Asian Adventure:Chapter One

Technically this entry covers chapters one through to thirteen, so i guess this is more of an 'Old Testament' than an introduction. For the 6 weeks that ive been here i've been putting off this email and the ardour that it requires, but now i feel sufficiently relaxed enough to channel my energy for the day and guide you through my travels of Asia.

So it all started in Singapore, I must have been one of the few tourists that actually liked the place: they had Topshop, mosques, 6ft tall illuminations, and air that smells like dog biscuits. A bit like Cov really. I arrived there late at night but immediately and enthusiastically began partaking in my personal game to see how many "Herro's" I could gain from the Asians (I still don't tire from this). My hostel was nice and clean (surprising given some of the places ive heard about) with morning wake-up calls at 5am from the local mosque, and also came complete with a middle aged roommate (and i use that term loosely) who declared she was going to travel with me through Asia. Never has the phrase "Its easy to find a travel mate, hard to lose one" rang so true. It took me only 2 days. What does that say about me?!
I did all the things on the 'to-do' list: the night zoo, the orchid garden, people watching, museums until my eyes froze over, local food (ice cream in marble bread being the most intriguing) and Raffles for a Singapore Sling. The setting was like something out of Quincy - colonial, wrought iron, pressed shirts, jazz bands, but not a monkey nut in sight (monkey nut shells in Raffles are the only form of litter allowed in Singapore) - obviously the economic downfall has hit them hard and they can now no longer afford a monkey-nut-shell-sweeper. It broke my heart.

After a few days i took myself and my contraband chewing gum over into Malaysia, where the bus had to wait for me, the token whitey, as i fumbled my way through immigration without completing the forms and managing to lose the card en-route. Within minutes of crossing the border I was ecstatic to see a lemur running down the central reservation, it's like living in a Disney Movie. And i was happy to be back in the developing world, with mudtracks that pass for roads, deathtraps that pass for vehicles, and holes that pass as toilets. My first destination was Melaka - a colonial town (though they all are) where the coach dropped me off outside a hotel -the only complete building above 4 storeys that this town has to offer - and i haphazardly headed towards a guesthouse, being fleeced by a 200metre taxi ride that took a 10km detour, and found myself at the shadiest place $4 can buy:lino floor, foam matress, a swath of material playing at being a curtain, and a view of a building site. It was the sort of place where you don't want to touch anything for fear of contracting a disease. Never have i been so glad to have a sheet sleeping bag. Melaka was funny, strange funny, with miniature windmills, churches, museums that make a graveyard seem like a fun day out, and not much else. I did however learn that earrings protect evil spirits from entering the ear, and that kites are a sign of fertility in China.

Next stop was Kuala Lumpur and the first Asian massage. I still find it hard to enjoy a Malay woman kicking, punching, twisting, and standing on me. I'm sure you only reap benefits a few days later as you're overjoyed that the pain inflicted has started to subside. And still i go back for more. This was also my first encounter with Doctor Fish (not a person, but a type of fish) you put your feet in their tank and the eat off the dead skin, its the strangest sensation i've ever felt. In fact, my year-long traveller feet ensured that every fish in the tank had a three-course meal on me. It was a tad embarrassing to see all the fish swim from other peoples feet to mine as if they were in an olympic race. Some fish enjoyed it so much that they ate the scab off my leg. I felt violated.
KL is home to the Petronas Towers (national oil company), the tallest twin towers, blah blah we got to go up there, after first watching a propaganda video that Hitler would have been proud of, and saw the city from above. It looked like lego. The rest of the time there was spent mainly walking round in circles and getting lost. Oh and visited a temple in the caves (the first of all too many...) with a 50metre tall gold buddha, the caves are inhabited by monkeys, which i have come to discover are actually just glorified, jumping rats. One tried to grab my bag and another one bared its teeth at me (a call for showdown) whilst i was on step #287 (incidently, my years of foot binding did me no good, my feet are still about 3 sizes too big for a single step, making climbing stairs a gymnastic event).

Next stop was the jungle where we met a real life Mowgli, did a hike to some waterfalls (guided by arrows spray painted onto random trees), which after battling through the intense heat for 3 hours turned out to be around 2.5metres high. And full of leeches. We also went on a canopy walk, only in asia would it be acceptable to build a 500metre long walkway from rope and suspend it 40metres in the air and then call it a tourist attraction. Admittedly it was fun to bounce along for the first few minutes, until your saw the slackening of the knots holding it all together. The jungle was sedentary and peaceful and i enjoyed the escape from town life, with the exception of one 'ive been to Cambridge and i know all there possibly is to know in the world'. Except anything to do with common sense. This 'avid hiker' made our days when she tripped, stumbled, slipped and slided about more than a monkey on acid. Now lets see how your head to toe millets gear helps you out.

From here we took a roller coaster journey to the highlands and got to enjoy first hand the delights of our local driver doing his best to overtake on corners, reverse round cliff corners and travel at such a speed it felt like we were going to take off. It was similarly reassuring to see that part of the cliff road had collapsed too. this area is where all the tea plantations and farming things are, so after a brew or two we went on a local tour. We had high tea at a strawberry farm, visited a burrtefly farm, bee farm (starting to get the idea?) and a rose garden (a jumped-up garden centre) we were all getting a bit trigger happy (still cannot work out why) and i was so engrossed in the botany that i didnt notice a wet patch on the floor, i slipped, slo-mo style-and, not wanting to break camera #3, did a roll into the plants to cushion my fall. My quick thinking failed to acknowledge that said plant was infact a family of cacti. Cue me and the local man spending the next 20minutes picking spines out of my body. Another 'you've been framed' moment slipped away.

The next destination marked the beginning of the island hopping along the coast of malaysia and into Thailand. Beaches are now synonomous with reggae, fire skipping, fire spinning, fire throwing, the smell of petrol, and beer. There's been quite a few characters including an elderly Chinese man with dreadlocks to his knees (that smelt very bad) and whom sleep-shouted all night long. An old malay taxi driver - with his 20something yr old girlfriend- telling us how the young make better lovers, and a man who asked so many questions but talked so much he amswered them for you. I do like the schizophrenic traveller.
There;'s been a fair few messy nights along the way too. Whoever thought selling litres of alcohol at a bar was a good idea? Whoever it was, i salute you! There's nothing like 2litres of dark rum to fuel the evening. After one such night i found myself chasing frogs, and helping break into someones room with my credit card after they lost their key. First time lucky, or skills subliminally learnt at Cardinal Wiseman? The latter probably.

Thailand is everything you expect it to be: beaches, buckets, and ladyboys. The towns have all been quaint with wooden shacks, electricity cables hanging like decorations, palm trees, and thankfully not too many stray dogs (i never did get that rabies jab...). I've managed to befriend the locals (i attract at least one small child per day-my favourite being a girl wider than she was taller who took endless enjoyment in jumping on me, effectively pinning me to the ground...bullied by a 4year old...). We went to a local Muay Thai match, at first i didnt like it, in fact i was nearly sick and felt like i wa going to faint in just the first round, but by the end i was cheering like a local, we saw a guys leg muscle pop out of joint, another one with a cut in his head (and it being stiched up on the restaurant table) and then a guy pass out in the ring. Good, honest, clean fun.

We've been fully embracing the full moon/half moon/total eclipse jaffa cake parties, and the associated buckets of whiskey (maybe),and then the obvious 'hangovers of death'. We've been snorkeling with sharks, the first sight was really good, and then i just wanted to get out of the water! Did a bit of cliff jumping, went on a thai cooking course (prepare your stomach), and just did my diving course, in preparation of being a shopping trolley locator upon my return. Last night we travelled from the island, catching a taxi, ferry, coach, sleeper train (it was the best thing ever, what i imagine a moving air raid shelter would be like), then at 4am we got off the train, got a lift on a motorbike (with 20kg of luggage) and then another coach...and finally we're here, sat on the river Kwai, overlooking an old POW camp and heading for history lesson that could only be rivalled by Mr Denny...