Day 40 - 44

Bored to tears. Have had the dullest 3 days of my life. Shortly after arriving in Jaipur, Rufus took ill. I tolerated it politely for the first few hours - and he really was unwell, fever, squirts, stomach pain - and then I got impatient. By day 3 I was climbing the walls. It's not that I feel unsafe being in India alone with the children, but it is not a place I want to wander about in. I realised just how much I depend on him and how little I can do when he is not with me. I even feel that at home. The minute he started to recover I picked a huge fight, something along the lines of: me shouting "This (insert problem) is all your fault, I should have married (insert name) and I would be living in (insert place) by now". He tolerates my nastiness with good grace and maturity. I am ashamed. It is really hard to live like this, all 4 of us crammed into one room (for 6 months now!!), no privacy, no new faces to see, nobody new to talk to. Sometimes I look round at these 3 people I love so much and could quite cheerfully stab them all with a nail file. It does pass though.

Got a local bus to see the Amber Fort which was lovely but we had missed the elephants. Went to the Palace of Winds - another misnomer, it was stuffy and boiling. Shamefully had lunch in Pizza Hut. Tried to look at the shops but the hassle is unbelievable.

Staying with the Colonel has been rubbish - a total disappointment. His wife has been away for the week and he seems to prefer spending his time entertaining young female students on his porch and ignoring us. We had hoped for a personal guide, a calming father figure, a charming and wise grandparent for the girls.

We have all been bitten s***less by mosquitos - Clover must have over 50 bites on her wee legs. There is no malaria or Dengue fever in Rajasthan so we feel vaguely reassured. Our room is dirty despite the presence of four servants, they speak no English and spend most of the time asleep on the floor. We have a rat in the room and several cockroaches. Am honestly ready to crack up and I want to go home.

Decided to try and improve my mood with some spiritual enlightenment. We went to a Shiva temple to make wishes (my dad to get better, to have a baby, world peace and some orange leather wedges). It was very emotional and I felt truly moved by the chanting, the blessings, the grief, the flowers, the statues, the music. People looked genuinely overwhelmed by their feelings, pouring breast milk onto the Goddess Shiva, howling with pain, hurling flowers and I had a little cry. On the other hand, I find the whole religous thing a bit fanatical. It gets so intense you expect them to slaughter a goat, exorcise a child or chuck a cripple on the fire. Why are they here, what do they believe in, why do they need it? What are they singing and do they really think their wishes will come true? How can they tolerate female circumcision and witchcraft? Are these men bestowing love and peace on the world or just two songs away from starting their own sleeper cell? Rufus looked decidely uncomfortable so we left. Fern and Clover were blessed by a Sadhu and smeared with red paste and rice. I stood in a cow pat.

Jaipur has not improved - it is the worst of India. We see more street children than ever before, a dog eating the inside of a cow, a dead man on the road. People seem to have an ulterior motive, always trying to fleece you, not so smiley and friendly anymore. I feel completely fed up with the place and would kill for a nice meal and a bath.