Would you like some Crutchless pants madam, he said with a smirk on his face. "Just give me a pair that fit" I said sweetly, thinking 'you little squirt!' Dressed in a pair of over trousers, boots, jacket, gloves and hat, all stinking of stale p***, I boarded the bus to head towards the Franz Joseph Glacier. I sat in amongst a group of Irish friends who were travelling with the 'Kiwi Experience' which translates to the 'Green bus of lurve...' if you know what I mean. Anyway, I had an entertaining trip to the base of the Glacier listening to them rip shreds from eachother about who 'got off' with who's girlfriend/fella/pet/all of the above, the night before. The glacier was truely spectacular, really amazing and so vast that the pictures simply do not do it justice. Because of the situation of the Glacier and the way the mountains surround it, our eyes play tricks on us in terms of distances. A complete optical illusion. What looks 10 mins away was actually one and half hours ( a little like the journey from Longs to Walkabout when it's raining and 'my feet hurt'), being the base of the glacier. So we trundled along, I felt more like a smelly Crusty the Clown in my big boots than a classy chick (not comments please!) Anyway, once next to the glacier we were given our crampons and ice axe. What fun that was. The trek was just amazing, the views and sheer power of the glacier within the mountains just took my breath away. I never fell while I had the crampons on (I fell 3 times when i took them off though, doh!), they make it very easy to walk but a couple of our group fell through thin ice into pools of freezing water, nasty. There was even some dumb ar*e who stripped off and jumped in. She was from another group. Obviously all the boys oggled but the only comment muttered was 'silly b****' and 'I don't like her underwear very much', which I thought was highly amusing. As we passed through a Crevace (though I like to call it a crevice) a few German lads were behind me. I heard the guide ask their nationality and then say 'oh you're German, do you like David Hasslehoff!' ha ha, he was serious. The boys said 'errm no' in an accent that sounded more English than mine. I laughed out loud but soon got my payback as at that very moment a large piece of ice, about the size of a soup bowl gave way above me and knocked me square on the top of my head. I swore....alot. The hike was just amazing though. The following day Bex, Gem and I travelled to Wanaka, which is a lovely little ski resort, we wondered for a bit and then decided to go to the pub to sort some paper work out and have a coffee. 4 mulled wines and 2 large vodkas each later we giggled out the pub and headed back to our hostel. I didn't ski here as I've already skied on the North Island (plus I missed the shuttle bus bookings) but a good job as it was an awful day and the visability was bloody terrible in the end. So I went for a run instead. Wanaka is just beautiful and I ran around the lake, surrounded but snow capped mountains as the sun rose, I just wanted to turn up my sensory receptors to the max and embrace every moment/feeling. Arrival to Queenstown was uneventful except its now so cold (and i have no coat) that I'm wearing 7 layers (at last count) plus scarf, hat and gloves. I now look like Waynetta, I just need the fag out of my mouth and the Wayne by my side now. I looked scary I can tell you. Early the next day we got up in the snow and trekked to the bus stop, shivering. We bused to Milford Sound and it took 4 hours! 4 hours , freezing on a bus, only to then have a 2 hour cruise, looking at some hills in the Ocean and then 4 hours back, to top it off we had to listen to the driver whitter on through his mike about the history of this and the history of that, he was only about 12 himself. I pulled my beanie over my eyes, turned up the pod, crossed my arms, tried to snooze and ignore my bulging bladder.... - for the love of god, and I paid for that little lot! I realise I'm sounding like a spoiled brat now, the scenery is amazing but there is such a thing as sensory overload..... Needless to say, the girls and I were ready for a good stiff one (ahem) and a good nights sleep following that. 3/4 bottle of vodka later and some random chit chat we retired. HOUSTON WE HAVE A SNORER! Oh boy do we have a snorer. After several hours of fantasising about stabbing said snorer in the head with an ice axe we woke and got up bleary eyed and pi**ed off. Today, tired or not, we decided to trek up a small mountain to get the views of Queenstown. 'Would ja lik me big pole?' said this Irish guy. 'ohhh' I thought for a moment and then realised he was offering me his hiking stick thinging. 'Do I look so rubbish at hiking that i need a pole' I thought, I took it to be polite. Well....what did he know. 'Ahbejesus!', I'd been a 'forking eejit' thinking I could make it up there easily. Much of it was covered in snow without any proper trail to follow. We, of course managed it though. And it was well worth it for the views, take a look at the pictures. That night, knackered as i'm sure you can imagine. 'Yum, yum a good nights sleep'. zzzzz.... Boy from bed 1 turns up at 3.30am, he has a chat with Irish girl from bed 3 about his latest infidelity crisis (which we all listen to) and finally he shuts up. ahhhh, lovely, zzzzzzzzzz. 5.30am, snorer from previous night arrives back, with random girl. After several minutes of giggles, toe stubbing in the dark followed by loud 'oh facks' and extra loud 'shhhhhh, we'll wake everyone ha ha' they finally got into bed....into the bunk below me. ....and then it started, the slurping, the kissing, the fumbling and fiddling around. 'Oh please god no', don't start that when there are 5 people less than 3 meters away from you in any direction...... Awful. Bex was lucky and already had her ear plugs at the ready but I was frozen to the spot, I couldn't wonder around the room looking for mine when all that funny busines was going on. At 6.30am we had silence...'thank you god'. 7am someone's alarm sounds and I am ready to commit 1st degree murder. 8am we have quiet......10am we have a cleaning lady who is smashing the hoover against the door. I could almost hear her thinking 'wake up you lazy bast**ds'....b****. Oh the joys of staying in a shared dorm huh.... Saturday night we put on our glad rags, complete with peed on inca trail trainers and hit the town. We ended up in a 'tea pot' bar. Sounds fun huh? it was. They serve cocktails in tea pots and shot glasses for cups. Several Long Island Ice teas, vodka's and shots of tequila later I was flooded with very fond memories of cocktails and tequilas in Mackenzies. I do love L.I.I.Teas and I LOVE tequila, just not the hangover. Bex had more than me and fell over in one of the bars and so we got our beer coats on and caught the beer scooter home, as you do. We left Gem 'chatting' to her 'boyfriend' from Finland..... After only a few mins sat by the big while telephone I managed to put her to bed. 'That should have been me god damn it! I must be slipping, more tequila next time or perhaps add some wine to the mix and maybe an empty stomach just to be sure?? hee. Sunday was spent recovering from a hangover (only a grade 1/2 for me) so I got a juice and hit the gym for a spin class and a run. The spin class was ace, they turned the lights off so we were in darkenss, wacked the music up, instructor was yelling and we were sweating. Then just as the music really kicked in a great big disco ball lit up and the room filled with strobe lights. It was brilliant, what a damn good idea, so you think they'll let us do that in Nationwide Gym of a lunchtime?.... Dunedin is a beautful city with a lot of Scottish influence. We went to lunch with a random family that we met up North, who showed us emense interest because Gran originated from Stafford, which is where Bex is from. All very random but most pleasant. We also gymed and swam a couple of times. Although I only had my bikini so I was at risk of losing or escaping at any given time. My journey to Christchurch was thankfully uneventful and the drive was quiet to, bonus! The journey became more and more English as we went, beautiful rolling hills and sunny countryside. I could have been driving through the Cotswolds at any point, it was the cows sniffing each others butts that reminded me of it. My time in Christchurch will be spent doing the tourist thing, chilling, exercising and getting myself ready to change countries on Friday, when I hit Sydney. Bring on the nice weather, I wish to lose my Waynetta look now and my pee stinking trainers, may they R.I.P.... My best moment so far?.......feeling my freedom. Love you guys x