Our adventure in Bali continues. Some random things we have discovered:

1. A PI injury lawyer would have a field day with the state of the pavements here. Nearly lost the waif a couple of times down the sewage holes. Fortunately my newly enlarged Budda gut as Anna likes to remind me, means I don't have to worry about "slipping down".
2. The main religion here is a mix of Hinduism and Buddhism and they leave little offerings each morning to their Gods to keep evil spirits away.
3. Are you getting bored?... you want to hear stories like how I got a load of sh*t tipped over me don't you?

Well funnily enough it happened this morning. Walking along the road, minding my own business with Anna, fully factor 50 waxed up, cap on, moving like a vampire from shadow to shadow and suddenly a car pulls up trying a reverse park. Stupid cow in the car backs right into this cone thing that is full of sewage. It goes flying in the air, lands at my feet and a load of Balinese sh*t covers me from head to toe. You couldn't make this up. I was not a happy bunny. Anna was all over me with a baby wipe which wasn't doing much good - best pair of shorts and one of my favourite FC tops ruined. I just remember saying "I want to go home now". In a daze, back to the room for a change of clothing and a good mouthwash. Ignored all Hellos on the way back. Well pi**ed off.

This came after a most relaxing back massage on top of Nirvana restaurant. Can you imagine a massage parlour on top of the OBT? Well, when I get back I'm campaigning for one and I'll make sure Ellie gives one to Karl.

Myself and Anna went in together - stripped off and let the Balinese girls do the business for £3 each. I'm really "digging" these Asian chicks. If only I could find an Asian Anna (or Annnnaaah as it would be out here, maybe I could do a swap and no one would notice) .....

Ohhh, feeling those hands all over me, exploring my pale desert landscape of a back, searching for that oasis, rubbing me down, prodding and pinching me, delving into my manhood and bringing my deepest, darkest fantasies and longings to the surface like a volcano that was ready to spurt. BOOM! my vision went blurry, I was panting hard ........... ( yes I was the ghost writer for fifty shades).

In other words, it was pretty good, although I got sight of the girls weird splayed foot when I was lying there like a fish in a net. It put me off - reminded me of a duck's foot.

The one with the weird foot asked me if I wanted to see the "extras" menu. One things for sure, I wouldn't have a pedicure from her. In any case. Anna wouldn't let me see the menu. Spoilsport. I'm going back for the "full body massage" tomorrow if you get my drift .... Anna isn't. Will request someone with a normal foot though.

Nothing much else to report other than we have had two fantastic meals - last night and tonight at Nirvana and Ultimo respectively. For sheer value they would each rate as a 5 on the BJ* scale (see previous blog entry for an explanation of the ratings system).

Also went back to Ku de Tar bar and Anna got "on the decks" (see photo). Bit of a monsoon before when we were chilling by the pool and it rained all night (though its still very warm).

The service and people here are fantastic and call us gullible, but we actually genuinely believe they mean it. I might post another pretentious blog comparing East to West later. Suffice to say, these people are pretty poor but they always seem happy, are very friendly and great fun to be around, which is a refreshing change.

We just tipped the concierge before - about 3 quid and he was buzzing - "ohhh Mr Andrew ...". Think I have made a friend for life.

Tomorrow we have hired our own driver to ferry us around southern Bali and are going to have a look at some temples. Cost - about 30 quid for the day (the driver waits around for you and is at your beck and call). Will be good to get out and about a bit. Seminyak is really cool but its obviously not the "real" Bali - it's an upmarket resort to cater for Westerners. Which is fine - it's a cut above most of the sh*t you get in European "resorts" these days.

Time for bed - Selamat Malam. Hope you are enjoying the snow or drizzle ....

___________________________________

*The BJ ratings system has been copyrighted and must not be used without the prior consent of the Author. A more detailed explanation of the ratings system is available upon request.