We were very grateful to set off from Mendoza and boarded our bus to Bariloche – only semi-cama, the shame! It was quite a long journey, setting off at 6pm and arriving at 2pm the next day, and not in the most comfortable of seats. Lisa had maxi  skis at the back of her seat, and as a result it World not fully recline. Nonetheless we arrived to really beautiful alpine scenery and felt relaxed for the first time in ages. 

 

We got in a cab and headed off to a LP recommended (i.e. cheap) hotel. When we arrived we thought we had the wrong address because it looked just like a normal house. However we rang the bell and a very old, very bent over woman answered the door. She spoke in a very wobbly, high pitch Ukranian voice and told us that she had come to Bariloche 50 years ago from Slovenia. She showed us to a very nice attic room that was just like a swiss chalet. The only trouble was the ladder like steps that had to be climbed to reach the room, which the old lady liked to scare us by climbing up dangerously. When we were in the room, the old lady was showing us how the gas fire worked, and then for no reason proudly ejaculated “AND WE HAVE ONLY HAD ONE ACCIDENT!” Everyone smiled nervously as Granja proceded to tell us a horrific store about some Germans who had lit the gas oven, only for it to have gone out without them realising. When they next opened the oven door, the flame from the gas fire ignited everything. He he he. Granja prevented future problems by putting a microscopic sticker on the door of the oven that simple says “NO”. Well done, Granja. Granja then proceded to horrify us further by proudly telling us the room is 30 dollars – way over our budget, and especially for what it is. 

 

Although we felt sorry for Granja (who at 85 had sold some of her garden to a hideous new development of hotels) we decided we couldn´t stay there and checked out some other hotels. All the hotels in Bariloche are expensive (by our standards) so we had no choice but to check into quite a nice one, called the Painters Pallet run by a favourite Granjad. The morning we moved hotels it snowed very heavily. We slopped and scrunched our way through the streets and felt very Christmassy indeed.  

 

Granjad caused much hilarity when he gave us our receipts for our room bill. He had decided we were from the United States, and wrote this on the first receipt. However, when he gave us our other receipts he decided that we were in fact from Ukrania! He told us he became confused as to what the UK meant in our passport. Lisa got revenge for this slight by headbutting the toothbrush holder in the bathroom, which promptly snapped and fell off. Unfortunately, we had a TV in our room, which somewhat limited our movements. However it was nice to watch Gilmore Girls 1000 times a day again, just like we did in BsAs.

 

 

Snowboarding Yeah - Children Beware!

As Bariloche was a giant centre for skiing and snowboarding we both decided to try our hands (and bums) at snowboarding.The first few days in Bariloche were spent finding the cheapest Ski and Snowboarding School, the cheapest Board Hire and the cheapest Clothing Hire.The school was easy to find as we headed up the mountain and compared them all but one shone through as a winner and was about 30 pounds cheaper for a full day of private tuition. This school was Bajo Cero.We paid up in cash to get the best discount but the total was still over 100 pounds for the both of us.

 

In the cheapest clothing hire shop Carlos caused a scene as he strived for the cheapest clothes in the shop but after paying vanity kicked in and so the cheap clothes were exchanged for the premier class items and money was added.The snowboard hire shop was no better as technical snowboarding questions were asked in spanish, so on both scores we hadn't got a clue.There was apparently a difference in which foot goes first but we had not idea so we both guessed and hoped for the best.In the shop a very irritating giant octopus head did not help the scene causing moment.

 

The next morning we donned all of our new clothing and Lisa luxuriated in the comfortable feel of snowboard boots compared to ski ones.We grabbed our boards and headed to the bus.The bus was full so we had to stand for the 20 minute journey and we wobbled around dangerously.We could have hired boards at the slopes but it was more expensive.We landed at the school and met our instructor who had the familiar goggle marks.A guy on the bus had such extreme goggle marks that the brown skin had turned crispy and alien like!Our instructors name was Santiago and he kept trying to tell us how he preferred to speak German rather than English - obviously we didn't allow it!

 

Our first go was a wobbly one footed attempt on flat snow.We then progressed to a shallow slope with rocky snow and other learners.At first the slope was empty but soon it filled up and we still had very little control over our boards.Lisa demonstrated this by ploughing straight into a very small child skiier that tumbled to the ground on impact, lay silent and staring and then howled.Santiago ran over in a slightly concerned way and the child's instructor chided Lisa for not being in control of her speed (rude!).Lisa on the other hand was trying to pretend to be humble and concerned but really just wanted to have a sniggering fit with Charlie who observed the whole scene from the top of the slope!

 

By lunchtime we were both exhausted and had climbed the hill in blistering sunshine about 50 times.Santiago went off to buy lunch but we had brought our own specially prepared snadwiches.

 

We returned with our boards for round two.But this was short lived as a disaster had ocurred and part of the shoe strap on the board fell off.This doesn't sound very serious but the bolt that held it on had fallen off and couldn't be found.Santiago came to the rescue with a newly acquired one - probably from someonelse's board!

 

We headed to a longer slope that had a poma (tow) lift by the side of it.Charlie was excited but Lisa remembered the devilishness of this type of lift from her ski learning days.Charlie's excitement soon turned to dread as each time he went on it, a few metres later he would be off it again.Lisa managed to cling on to the top once or twice but mostly fell off along the way.Santiago got frustrated with our crippish behaviour but most snow boards had trouble or fell off on route, so we were not the only ones.The lack of lift use led to our continuing to walk up the hill.The runs down got much better and turns started to be executed but we were getting tired and thirsty.Snow eating took place.Our limbs started to ache a lot, due to our usual sedentary lifestyle being interrupted. Lisa could no longer shift her mass vertically and so had to rotate body and board in a style reminiscent of a struggling whale and push herself up with her arms.

 

We finally realised why all snowboarders wear hats.............. because they all have german lesbian hairstyles. This information is only taken from one source..... Santiago.

 

By the time we had finished we had caught a tan through factor 45 suncream and learned basic turns.We said adios to Santiago and hoped it wasn't customary to tip.We also said adios to the photographer as he tried to charge us US$6 per digital photograph! Ludicrous!

 

That night we crawled to our beds and watched TV, too exhausted and in too much pain to move.All our limbs ached, muscles spasmed and cramped and we had to shuffle like two old granjas.

 

Return to the Slopes

 

The boards had been hired for another two days so we had to shift our arthritic bones and torn muscles to another day on the slopes.We stayed on the same slope as the lesson day, which was empty in the morning but neither of us was brave enough to attempt the lift again!

 

Lisa got frustrated as she kept falling over backwards and not only hurting her very pert bottom but also bashing her head!Charlie had to spend the rest of the day persuading her not to get skis.We spent the morning trying to perfect turns but decided the slope had got too busy again.We decided to use the lift pass that we had spent a lot of money on and go up to a learner area further up on the mountain.We visited a caf�nd then tackled the empty slope, it would have been ideal but the slope was too steep for our feeble skills.We returned to the base for lunch and happened across another slope that looked perfect, shallow and empty.

 

This slope became our new favourite and we practiced hard in the afternoon.We also took time out to watch other people and especially those more crippish than us.On old man learning to ski had obviously not learned to stop and crashed into the bottom bright orange fencing in true cartoon comical style.Three girls learning to snowboard seemed to have a gravitational attraction to each other on the slope and fell in many painful ways.We were still falling over on each run but certainly not with the same crippishness as the others.We also spent our rest time commenting on people's fashion sense, well mostly lack of.One ski instructor and his instructee had matching German lesbian Auschwitz dominatrix leather cum Biggles sunglasses.Anything with that combination was obviously going to induce a sniggering fit out of all known proportions!

 

On our third and final day of snowboarding we went to our favourite slope and finally managed to get down without falling over.If we did take a tumble on knees or bum they were already so bruised and sore that the impact was agony - who said punishment wasn't the best way to learn!A granjad and granja were trying to learn snowboarding but became very irritating as they walked up the middle of the slope and got in everyone's way.Charlie ran into them on purpose and did not apologise but they didn't learn their lesson.

 

There was a lift for pedestrians to use to get up the mountain so at lunchtime we went on a little adventure.A granja slipped on some snow at the bottom of some stairs and her hands swung out wildly for support.Unfortunately for Charlie he was too close and her hands stroked his delicate parts!!! We got to the cable car limit and found we could go up further on a small chair lift.It was freezing at the top and the wind raced through our clothes so we headed straight back down to the cable car.At this point there was a restaurant so we ate our sandwiches and watched skiers jumping off the rails onto the slopes below.Another granja had an unfortunate incident on the snow and fell as soon as she was leaving the cable car building.Luckily for us we were just passing and Charlie suddenly had a Bolivian attack and couldn't stop staring at the Granja sprawled on the floor, Lisa had to tell him off.The man with granja looked cross as she had been given control of the video camera - not for much longer we think.

 

We gave ourselves a short afternoon of snowboarding as the slope started to get busy with people at the bottom and we wanted to end on a happy note.We took the boards back into town and returned the clothing.We both looked forward to a day of rest.

 

Chocolate Gluttony

 

Most of the chocolate shops also had cafes which served the best hot chocolate in Latin America, not much competition, but it really was very good.Lisa was encouraged by Charlie to buy a rich chocolate cake to be washed down by a very dark rich hot chocolate.Lisa being a pig couldn't say no.Charlie ended up having to help and both left the chocolate shop feeling very sick and probably with diabetes.

 

Having finally recovered (kind of) from our skiing injuries, we decided to head out to the local chocolate factory-cum-museum. We were given a deliciously rushed guided tour and lots of free samples of chocolates and drinking chocolate that we pigsied down and then asked for more. In the tour we got to stare through the glass at chocolate making kulaks. One of them was set the task of repairing a machine, but he tripped and spilled his toolkit everywhere. Needless to say, Charlie´s Bolivia disease returned and he just stared and stared and then had a sniggering fit while the por tour guide was trying to hold our increasingly wandering attention.

After the tour of the museum, during which we were accompanied by 2 annoying Americans, we went on a cable car up to the top of the hill, and then came down it in tobogans down a concrete slide. It was not very exhilarating. See picture.  After a lovely week of luxury we packed up our bags and head off in search of the Welsh. 

 

Mark out of 10 = 9.5 

 

Final thoughts: A lovely town that felt really safe. Lots of chocolates and skiing weren´t a bad thing either.

Next time... Trelew