Blog o'clock!
After Inca trail time, a day of R&R was in order, unfortunately after such rigorous exercise (something I still believe to be very bad for you!) I was left with a fairly impressive albeit involuntary John Wayne impression, walking like I had shat myself due to all the aches! I also acquired more injuries from going toe to toe with Neil, I like to think I was crowd surfing but in reality I dived from the bar onto an unsuspecting and frankly quite wobbly tour leader....cue the bar wrestling complete with a sizeable crowd including at least three bouncers. It was comedy. Round two however back at the hotel left us both bloody with fat lips!
The next day saw me have a dabble at white water rafting, we managed to flip the raft which was a bit of a feat, grade 3-4ish rapids got the adrenaline going but the sauna after fulfilled all my hopes and dreams, only the prospect of some zip lining could get me out!
Next stop was Colca Canyon, it is large to say the least, we witnessed some wild condors circling around above us and climbed a pretty big hill for some special views. This little excursion won't be remembered for the views however as the genius that I am, managed to volley a cactus. This led to three days of me pulling the spines out of my bloody foot as espadrilles don't offer all that much protection, it was a treat for the group at large though, seeing me hopping around like a special case.
It was also here that Halloween was experienced. In case you were wondering, a pumpkin is a bad receptical for party juice! The outfit I managed to concoct made even me cringe. There is just something inherently wrong with bikinis and chest hair! Still, it was pretty scary not necessarily in the way I was going for, but not bad for 25 pence! The aftermath of such events were fairly large, lipstick just doesn't come off! I was willing to take the stainedge though as the nights shenanigans were impressive. There is just no good explanation for frog splashing someone whilst they're asleep....with your chesticles out, sorry Hugo, it may have been my suggestion (take a bow passenger, she stepped up and took her forfeit like a champion)
Next stop was sand boarding, I was the proud owner of the days largest wipeout, I was heading down the hill snowboarder style, built up a fair amount of speed and realised stopping may be an issue, it turns out just hitting the foetal position at pace isn't the best option and ends very very badly....sand doesn't taste very nice especially in the quantities I was inhaling it. Our lift, the sand buggy was brilliant, it helped our driver was an absolute madhead and I'm fairly sure wasn't in control remotely at any point.
A Pisco tour was the next stop, afternoon drinking hard liquor isn't for the faint hearted and saw numerous people lose the sick game throughout the night (I am still yet to achieve this!), most notably Hugo, who was hammered enough to projectile at himself....and then again in the morning.
We made it up to Lima with heavy hearts as it meant we were losing Neil and a few members of the dream team, this contributed to my day and a half of pms, where I was the most miserable man in Peru for no good reason, an ice cold corona on a sunny beach rectified this however and I'm pleased to report I'm back playing the game. We joined Neil and his family at his house for a farewell meal which was awesome, cheers For everything Neil, you're the boy!
We made it to the coast on yet another nightbus, which is becoming a far too regular occurrence for my liking. Whats also upsetting is everyone in Peru are tormenting me with their beautiful moustaches as I stumble through movember with a pathetic bit of orange bum fluff.
My beach time has been dominated by day drinking but I have managed to squeeze in some activities. I went for a run and everything! Also went for some yoga in a pretty idillic cabin on top of a hill with a view of the coast, yoga man had the largest chest fro I have seen in some time and seemed to be a bit of a masicist. He found my cries of pain hilarious as I tried to origami myself into all sorts of undignified shapes.
Had a cheeky dabble at surfing as well, I say surfing, but this isn't all that accurate. I didn't have the energy to paddle against the current and failed to stand so it was more of a drift about in the water, the closest I got to getting up saw me aggravate my dancing injuries (I will explain these shortly) so I gave up.
I think it's about time I shed some light on some of the shenanigans brought about by my giddy 'twatishness' (a word coined by P. J. Spencer to describe yours truly, it is my new favourite, I am planning on petitioning for it's involvement in the dictionary!) grandparents I advise you to look away now.
Other than the aforementioned fighting a wide array of idiocy has been present, I have, I'm afraid to say lost the naked game again....and again and again, evidence of which has started to find it's way onto Facebook which is always a bonus.....not! Sorry to anyone who stumbles across them, not all of it was my fault though, I have been de-kegged more times than I can count!
I have also started a bit of a love affair with pole dancing and my repitoir is growing, my horizontal running man was nothing short of miraculous if I do say so myself. it did mean scissor kicking the DJ in the face accidentally but I was willing to pay that price! Other areas that have been explored are; old lady groppage (she started it!), a string of inspired thefts including ponchos, sombreros and skateboards (all were returned eventually and in nearly the same condition), drinking jenga, drinking giant jenga, beer pong, peanut fighting, handstands, one armed flips (yes you did read that correctly!), fully clothed skinny dipping (fail) and many other ridiculous activities. We had the night porter join us for some drinking games as well at one point.
These activities do have a price however, the one armed flips were mastered by me for approximately 4 minutes, I then went for it again, panicked and foetal positioned it upside down in mid air, it all went wrong and the wipeout was extravagant, I'm beginning to think I need a new defense strategy! Now a bit scared to reattempt them, as I am still finding bruises. I also jumped a considerable height from a cabin barefoot onto rocks so good old John Wayne time is back.
I have fallen into the habit of being peer pressured into downing dirty pints full of chilli sauce, I have vowed to stop doing this however as I have cut it close a few times and it's not worth the week of repercussions! This peer pressure is nothing on what I have been inflicting on my protégée however. Passenger as she is known in our circles (or Hannah to her mum and dad) has been a constant source of entertainment for me, other than frog splashes she has downed hard boiled eggs, downed chocolate cakes, done dentist chairs, been the unknowing participant in Hannah-roe and generally put up with my abuse.
Drama has managed to find it's way into our group dynamic which I personally find rather amusing and have generally managed to not be too involved with, one thing I have made sure of however is everyone know of a certain tour members efforts, failed efforts I might add, to curl one out on the beach, in her defence it was her only option but the fact she got caught by two security guards still makes me smile.
In completely unrelated to alcohol news I managed to complete my self set task for Peru and found guinea pig to try, what I hadn't banked on was it being in a buffet with all sorts of interesting parts including boiled face with whiskers still attached, very boney but tasty nonetheless!
I think I have wittered on for just about long enough now, I am currently queuing at border control for entry into Ecuador! Stay tuned for tales from there. Hope you're all well and enjoyed the read!
Luke. X