"Less of a tour, more of a really long drive" is the description given by Jordan, our otherwise very enthusiastic guide for the 3-day, near-2000km drive up to Darwin.

An aged monument and faded line mark the Tropic of Capricorn, our first stop just outside Alice Springs, though it will take more than a day to reach anything resembling the tropics. Here it's just red, red, red.

Termite hills dot the land like a giant cemetery - they are lined up east to west in order to get the shade on one side all of the time. We are driving along the Stuart Highway, named after the Scot who travelled across Australia to map a telegraph line connecting Australia to the rest of the world.

Barrow Creek Telegraph Station is one of the relay sites on the journey from London via Africa and the Middle East to Adelaide. Next to it lays a pub where a pair of cattle ranchers with deep lines on their weather beaten faces enjoy a XXXX in the shade. Hundreds of currency notes cover the walls proving the place has been a watering hole for travellers along the route for decades. The pub is notorious only as the place Joanne Lees was taken after the murder of her boyfriend Peter Falconio 15km up the road from the station.

The self-proclaimed "UFO centre of Australia" lies in a tin shack alongside a petrol pump at Wycliffe Well. Inside lay a bar and display boards covered in newspaper clippings of UFO sightings. I ask the bar maid, half-joking, whether she had seen any UFOs recently. "Last Tuesday," she deadpans back. "We get all different types all the time." Hurriedly she pulls the log book from under the bar. I'm told all about the energy fields that intersect at this point. As we drive off a 'secret' military base is the next point of interest. Hmmm.

The giant boulders of the Devil's Marbles fill a large site further north. They are so-called after cattle in the area were dropping dead after eating the grass, which has asbestos-like properties. Covering as far as the eye can see the marbles form Stonehenge-like formations, and are correspondingly a sacred site for the Aborginal peoples.

Banka Banka Cattle Station is the camp for the night. There was recently a ban on outside alcohol, to boost business from their overpriced store. Our guide advises us to buy as much as possible at the bottle shop, then buy one or two bottles from the camp store. We then pretend to be drinking very slowly and act as though we are extreme lightweights, successfully remaining above suspicion. We also watch a slide show covering the operation of the cattle station, which includes divining for water.

I have a go at this; it involves holding two metal rods out in front of you. When you 'feel the force' the rods cross and you have found water. I don't think I was very good at it, although the lady demonstrating was brilliant. The rods crossed immediately as soon as she reached the tap. Hmmm.