I wish I loved watching football (soccer). I wish I could even pretend to enjoy it. It's Saturday night here in southern Holland and the place is a sea of orange mayhem as the Netherlands prepares to play Costa Rica in the World Cup quarter finals. Deb and I just walked through the central market and I can't imagine there is a single resident of this town not wearing an orange shirt at one of the great little bars that spill out onto the lovely sidewalks and streets. I'd love to have a beer in my hand taking it all in, but alas we have kids back in the apartment that must be tended to. So that's where we are now. It's 10 minutes into the match, and I am numb with boredom.
I like watching my kids play the occasional game. I like watching soccer highlights. They're awesome. But a full game on TV? No thanks. I'll take "swallowing a bag of finishing nails" instead Alex. I never played soccer as a kid and still really don't know the rules. I'm sure that's why I don't get it. But I never played real football either, and even before I knew the rules to that sport, it was damn fun to watch. To prevent myself from falling into a deep coma, I've thought up some possible rule changes to make the game a little more exciting to those of us with shorter attention spans than, well, everyone else on earth apparently.
1. Make biting a legitimate part of the game. I think there would be less of this knocking the ball back and forth with ones head if there was a real threat of having a piece taken out of you every time your feet left the ground with an opponent.
2. Why is the goal keeper the only player that can touch the ball with his hands? I say change it around. Make it so that he is the only one NOT allowed to use his hands. And in place of those big gloves, make him wear snorkeling flippers.
3. Introduce video replay for fake injuries or falls to the ground. Jesus, these guys are like toddlers learning to walk on the Frame Lake Trail. You know, the rocky part from the hospital to the Leg? If the video replay judge deems there was even an ounce of theatrics, the offender has to line up in front of the opposing team who all get to rip shots at him from 10 feet. And no crossing the hands in front of the crotch either. Legs spread, hands in the air. That will give real meaning to the phrase "bend it like Beckham."
4. If there is no score after five minutes of regular play, go straight to the shoot out. Come on, that's the best part right? Best out of 50. That should take an hour or so and give the fans, who are only there to drink, fight and scream at the teams for not doing anything, just as much time to mess themselves up.
5. Here's a real one. Once the ball passes the half way line, you can't bring it back over to your own side. These guys are going backwards most of the time! Go forward! No wonder goals are as rare as fans wearing Canadian shirts. And, if you pass the ball all the way back to your goal keeper, you get your leg sawed off. Or chewed off! Even better.
6. Add checking. Not because I think it would, by itself, make the game more exciting. But it might lead to the introduction of boards. Why are there no boards, like in indoor soccer? Doesn't FIFA see how much time is wasted every time that ball dribbles across the sideline? Of course not, they're too busy negotiating the site of the 2026 Games. With Russia and Qatar already queued up, I wonder who's next. The bribes are still being counted, but my money is on Syria or Zimbabwe! If Canada wants a chance, we might need to resurrect some of those guys who ran the federal government sponsorship program a few years back. But I ramble. Hey look! Three hours into the game and the score is . . . ZERO! Good night all. I'll watch the highlights tomorrow morning, if it's over by then!