How does it go? Man plans, God laughs. Well indeedy, that just about sums up our experience of Porto. We had a pretty good stay planned, nice kitty, nice enough apartment, seemingly 'on-the-bus host' and a good amount of time here in order to save some dosh on accommodation (paying for accommodation through Vietnam was positively painful since it was consistently 'hit and miss'.) So we met the kitty (check - yep, nice kitty) and had a walk through the apartment the night we arrived in Porto (jetlagged up the wazoo, knackered and, face it, probably a bit hungover after the 40 hour Grande Voyage to get here). Any more red flags and we could have had a parade.

There had been an update of the Welcome Guide to say the rangehood in the kitchen was malfunctioning and was stuck in the 'on' position. But the landlord knows. Uh huh. How bad could it be? Well after a week of this incessant buzzing audible through the apartment even with all the doors shut… pretty bad. Obviously worse when we were actually in the kitchen. But the kitty was nice.

Washing Machine. Handy bits of kit those, especially for travellers. And the thing now has a malfunctioning door - as in the catch is broken and it won't open. And it's so old they don't make doors for that model any more. So. If you hold your tongue just the right way and poke a deadly looking screwdriver in just the right crevice and if you don't 'break' it even more, you can click the door open. Simples. Right. So that's something that's not going to be used on our watch.

Then there was the boiler/gas water heater. Big box thingy in the laundry that was (supposedly) responsible for the hot water to the whole apartment and to the radiators for heating. Been a bit finickety lately but due to the world's worst rental contract and the biggest sucker on the planet signing it - apparently the tenant's responsiblity to maintain and repair any issues in the apartment. (Seriously… how come we never had tenants that silly back in the day?) But don't worry (we were hearing that a lot). Someone had been out for a look and said just to flick the ON/OFF switch until the red light went off and it should reset it and start heating the water again. The red light? The thing with the international warning symbol on it like the Oil light on a dashboard? The warning light sitting on a box with a gas feed and a pilot light? Yep. Works just fine. (Yeah right… for something that's not working!)

Onwards. So walked into the living room and took a look at the radiators. Big metal things that hang on the wall in the northern hemisphere and emit warmth in the cooler months. There you have it. Our entire wealth of knowledge on radiators. So we said (we said we did) 'Anything we need to know about the radiators?' Nope. Been using them for a week or so as the weather has just started to cool down, just adjust the 1-5 thermostat turny-thingy. Jolly good we thought. Something that works as expected. Idiots. (On that subject, look out for the movie 'A Man Called Otto' with Tom Hanks. Well worth a watch.)

So 'Bon Voyage' to the owner, keys in pocket, we returned to the absolutely out-bloody-standing Crowne Plaza Porto. Where it was warm and cosy and everything was stylishly decorated and everything worked. We had a couple of drinks and crunchy nibbles in the bar, our welcome amenity from the hotel. We conked out by 9 pm and had a fabulous sleep. We treated ourselves to a buffet breakfast to cover the breakfast and lunch conundrum. We trundled over to the apartment about 1 pm. We noticed en route that there was a WhatsApp from the owner, who'd left at 4 am ish… please turn the radiator in the living room off… she'd left it on this morning. So we got in, said hello to the kitty (nice kitty!) and went to turn off the radiator. Which was stone cold. Looked at the boiler. Red (Warning!) Light flashing. Did the ON/OFF. Carried on our merry way and stocked up with food from the supermarket over the road. Came home. Had a hot bath in preparation for bed. In hindsight, should have enjoyed it more and for longer. And that was Tuesday. Idiots.

And so began a week of OFFS. That's an acronym and not just the general condition of the water and heating by the way. Google it.

Beautiful weather though. Very unseasonal. Sunny days, crisp nights, no rain. So on Wednesday we made the most of it and got out to explore the very pretty, albeit small, city. Putting aside the niggling worries about the hot water system, the heating system (finally got the pesky radiators working by putting the temp up to MAX on the boiler thingy). A cold morning but a glorious day! Hoofed it all over the place…

No hot water tonight. No heating. But not panicking. Afterall - we've been in foreign countries for a hurricane, a 10 day power cut, cut off from civilisation by fallen trees and saved a house from a flood. Funny story that - all the same place in Ireland. Also snowed in for a few days in Italy. So no need to panic. Contacted the owner of the (nice) kitty, 7 hours behind us in the USA and said 'that the system is no longer finickety, it appears to have progressed to 'f**ked' - please get it sorted out. And that was Wednesday. Idiots.

So Thursday saw a person she knows through some expat community come out (again) for a look - believe he's the one who'd advised about the ON/OFF method of reset. He had a good look and said the gas pressure looked alarmingly high and we should leave it off altogether. Beyond his bailiwick and knowledge of boilers. But nice bloke, good visit. Advised the owner that nothing had been accomplished. Getting a bit tired of the whole situation in fairness. Friday dawned and was another day of nothing getting done - Excellent weather though… small mercies.

So on Saturday, we met the boiler man. Not a word of English so thank god for Google Translate. Nice enough fellow. Had the cover off and the guts of the boiler exposed and then advised it was €32 for him to be there and another €300 to service it and get it going. After a very long process communicating with the owner in the USA… money was transferred and works commenced. The boiler was fixed! Exciting! Should have taken advantage of it in some way but foolishly left the house for a walk around the city and to see the sunset. Got home in the early evening and the water and radiators were cold - same old, same old.

The owner had had her own experience of this prior to our arrival (that would have certainly been of use to know) and she organised a night at an AirBnB so we could have a shower and some heat. Sunday night was thus glorious. No progress otherwise.

Monday saw the boiler man out at midday to once more 'fix' the boiler. Gave it a red hot go. We had a fabulous hot bath to celebrate and turned the radiators on. We now know how to bleed radiators. Boiler man was concerned that the radiators (and for that matter the boiler) hadn't been serviced since they were manufactured. . It's an annual thing in his opinion - and as a bloke who's constantly fixing them, I doubt he sees many just to service them. So the boiler was fixed and we were warm and tired so had a snooze for a couple of hours. Of course, by the time we woke up in the late afternoon, everything was once more unfixed. Cold water. Cold radiators. Needed groceries so we pinged the boiler guy and he said he'd be back at 7 pm. Caught us on the hop at 6.15 pm when he said he was at the front door. And so began the finale, the crescendo, the final palaver of this housesitting saga from hell.

The cover was off the boiler, water was pouring through it and boiler man was almost wearing the boiler at this point. I was standing assisting him by providing extra light with my phone. By this point the consensus was the boiler was officially and technically f**ked and all due to the radiators having been used - for the first time in a very long time prior to our arrival. Due to the aforementioned lack of service the heated water was flowing through the radiators, picking up massive chunks of rust, sediment and general dirt, filth and stench - my god the stench. Then the filthy water and bits circulated through the struggling / fixed / re-fixed / re-re-fixed boiler and knackered it completely and irretrievably. Then he phoned the owner of the apartment as in the pet-owner's landlord. The same landlord she'd been trying and failing to contact for the past week. Turns out Mr Congeniality lives in the building next door and owns not just this apartment but probably half of Porto. He turned up within 20 minutes, argued with the boiler guy, searched the apartment and then, miraculously discovered he could speak English afterall (it's a miracle!). He proceeded to interrogate us as to how we were in the apartment and informed us that the pet owner had a very specific contract and she was not allowed people to stay in the apartment without his express (and un-given) permission. And we needed to leave. He stalked off and boiler man said he would be back tomorrow to do a quote to replace the boiler. (And one presumes it would be for hot water only but no heating possible as the radiators were still unserviced, possibly unserviceable, and wouldn't be useable. Big 'whoop' there.)

Given that we'd already been messed about for a full week and had just been unceremoniously ordered to leave by Mr Congeniality himself, we had had enough. More than enough. We finally cooked and ate our dinner at 10 pm (it having been a huge evening of boiler shenanigans), barely tasting it with all the stress. We messaged the pet owner in the USA who had a friend come over to collect the cat (poor friend / poor kitty). She booked us into an AirBnB for 30 nights and sent through the confirmation. We spent a solid 90 minutes doing a rushed packing job so we could be out of the apartment first thing in the morning - the last thing we wanted was Mr C-word coming back with the local plod accusing us of trespassing. Or something. At 1 am we finally finished and thought about getting into bed for a few hours enforced shut-eye. Foolishly (luckily) I took one final look at my phone and found a hand-grenade on the WhatsApp. World's silliest owner had spoken to 'expert' friends who said 'No way can he say/do/demand that!' And she'd cancelled the AirBnb, lost all her money, said she'd felt pressured by us to book it and that we were welcome to stay in 'her' apartment - no matter what the landlord said.

Not bloody likely. For the first time ever we hit the Panic Button and told the housesitting platform that we were hitting the road on the basis that we had been ordered out by the legal owner of the property. We obviously had a bit on our minds after the stress, lack of sleep etc, but had the foresight to contact our fabulous owner in Dublin who we sat for back in 2022. We were due to start in Dublin on 28 December and running all the way to 10 Feb - she had been planning to get sitters for the bit we couldn't do from 16 to 27 Dec - and hadn't gotten around to it! So yay us! Changed the flights from 28 Dec to 16 Dec (thank you top business class fares - put them in for a full refund via voucher then bought the earlier flights for €340 less). Then, with our heads clearer and excited to be going to Dublin for Christmas, we booked a short term apartment for 18 nights and decamped - badly packed bags, grocery bags, freezer bags - the works. It was with a HUGE sense of relief that we got out of the building, called an Uber and crossed town to the lovely area around the posh shopping street Rua Caterina and the Mercado Bolhao.

And so we began Porto, all over again. We revisited the Bolhao Market - now just 5 minutes stroll away. We explored our neighbourhood and had cherry liqueur/Ginja shots at a Christmas Market that was just opening up for the season. We enjoyed the lights and vibe of the city. We went out for a couple of buffet dinners at Da Terra - not because we're vegan but because it was a buffet dinner for €12.50 each. One of our favourite spots in Porto became the Miradouro da Vitorio which gave us expansive views over the Dom Luis bridge, Gaia, and the Cathedral - stunning by night and day. We visited the Sao Bento train station for a) a look at the tiles for which it is famous and b) a look at the trains - we both love train travel especially the romance of sleeper trains. We got fitter and fitter by the day and also cleverer - how to get to places like the Cathedral without climbing stairs or hills of Everestian proportions for instance.

We spent a lot of our time shopping for extra warm clothes - we were spending so long in Asia on this trip that our winter packing was a bit 'light-on', but with Dublin to look forward to we knew we needed some hard-core winter gear. Turns out whilst Porto really only has one chain of thrift stores - Humana - known and loved since we discovered them in Barcelona in 2022. Porto does have 5 stores however so what can't be found in one can usually be found in another - and sometimes you don't know what you want or need until it jumps off a rack right in front of you. In our case, the very first visit to the very first shop landed me a thigh length black shearling. The even better news was it had been priced as though it was a fake (there were so very many around that were). So €28. Which was briliant value. The news got even better - they'd just progressed from 40% off everything, to 50% off everything - so only €14. By the time we left Porto, they had worked through their entire pricing cycle - 50% led to €5/4/3/2/1 for everything in the shop. Yes. When it reached €1 day on 9 December, the racks were looking a bit thin on the ground but the stores were absolutely packed - some people were spending €25 and essentially clothing themselves and the family for months to come. Throughout the pricing cycle we picked up 4 merino jumpers in different weights and colours (2 each), a heavy duty 90% wool pair of leggings from Italy for me, a gray 100% cashmere poncho, a pair of wedge heel Ugg boots, suede shoes for James, a short rabbit fur jacket for me, a Madagascar rafia sunhat which was irresistable for €1, a couple of bracelets and probably things I'm wearing but have forgotten are recent acquisitions. December 11 finally dawned and we were still in hope of a shearling for James - and 'lo, the new season (winter), full priced stock landed and we landed quite possibly the bargain of the trip thus far - a glorious leather coat with soft lamb shearling inside by one of Spain's leading designer (apparently) - Roberto Verino. Something similar from the man himself? €1295 odd. In Humana? €69. Incredible value and his new, favourite, bestest, winter travelling coat ever. It's lucky we had 2 x 23 kg bags each for the trip to Dublin - with the clothes and shoes and booze - we needed all the space we could get. In the couple of days before we left, the bargains just kept coming and (because wandering around the house in high heel Uggs is not practical) we found me a pair of traditional black shearling boots made from German lambswool and, the day before we left, a pair of Ugg street boots which I now love to bits and haven't stopped wearing since (outside=street boots, inside=slipper boots, and haven't yet gone anywhere to warrant the heels… but the trip is young).

We enjoyed ourselves all told for a few days after arriving in our short term apartment - including a wonderful day over in Gaia - the other side of the river lined with port cellars and the Gaia Market. In our new spot we were much, much closer to the iconic Dom Luis bridge over the River Douro. We headed there via one of the many small Christmas markets, took a look at the huge Fernandino city walls and then strolled over the top level of the bridge. Wow. Just took so many photos. Too many photos but hey - we felt reborn. The day we visited Gaia was simply stunning - crisp, blue sky and sunny. Our Uber driver from the airport said 'go for it' if you want to pay the bucks and visit port cellars and do tastings and what-not - or just head to the market for port tastings - 5 different ports for €5. So we did that. Coming from Australia we pretty much know of Tawny Port and that's it. Turns out there's Ruby/Tawny/Rose/Sweet White and Dry White ports. And they are all so good! Even the inexpensive ones. We ended up setting up camp at the cafe we chose and had some freshly cooked cod cakes alongside the port. And a full glass each of our favourite styles of port. And a stroll - we sat and listened to a busking band for about an hour and then walked over the lower level of the bridge. We finished the day with a jaunt through Ribeira - the lower level of the town, right next to the river bank and then climbed the hill back to our apartment. It is a sad fact of life in Porto that invariably what goes down, must go back up - there is always a hill to climb. The weather turned on us about 4 pm and poured down. Fortunately we had our wide brimmed hats and fabulous coats on so powered ahead while the footpaths were clear of 90% of pedestrians - all to be found hovering and smoking like their lives depended on it under any shelter they could find. Not fond of rain in this town. It's not that we were in a huge rush to leave the area, but we were super keen to get home, freshen up and then head to the main square to witness the turning on of the lights on the massive Christmas tree. We had an errand to run en route - since James's shoes were soaked he needed new shoes for the evening outing - so we popped into Humana for a pair of suede shoes - €5. Thanks for coming.

The evening worked out pretty damn well, new shoes and all and the lighting of the Christmas tree was great. There was a massive concert and crowd in the square with a singer world famous in Port- but the fire works were great.. Then we had a jaunt around a couple of Christmas markets, a stroll down pretty Rua das Flores and ended up at Da Terra in Baixa for a buffet dinner. All good. The following day we decided to visit Ribeira again as we had to cut the previous day a bit short due to knackeredness and the torrential rain.

This time around we had no need to cross the bridge and so instead walked down the hill to where the bird fanciers of Porto meet for their Saturday morning market. The mist/fog was well down today (certainly hope it's not like this on the day we fly out). We continued down to river level in the fog and enjoyed the prime views of Porto's many bridges. Ribeira was chock full of tourists and it was fun to meander through the market stalls. It's not that we need anything - we've acquired heaps of hard-core winter clothes and are all good on the souvenir front. We walked the city walls for a bit - far above the madding crowd and then saw a sign for a local church's Christmas market. That sounded more like our scene so we climbed a few more stairs and met some local makers and bought a couple of home made jams to use while we are here. The fog finally burned off and the sun shone brightly.

All this enjoying ourselves (apparently) had to be paid for. In fairness, it may have had something to do with the thousands thronging the square for the lighting of the tree and the incessant coughing and spluttering amongst the populace due to chain smoking being a national pastime - but we both ended up sick for the last couple of weeks - certainly the best part of a week more or less in the apartment, emerging only for groceries from the supermarket at the bottom of the building. Probably Covid. Ah well. It had been 3 months, almost to the day, since we had our last booster shot and with so many stripes of covid getting about the globe, it wasn't that much of a surprise.

We eventually got pretty much better, case of 'having to' when a flight is about to happen and it was with great relief that we spent our last few days in the city hunting for the last of the 'winter gears' shopping list and buying some port for the 2 months in Dublin. Whilst there's truth in the adage, 'any port in a storm', it would have to be a very wild storm indeed to see us back in Porto again. Lisbon? Absolutely. Especially with heat and water (and a nice kitty of course!)