We didn't get to see the Big Lagoon on our previous boat trip as the Miss Universe contingent was being shown around it (both random and disappointing as I didn't see a single tiara). Miraculously, Chelsea later informed me that it's on her bucket list to see it and she's always wanted to go there... this of course meant that we had to go on an identical boat tour again just to see it for forty five minutes. That bloody girl.

For most of the trip it was demanded that I take photos of her from various angles and with different lightings and backgrounds. At several points I was told to climb razor sharp hillocks so that Chelsea could get her optimal photo in a kayak whilst no one else was in shot.

Bloodied and bruised I managed to find my way back to the boat. Where we later moored up under a small overhang of rock and had our food under there as a fine drizzle started to thicken the air around us. The food was nowhere near as good as the last tour and I ate very little of the cold prawns and gloopy rice that was on offer.

When the harrowing tour was over and we staggered back to shore through the cold water, that apparently now had jellyfish in that we should be aware of, I had a challenge set before me. I had left my shades in our scooter from our journey to Nacpan Beach and the young woman there had foolishly let me know that her boss had taken them! She later tried to tell me that a Chinese couple had rented the scooter after me and they had them. Incensed by lies and petty theft I dug my heels in and refused to give up on the £2 I had spent on them! Heroic, gallant, purveyor of virtues of that I am; I trudged back there in my rented wetsuit ankle boots and after a titanic battle of wills received my shades! Putting them on and sliding them half way down my nose, I looked over the boss and his assistant in a lordly fashion and (wanting to say something profound) said, 'They look better on me anyway.'

Later on, my day sunk down into controversy again as we went to the barbecue restaurant on the beach front, looking to treat ourselves to a farewell El Nido meal. I tentatively opted for a dish of pork sisilog and rice. Sisilog is Filipino for sizzling and the description of mouthwatering belly pork, diced and crispy sounded heavenly. When it can however, it was literally just skin (with fine hair protruding from it) and fat, literally no meat at all. Attempting to eat made my cheeks balloon with inedible substance and when I called the waitress over she said that there wasn't supposed to be any meat in it. Was she having a giraffe? I went up the chain of command and eventually we got a full refund as Chelsea's burger was equally inedible.

With victories over those that would sought to hoodwink us we enjoyed a celebratory crepe before going back to our oven of a bed.