A long overdue written entry. Two whole days without one. Well I guess it's good in a way because that means I've been out doing stuff right? I guess I'll take that.

Nice to see a comment on one of my vlogs. First time I've actually had a comment in general so that was a pleasant surprise so thankyou. It was tough to post that video because despite what I'm posting on this blog I'm not one to share my emotions like that so openly and in public. So I definitely thought long and hard about posting that so it was tough. And I'm not going to deny that anything is better. In fact I could almost say things are worse. To wait around and wait and wait for something that only several months ago you didn't have to wait for and knowing why you have to wait and what that actually means is so painful and hurtful and actually a form of torture. I know deep down that I can't do what I want to do because that will make the situation worse and all I have to do is wait. But there are so many extra elements to it as well. Being here is harder than I thought. I want meant to be here for another few weeks and it was meant to be under different circumstances and it kills me to know why I can't be there. And I'm not going to deny that tonight I had some pretty dark thoughts as I was walking back to my friends house. I honestly at one point just wanted to step out in traffic. And I wouldn't have cared. But somehow I found myself back here and just laying here now, crying again and just absolutely at rock bottom. It's hard. So hard. And I can't do anything to fix it. I'm for the most part to blame for why I am here. Why the trip here isn't happening in 3 weeks. And everything else in between. And that too is a part that just really is hard to stomach.

Anyway. Depressing part over.

Honestly outside of my video posts I guess there isn't a huge amount to report on. Friday was sleep in followed by watching Twister and then vegging on the couch before Jayden and his housemate Chloe dragged me out which I guess at the end of the day I appreciated but really wasn't in the mood. Had way too much to drink and guess ended up in some strange places and didn't get home till 7am so yeah. It's just not my scene anymore. I haven't done that in years and for sure it was an interesting throw back but just not me anymore.

Today simply was spent sleeping then really feeling like crap before somehow managing to drag myself to the footy even though I just wasn't in the mood for it. I got lost trying to find the train replacement bus before eventually getting it and meeting up with Cable before the game and once again jinxing Carlton as they didn't win with me at a game yet again. And after not eating all day I managed to eat a bit of kfc before the game and Maccas afterwards. Totally healthy I know. But hey why not.

So now on the couch as I said. Been watching the election and now watching Wimbledon. Gonna get up at 5am to watch the soccer and see if I can manage to get some sleep now which probably won't happen but hey why not try?

Guess the positive here is that I'll make it through another day alive...