Saturday 8th December-
0830 we board the bus to Hanoi, China has been a great experience but we are so looking forward to Vietnam. We get to the border and are scooted off in a wee buggy to the border crossing building. It is mayhem inside and they have no control over anyone. So we chucked our passports thru the wee windae and hoped for the best. Holding our passports up he had to take a few looks at the photo before handing them back. It must have been hard for him to recognise us from the pictures seein as we were the only white chicks there! So we get them stamped and move on to
the next wee windae and there is a lady there saying we need to have a health check. A health check? Are you takin the piss i aint havin no health check but she demanded we pay for it.
2yuan each which is pennies but we are smart and came all the way to the border crossing with zippo cash in our pooches so we said we could only pay for one and that was all we had. She pondered for a while then accepted it and let us thru. We nipped swiftly past the health check room (scared they might think Susan has bird flu) and back onboard the bus. We stopped at a small cafe for a pee and smoke and just looked at the beautiful scenery all the way into Hanoi. It is amazing how the scenery can change so much so quickly. we arrived in Hanoi at 4pm and were taken
to a nice Hotel, we met a nice Chinese girl and shared a room with her. The traffic here is mental and there is a constant flow of thousands of mopeds and motorbikes. And if you are not on a motorbike then you are constantly asked 'hey lady you need motobaaaaiiii?' For a start mate we are not ladies and secondly we aint never heard of a mode of transport like that so we aint gettin on!! We took a walk around after havin a shower and tried to dodge all the bikes, we had a look thru the market then had dinner and went back to bed.

Sunday 9th December-
Internet most of the morning then walked around the lake and went to the Water Puppet Show. We were told by a few people (Nelly) that it was a must see. Well unless we went to the wrong show which i doubt very much it was a pile of dung. Couldnae wait to get out the place. Lucky it only cost a quid. On the way back i almost lost the Bald under the wheels of a speeding moped but lucky for me she had her wits about her and shifted ass before the bike took her out. Came back to the hotel after this near fatality (shakin in our flip flops) and did some more internet then went to a Thai Quisine restaraunt for grub.

Monday 10th December-
Up at 0600hrs to take bus to Halong Bay (3hr journey)with Annie, Roy and Allan. Got our Junk (boat) and had lunch onboard. We set sail for a cruise around the Islands. We stopped at Cat Ba and went for a walk through some caves. As we disembarked the junk Susan felt really sick and thought she was gonna drop like a flee. Doctor Laney prescribed some rest on a stair and went off to ask the guide if we could get back onboard. The friendly wee a****le said 'no no not poassible boat has gone she must walk thru'. Everyone knows Laney likes a challenge but this is virtually mission impossible. The Bald was in tears and Laney couldn't do a thing. We somehow
managed to get her thru the caves and back onboard our wee boat. Straight on and into bed.
Laney of course had to make up for the Balds absence so sat up top with the other monkeys and had a few beers and looked at all the gorgeous Islands. Next stop was to drop off half of the people onboard who would be staying in a hotel on one of the islands and we went off and anchored in a lovely spot and had dinner. Then some women in small boats came alongside and were selling all sorts of out of date cookies and crisps. We opted for some beers and took them up on deck and chatted to everyone there. It was really nice and wasn't too much drink for us.

Tuesday 11th December-
Got up and went kayaking at 0630hrs we were dreadful at steering the wee thing but managed somehow to navigate our way around one of the islands (we are getting good at takin sightings from the sun since Baldrick screwed the compass) then we went back to Cat Ba island dumped our stuff in the hotel and went for a walk around the national park. Luckily we asked the guy if we would be alright in flippen floppen cause when we got to the national park it was a freekin mountain. It took a few hrs and we had to scale rock face to get to the top. They don't do health and saftey out here, it was really dangerous but Laney and The Bald laugh in the face of danger and powered thru.
After this sweat fest we took motorbikes to the beach with Annie and walked around making lots of pictures. Annie left her flip flops on the beach and when i ran back to get them i was mauled by a bunch of Vietnamese tourists all wanting their picture taken with me. I kindly obliged and after ten minutes of smiling and huggin wee men i broke free and returned Annies flip flops in one piece. Later that night after dinner we went to a small floating cafe. they had to turn the lights on for us as i don't think they get many visitors. Holy shmokin hash pipes!!! behind the counter they had jars with snakes in them, and one with lizards and one with a baby goat all squashed up with liquid too. They drink this s*** and think its good for them. We bought 2 bottles of voddy and tried to explain that this is far better for you, and started a party on the stairs of the hotel. We managed to scrape up a few passers by and had a little dance. Laney tried to gypo a fire extinguisher but realised it might not fit in her bag, so she gave up on that idea and jumped on the end of Annies bed to make a photo of her sleeping as she takes at least a hundred pictures of us in a day. Yes Laney woke her up with the flash. Man you wouldn't know how guilty a wee sleepy chinese face can make you feel. Sorry Annie night night!!

Wednesday 12th December-
Up at 0700hrs for breakfast then back onboard and set sail for the main land. Had lunch in port, long bus ride home. Annie and the boys leave tonight for Hue so we shared a room with a guy called Luke who we had met onboard. Luke was from London and DJ of some pirate radio station which plays all the best of the Balds Cd Collection ''Pumpin Feckin HARDCORE!!!''
We all went out for some dinner but couldn't push anymore alcohol into our bodies so went back to crash in our pits.

Thursday 13th December-
Laney awakens bright and breezy after a night off the bevvy. Waken up her little sleepin room mates and goes for a shower. By the time Luke has rolled into his clothes Laney and the Bald are ready for a day of passing some time till the bus comes. Time for Lukes first beer of the day so we say cheerio and go for a wander to buy toiletries and essentials.
1900hrs and we are ready to get on the bus. Say our goodbyes to Luke and as we get on we realise there are few spaces left. No worries Laney is on the case....'check this oot Bald ive scored us the bunks at the back, bound to be the best eh'. 'Get in Laney' !! As Laney put her lovely long legs in to the tiny hole that is cut out of the bed in front to give her leg room she realise that not only is she too tall but the frickin beds at the back of the bus are on a slant. Yep you guessed it every time the bus braked (which is more times than Ghandi prayed in a day) Laneys legs, toes and tiny feet were crunched into the woodwork and metal bars surrounding the bed. This is gonna be a long one!
Which i was a midget like Caz and the Bald .........................