpur) and will be doing so until the weekend when we head up the coast to Dee Why to house-sit for Sam. With hostel prices rocketing for Xmas it's a god-send to be able to bed down rent-free, and the money we save should be enable us to hit the New Year celebrations hard. Bondi Beach looks likely to be a cliche fulfilled on Xmas Day, with New Year's Day being enjoyed alongside 2manyDJs, Krafty Kuts and Major Lazer at Field Day.

Plans need to be made for January with a trip up the east coast our mission, with Byron Bay, Fraser Island and the Whitsundays all on the list. I expect there will be no more dispatches from Down Under until after Xmas. Enjoy the festive period - as much as i love it here i wish i was back with you all for mulled wine, a family Xmas and the usual Boxing Day Bonanza.

Peace and goodwill to all men.