The Camper Van Adventures..

Chapter 1.. The Lonely Planet Lies

To quote the Lonely Planet "the opportunities for camping in national parks and more comfortable camping in private camping grounds is abundant, and you'll be hard pressed not to find either on a nightly basis"..well, we proved them wrong !!

It was a strange 24 hours for us, from our last night in Sydney to our first night in our camper van (or what was meant to be our first night in the van anyway!).. Here's 20 short tales of a funny/stressful and emotional 24 hours...

1. It all started with dinner on the Tuesday night- the day before we were due to pick up the camper van. We were both pretty tired so decided to just go out for a quiet dinner and have an early night. After 40 minutes of walking around in a circle- this did not bode well in preparation for tomorrow's road trip- we couldn't find a single restaurant open in the whole of bloody Sydney! What we did find was a crowd of people gathered outside the police station. On closer inspection we found they were all looking at a rather large and rather unattractive naked lady sitting on full show in the glass fronted police station reception totally oblivious to the gaggle of people who were having a good laugh at her expense!

2. After 40 minutes of getting nowhere we ended up a few blocks from where we'd started back at the hostel (we weren't to know it yet but this wasn't the only time we'd travel a large distance only to end up right back where we'd started!) at a Chinese restaurant. A very strange Chinese restaurant where you had to walk through the kitchen to get to the toilet and as we were half way through our meal they closed the door, turned off the lights and began mopping the floor around us! There was our cue to leave!

3. We got back to the hostel to find no one else was in. At this point we were sharing with Matt from Farnham and Sam the Aussie still plus a French Canadian couple who'd moved in that morning. We got into bed and I was just going to sleep when Lodge starts panicking that something was in her bed as she could hear noises. So on goes the lights and she's dragging me out of bed to search for this 'thing' she's convinced she can hear. I can barely see the bed without my eyes in let alone anything else so after she's been reassured its back to bed. Five minutes later she has me up again and this time she's serious and I have to find my glasses and look for said creature, which I'm still quite convinced only exists in Lodge's head! Next thing we know there on her pillow is a big old cockroach! Thankfully just as we were trying (and failing) to kill the b******s in comes Matt, who we thrust a flip flop at and instruct him to kill. Sharing with boys may mean stinky and messy rooms but they come in handy for pest control!

4. We spent the next hour or so too wary of the insect intruders to sleep so instead we had the most random and very comical chat with Matt about important world issues such as "do you call it eggy bread or french toast?" "Do you know what a cheesybob is?" And we also found out about Matt's phobia of fruit! I thought my wet tissue issues were bizarre, but he can't touch, eat or even look at fruit! Lodge could sympathise with him a little- she is scared of potatoes!

5.Our bizarre conversations only became even more outrageous when Sam (the Aussie) came home and we began to sing show tunes. You see Sam, who was on the top of my bunk and snored like a fog horn, is an actor and currently in a new musical. It transpired that the musical is about a date rape drug but he assured us it's an uplifting show! Anyway, we got him to sing for us and we were all having a lovely time until our new French Canadian roomies arrived home...

6. So far the two French people we've met have been very strange and both have- uninvited and unwelcome- tried to kiss Lodge. These Frenchies didn't do that thankfully, instead they both drunkenly and hiccuping like made, climbed into one top bunk and began having sex- lovely! Right in Lodge's eye line. The four of us were all pretty shocked and not entirely sure what to say or do- continuing to sing show tunes didn't seem wholly appropriate!!

7. Anyways, a while later the guy climbs out of the bunk and leaves the room- totally stark b****** naked! And he didn't return until 8am..god knows where he went as he didn't take a key and you can't get in any rooms without a key card. So now, with all types of c*** on the loose, no one got much sleep- perhaps we can use this as an excuse for our lack of direction the next day.

8.We arrived to pick up our van and were so excited to see our new little home for the next five weeks. It had everything including a kitchen sink and a cute little table and chairs which turns into our cosy bed! Everything was perfect bar the mugs which didn't meet our hygiene standards so we brought some new ones, but apart from the we had a very nice little place and we're very excited to begin the adventure!

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9. Most importantly our new home needed a name and so we named her Dolly. Not for any reason in particular but we think it suits her and she likes it! Now when she's struggling up hiss we can give her encouragement.."COME ON DOLLY, YOU CAN DO IT !!"

10. Upon being left alone with our new best friend Dolly, we set off to start our 2500km journey to Cairns. The plan was to get some food, drive to Bondi Beach, spend the day there and then start driving to the Blue Mountains, which are inland just west of Sydney and camp there for the night so we could visit the mountains in the morning. Naturally we drove out of the car hire place in totally the wrong direction, not realising until we'd driven about 20km in completely the opposite direction to Bondi.. Doh!

11. We found a shop though, a Woolworth's- they still exist here but are supermarkets- so we stopped there to stock up on supplies. Turning straight into the multi-storey car park without thinking, we got half way up the ramp, saw the 'max headroom' sign and had no idea if we'd fit..it looked like it would be a close call..thankfully for my credit card which I'd just handed over as a guarantee we wouldn't kill or seriously harm Dolly, we made it! (I'm pretty sure sucking while inside the van did help!)

12. After stocking up we managed to decipher our very rubbish map and made it to Bondi where we amused all the people in the car park as we sat in the back of the van making sandwiches on the kitchen side..we looked like we'd opened our own little cafe with serving hatch. Luckily no one tried to order anything from us..they could obviously tell Lauren 'I am always hungry' Simpson would not be happy about sharing her food!

13. After a few hours at the very lovely Bondi Beach we set out to make camp near the Blue Mountains. The journey was meant to take about an hour and a half...'Meant' being the operative word here mind you as we arrived 4 hours later only to find the site was shut..

14. Having driven a fair few miles off the main road into the middle of bloody nowhere and by this time it was now very dark and very raining, we were very relieved to see a sign for the camp site. Not so delightful was finding, when we eventually got to the end of the dead end road, the place was in pitch blackness and not a single sign of life.. Super! Our love for Dolly, driving, road maps and camping was quickly wearing thin !

15. We'd seen a sign for another campsite about half an hour back down the road so we headed for that.. It was shut. Tired, hungry, irritable and wanting to cry we actually asked if we could sleep at a petrol station for the night!.. They weren't too keen but suggested trying one of the many motels in the area. Although reluctant to spend what should have been our first night camping in a hotel, we were at a total loss of any other type of plan so gave in and went in search of a bed.

16. But first we needed food. Without food we get crabby, which coupled with being lost, tired and clueless led to our first argument- not bad in 8 weeks.. And it only lasted about 20 seconds before we had a cry, made up, told ourselves that this would be funny in hindsight and had a golden Gaytime. Our Gaytime was amazing and cheered us up no end!
(Oh, by the way Golden Gaytime is an ice cream.. A very yummy but unfortunately named ice cream.. Don't worry, we haven't become that close!!)

17. So off to Hotel number 1 which only had an executive suite and cost $175 for the night... No thanks!

18. At hotel number 2 we probably wouldn't have survived the night. Lodge stayed in the van while I went in to ask if they had any rooms.. They did, and not that expensive, but as I walked back to tell Lodge I was instructed to "get in the car and lock the door" as there was a half naked thug looking man coming down the stairs wielding a wrench. We briskly drove off just as he was banging on a downstairs room!

19. Hotel number 3- another one that looked all too much like a set from a horror film- but we stayed there. Luckily no one was walking around with any type of weapon and we made it into our room with a quick run ( well, as quick as is humanly possibly when your backpack weighs almost as much as you do) and closed the door, locked it, and just for good measure put a chair in front of it! Over a cup of tea and armed with our new map we planned the next days route to within an inch of its life!

20. Maybe it was ice cream for dinner or the days drama caught up with me, I don't know, but I ended up up all night with a banging headache and being sick! And on the last night I would be sleeping in a bed in an air conditioned room and not a van for five weeks!!

So, to sum up.. Our first day in the camper van, we got very lost and ended up staying in a hotel, about 30km from where we'd started- despite having driven 250km.. This could be a very long five weeks.