I Have Never Not Stolen Malibu

We arrived in Alexandropolis at four in the afternoon, after having been on the train for 16 hours. We had tried to sleep in the restaurant car, but then got moved on. Then we found an empty carriage and slept in that. Ten minutes later, we were shouted at until we left there too. We had to go to the other end of the train. At eight in the morning, we finally got some sleep.

A couple of hours later, we hit upon a rather splendid idea. We worked out that today was our nine week travelling anniversary. What better time to have a right royal piss up? The fear that The Swedes would start thinking of us as English Yobs obsessed with getting drunk was not nearly as important as our new found obsession with getting drunk.

We explained that we had heard about these two guys having a party that night in Alexandropolis, and formally invited them. It was on.

We found a hotel that charged €10 each a night, and checked in. They provided us with two rooms of three beds each. This of course meant that one of The Swedes had to share with us. It was decided somehow, that it would be Tess.

"You volunteered did you Tess?" I asked. "What did you have to do to get the honour of sharing with us?"

"I was the last in the room", she said.

We went out for a wonder, looking for "old things", as Sofie and Linette called them. It was rather odd. It didn't seem to matter what these old things were, as long as there as history behind them. My offer of an elderly woman didn't go down too well, though. Obviously can't please all the people all the time.

Meanwhile I was trying to work out, without actually having to ask anyone, whether there was any connection between Alexandropolis and Alexandria. So I asked The Swedes different questions each, casual like, disguising my ignorance. It turned out that Alexandria was in Egypt. Who knew?

Karim and I chatted somewhat about the party that evening. It was pretty much a given that we should get Sambuca - that always went down well. And Ouzo. It was only polite that we drank some of the local brew.

"I'll tell you what", I said, my eyes lighting up, "We should play a few rounds of I Have Never later. Hopefully it'll be like the Sangria night. Getting to know you s***".

"They won't understand it", Karim said.

"Of course they'll understand it! It's not rocket science!"

"All right, but keep it clean".

"Mate, you can't keep it clean. That's the inherent beauty of the game!"

"All I'm saying is, we don't want to offend them. Just see what happens".

"Fair enough".

*

"I have never taken it up the ass!" Sofie reported. Karim and I made a mental note of who drank. Never know when these things are going to come in useful.

The party was in full swing.

There was a kind of bar/lounge area outside our rooms, and we had all sat around a table. The bar was all locked up and closed, but we were more than prepared. The night had started with a good old game of poker, with my bag of one and two cent coins for money.

After a while we tired of such complicated actions, and the I Have Never game came into swing. The beer was gone, so now Karim and I were having to knock back Sambuca every time we were reminded of a past sin.

It was going to get worse. We were soon going to run out of Sambuca, and have no other choice but to move onto the Ouzo.

It's a shame that I can't remember more of the I Have Nevers. I certainly felt a great sense of bonding between the six of us.

At one point in the festivities, somebody noticed that although the cupboards behind the bar were locked, it was possible to open them slightly. Not sure how one would notice such a thing, but it was brought to my attention anyway. I went into action.

By only scraping off most of the skin from my arm, I was able to reach up into the cupboard and 'acquire' a bottle of Malibu. And it was full! I quickly poured a round of horrendously strong Malibu and Oranges, and then slipped the bottle back for later. (Incidentally, it turned out the next day when Linette suggested stealing the rest of the bottle, and me losing the skin from my arm again, that it was somehow empty. No idea how that happened).

At one point, Marie-Louise vanished. At another point, some time later, I noticed this. Nobody was sure where she was, so I wondered into her room. There she was. Packing, for some reason.

"Hello", I said. "You're missing out on the excessive drinking".

"I'm just getting ready for tomorrow", she said. "I'm going to feel like s*** in the morning, and I want to get this out of the way now".

"You're going to miss out on all the drunken sex!" I said. "So far, Karim's haggling with Sofie. Apparently, if me and him kiss, then she'll kiss Linette. I'm not sure it's a fair trade to be honest, which is why I came to hide in here".

"But I can't get involved in the drunken sex", she said with a smile. "Because I have a boyfriend".

"That doesn't really matter", I said. "I mean, obviously it does. But what I mean is, the only important thing is whether or not you love him".

"I do love him".

"Don't be quick to judge. You have to say it three times or it doesn't count".

"Oh".

"Exactly".

"Why three times?"

"Everything's three times. Three times the charm. As the .... er.... Irish say".

"Do they?"

"Probably"

"I love him. I love him. I really do love him".

I smiled. "I'll never bring it up again. Let's go and get pissed".

We rejoined the party. Karim had managed to agree on one kiss between me and him in exchange for one kiss from the girls plus one act of general depravity. The fine print was being worked out now. I had a strange sinking feeling.

About half an hour later, after a few more Ouzos, I had a general feeling that fresh air would be a good thing. I found a break in the conversation when Karim said something about tonguing, and said "Sod you then, I'm off to bed". And then I went.

I was sat on the balcony having a fag when Marie-Louise came out.

"I got you earlier', she said, sitting down. "Now you get me. I brought you your drink".

We talked. Boyfriends, love, the nature of Life, The Universe, And Everything. We were both drunk after all. After about an hour she disappeared to go to the toilet and I wondered back out. Karim was listening to music with Tess. The Blondes were nowhere to be seen. I went back out to the table, which had - somehow - been tidied up.

There was loud Swedish conversation coming from the direction of the toilet. I debated going back to the balcony, but the sofa was a lot closer so I kind of collapsed onto that. Then I lay there for a while, too tired to move and too pissed to sleep.

Marie-Louise appeared maybe ten minutes later.

"You were keeping me awake with all your chatter", I smiled. In fact, listening to Swedish conversation is quite relaxing. It's a nice language, and I found myself daydreaming about what they were talking about. Most likely things like flowers, waterfalls and kittens.

"We were talking about sexually transmitted diseases", she reported. "Come on".

"Where are we going?"

"Back to the balcony", she said. "We were talking. But... we're not going to make out".

I laughed. The expression amused me. I thought about the English alternatives (a opposed to the American), and realised these were all worse. "What makes you think I want to make out?"

"It's just what boys and girls do when they're drunk".

"It is? I wish someone would have told the girls I used to drink with".

"But I have a boyfriend".

"Oh yeah, I'd almost forgotten".

We went back out onto the balcony. We talked some more. Life, the universe, love, life, the universe, love, life... and so on and so forth. It was great. It was just one of those conversations when everything is really easy. It doesn't matter that you're talking about personal stuff, or embarrassing stuff, because you just talk. In all fairness, maybe the lethal Ouzo cocktail I had drunk had contributed to this, but I like to think that wasn't all.

The night was drawing to a close.

"Look", she said. "I just want you to know.."

"Don't say it", I said.

"Say what?"

"All right, say it".

"I just want you to know, if I didn't have a boyfriend, I'd be wanting to make out with you right now".

"Had to say it".

But I was smiling.