I had a plan for the morning, nice and leisurely. Walk across town, get a nice bacon and egg butty in Jacks Cafe, leisurely walk back, stop off at the supermarket, get some bananas and some water for the journey, back to the hostel, cup of tea and spend an hour on internet before popping off to the bus station around noon.

Nice.

Nope, that is not how it happened.

So I got up and headed down to see Marlon to get my bus ticket but he was unusually not around, but his colleague was running the tour desk.

Can I have my bus ticket please, I asked, Marlon was picking it up two days ago.

She opened the file with all the tickets in and went through it.....

Surprise surprise no ticket.

Actually I was surprised as I had done loads of things through Marlon and he was always on the ball, so I was not actually worried at that point.

Marlon must have it she said, dont worry he is due here around 10.

Fair enough, but I could not remember if the bus went at two or twelve, so I needed to know to try plan my day. She tried to call him as I could not remember which bus company it was, but no answer.

I did not want to miss him, so got showered and packed up ready for ten for Marlon coming.

I can go out as soon as he comes I thought, so sat in the lobby checking my emails.

Half ten came and went, so I thought I better chase it up. Its only a small hostel, so I popped my head around the door in the tour office but no one was there. I shouted for the woman who did the housekeeping so she could call Marlon, but all was quiet.

I was home alone! There was no one in the hostel at all.

I checked all the rooms and the place was deserted. Oh well she must have popped out. I will give it ten minutes.

By 11am I was having kittens. Still no sign of Marlon and my ticket.

If my bus was at 12 then I needed to get moving as they do it a bit like the airline in that you have to check in and drop your bag off and then you have to pay a tax and get your ticket stamped, so you need to be there at least half an hour before. Plus the traffic is always chaos and I had no idea how far the station was away.

Then I heard all the phones ringing in the office and the mobile phone for the manager had been left on the desk and was ringing as well.

I really don't like to interfere or appear nosey, but I was hoping it might be Marlon calling so thought sod it and went behind the travel desk and started answering the phones.

None of them were Marlon just people speaking lots of Spanish at me. I just said Marlon was not here in my best Spanish and then wondered what the hell to do next.

Then I remembered Marlon had given me his number for the Machu Picchu tour, but I had binned it the night before. I checked the bin and saw it under a load of egg shells and fruit peelings.

Yuk I thought as I scooped it out.

I sat behind the desk again and tried using the phone but it kept telling me error. I grabbed the mobile and went through the memory but could not find a match, nor could I dial from that either. I tried dialling 9 first the zero then every other combination I could think of but still no luck.

It was now half eleven. I was in a frenzy.

I know, I will call his sister in Arequipa at the hostel, that will really get the alarm bells ringing.

Luckily she was there and I explained I was alone in the hostel and was about to miss my bus and where the hell was everyone and I needed Marlon Now!

She could not believe no one was in the hostel and said she would get on it.

Next minute the tour office phone rang so I answered. It was his sister.

I told you there was no one here I said laughing, I think she could still not believe it.

Then the mobile rang, so I answered that as well. Yep it was her again. Now she really believed me.

It was now quarter to 12.

My tactic had clearly worked.

Next minute the woman from the tour office ran in closely followed by the manager.

Amigo your bus is at 12, I am very sorry.

That was it then, no bus today I thought. I was fuming as I had already booked a connection the day after as well to Ecuador.

Come on Amigo we need to get taxi now she panted.

But the bus is going in five minutes, we will never make it I said.

No no, I mean 12.30, your bus is at 12.30 we need to go for bus at 12, come hurry amigo, Marlon will meet you at bus station.

It was like history repeating itself all over again from the canyon tour.

I was all packed as we dashed in to the street and hailed down a taxi.

So much for my leisurely morning, I did not even have any water.

Luckily the bus station was not far away so I was there for ten past as I hunted for Marlon. He is such a nice guy it was hard to be angry with him, plus I knew he was genuinely upset over the issue.

I had got to know him really well as I had chatted with him every day for over a week now.

I found him and he gave me a hug as if he not seen me for five years.

We dropped the bag off and I was all good to go with ten minutes to spare. I even had time to buy some water, but sadly no bananas.

He had booked me the best seat on the bus at the top on the front. Life was good again I thought as I kicked off my smelly shoes and relaxed in my nice big VIP chair as we set off.

The bus journey was not so bad, but how he made it around some of the bends at the speed he was going was beyond me. It was like being a passenger with Cliffy driving my Porsche around the Nurburgring again as I had pole position view from the front as I dug my fingers in to the seat and shut my eyes.

It soon got dark so eventually the curtains were closed and I could just hear the shred of tyres and got thrown from side to side without seeing the bends. It was slightly better at best.

The man sat next to me was very nice and kept talking to me non stop in Spanish. no Comprende I told him. manchester United.

Well that was it. For the next 22 hours he just kept looking across and shouting manchester united and laughing. At least he was not American.

I managed to get some bananas at one of the stops so was happy. You can never have too many bananas.

As is the case all the bus companies have their own depot in the middle of nowhere on the outskirts of town, so you have little choice other than to get a taxi, i.e. get fleeced.

I looked on my phone to see where we were and it looked quite away away from the hostel, plus the traffic was horrendous, so when he asked for 20 I just agreed. I guessed it was probably 10 but he had been allowed inside the bus station so at least I knew he was legitimate. For the sake of 2 quid I did not want to risk getting someone unlicensed which can happen alot.

He seemed like a fiendly old boy as he raced through the streets like Shumacher. When we got near the hostel it was on a main street so he was not supposed to stop, but he did. As I struggled with my bags all the buses and cars were honking at him like mad. I gave him twenty and then he started shouting at me.

25! 25!

You greedy old b****** I thought.

The journey had definitely been 10 at best. I had another 5 in my pocket but there was no way he was getting it.

I knew he would have to move in a second because of the traffic so just stood there smiling at him.

Manchester United I shouted, smiled and gave him the thumbs up and just walked off. a*******.

He soon moved.

Hostel was fine, but as usual someone was fast asleep in the dorm so I had to tiptoe around.

I had booked in close to the town centre and had a wander up. I was amazed just how modern it all felt, you could have easily have been in London.

Everyone told me how dangerous it was in the centre, and I should have booked in Miraflores next to the sea. Too late now, anyhow if I give them the tough guy look I will be fine..... surely??

Luis had told me i had to visit the catacombs under the San Franciso church, plus the hostel had mentioned it as well. Mind you, the hostel had also mentioned some nice places to eat by the river, but when I got there the river was just a building site as they were building a tunnel under it. Plus it was not exactly the South Bank.

I noticed walking past the cinema that hangover 3 was showing so decided to call in on the way back.

I eventually found the Church, no thanks to the hostel map that was wrong and paid my 2 quid and waited for the tour.

For a religion that tells you money is the route of all evil, there sure was alot of italian marble, Spanish Cedarwood, Gold, Gold leaf and silver. I guess it's only evil if you are poor eh? Can't think why I am an aetheist.

Anyhow I put up with all the bulls*** just waiting for the catacombs.

Now for someone who Is getting a bit claustrophobic in his old age I realised as we started to go down the tiny dark tunnel that it may not have been such a good idea.

As we went deeper and deeper and they started showing you hundreds of skulls and skeletons I realised it was a crazy idea and wanted out.

No, the tour guide shouts in joy. Thats only a fraction of the skeletons....... here is a huge mass grave showing us a massive well filled with skulls and bones. We reckon there are 25,000 bodies here she said all proud.

Holy s*** I am gonna have nightmares tonight I thought. Talk about macabre.

I thought I was looking at the architecture, not dead bodies.

Anyhow I managed to survive and shot off at the end. Sorry Jesus, I am going to have to give the gift shop a miss.

I am not sure if the place actually seemed more menacing in the dark, or I just imagined it because so many people had told me how dangerous it was for muggings and thefts, but it did have a different feel to it in the night time.

I stopped off at the cinema and had a right old laugh ordering my ticket and my drink. I thought I did really well in Spanish but they all kept laughing, especially when I went in to the wrong screen.

What a result, it was in English with Spanish sub titles. Plus I had paid under two quid. After seeing Vegas on the movie I decided we should now go to Vegas and not Mexico for our lads holiday haha.

I walked back to the hostel keeping an eye out for muggers and made it ok.

Next morning I was awoken early by the noise of the traffic which was horrific.

It is on a par with India. They have not realised that beeping their horns does not actually make the traffic move, but they all love to do it.

Breakfast was the usual hot water and bread roll with jam so I went to the Starbucks in the nearby shopping mall.

It was my last day so I had planned to get the bus down to Miraflores at the seaside.

The hostel had been busy when I left to ask about buses so I decided to just go watch the buses and figure it out. After getting the wrong street 4 times I eventually ended up back right next to the hostel but got the right bus.

Luis had suggested where to go, so I got off a bit further away and walked along the sea front.

What a difference to the main town, it was like Beverley Hills. No worries about getting mugged here.

Luis had told me about this really cool shopping centre in Larcomar, but I was amazed when I actually saw it, it was built in to the cliffside with loads of restaurants and bars looking out to sea. It really was cool.

I had decided to pick somewhere nice to try my first dish of ceviche the national dish of raw fish, and this was perfect.

I found the best restaurant I could and got a nice table out on the balcony with a Sea view.

I got the mixed ceviche so it also had raw octopus, squid, and scallops as well. It was delcious and still under a tenner.

I had deliberately not brought any cards with me in case I got mugged so just had a 100 Soles note which was about 25 quid.

I went to pay and the waiter came back a little embarrased.

I know alot of places have signs up saying they will not accept a 100 note, but it turned out that mine had been ripped and sellotaped back up.

I had not noticed, plus anyhow I had only just got it out the Atm.

Wel this was going to be fun I thought, as that was all I had on me.

His English was not so hot so I just went with him to the cashier and asked for the manager.

Everyone kept pointing to the sellotape and shaking their heads.

I really did not care. They could either take it or not.

Eventually the manager came over and they all started talking and pointing at the note again.

I felt like a naughty schoolboy stood in the passage. I pointed to the kitchen and made a washing up motion and laughed, but they did not see the funny side.

Eventually they took it and let me go.

I had really wanted to catch the metro Home, but realised it was quite a trek out and also did not stop near the hostel, but noticed the metropolitano Bus was on the way. These are buses but on their own road, so a sort of above ground metro.

It was fun and games as you have to buy a card and then load it but I had a laugh with the lady on the ticket desk and we somehow got there in the end with alot of pointing. I showed her on my phone where I wanted to go and she told me to get off at the national stadium. It was only two blocks south.

I had been thinking earlier how lucky I had been on my travels so far with no muggings or incidents, perhaps I look tougher than I think.

Anyhow I made it on to the bus and jumped off at the stadium.

It was a bit dark and a bit shady as I walked past the stadium but soon got near the park near the hostel. There were loads of people selling Peru football gear around so I guessed there was some sort of football going on.

It was rush hour and the streets were chaos with everyone trying to get home.

As I walked past the park I heard a load of shouting and saw a group of about fifty lads running and shouting down the street towards us. I thought they were just having fun and in high spirits until I saw them throwing litter in the air and then everyone running out the way.

Nope these were hooligans on the rampage.

It was like that scene from the Warriers movie (it was famous in the eighties)

I was next to the park wall and there was no way I could get away from them as I saw them come upon us like a tidal wave as they jumped on the lad in front of me.

Everyone had scattered and the main group was still on the road to my left. I thought they were carrying on running past when two stopped and ran back and jumped on me.

It all happened so fast. I only had my flip flops on so I slipped as I struggled with them and went straight on the floor.

The song from skyfall started playing in slow motion in my head with Adele telling me "this is the end" as I got ready for the kicks to start coming in.

I managed to jump straight up and luckily they just ran off.

Good job I was not carrying any chips as I would have lost the lot.

I dusted myself off and carried on walking trying to working out what had just happened. Looks like I picked the wrong day to give up drinking.

My elbows were cut from falling down like a girl, but other than that not a scratch.

Another lucky escape. Next you heard all the sirens in the distance so I guess the cops were not far behind.

What a bizarre evening. I definitely should have stayed in Miraflores I thought.

Next morning I went for a farewell Starbucks and packed up ready to head off down to the bus to Ecuador.

I noticed there were loads of people selling football stuff again on the streets so asked when I got back to the hostel fearing for another rampage.

Apparently Peru were playing Ecuador in the afternoon.

You better get out of here quick he told me before the crowds really start as we were so close to the stadium. Great!

There was no way I was going anywhere near that again after last night so headed up to the main shopping centre and caught the bus from there.

My elbows were killing. It felt like that time I decided to take out the elbow pads from my motorbike jacket and then crashed. That hurt too.

Anyhow time to move on, I needed to get cracking in order to have done colombia before vegas or cancun......so I boarded my bus for my 26 hour journey.

Next stop Ecuador......(cue Sash soundtrack)