The Enforced Stop

The tin can returns

We got the small boat from Little Corn to big Corn but almost missed it after Kulaks in a café took so long to take payment that we were forced to leave a tip. We jumped aboard and headed for Big Corn as dark threatening clouds got closer and closer. At Big Corn we had decided to jump off quickly and walk to the airport to avoid having to pay for a taxi. The weather had other ideas, no sooner had we got off the boat than the heavens opened and we sought shelter and resigned ourselves to getting a taxi.

The tin can plane took off without a problem and we landed at Bluefields to pick up more passengers. A large group of Canadian Samaritans got on and one sat behind us tried to strike up a conversation. We were bored immediately by his talk of churches and building a health centre, so we told him we had spent the last 7 days rocking in rocking chairs. The conversation was terminated. A war almost broke out between 2 granjads on the flight as one got off to stretch his legs and returned to find another granjad sat in his seat. Granjad 1 made Granjad 2 move, but not without Granjad 2 scowling and sulking about there being no seats left. Nature was soon about to remonstrate with Granjad 2, but more about that later.

We flew over the rest of Nicaragua and experienced some heart stopping turbulence before landing in Managua. In Managua the Canadian Samaritan Granjads got off the plane and one granjad, who was the spitting image of Godfrey from Dad’s Army, gave the flight stewardess some small Canadian flag pins. Charlie and Lisa were standing on the steps staring at the items being transacted by Godfrey Granjad when an incident occurred right infront of Lisa. Granjad 1, from the seat stealing episode, didn’t make a successful navigation of the steps and fell face first onto the tarmac. Bags and arms were splayed in starfish style and feet were somehow still between steps. Charlie was oblivious to the incident until he heard a small gasp and hushed giggle escape from Lisa’s mouth. There was a pause as other granjads took about 10 mins to turn their ageing necks. Finally two Samaritans did what they were supposed to do and helped the poor man up. To our surprise the air hostess, only 1m (3ft for the old folk and Americans) away, did nothing to assist as she was too wrapped up in the free goods from Godfrey Granjad. On the walk from the plane to the airport we had to stare at the ground and try to avoid laughing heartily at the recurring image of a splayed out granjad!

At the airport we organized ourselves to save maxi-time as we had to race to the bus station for a 12 o’clock bus. We took a taxi from the airport but had been pre-warned that the taxis were much more expensive at the airport than on the road. We asked the price of one and they quoted 550 Cordobas (36 Cordobas to 1 pound), so we said No Gracias and crossed the road here we were quoted 160 Cordobas and had a nice friendly taxi driver.

Failed Panama Trip

Having arrived at the TICA bus station, a kulak appeared out of nowhere and grabbed our bags out of the boot of the cab and ran with them to the front door of the bus station. Here, Charlie simply picked up his bag and breezed inside, unaware that the kulak expected a tip for this service. Meanwhile, Lisa was trapped outside dealing with the situation.

We approached the counter and tried to buy a ticket for the 12pm bus, only to be told it was full, and the next bus was not due until the following Monday (today is Thursday). We were now faced with an unexpected 4 day wait in Managua.

Casa Blanca

We searched LP for some accommodation in the local area and found a few cheap hostels around. We went off to search them and two boys followed us trying to get us to go to different hotels. The first one we visited was dark, dingy, dirty, and had a dying granjad looking all waxen in a bed in the corridor. The price was good but neither of us could have stayed with the spectre of dying granjad.

We continued our search and ended up going into Casa Blanca just to get rid of the boys. It was $15 for the room, with two beds, a TV and a bathroom that failed to have a wall that reached the ceiling and most importantly there was no door! We spent most of our time locked in the room with two 16 inch pizzas and watching ‘Plastic Surgery Gone Wrong’. The owner was a very crispy unfriendly granjad, who woke us up by banging on our door at 4am. Apparently it was to get the bus, but we had never mentioned getting the bus and there was no apology given for this rude interruption.

In the morning we decided to continue our search for cheaper accommodation with a door on the bathroom. We had a lazy morning watching more TV (We hadn’t seen English speaking television for a few months) and we were interrupted again by the cleaning kulak’s kulak child. We had our door open to let some air into our pit but this let in the small girl child. As it waddled closer to the bed we screamed in terror, it touched the bed and almost touched us. The kulak mama eventually removed the offending item but it returned frequently so we had to shut the door. It was definitely time for new accommodation.

Ensuenos

Disillusioned with Hotel Casa Blanca, we set off in search of alternative accommodation. We found one just down the road, which was half the price and even had a door on the bathroom! Hospedaje Ensueno was run by a 13 year old girl and her 130 year old granja, who seemed constantly concerned by the length of Lisa’s skirts.

Our room was dark and greasy, but it had a TVB, which is what occupied most of our time over the 4 days. We managed to find some English language channels and watched films until our eyes bled (don’t judge us too harshly, remember we have been deprived!)

The Hospedaje also had a small caged area with some rocking chairs, which obviously delighted us. Many an evening was spent rocking here, watching the kulaks roam the streets from the safety of our caged environment.

Mall Rats

We had resigned ourselves to staying in Managua as there was a very large, modern Mall. This mall was a giant complex on 5 floors with full Antarctica setting air-conditioning. This air-conditioning sent us frequently outside so that we could warm up a little. Slightly opposite to being in Britain. The floors were crammed full of cheap shops to buy all kinds of rubbish and had our favourite Carrion shop, which we last encountered in La Ceiba. They also had a large food court with all the usual food faves and a cinema over two floors.

On one expedition to the Shopping Mall Lisa decided to entertain Charlie by having a fashion show of the most hideous items of clothing that could be found in Carrion. It was stiff competition between the garments as not every line could be exhibited. The winners were 3 of the most sluttish and hideous skirts known to the Christian world. One was ruched denim army pattern, one was a plain black but with integrated shorts and the favourite was a mucky brown with white polka dots all over its non-shaped design. To Charlie’s surprise Lisa took a shine to the black prostitute skirt and decided to indulge in retail therapy. This choice also shocked Lisa and the sight shocked most of the Kulaks in Managua. This skirt has now become an integral part of Lisa’s wardrobe and is encouraged by Charlie.

Carrion had the same problem as Glynis in the over-employment of Kulaks. We wandered down many aisles that contained two or three employees locked in communication and gossip.

The ATM was part of its own small disaster in the mall. Three of these were out of order and a guard kulak directed us to a woman in a box. The woman in a box was no help so the same kulak tried to direct us to an ATM in an Esso station but without using the words Esso or Gas Station or anything vaguely resembling petroleum. We decided to wander in the pointed direction until out of sight and then cut back to the Mall. Unfortunately, and probably due to Lisa’s short skirt, the kulak followed us and shouted as we wandered back towards the mall. He the pointed directly at the Petrol Station so we felt forced to wander in that direction.

The mall was a safe haven but the route to and from the Mall was strewn with kulak threats. On one occasion Lisa copied Charlie’s previous behaviour of screaming at approaching kulaks, when one man kissed his hand and then had the audacity to touch Lisa’s shoulder. This action led to the immediate reaction of “aaaaaaaaahhhhhh” and a quickening of pace. Lisa hastens to add this was an occasion not provoked by the wearing of a prostitute’s outfit.

Gluttony and Piggishness

When we weren’t watching TV, we were eating like pigs. The mall had a food court and we were often to be found inhabiting it. We often took Pizza Hut back to our room to eat while watching TV. We received many horrified looks as we carted our family size portions along the kulak lined streets back to our room.

The Real World

On Sunday, the traditional day of boredom, we religiously went to the Cinema. Here we watched an English/American film ´The Holiday´. The kulaks behind the snacks counter looked worried as we ordered 2 massive boxes of popcorn, maxi drinks and sweet snacks. There was a certain amount of disbelief in the amount of snacks being consumed by the only two white people there. So much disbelief that some items went through free as the kulak counldn´t count above 10. After the film finished and we emerged into the mall a short culture shock was experienced by both of us. We had got so absorbed into the Hollywood film that we had forgotten our surroundings in the dark. We emerged into a surprisingly western mall but there was something amiss – Too Many Kulaks!

Welcome the Criminal

Since Charlie’s hair had not been cut for 9 months, he decided that it was probably time for a haircut. Lisa accompanied him to the hairdresser across the road from our hotel. When it was his turn, the lady asked, “What style would you like?” (in Spanish, of course). Charlie – lacking Spanish hairdressing vocabulary – simply made a buzzing noise at her. The lady looked horrified and gingerly reconfirmed the choice. Soon the lion’s mane was lying on the floor around Charlie’s feet, and a criminal face stared back at him in the mirror.

Final thoughts: 4 of the best laziest days ever. Great air conditioned shopping, snacks and films. But nothing else to do.

Mark out of 10: 5

Next time… Costa Rica