3 Bungys, A Luge and A Labyrinth

Fresh from our time down in Milford Sound we headed back the way we came. Once again someone who shall remain nameless put in an almighty shift and drove the whole way from Milford Sound to Queenstown. Now even thought its only 350km, there isn't one stretch of that road that's straight. It's either, up/down a mountain or winding round corners and even with the spirit of Colin McRae steering us, it still takes about 5 hours. The final 40km drive into Queenstown though was a treat, the road runs up alongside a stretch of mountains called 'The Remarkables'. The snaking road offered amazing views of Lake Wakatipu from a lofty position that was towering rock face on one side and cliff drops on the other, one mistake here and it was 'good night Vienna'. We obviously came through unscathed gradually glided into the town and parked up next to the lake front just in time for tea.

The following morning was our day in Queenstown. Queenstown is the adrenaline capital of the world and there is literally every sort of fear inducing activity on offer. We drove on through the small town awash with hippies, backpackers, travellers and that one white dickhead with dreadlocks and a Bob Marley t-shirt. We were heading once again to a Gondola, seriously we're loving the cable cars, we've been on like 5 since we left Blighty. Melanie is now well and truly over her reluctance to go on one and almost insists we take a ride up the 'Ben Lomond Reserve' to the viewpoint. We weren't just going up there to see the sights though this skyline had a Luge Track. So after gradually rising some 500meters up the hill we went off and explored the skyline centre. We were hunting for the Luge track. Luging is essentially gravity powered go-karting. Get in a little sledge with wheels and steer yourself down a big hill with twists, turns and tunnels. An added bonus was that the Luge track was wide enough for some races and after a quick cup of tea we went and got booked in. The track was another 50meters up the hill and a lovely little ski lift carried us all the way. Helmets on, tutorial over and were lining up at the top of the track on quite a steep hill. Stern glances are exchanged and a mental countdown begins. 3....2......And off Declan goes leaving Melanie at the top of the hill aghast with his trickery. Being a sport he slows and waits for her, or at least he gave her that impression for as soon as she had gained some momentum he was off again in a frantic dash to the finish line. When a comfortable lead had been made Declan stopped and snapped some pictures of Schumacher Shrive hurtling down the hill with purpose. Not wanting to lose 1st place he took off again just before she caught up. Eventually we both made it to the bottom and decided that once just wasn't enough, so back in the ski lift we climbed and up we went to go again. This time we opted for the experienced track and Declan once again shot off at the beginning so he could win. This time though he thought he could capture a video of Speed Racer and as he was doing so, she overtook him with an impassioned chuckle. Declan let loose the sledge with all he had but no matter what he tried he couldn't get round Mels cart. At the bottom of the track we decided that it was probably best to leave it tied at 1 all or we'd be there all day, something we couldn't afford to do as someone had a date with a bungy rope.

So after another lovely trip down the cable car we clamber back into the van, Mel has a small altercation in the car park with an impatient kiwi (not the bird, an actual New Zealander) and we head on our way out of Queenstown. Destination, Kawarau Bridge, home of the world's first bungy. Now many may have noticed that the spelling of bungy is different from the actual spelling, bungee. This is because the modern day pioneer changed the spelling to include the letter y. Why did he do this, well 'y' would you want to jump off a bridge was his thoughts. In 1987 A.J. Hackett took an age old ritual from the Indonesians, modernised it and made it safe. He then took himself off around the world with a bunch of friends, throwing himself off bridges, buildings and even the Eiffel Tower. He became quite the celebrity from these stunts and decided to set up a platform on the Kawarau Bridge, the first of many he dotted around NZ and then the world. Anyway, AJ wasn't the one throwing himself off the bridge this day, that task fell to Dangerous Daredevil Dec. Triple D as he now calls himself was gearing up for the jump all the way to the Bridge. He doesn't really call himself Triple D although the nickname could make more sense when you hear what happened when we got there. So after signing away all worldly possessions and being weighed for the jump he sauntered off along the bridge leaving Melanie to video/photo the whole thing from a lovely viewing platform. The jump platform was staffed by some hippie looking gap year kids and this encouraged Declan somewhat. After being ran through the safety stuff and popping on a harness Dec was happily sitting getting his feet attached to the bungy rope, the question then came "do you want to go in the water?" "Yeah of course, ill need something to wash the sweat off my brow" came the response. "No worries, 1 dunk coming right up"

Camera time then came after the semi embarrassing shuffle that everyone has to make getting out onto the edge of the ledge. Smile for the cameras, all 5 of them. At this point all you can do is smile, the video is being played on a massive screen inside the Bungy shop, there are about 4 different feeds and about 100 people watching from various positions. Then jump time came. "If you're scared, just step off" came the voice of the instructor from behind. Mate, you have a Gary Neville moustache, I don't need tips, I've been throwing myself off dangerous things for some time now and this is by far the safest I've ever been.

3....................2...................1.....................Off goes Griffin with an almighty leap from the platform. Some people said it was Tom Daly-esque. Others were just astonished by the sheer balls of it. Not many people jump up and out from the ledge with such ferocity. But it was important that Triple D showed 'Gary Neville tache' who he was dealing with. The flight through the air was quickly followed by the descent into the valley and the impending crash into the cold icy water of the Kawarau River. Down he goes, down some more, then down a tiny bit more, the rope stops being slack and it starts extending towards the river. Arms go up (which was actually down) ready for the splash. The Splash never came. The goddamn rope was slightly too short, fingertips away from the river the instructor in the boat said as he tried to catch Declan with a pole and pull him into a boat.

After being untied there was a long walk back up to the top of the valley. Happy that he'd finally done a bungy he waltzed into the centre and found Mel waiting with a big grin and a well done hug. We went back to the counter and asked to see the video and photos and were preparing to go on our way. This however is not where the bungy jump story ends as the lovely Mexican women in charge of the video/photo section said there was a problem with the feeds and the video wasn't recorded. Ahhhhh man, that's an anti climax we thought." You can jump again if you would like? No charge". Well Triple D hadn't come all this way not to get video evidence of his jump. Checks and paperwork done again, walk to the bridge, harnessed up, shuffled to the edge. "You want to get dunked this time?" came the voice of a new more convincing looking man "Yes" came the response once again. "I don't miss" said with a tone that was convincing and yet disturbing.

Out now on the ledge came a feeling that the last jump would have to be bested. The pressure was on. Then came the realisation that pressure.....well pressure is for tyres. Jump, you know it'll look great. Expert jump yet again. Gravity then did its job once again, thankfully! Declan's face came rushing towards the water again. Arms up ready for the splash.

NO SPLASH!!!!!!!!

Damp finger tips proved it was close, but not close enough. And a slightly deflated Declan dangled there waiting to be recovered by a man in a boat with a big stick.

Then a voice bellowed down the valley "Declan come straight back up, you're getting dunked before you leave!!!!" Back up the big ass hill once again. Strapped in, shuffled out. Double D was about to become Triple D. "Mate you're the luckiest guy here all day, no1 gets 2 free jumps" Lucky isn't the word Declan was thinking of. "Now here's the rope from the last jump, you're probably going to need about another 4 foot of slack" " 4ft will have me in up to my knees, I only wanna get a bit wet" "yeah you'll be alright"

Spectacular jump! Professional gravity assisted fall! Arms up (down: see above)!

O Holy Jesus was that water cold, and Triple D would know, he went all the way in it! Cheers and whoops from above and a very happy guy holding a pole in a boat. The soppy trudge up the hill wasn't done with as much speed as the two previous climbs as soaking wet jeans wouldn't allow for it. No hug from Mel this time, but a lovely bottle of cider. Mexican woman gave the thumbs up for the video and after watching a couple Mel had convinced to tandem jump we set off on our merry way.

Elated from the bungy jumps we set off once more up the country with no time to dilly dally. Or so we thought. French people once again being the reason for the delay. This time though we showed some comradery and helped a couple get their campervan off a boulder that they had somehow failed to notice and drove straight up. We didn't stick around for the French strewn argument they would inevitably have, 'Sacre Bleu'.

We continued up the highway until we came to the historic town called Arrowtown. We parked up here and had a wonder about as it is an old gold mining town that has been untouched by the modern way of life and retains all its rustic charm. After fuelling up in the 'Remarkable Sweet Shop' we had a quick attempt at panning for gold, with no luck, before we set off again.

Our next port of call was the Lakeside town of Wanaka. You may have noticed the theme of towns being by lakesides, but there are lots of lakes in New Zealand, and all the other flat ground has sheep on it. The town of Wanaka can be reached 2 ways, the first being to head east and go round a big group of mountains known as the Crown range. The second is to drive up the highest road in NZ for about 5km until you reach the summit, and then take the long winding road all the way through the Cardrona valley. We opted for route 2!! Melanie took to the wheel and chugged all the way up the snaking mountain pass with ease. Even though there were some tricky parts, including a vicious hill start that nearly had us toppling all the way back down again, we made it to the top, some 1200 meters, in one piece. The road down was sublime, being nowhere near as steep as the road up we cruised down on through the valley. In winter both sides of the valley are covered in snow and make the Cardrona valley a top spot for ski holidays, it being summer, pretty much all the resorts were closed, for obvious reasons?!?! There wasn't much more to do that day once we got to Wanaka, so we sat by the lake and got drunk, we are after all, on holiday.

On the agenda the following day was a lovely drive up through the west coast to Glacier country. After setting out from Wanaka, which is a lovely little town by the way, we got slightly sidetracked. By sidetracked we mean lost, not normal lost, intentionally lost. We stopped off at Puzzling World. Puzzling World has been celebrating the strange, eccentric world of optical illusions and mind-bending mysteries for 40 years. We only decided to stop here because of the 'famous' leaning tower but we were then somehow sucked in by the unique attractions including 5 illusion rooms, with holograms and visual tricky set to confuse and amuse. The 5 different rooms had some quite baffling optical illusions including one that allowed Melanie to shrink herself down like Alice in Wonderland. Others included a river that flowed up hill, next to a giant steel ball just floating all by itself. The rooms were an amusing workout for the old grey matter, especially as someone was carrying a massive hangover around with them, but the real fun was had in the Labyrinth.

The Labyrinth is the world's first multi level maze. It was absolutely massive, some 3km long in total and because 'someone' thought it would be easy, we opted for the difficult challenge. The difficult challenge sounded very simple at the entrance. Make your way to all 4 towers in colour order, yellow, blue, red, green. Simple. The Labyrinth's twist on the standard maze is that it has elevated walkways which look like they could be of use in helping the challengers map out a route. This isn't the case. Initially we set off in different directions and made it a little game to see who could get to the yellow tower first. After wandering about for about 30MINUTES!! We eventually found each other again....by accident... and decided to join forces in order to get to the first tower. 2 heads are better than one they say..........Well it took us an HOUR at least to get to that first tower. We were starting to think that this thing was designed to keep criminals contained, not entertain kids for a few hours. First tower reached and 3 to go. Off we went up and over bridges , round and down walkways, up and over panels, dead end after dead end. The insanity of the maze was starting to get to us. We passed an old lady with a Beatles World Tour 73' T-shirt on, mumbling to herself about wasting her life. Unperturbed we trudged on, the second tower always in our sights and yet never actually getting any closer. Some 20 minutes after leaving the first tower, we conquered the second. With the blazing sun and the now total lack of water and supplies a look was exchanged between our two heroes. The Clash's song popped into both their heads. 'Should I stay or should I go now??'.

Life lesson number 23. Winners never quit and quitters never win!!!!

We journeyed on, all out of breadcrumbs and going ever deeper into the maze until we finally cracked her devilish secret. It was quite simply really. In order to get to a tower you must first wander round like a headless chicken until total and utter blind luck has you standing in front of it!! No that wasn't the real secret, all you had to do was %$&*"£%@?>!"$"£$% (translation, go spend 3 hours and work it out yourself).

We weren't in their three hours but we did eventually find our way to all four towers and then out again. Back in the van, having aged somewhat we set off again up the mountain road to the glaciers. The Glacier road was long, really long, and full of one way sections and difficult mountain passes. The road took us out of the centre of the south island and on to the west coast to then take us back in again. It took four long hours to get through the Haast Pass as its known. We were lucky to have gotten through at the time we did too as we were later told that they had shut the pass after a rock slide. We eventually made it into the heart of Glacier country and drove into the town of Fox Glacier. Fox Glacier is the smaller of the two main glaciers in the region and the last stop for goods and petrol before Franz Josef, our target town. Now we should have heeded some of this advice, it's written on large signs as you drive through the town. LAST STOP FOR PETROL BEFORE FRANZ. There were at least three of them on the road we were driving down. However, the driver, who will once again remain nameless, didn't think to look down at the needle at any point. About 5km out of the town and halfway up a steep mountain road the light came on, in both the drivers head and on the petrol gauge.

"Oh s***"

Now you may remember a story very similar to this from our travels down the East coast of Oz. The funny story of how we pretty much chugged into a town after a bum tickling time driving down the Bruce Highway on fumes. Well this story is alot worse.

First off, we were alot further away from town than the reserve tank would take us. Secondly, we couldn't turn around as were driving up and down narrow mountain roads and the van is 6 meters long. And thirdly, being a 6 meter long transit, with a shower and toilet and all the lovely mod-cons mentioned previously, including a fresh water and grey water tank, we weighed about 5TONS. This thing drinks like a fish. Trying to remain calm under those three facts would have been a task enough in itself. The whole situation was then made worse as the nameless driver decided the best way to overcome all these problems was to drive faster.

Yes, it appeared Jeremy Clarkson had taken up a shift in the driver seat as we powered up hills and round corners. The driver then even wasted more fuel by accelerating down the few hills we came across. 15 km corners were taken at about 50 launching items out of cupboards. On the hills the gears were dropped so the speed could remain at 100, sending everything rolling down to the back doors with a crash. Pretty much everything you could do to waste more fuel was being done. There was even the suggestion that the A/C should go on. The needle was about an inch below 'E' when we finally caught a sign that read 'Franz Josef 20km' and this is where an intervention happened. Funnily enough this intervention coincided with the latch on the fridge breaking and the entire contents of the fridge spilling out on to the floor of the van.

Just so you know where we're at, everything we now own is out of its place in the back of the van due to the insane cornering that has been going down.

"STOP" a meek voice let out as they saw an opening in the road appear. The meek voice then proceeded to replace the fridge items and some of the larger debris in the 'living area'.

"You're driving like an utter maniac. If there is any hope in making it to Franz you have to stop driving like you're a character from Mario Kart. Time is not a factor here, fuel is, slow and steady wins the race."

"You're right" said the driver as it finally dawned on them that that speed wasn't the only way out of this situation. It was squeaky bum time for a nail biting 20km, we used our combined knowledge of 'good driving practices' to gently roll our way into Franz Josef. Never has a petrol station been a more welcome sight. We filled up and found a campsite. After finally parking up we breathed a massive sigh of relief.

'Never would we let this happen again' was the oath we declared while celebrating with a shaken up Carlsberg. The rest of the evening was spent putting everything that came crashing out the cupboards back in its place and preparing for our Heli-Hike.

Words to the wise..................................Don't let Mel drive!!!