monday 12/09/2011

The bus driver heading south over the border into peru was a complete and utter newby. Early on in the day, he put the front wheel into a ditch on a straight flat peice of road, and nearly tipped the bus over. Crossing the border was a f***en joke, especially for eddy whose temporary travel document wasnt sitting well with some retarded ecuadorian border officials. It was obvious that they were officials because they were wearing t-shirts, boardies, and were watching porn in their office. The lads changed over buses in Piura at about 7pm, and got themselves set for the over night journey. Spirits were obviously high at the thought of spending over 24 hours on a bus.

tuesday 13/09/2011

The bus sailed into Lima early tuesday morning, the fellas jaded as f*** from the journey. The slug driver, sporting a sexy slug moustache, thought it would be a fantastic idea to side swipe another bus in morning rush hour traffic. The drivers of the other bus were less than ecstatic at their missing side mirror and a footpath argument raged for about 20 minutes while all the passengers looked on, occasionally chiming in with the odd helpful remark. Cops got involved but the porn star slug driver was having none of it, and eventually he just put his motor back behind the wheel and burned off. Obviously Balf and Eddy werent overly keen to check back into the Point hostel in Lima-seeing as they were responsible for dampening three mattresses-but it was the party hostel in Lima, so the lads bit the bullet. Upon checking in, the cleaner arrived out of nowhere, recognised balf and eddy and promptly told all the staff about the "pee-pee boys". Everyone had a great chuckle out of it, eddy and balf went crimson and assured all the point staff it wouldnt happen again....The boys hadnt eaten for a long time and were famished, so sauntered off down the road to investigate a renowned Peruvian buffet. The lads ripped into the grub with great relish then strolled back to the hostel to get down to business at the hostel bar. Balf and Gus/eddies girls from the previous stay in Lima were allowed along to the bar to have a few beers with the lads, so one would think that the boys would remain slightly sensible in the hope of slaying some spasm chasm. Didnt happen. Old mate was at the hostel bar again with the goods so the three lads went rock-star again. A fairly twisted crew from the hostel made their way into town, the lads leading the charge into spasticness. In a move that was completely unnecessary, the three big swingers teamed up with a classic danish dude and bought two full- sized bottles of smirnoff from behind the bar. Its possibly at about this stage everyone loses their memory, so relaying the evening in detail is very difficult. Gus does however remember going home with a bird, only to find back at her house she had a baby and also lived with her mother. A tri-generational blowout for gus, but somehow it must have been still on for eddy and balf who made it back to the hostel with their two lady friends. Eddies memory kicks back in at the hostel, when he witnesses balf pissing himself on the reception couch right in front of the girl hes just bought home. This display of feralness didnt really matter in the end anyway as the girls werent allowed to stay at the hostel.

wednesday 14/09/2011

After promising to staff there would no more firetrucking, Eddy and Balf both woke up in the wet. Balf and Gus woke at midday, hammered drunk, so they made the extremely wise decision to have a few beers before a hangover kicked in. They teamed up with an English joker in their room and mauled an extra sneaky Colombian breakfast to get things moving. Then it was straight to the pool table with a stack of beers, darts and of course Motorhead. Everyone at the hostel was probably enjoying the ultra loud music blaring as the three boys ripped into beers and gears over the next couple of hours getting absolutely f***ing belted. Balf and Gus were fairly sideways when eddy teamed up with them at 7pm to tuck into a few bevvies before the chilis concert. The boys didnt actually have tickets so the plan was to cruise around outside and scalp some. Steamed to the eyeballs, the lads jumped in a taxi with the danish dude and headed off to the stadium to try their luck. In the end the lads were s*** out of luck- the scalpers were asking for too much dinero, so after listening to a few songs outside they cut their losses and headed back to the hostel. Getting out of the taxi outside the hostel, it was clear that Balfs cheddar had most definitely slid off the huntley and palmers. He was running down the street screaming hysterically, then whipped his skids off in front of the other lads and teased out a steaming sausage plonk on the pavement. The ill behaviour ceased when entering the hostel bar though, as Balfs bird had invited herself round and was waiting for him. After a couple more beers and some s*** PDA, balf was hitting the wall pretty hard so slunk off to bed, leaving his girl with Eddy and Gus. Gus came in and woke balf up half an hour later, completely fazing him by saying that eddy was cutting his lunch. Trying to appear cool about the situation, balf mustered up some strength and got back to the bar to keep trying it on with her. He didnt have to try very hard in the end, she was pretty keen to sneak into balfs room and do some naughty stuff. He convinced her that there was no-one else in the room, (blatant lie) then charged into some salt-blocking and strainer-posting. He cant speak for the other people in the room, but Balf was pretty chuffed, especially as she had amazing funbags. Gus and Eddy were amped up for town, so Balf and his sheila got up and headed off, collecting eddys bird again. Balf lasted all of about half an hour in town before getting a taxi, blowing chunks out the door on the way home. Gus and Eddy stayed with the two girls for the rest of the night dancing up a storm until the wee hours. Eddy came home with his girl and of course the uncomprimising f***wits at the hostel wouldnt let her in. Gus made it back with Balfs girl, after being made to pay for her taxi.

Thursday 15/09/2011

Suprisingly, dry beds in the morning!!!This didnt however mean that the lads were exempt from some disgusting hangovers. It had been a mammoth couple of evenings on the deisel, so the boys slugged all day in front of the tv until they had to catch their bus at 630. The lethargic w**** behind reception almost made the boys miss their bus, as she was taking an age to check them out. She f***ed that up as well, blatantly overcharging them for their stay-apparently they drank 65 crate bottles and smashed 7 packs of coolsticks in two days. Because of their big swinging status, the fellas had splashed out for their bus down to Arequipa, and booked first class. The seats were ridiculously huge and comfortable which allowed for the lads to snatch a bit of shut-eye overnight.

Friday 16/09/2011

The lads had received nothing but good reveiws about Arequipa in Southern Peru. Its Perus second biggest city, has awesome weather, heaps of adventure s*** to do and fantastic scenery. Checking into the point hostel in the morning, the lads made full use of their clear heads and booked up some cool stuff to do over the next few days. They organised a rafting trip for the sunday, and a trek into Colca canyon for the monday/tuesday. They spent the day checking out the city and having snoozes before the inevitable hammer they had been lugging around all day got dropped through the floor. There was a good crew of like-minded people at the hostel, with good senses of humour and an enthusiasm to smack a few wets back. The hostel took about 12 people down to a university bar at about 6pm. The place was unreal-captain cook tavern peruvian style. Possibly the best thing about this place was that the boys were the only gringos in the joint, and hot, drunk university girls were climbing over themselves to talk to them. Everyone in the place was staring at the three lads, and after two minutes of walking in the door, four hot peruvian girls charged over and started trying to chat to the lads. The boys hadnt experienced such forwardness from females before, and it was at about this stage they realised that learning spanish may have been a very good idea. Because sober dancing is edwards forte, he leapt at the opportunity to dance with an extremely attractive wee bird in front of everyone. Having gus and balf watching, laughing and trying to get photographic evidence probably didnt help in eddys bid to get a root, and after nearly passing away with embarrassment, he gave up. The place stopped serving at 8-it had been open since 11am-so they headed on back to the hostel half-cut. At the hostel one of the lads (wants to remain nameless)was in the dunny dealing with his bumwees he had been struggling with over the last 24 hours, when the other two lads decided to throw a bit of shaving foam over the door. Peeking over to survey the damage they had caused, the two culprits nearly copped a face full of s*** as the monkey dipped his hand in the bowl and started hurling faeces. Narrowly surviving the disgusting display of primate behaviour in fits of hysterical laughter, the lads headed on into the bar to lean into a few. And this is when Balf had a MONUMENTAL melt-down. He was a tad over excited and charged into the bar naked in front of roughly twenty sober people at 9pm. Over the next two hour period, without a stitch on, balf managed to complete the following:

-Smash funnels on the pool table, the bar, and a table.

-break the very same table

-put his foot through the bar and smash a glass when a drop-kick murphys song came on

-go into reception and try and book a bus

-Answer the hostel door to 3 highly impressed females

-Burn his pubes

-Hop naked into a random guys bed with a dart while he was away in the toilet with arse piss

-Piss into a tiny rubbish bin about 10 times

-Abuse the girl behind the bar extremely harshly for not serving him piss

-Steal two girls white russians, rip the ice out of them, and book them

-Funnel two tall glasses of pretty much straight gin

-Get in everybodys grill

By the time everyone was ready for town, balf had finally put his clothes on and youd think the ill behaviour would slow up. wasnt to be though, as balf just starting pissing his pants everywhere in town-in the line for the club, on the dancefloor, and even while he was trying to chat up a girl a puddle formed around his feet. He was being nothing short of an embarassing pest on the dancefloor, trying to get naked and picking up random girls on his shoulders and running round with them. After a big night boogeying, gus shimmied on home to the hostel, while eddy and balf for some reason ended up at another hostel bar drinking beers. Balf got naked again here and the baguette-eating, french barman started copping some fair old abuse at the hands of the very witty balf and eddy. He was getting pretty f***en lippy back, and the boys were getting fired up and about to jump the bar and f*** him up. Luckily eddy managed to pump the brakes on balf who was in the process of clambering over the bar-There couldnt possibly be anything more embarassing than being knocked out in your birthday suit by a beret-wearing french pacifistbender reeking of onions. Eddy left balf at the hostel by himself to follow a chica to a burger joint and try his luck. he doesnt really know what happened, but he didnt have any luck. Balf came to back in the other hostel sitting on a couch with a beer, wet pants, and no idea where he was. He waddled outside into the daylight cold as f***, got a cab and went back to his own hostel, and woke everyone up at 7am.

saturday 17/09/2011

The boys spent the morning filling balf in on what a peice of s*** he had been the night before, as he had very limited recollection. In the afternoon the trio got out the hostel and went go-karting. It was a pretty s*** set-up to be fair, but they had a bit of fun ramming each other with the horey converted lawnmowers. The afternoon was spent slugging around watching rugby on the telly, and mauling chicken until the inevitable drinking. Balf was feeling a little sheepish, but the boys had missed out on the last two saturday nights so it was hammertime again. There were boat races organised, which were great fun as there were alot of people playing who were extremely parched. One of these people was dr dave neutral, the swiss fence-sitter. Dr Neutral was a massive fan of all the funnels, which were becoming a major feature as the evening escalated. After one funnel, Dr. Neutral was literally having trouble talking let alone making decisions. It was a fairly rowdy and loose session at the hostel and a decent sized crew trucked on into town to see what the f***en story was. It was back to the same bar as the previous evening, and the lads tucked into some serious efficiency drinking with four english chums on the same wavelength. The lads were already pelleted, and probably didnt need the two quadruple jack daniels with no coke, but it seemed to do the trick for gus. He doesnt recall a great deal, but balf and eddy watched as he teamed up with an equally drunk local chick outside the toilet and started mauling face. The boys split up around this stage and spent a bit of time dancing like f***wits. Balf and eddy dont know the exact circumstances, but when they saw each other again they were both heading out the door with a girl each. When they got outside, they saw that gus hadnt made it very far in the last hour, stumbling round outside attached by the head to his chick. Gus was in a f***en state and his jandal had come off, which eddy promptly fired across the street on top of a two-storey building. Feeling bad, eddy offered gus his one which immediately went the same way, leaving gus and eddy with a right-footed jandal each. When eddy and balf were going to leave to take their girls back to the hostel, their last image of gus was watching him take off his shirt and mop blood off his birds forehead after she had sickenly smashed her forehead on the curb. Even though she was a little drunk, she was pretty f***en hot, and gus was stoked to get her back to a hotel for the night and peel her back. Maybe Eddy and Balf should have used some of guses intiative and got a hotel for their chicks as well, because it was the same old story back at the hostel door-the girls werent allowed to stay. They were allowed in for an hour or so to have a beer though which was fairly entertaining as balfs one was as nutty as a fruitcake. She was acting out having balfs baby in great details, noises included which was f***en weird. Eddys girl asked balf if eddy was gay because he hadnt pulled any moves, but eddy managed to slip a bit of tongue in there before the two of them disappeared in a taxi, presumably to be never seen again....

sunday 18/09/2011

The boys had organised a rafting trip for the afternoon, not too far out of Arequipa on the Rio Chile. The boys only just made the tour bus at 1pm, and were battling hangovers as they put on some of the gayest wetsuit/short/jacket combos known to man. The rafting was pretty cool though, and the hangovers shot the gap once they had fallen in a couple of times. There were two rafts and the three lads were in one with Dr. neutral, which made for a worthless raft with f*** all paddling going on. In the fastest part of the stream, the guide called out something like "everybody get on the left side!", which in balf language meant put two hands on guses chest and push him overboard. Gus almost got trapped under the boat, but bobbed up the other side and shot off downstream, swallowing half the rio chile. There was alot of other mature stuff going on such as pelting the other boat with rocksnot and also gus jumping on the other raft and tackling c*** . But it was good fun and the lads vowed to go and do some more when they got home at some stage. Back at the hostel it was a quiet one as the boys had to leave in the middle of the night at 3am to get on their tour bus to Colca Canyon. It was about 830 at night and balf was lying in bed ready to go to sleep when the receptionist came in the room looking for him. She informed him that there were three girls outside enquiring as to his whereabouts. Balf had no idea what the f*** was going on but wandered out to investigate. When he got outside he discovered it was his and eddys bird outside with another chick, asking why he hadnt called them today! Apologising profusely he promised he would come out for a quiet beer, for an hour or so, as he had to leave for the tour in just over 6 hours. It didnt take a great deal of prompting to get the other two slugs off the living room couches and out the door, and before they knew it, the three fellas were in an upstairs nightclub sipping on beer. The girls could not get over balfs ginger hair/chop combination and his big hands, and all three of them kept stroking his hair and his skin to see what it felt like. The petting was going on for ages and was getting weird when one of the girls pulled out a camera and was trying to get balf into a variety of poses for the lens. Balfs bird was making some pretty blatant sexual inuendos (above and below the table) and making her desire of having balfs baby pretty clear, when it was obvious that all the girls wanted to dance. Now the boys realised if they didnt dance they had no chance of getting into these birds. But they knew if they wanted to dance, then they had to be hammered drunk. So the boys f***en ripped into it, totally shoving their canyon tour in the dont-give-a-f***-right-now basket. After the required amount of pitchers, eddys bird had convinced him up to cut a few shapes. Balf and gus couldnt halt the inevitable, and also made their way up there, redefining the word awkward. In the rush to leave the hostel, balf had only grabbed a pair of canterbury pants with no undies. These were doing very little to hide his half-chubby as a result of the pretty sexual dancing going on, which wasnt going unnoticed by his bird. She was f***ing loving it however and started telling her mates and half the nightclub, which was mildly embarassing for poor old Balf. The pitchers of beer were flowing though and the problem slowly deflated, and the boys were getting more pissed and therefore a little more confident. Gus had to try pretty hard to get into his, but the effort paid off in the end as she was a sexy little number. Time was getting on, and as the 3 couples all hooked up and fondled on a nightclub couch, it was becoming obvious that there wasnt going to be any time for rooting before the boys bus left. Balfs one tried to get him to go into the nightclub bathrooms and bone, but there were too many people about so that didnt work. There was just over an hour before the bus left so the couples all headed back to the hostel to see if the girls could come in for a beer. The receptionist was not keen by any stretch of the imagination, but a bit of silver tongue action was employed (begging), and the girls were allowed in. Balfs one was blatantly playing with his doodle in front of everyone in the living room, and was showing him her mammaries under a hanky-panky blanket. The hostel staff were anally vigilant on the no girls in the rooms policy, so balf and his bird got stealthy and organised a rendevous in the bathroom. It was a pretty dodgy mission but balf got one away in there, packed his bags with the boys and waited outside the hostel for the bus. Before the bus came the lads got dr neutral to take a snap of them with their girls on the hostel doorstep.classic stuff.