Wednesday 28/09/2011

A typically uneventful bus ride was had overnight all the way across the Border into Bolivia, the only advantage was the lads nailing some well-needed sleep. The plan was to stay in Copacabana for the evening and maybe do a mission out to the Isla del Sol on Lake titicaca (highest lake in the world), and cruise on into La Paz the next day. After about an hour waltzing around Copacabana though it was clear the place was a festering s***hole, so the lads jumped on another bus for the short trip to La Paz and the promise of some raucous times. The bus ride skirted Lake Titicaca the whole way and was awesome-the scenery included views of the brilliant blue bays of the Lake, expansive stretches of desert with Llamas and Alpacas grazing, and the snow-capped Andes in the distance. Highlight of the journey though was when the bus had to cross a certain stretch of the lake. Everyone got off the bus before it hit a waiting barge that looked like it was made out of pallets, and was powered by an outboard that couldnt have been more than 20 horsepower. For the barge to take off from the shore, the bus jammed the anchors on and got it shifted.

La Spaz.highest capital city in the world. Helluva town, helluva drug. The next four days were to be spent here, and to be fair, the boys have limited recollections of any chronological order of those four days, as the trip launched itself up a couple of notches. The lads checked into the Wild rover hostel, which was effectively the same setup as the one in cusco, and booked themselves a death road cycling tour for the friday. Then they tore into some tasty white russians at the hostel bar. After a few drinks, balfs s*** internal organs started moaning, so he bailed to bed to perhaps give those antibiotics a chance. The other three had located some dandruff and were charging at the bar, gus having caught the eye of a gringo hunter who seemed keen to have her head put through a wall. As it turned out, gus didnt use a wall, instead opting for the classy setting of a bush outside on the street. The boys then set about trying to locate the infamous bar, route 36. Route 36 is an underground bar in La Paz that constantly changes it venue, and is exclusive to gringos. The attraction of Route 36 is that you can buy cocaine over the bar and then have it bought over to your table on a silver platter. Naturally the lads took to this den of debauchery like ducks to water and didnt leave until well after sun-up.

Thursday 29/09/2011

Balf was obviously feeling the best in the morning, so he had a good waltz around the city and checked out a few different markets and such-like by himself. The witches market was particularly interesting, with "traditional" remedies for a myriad of sexual ailments,including something called "erectile dysfunction". There was also thousands of dried alpaca foetuses hanging from every shop entrance. Back at the hostel, it was up to Balf and gus to get on the piss as Sandall and Eddy were feeling the strain from their mammoth previous evening/morning. Balfs s***-mixer had finally straightened itself out so he was ready to rock and roll. The wheels looked like coming off the operation early on in the peice, when an ozzy Merv Hughes lookalike by the name of Patrick convinced Balf and gus to shoot to the dunny and get rockstar on it. Subtlety was at an all time low, the irish bar manager caught them at it, and told them they had to check out in the morning. Some swift chat from Merv ensured that the boys were allowed to stay, so gus and balf slunk back to the bar and kept their noses clean for a while. The duo followed a small crowd out to a nightclub for the evening and got fairly steamrolled, had a bit of a boogy and gus sniffed out another gringo hunter. He ate face for a bit, then binned her so him and balf could head to route 36. In the filthy little hotbed of sin that is route 36, the two lads quickly lost track of time, and only just made it back to the hostel at 730am in time for their cycling trip down the worlds most dangerous road.

Friday 30/09/2011

Eddy and Sandall were woken in the morning by two very wired up c*** , who were overly excited at their recent purchase of an eight gram bag of gear from a reliable taxi driver at 730 in the morning. At 8 it was straight in the tour van and off for an hour long journey to the start of the dangerous road. To make the road a little safer, the boys hooked into a bit of gear in the back of the van, oblivious to the narcotics check-point the van had to go through on the journey. The tour wasnt actually very dangerous at all, nothing like the talked up version on the top gear episode, but highly entertaining nonetheless. After a few hours of extreme wally symons cycling, they eventually made it to the bottom and gus and balf were having a spectacular downhill experience of their own. They managed to get their way through a feed of chicken and watch sandall and eddy frolick in a swimming pool from the safety of some sun loungers. Eddy and sandall put the hammer down in the van on the way home with the help of an old white friend, and were on their way by the time the van touched down at the wild rover at 8pm. With all of about half an hour of sleep in 36 hours gus and balf managed to join eddy and sandall in a few beverages back at the hostel bar. The hostel had organised an "abc" party (anything but clothes), which was all the encouragement sandall needed to strap a pillowcase from balls to arse with a belt, and dance on the bar to the village people. After balf had ripped the pillowcase off to expose sandalls frightening acorn, sandall ducked off on a mission for a couple of hours to locate some electric puha and dandruff from a canadian couple hed met a couple of evenings previous. The other three delved into bucketloads of piss while watching a few rugby games and before they knew it sandall had returned and it was 530 in the morning. sleep was going to be in no way forthcoming for the lads, so they charged on down the road to their local and really pinned their ears back, this time in the company of a like-minded ozzy joker by the name of nick.

Saturday 01/10/2011

Balf and gus hadnt been to sleep for a couple of days, and with the amount of party enhancer sandall was razzling up at route 36 from 6am until 2pm, they were probably going to chop off some peoples hands with samurai swords as well. Sandall and cocaine-a match made in hell. There was no real let up on the piss either, sandall ordering excessive rounds of long island ice teas, having to fly outside to the atm twice to cover the costs of the lads brand new rockstar existence.At about 2 in the arvo, money had run out once more, so the lads headed out into the glare and made a bee-line for new ozzy pal nicks hostel to see what the bar was like in there. It was pretty quiet, but the crew headed on up to the roof top bbq area to have a drink, a bump and talk some smack. In the interests of not getting caught with illicit drugs, the boys scouted out a place to stash their massive bag, eventually settling on a possie underneath the grill on the outdoor bbq. Within minutes, two staff members rolled up to the bbq area with armloads of food, and set about preparing the bbq for a huge feed. Eddy and balf being helpful gentlemen, hastily sidled over and offered to start the fire for them, quickly rescuing that bag. It had been an extremely close call, so without actually ending up lighting the bbq, the crew got the f*** out of there and charged on back to the wild rover hostels outdoor area and purchased some mammoth white russians each. The boys sat out there keeping out of staffs attention, playing cards and smashing piss until 9 at night. Once it was dark, it was deemed safe to move inside and start smashing more piss at the bar. It ended up being a f***en loose night at the bar, alot of rugby world cup games were on including the All Blacks Canada game, which in the fog of the last few days the boys had forgotten was on. All the hostel staff were hoovering f***loads of gear, and Sandall and gus got busted in the staff quarters by the manager doing lines with some of them. The Manager went f***en ballistic and kicked everyone out, effectively ruining guses night, as he spent the rest of it playing Anne Frank in the room hiding from various security guards. There was absolutely no stopping the other three and Nick though, they all had their dyson vaccuums out, and were going f***ing hard. At 6am it was back down the route 36 again, the owners there pleased to see the lads again in fine form and ready to go. The boys could only stay an hour though, as they had to catch a bus out of La Paz at 8am back to Lima. Who knows how long they would have stayed in that pit had it not been for the wise decision to book a bus a few days earlier.

Sunday 02/10/2011

Sandall and Balf finished off a colossal line each before jumping on the bus which was possibly not the smartest move, paranoia striking deep with all the people around. Gus had the boys on the straight and narrow though, and got the bus sorted out and the vegetables to their seats. It was to going to be a 30+ hour mission back to Lima, so the boys would be able to get their heads right with some sleep, which in the end was a long time coming. In all honesty, the boys were f***en glad to see the back of La Spaz, the attitude at altitude had been ridiculously outrageous. All four agreed that the last week or so had easily been the biggest of their lives, a couple of the boys spending nearly 80 hours awake hammering piss and gears non-stop. There had been no eating for the last three days either, and the boys were shedding clicks faster than Kate Moss. But they survived, and the general concensus was to take things a bit f***en easy for the rest of the trip, before the wheels came off good and proper.

Monday 03/10/2011

It was back to second home Lima again at about 10am, the lads opting for first class again, getting some well-earned rest. They had a flight over to Brazil the following evening so it was a chance for one last night in Lima, and a catch up with some girlfriends. The boys had checked into the point hostel again, receiving a glowing reception from staff there, some of them obviously not sure which way to take the bearded, tui hat wearing addition to the group. The lads spent a quiet day slugging around, getting some much needed chicken and salad into them, before the inevitable occurred. Balf had invited his Lima SCreamer around, who was chomping at the bit to sample some more firecrutch, and eddy had been in touch with his Lima bird that he had met in Cusco ten days or so beforehand. Unfortunately for Sandall, his bird from Cusco (friends with Eduardos one), was tired and unable to take sandalls cock, which was a travesty. He was however able to meet with her the next day before the flight out....

Anyway, eddies bird was an all-round very attractive young lady, whose best feature was quite possibly her double Z milk dispensers. She came round to the hostel and eddy was pretty keen to put her away, as he still wasnt on the board for the trip. It looked like eddy was going to be fishing with dynamite, when after 15 minutes of idle chit-chat at the bar, Eddy and his top-heavy honey headed into the lads room to "do what daddy did to mummy to make me". Once again it wasnt to be though, the boys little polesmoking w***er mate from reception found her in the room and kicked them out, lucky to make it back to reception without receiving the "Edward Special". (This involves the insertion of a fist into the anal cavity right up the throat, then the manipulation of the victims mouth in the manner of a puppet). However, it was early on in the evening so there was going to be ample opportunities for steady eddy to push some lunch back.

As it was a monday night there wasnt a great deal going on, but the boys ripped into some gears and some funnels and got belted. The only place open late on a monday was a bloke-smoker bar, information which balf tactfully omitted in an explanation to Gus and Sandall before a big crew from the hostel headed out. It took Sandall and gus probably about an hour in the establishment to figure it out-this was after sandall had witnessed various rump-ranger couples rubbing stubble, and gus had spent 15 minutes at the bar conversing with a rampant turd-burgling flamer. Guses response to being ribbed for talking to arse bandits was, "you c*** are just jealous cos you didnt get hit on." Anyway the night was swiftly moving on so Balf and his bird (who was grillishly all over him like s*** to a blanket), and eddy with his walking udder headed off to seperate hotels to get down to business. Balfs bird with the fog-horn lungs screamed down the hotel once again-Balf was s***ting bricks as he thought he was going to get the cops called on him for murdering a girl. And Eddy slayed his bird! The mini trudge through the sahara to the oasis had been worth it to unwrap those cannons.

Tuesday 04/10/2011

Gus and Sandall had arrived back at the hostel somewhere between 5 and 6am, and kept drinking and hoovering like men possessed in the company of a few Australian birds. Gus seemed to think he was doing alright with one of them, but it was apparent that sandall was scaring her with some fairly weird conversation. They stayed up until about eleven, before crashing to the scratcher in a complete and utter state. Balf arrived back at the hostel around 1 to find gus in bed and incoherent, and Sandall and Eddie doing their finest impression of David Copperfield. As it turned out, eddie had come back to the hostel to try and wake Sandall up at midday, because their two girlfriends wanted to go out to lunch with them. Anyone who has ever tried to wake sandall will know its no walk in the park, and when eddie had finally succeeded, Sandall was still paralytic. He was still sober enough though to groom his beard and slick his hair back being the image-conscious man that he is, and get out the door to meet his bird at the restaurant. There have been many occassions on the trip where a camera would have documented some hilarious events, had the boys been in possession of one. But to have one handy to film Eddy and sandalls double dating Mad Hatters tea party at a posh seafood restaurant, would have been priceless. Between them, the two girls spoke about as much english as Jerry Collins, and sandall and eddy spoke zero espanol. Sandalls big-canned beauty could however understand the sifty hand touches to the leg under the table, and 15 minutes into the lunch she had disappeared into that mass of sandalls face pubes. Eddy and his sheila quickly followed suit in the face-eating game, in between exchanging bemused glances with some of the respectable elderly patrons who had flooded the restaurant for a quiet tuesday lunch. The drink and frivolities lasted a couple of hours before the thoroughly pleased lads had to slink on back to the hostel to get their flight. Eddies description of sandalls emotional parting with his sheila was also priceless-on the corner of a one-way street, sandall has her picked up with her legs around his waist, and hes just burying his bearded mug in her face in front of busy traffic in broad daylight. gringo-hunters eh? cant be beaten.

The lads were excited about leaving peru, the place had been bloody good to them, but brazil and its b****-stacked beaches were calling. Once again the dozy, half-baked slut at reception, with the couple of sheep short of a back paddock, f***ed their check out again. But the boys had plenty of time up their sleeve so they decided to leave her with some teeth, and headed out to the airport. It had become apparent over the last few weeks that the boys may have been losing a bit of condition so they had a weigh-in at the airport to assess the damage. Justin "I have a bucket-arse" Ormsby clocked in at a measly 76 kilos, Balf and Eddy chimed in with PBs of a lean 86 kilos each, and eleven herbs and spices specialist Sandall, probably broke the scales with a hefty 93. Bring on Rio!