Adios Kulaks!

Panama City Airport Madness

Having spent the day in the AC loveliness of Albrook mall with our bags in storage, we headed off the Panama City airport on the bus. During the journey it became dark, and the bus was so full of kulaks they were standing in the aisle. We were sitting at the back with our maxi bags. How were we going to get off? We prayed that by the time we got to the airport, the bus would have emptied so we would be able to get off without too much commotion. On route, the bus crashed into the bus in front. Being a kulak country, no one cared or did anything, so we just continued on our journey.

Because we are very naughty all the time, our prayers were not answered and the bus was extra full when we reached the airport. And no one wanted to get off, either. Luckily, we are top b******s and we managed to convince a fellow passenger to not only yell at the driver to stop the bus for us, but also to carry our luggage off the bus for us so we could exit in dignity. He he.

We arrived at the airport at 7pm, but our flight wasn’t until 5.45am. We had decided to spend the night at the airport as it hardly seemed worth the expense of an extra night’s accommodation and then the price of a cab fare at 3am. We met up with 3 girls who had the same idea as us. 2 of them slimed off somewhere, but returned later to sleep at our feet for protection. They became affectionately know as the refugees (see picture to understand why). The other girl thought it would be fun to play cards. We didn’t, so instead Charlie stole her nail varnish and painted Lisa’s nails. Luckily the girl knew she was beaten, and joined in the fun, drawing hearts and moons on Lisa’s nails with a different coloured varnish. Soon she went to sleep as well, as we were left with a completely empty airport to go wild in.

Eventually it was time for us to check in for our flight. We had no sleep by this point, and were a little giggly/psychotic. We arrived to check in and had to open our maxi bags to be inspected by a rather severe looking security kulak. Items that aroused suspicion in Charlie’s bag included a plastic angel with a gold tutu (thanks Dee!) and a bright blue fluffy pencil case stuffed with electronics (thanks Fifi!). The angel was especially scrutinised by the guard, and was only given a last minute reprieve and allowed to return to the safety of the bag. The proved too much for either of our sleep deprived brains to handle, and mild hysterics began. This was not helped by Charlie’s continuous commentary about the situation in Rad´s voice.

Full hysteria was reached when it was Lisa’s bags turn to be inspected by a nervous young man, obviously new to the job. As he unzipped the main compartment of Lisa’s incredibly badly packed bag, 2 packs of panty liners threw themselves out into the air. Clumsily trying to stuff them back and hide his embarrassment, the man opened the bottom compartment of Lisa’s bag and lifted out an innocent looking coat, only to be attacked by a box of tampons. This proved too much for the poor man who nervously waved us through. We, on the other hand, had reached a new level of insanity, and could barely stop laughing for long enough to deal with the man at the check in desk, who looked nervous at our arrival following the previous incident (in full view of all passengers). “Do you have onward tickets from Ecuador?” he asked us. Neither of us do, even though it is an entry requirement for the country. “Of course!” Charlie confidently exclaims, and then goes on to flap a bit of paper with some irrelevant details in the mans desk. Eager to avoid a scene, and unable to read the frantically flapping piece of paper, we are once again waved through and are soon in departures. This is where we fail to notice the immigration desk and breeze straight past. It is only until the man repeatedly bangs his hand on his booth to get our attention that we notice his existence and return to have our passports stamped.

Soon we are in the duty free are and Lisa buys chocolate. Both very tired, we board the plane that will take us to Costa Rica, where our mammoth journey continues.

The Madness Continues

After landing at San Jose, Costa Rica we spent 4 hours wandering about the airport. We found lots of expensive souvenir shops that we perused with gay abandon. This abandon became pronounced as we found free samples of chocolates, nuts, coffee and coffee liquor. We stuffed our piggy faces with chocolate until we felt sick, then washed it down with coffee and continued the cycle.

The craziness of sleep deprivation was still upon us as we disturbed all items in the shop. Things got worse as Lisa found coffee liquor and began adding it to the free coffee drinks. There was a stand of build you own keyrings/necklaces etc. This attracted us by its colourful beads and pictures of monkeys. After accidentally throwing letter cubes on the floor and making a Kulak pick them up Lisa decided to invest in a lovely keyring. The keyring now displayed on her handbag has a bead of a sloth and letters spelling the word ´Kulak`.

All the coffee, alcohol and activity necessitated a visit to the toilet. Lisa innocently went into the toilets and pushed a few doors as they had no indication of occupancy displayed on the outside. Finally one gave way but to her shock, and reminiscent of Utila, a small American accented voice of ´Excuse Me` arrived at Lisa’s ears but not before the sight of a Granja on the toilet hit her eyes. Lisa quickly moved in a direction away from the non-door locking Granja and cursed her for her negligence.

The craziness continued as we read Cosmo aloud to each other to the consternation of other passengers. Luckily our flight was called before any more mischievous acts could be achieved and we were off to South America.

Hostel Chicago

We both stepped out of Quito airport nervously waiting the affects of altitude to kick in. However, we both remained standing, so we continued our journal to our hostel. We arrived after a strange journey on a metrobus, a combination between a bus and a tram and got a cab from the town centre for the final leg of our journey.

We arrived at the hotel, which is perched high on a hill in the old town area of Quito. We are shown to our lovely room and both pass out, after a lovely hot shower (our first in 2 months!). The hotel had a beautiful roof terrace where magnificent views of Quito were found, and where we breakfasted each morning in the cold, crisp air (such a nice change form the oppressive heat of Central America).

When we came to check out, Granja who ran the hostel forgot to charge us for our last night. We failed to point this out to her, viewing it as cosmic retaliation for the monetary losses suffered by Charlie a few days previously (see below). Sorry, granja!

Hare Krishna

Finally we managed to locate a vegetarian restaurant that had not closed down and whose prices were perfect for our budget. The Hare Krishna ´Govinda` Restaurant had a set lunch for one dollar fifty. We ended up going in the evening and eating leftovers from lunch for only a dollar. We realised that we were not meant to be there for dinner so we went back the next lunchtime and did things properly. Apparently in Ecuador lunch is the main meal of the day, so we have taken this as an excuse to consume lots of food for almost all the day! We were very pleased with the fare at this restaurant as we had been eating really badly whilst on the road. They provided us with veggie soup, brown rice, soya, vegetables and tasty sauces. The sauces lacked spices but the meal redeemed itself by the variety of fresh food. It was good to feel nice on the inside whilst the altitude was making us lazy and tired whilst walking around. We like to blame the altitude but it might just be laziness.

We laughed at all their controversial leaflets in Spanish that we didn’t understand.

On our third visit one of the Hare Krishna’s decided to try to talk to us, this was in Spanish and so he didn’t receive any sensible answers and instead got bemused looks. One of the girls (definitely more than an XL) also tried conversation until she was forced to speak English, which went well until the Adios when she added something completely incomprehensible and quickly realised her mistake as Charlie shouted back “What?” over his shoulder.

Robbery!

One day we caught the tram to the new town area of Quito to go shopping. We arrived and went into a pharmacy to buy tissues for Charlie’s runny nose. When it came to pay, Charlie could not find his wallet, even though he had just used it to pay the tram fare. Oh dear, someone’s been pick pocketed! Luckily, the people of Quito weren’t punished for this act, as Charlie was impressed they managed to access the wallet, which was in a zipped pocket on the front of his trousers. Also it meant that we could go shopping for a new wallet, so everyone was a winner. Luckily no cards were lost, and only about 7 pounds went walkabout. Could have been much worse!

Journey to the Center of the Earth... or something like that

Mitad del Mundo is a monument to the Centre of the World but to us it is just a marker for the equator. We arrived expecting to be fascinated by activities that can only be done at the equator. Unfortunately we paid to get into the complex and then we had to pay for everything else, eg. museums. We spent a bit more money on a train ride around the site. The Granja controlling the train’s doors tried to stop us getting on but she knew it was futile, so we sat amongst the kids and spoke loudly over the Spanish commentary. We tried to get pictures of the equator sign but a large group of French tourists hogged it for about 30 minutes so we gave up and went to buy snacks instead. We stared in a few of the souvenir shops and poked the goods until being harassed by shop people and then we made a hasty exit. We wrote some postcards whilst sat on a bench and just as we finished a group of people dressed in very funny costumes danced in the square in front of us. This was a popular event and all seats were soon filled. A small space existed next to Lisa so a large Ann like lady wedged herself in, squashing Lisa and Charlie uncomfortably against the arm rest. As soon as the first dance was finished we extricated ourselves to post the cards, eat some ice-cream and then leave the hideous place. On the way out we received a menu with the local delicacy of Whole Guinea Pig written upon it. A disgusted Lisa took a picture of this abomination (The menu not the animal) for everyone to see (Please see pics).

El Virgen de Quito

We got on the bus from Mitad del Mundo to go back to Quito, or so we thought. Most the passengers left the bus but nothing we recognised had appeared so we stayed on the bus figuring we had nothing to lose. We ended up at a large statue on a hill overlooking Quito and decided to get off. We now faced a problem; LP had stated how dangerous it was to walk to the statue from town, so we couldn’t walk. The taxies were expensive and we had no idea of bus routes. We got some great pictures and then decided to get the bus back down into town. It followed the same route as the last bus so we got off and walked the 30 minutes back into town, using our navigational skills. We enjoyed walking through areas that most tourists would never go. On our last days we wondered about going to a museum and decided it would be good to be cultured, and they had skulls with holes in and other deformities. We got to the museum and it was closed on Mondays. The only day we had spare! Our disappointment was relieved when we found pedaloes in a small lake and river within a park. We got one for half an hour and crashed into every wall and tried to get stuck under a bridge. This made the whole day worthwhile.

Tripping

One day Charlie and Lisa were skipping merrily along the tiled pavements of Quito when Charlie stood on a steeply sloped section and promptly slid down into the middle of a busy road. Charlie was laughing before he even reached the ground, but laughed even more when he saw the horrified faces of the locals who were genuinely concerned. Charlie leapt to his feet and we both raced away through the crowded streets, Charlie ashamed of being such a clumsy cripple, and Lisa at being associated with one.

Another day we were innocently walking along when an old toothless man with a cane spotted us and shouted "Ah my friends!" at us. We ran away, but he chased after us and as he got faster his cane tapped faster on the ground. But we outran him and then laughed.

Final Thoughts: It was amazing to reach such a nice cold City after the oppressive heat of Panama. The landscape was beautiful and green but there was not much to do in Quito.

One small point: we no longer feel that we can refer to the people of South America as kulaks, as they demonstrate much less laziness and stupidity than the people of Central America. If any readers can help us come up with a new (derogatory) name for the people of South America, we will be very grateful. Answers on a postcard, please!

Mark out of 10: 7.5