Stateside Baby!

Pleasantly surprised at the ease of making it into the US, there wasn't even a hint of the rubber glove treatment or anything! I couldn't help but feel extremely giddy as two of the tasks I had set myself for the states were accomplished within minutes of leaving the airport, one; admittedly not the most challenging was to find a really really unskinny person, the first dude I saw was a security guard that was so large, I'm still unsure whether he could reach the gun on his belt, he was severely round and I believe with my cat/ninja like reactions I could have slapped him in the face and cartwheeled away before he could catch me (these are the kind of thoughts that will eventually get me arrested here!) And two; find a large black lady who uses the phrase mmmmhhhhmmmm in an actual sentence, that happened on the subway leaving the airport, it was almost too good!

I then turned into Mr Tourist for the next few days, I walked fairly solidly for 12 hours in the rain around New York, going on the Staten Island ferry past the Statue of Liberty, walking both the Manhattan and Brooklyn bridges, wandering through Times Square, down Wall Street and as much of the other inexpensive activities I could think of. I think the highlight for me though which has been a running theme throughout my time here is how entertaining I find the accent, i spoke to a NYPD officer, he really spoke like they do in the films, it's awesome!

My task for the next day was to meet up with my tour group, this is a hell of a lot harder than it sounds when you don't read the tour instructions and go to the hotel in the wrong city! A train to Jersey remedied this though so my complete and utter specialness wasn't punished. And no drama came from it, not being able to keep this to myself however meant my projected first impression was ruined.....again!

The tour departed and with a very diverse group, all good value, families, couples and people like me with no friends teamed up for a very enticing road trip. Our first stop was Philadelphia, we were here long enough for me to realise that my entire knowledge of American history is from the Nicholas Cage film; National Treasure. This meant that seeing the liberty bell was pretty awesome and I also got to sample a Philly cheese steak which is something I would recommend to everyone even if I do believe it irresponsible of them not to put a heart attack warning on the side!

As I expected the tour is moving at some pace and we were straight on to Washington where Monuments and museums were visited at a staggering pace each one more impressive than the last. I also saw Georgetown and had a wander around the uni campus, I have seen this on some film or other and was quickly coming to realise how educational the crap films I watch at home are (honest pops!). All in all the city is very impressive and more and more American stereotypes have been ticked off, my awful English accent is massively appreciated and you have to go through a metal detector to get into any building of remote importance. The big cities tend to all have very similar people however, business types and it wasn't until we got out of these that the characters really started to emerge.

After these large cities we started edging towards what I would call the proper character-ised America, the South; Memphis, Nashville, Austin, New Orleans. All these places have some amazing traits of their own, mainly revolving around live music, I have been massively impressed with all the jazz, blues, country and rappers, everyone from the smelly busker to the smartly dressed restaurant performer have more talent in their extremely impressive facial hair than I could ever hope to have in my entire body (still bitter my beautiful tash is gone!).

I could talk all day about my activities in these places but will try to summarise for everyones sake, Memphis will stick in my mind for Graceland (Elvis' home) and sun studios ("the birthplace of rock & roll"), Nashville for the awesome live bands everywhere. New Orleans the same but also Bourbon street for it's 24 hour strip clubs that I absolutely did not go in and I absolutely did not get relatively violated by a fairly elderly stripper.......Austin and Texas in general were awesome, we attempted some swing dancing, which is a lot harder than it looks, especially as every OAP is like Travolta, so my tenuous efforts were panic strewn to say the least!

We have also been to some bad ass little hick towns, full of Honky Tonks (still not really sure what this means but it's fun to say, possibly a type of bar?) that look like they have fallen out of a western, now I don't approve of guns but cowboys are a true inspiration to me, so when I am offered a cowboy hat and a 1873 colt peacemaker
& an 1892 Winchester (old school cowboy guns) I am too excitable to say no, so I had a little dabble.

Outside of the towns we have also visited some fairly spectacular sights, a big ass cave somewhere 754 feet underground that is bigger than the White house inside, a big pretty lake and an unbelievable canyon (this blog has been written prior to me seeing the grand canyon so if I mock the one in this blog later please don't judge me)

My drunken adventures have allowed me to encounter some truly awesome Americanos coupled with my usual escapades into mischievous shenaniganisms, I have come across a cool black poet, lesbians, some impressive drainpipe climbing, a personal tour guide/bouncer that led me out of one bar (does that count as getting kicked out?), a Santa costume (don't ask), one lovely bar lady who taxied us to another bar, my allocated seat was the featal position in the boot, I also managed to sweet talk a bottle of wine off her! And many more unremebered or hazy bits and pieces that I probably shouldn't be talking about anyway.

The one main running theme for my evenings out however have been Hooters, these heavenly premises have roughly a 43% attendance in my evenings, I have failed to find one in every city I have been to but I have heard rumours of a Hooters hotel in Vegas! I did however, I'm afraid to say, fail to steal the hooter-mobile (a cross between a quad bike and golf cart) I really must learn to hot wire vehicles one of these days, I had to settle for a hooters vest in that particular establishment (still a pretty special acquisition though!)

Another brilliant trend of this tour has been cheap cheap fireworks, I think our tour group is relatively addicted, yours truly included! Last nights efforts saw us stay at a ranch with a 'party barn' this being made of wood is obviously the ideal place to turn fireworks into indoor weapons that made for an extremely entertaining flurry of irresponsible fun....that again I took absolutely no part in and definitely did not orchestrate (is the sarcasm getting across?)

The people I have met here have been awesome and my vague preposition that they all believe nowhere else is worth visiting because they live in "the best country in the world" is complete horse s***. Everyone are friendly, genuinely interested and want to know more about you and where you come from which is always a worthwhile conversation, If you're lucky you will get a y'all out of them which when said with a southern accent is amazing and I can't help but smile!

I feel I have wittered for long enough about some of my vague activities with many tangents visited, Vegas is the next destination where the festivities take place after we visit the big pot hole named the grand canyon or something or other. I am still at large, have not been arrested yet and am keeping within the letter of the law with only a minor misspellings or two.

Hope everyone are most well and have a truly splendid Christmas!

Luke. X