Hi all

So, the remainder of our time in HCMC was spent drinking and visiting the Cu Chi Tunnels. We had intended to visit a lot more but we never got round to it. So out went the Reunification Palace, the Fine Art Museum and the Museum Of Ho Chi Minh City in favour of bimbling around, getting drunk and relaxing. Beautiful.

I guess I'd better start with the cultural bit which involved a visit to the Cu Chi Tunnels and on the way a visit to a Cao Dai temple.                            
On the way to the temple, we stopped off at a Handicraft workshop for disabled war veterans. We were whisked through the 'tour' of the factory in about 5 minutes flat and were expelled into a gift shop and left to browse for a good half an hour. Now it's not that I don't feel sorry for these people, it's that I'm a tight b******, so we sped through the shop and out the other end faster than you can say 'very cheap price for you' and spent the next 29.5 minutes smoking cigarerttes and waiting for the rest of the group to make their escapes.

Back on the bus and we were away to the Cao Dai Temple. For those of you that don't remember or haven't read about it, Cao Daism is the reluigion that attempts to unite the five biggest religions in the world and break the cycle of re-incarnation by achieving Nirvana. Cool.                             
The temple itself was a sight to behold. Beautiful doesn't quite do it justice. The followers repaint everything every 5 years so it always looks brand new and fresh as a daisy.
We arrived and had a few minutes to look round the outside before going in to witness the midday ceremony. Ceremonies take place every 6 hours, so that's 6am, 12 noon, 6pm and midnight. Every day.
Already I'm seeing problems with my wanting to join up. Not much time for sleeping and I can't see me wanting to leave the pub to go to a midnight service. Ah well, back to the drawing board.
The ceremony was gorgeous to watch and wonderful to hear. The followers all where different coloured robes, some orange, some white, some yellow, some blue and some red. These signify each of the 5 religions and they also make for a wonderful spectacle.
The chanting and music is something I really enjoy (more so since that magical night in Vientiane) and although I wasn't transported to the realms of Nirvana it was a beautiful feeling just being there. But after a while it was time to get back on the bus, head off for some lunch and then on to the Cu Chi tunnels.

The tour of the tunnels started with a wander through the jungle looking at various bits and bobs the VC used in the war and particularly some of the things directly connected to the tunnels themselves.
First up was a genuine tunnel entrance. Its just a covered rectangular hole in the ground about 60cm x 30cm although to be fair I think I might be over estimating it's size. You can see it for yourselves in the photos when they go on.
Mand had a go at getting in (she's in her element in this kind of thing - it's all that army cadet training. She thinks she's GI Jane) and it really didn't look like even she'd be able to fit down it. But the human body is smaller than you might think and she got in and out with nary a problem. I don't think Johnny or Tone woukld be able to slip in and out quite so easily though. Or Stu now he's getting middle aged spread...
Incidentally, I declined on the grounds of erm well...cowardice I suppose.

On with the tour and we saw various traps and none of them looked too pleasant let me tell you. There were bear traps, see saw traps, traps that swung down from trees, traps that were like spiked rollers, all designed for maximum devastation of bodily areas. The reasoning being that it'd take another two men to take you back to medical care whereas if they killed you outright they might just pick you up on the way back.
My own personal favourite was a trap that swung down from above a door. It was obviously used when the enemy were going house to house in villages. As you push the door open it swings down from above. A long piece of wood with a huge spiky wooden plate on the bottom, it looks like it'd smash your knees to bits. But the best bit is that if you put your hand up to stop the bar from hitting you, the plate is hinged. This means that it flips up and hits you clean in the b******s. Razor sharp spikes of bamboo in the nuts its not something I'd like to try, and when he demonstrated it there was a strangled cry from every man in the group. Followed by nervous laughter.

On with the tour and we were treated to recreations of weapons manufacturing depots where the VC would take shrapnel etc and make it into new weapons like mines and bombs, a mock up of an above ground camp and a wrecked tank that Mand immediately leapt on looking for all the world like a freedom fighter in the middle of battle. War cry included. It took me a good 2 embarassed minutes to talk her into coming back down and to please stop scaring the other tourists from climbing up onto the tank. Eventually she agreed to surrender on the condition she could get back on and have another go later.

Once this part of the tour was over we got to the bit that I'd been looking forward to most. The firing range. Oooooohh yeah baby. I want you to meet my leettle fwiend (said in my best Columbian Scarface voice). It was only slightly marred by the guide asking us if we wanted shooting, which just made me plain nervous. Not realy mate, but can we have a go on the guns please.
They had about half a dozen guns to choose from and we settled on the AK47. Mand has since somehow convinced herself that it was an M16 despite the photographic evidence to the contrary, but as she was in the height of battle lust (and in la la land to be totally honest) I think we can excuse this slight muddling of the senses.
We had to use the same gun cos we didn't have that much cash on us and they sell the bullets in magazines. But hey ho I ain't complaining.

So down we went to the range to where they have all the guns mounted by the barrel, loaded up and let loose. Well, they were on semi-automatic so single shots only, but you know wehat I mean.
It was pretty cool. The only thing that slightly spoiled the experience for me was that they were bolted down so the recoil was muted. Oh yeah, that and the fact that I can't shoot for s***.
Now I've never fired a real gun before and have to admit I'm only average at best with an air rifle, but I just assumed that being a man and all, after millions of years of evolution based around my hunter gatherer attributes, that I'd simply be able to pick up the gun and take out a tiger's eye at 200 yards. How woefully incorrect that turned out to be. I'm not sure I even hit the target at all, and I swear the instructor guy was stifling a huge grin. He even took pity on me and have me an extra shot. Probably just to lighten his mood a bit more. It seems that when it comes to hunter gathering, I am well and truly stuck towards the latter.
For her part, Mand was exceptional, hyped as she was on the adrenaline of battle. Her army cadet training came to the fore and she hit the target consistently and at one point I thought she was going to rip the gun off it's mount and go charging off down the range to finish the job at close quarters. Possibly with a big f*** off knife. Either way, once again I was left with the feeling that she's more of a man than I am :o)

Battle lust sated and for me manhood in serious question we were off to see the tunnels themselves.
Now these tunnels are the real deal. The ones we went to in Vinh Moc were pertty cool but they were civilian tunnels. The ones at Cu Chi are fighting tunnels. They're actually a recreation, and have been enlarged to admit the average sized westerner. They're supposed to be 80cm high and 60cm wide and these had been enlarged 1m high and 80cm wide. And I had to go through on hands and knees. Cramped is hardly the word, and they were hot enough to cook bread in. Even with the ventilation shafts.
These are the tunnels you see in films. Making good use of camouflaged entrances, trapdoors and booby traps, there were over 250km of tunnels spread over several levels and some branches came up inside US military bases. US and Southern Vietnamese soldiers eventually refused to go down into the tunnels to fight (you can't really blame them for that though can you), and bombings increased in a vain attempt to blast them out of the ground. Hmmmm nice idea. Kind of.
The area surrounding the tunnels was totally devastated. Just a huge area of scorched earth. They replanted using gum trees (for some reason I'm not sure of - perhaps they grow quicker or something) and the began replanting indigenous trees once they'd taken. Now they're slowly cutting down the gum trees as the indigenous ones take hold. It should only take another 50 years or so and they'll have a baby jungle on the go. Nice work.
The VC lived in these tunnels for weeks and months at a time fighting guerilla style and casualties were immense. Those that survived were given hero status, and rightly so I reckon. Our guide (who was a veteran himself albeit on the Southern Vietnamese side - more on him in a minute) upon telling us of the amount of casulaties the VC suffered and the way they were forced to live under declared 'Would you like to be considered a hero? I wouldn't'. Fair one pal.
All in all, it was a fantastic day and I can only offer one recommendation to the organisers.
Unhook the guns and let visitors take them with them when they go through the tunnels. You could have paper targets swinging out along the way to shoot. Can you imagine how much fun that would be? Ok, slightly bad taste but why not?
The only problem is that you might never get Mand out of there...

Our guide for the day was an absolute nutcase. He didn't shut up the whole day and gave us his theories on life, religion, war, and just about everything else that crossed his mind.
He was an interpreter for the South Vietnamese/US and although he didn't actually fight, part of his duty was to inspect battlefields as soon as the fighting stopped. After the war he was sent to a 're-education' camp for 7 years. God only knows what he's been through.
This led him to get misty eyed on several ocassions when recalling the devastation and loss of life he'd seen and added a sense of poignancy to the situation and the stories he told.
He kept saying how he'd made peace with himself and how he'd taught himself to forget the horrors he'd witnessed (and no doubt been subjected to) and how he felt lucky that he'd been able to do that, and that he felt sorry for people who couldn't forget the past and live on in the present. To this end, by his own admission, he indulged in his own form of smile therapy.
I'm not 100% sure this worked cos his eyes told a completely dfferent story to his mouth and caused him to hold forth on just about every subject you could think of with a kind of happy/sad lilt to his voice.
Some of his words of wisdom:

Every man needs a to be married to be truly happy. The jury is still out on this one.

Old people believe in God more than young people because they're closer to dying (this to explain why you never see young people in church). Logic suggests this is true.

Another reason older people believe in God more is because when they are young they long for money and power. When they have achieved this they realise they are going to die anyway and begin having regrets about what they have sacrificed to achieve it - happiness, family, friends, people they have trampled over. Possibly true. I've achieved neither so far but I am happy with my life (except for the fact that I can't shoot for toffee).

You need to teach yourself to forget the bad times and just be happy that you are still here. Easier said than done I would've thought...but then he's had more bad times than most so I guess he'd be a better judge of that than me.

He kept on with these little pearls of wisdom in a kind of amiable soliloquy throughout the whole day, like an eight hour stream of consciousness. He was brilliant value, but you wouldn't want him as an after dinner speaker.

So that was Saigon pretty much. Other than that there was a fair bit of drinking and eating, a shedload of watching football (the mighty Pompey taking on all comers, with the mighty Kanu leading the charge). The charlton game was sweet poetry after the absolutely dismal pile of old s*** I had to sit through in The Milton End last year and I can only dream that I'll get the chance to exorcise a few more bad feelings when we smash a few other sides this year. Especially those with players who refused to come here over the summer. Ahh revenge is so sweet.
I love being a Pompey fan. Nothing is ever boring. Give it another month or two and we'll be fighting relegation. Hmmmm can't wait for that one.

Chelsea v Liverpool and Man Utd v Arsenal being the other top games that stand out in the memory.
The Chelsea game was a travesty and had me bantering with a Vietnamese girl who wanted Chelsea to win. I was obviously a Liverpool fan as Chelsea were further up the table and could possibly threaten pompey's dominance ahem :o) Incidentally I hate Drogba even more now. Does anyone else think he's starting to look more and more like a badly made voodoo doll? Seriously, if you were that ugly would you compound it with that hairdo?

I was then forced to argue with a Vietnamese bloke about the Man Utd game. I was even more obviously a Gooner for this one as if Manure Knighted won then they'd go top.
No worries there though and I laughed so hard I nearly keeled over right there when the full time whistle went. safe to say Vietnam blokey was non too impressed.
In case you're wondering, there is more football on the television over here than there is in England. Seriously. Three games on a Saturday (including a 3 o'clock kick off), and any Sky games on Sunday. Plus they then show all the other games that weren't shown live and repeat them constantly all week. And then on Saturday it all starts again. Mand obviously loves it.
I have to try and fit in as much as possible now, cos Andy reckons that you can't get any coverage of it at all in Oz.

But that's a good month away yet and next up we are off to the Mekong Delta for a three day trip, ending in Phnomh Penh in Cambodia.

Laters all
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx