Cruise Day 13, 4 December - Port Day / Salvador de Bahia - Singing Hot, hot, hot! 'Twas the day of hurry up and wait. We ventured off more or less on time (Yes! Wifi! Managed to email our medical forms to a ship's staff member who promised to try and get them printed for us.) First stop was the Church of Sao Boafim, quite moving with the thousands of colourful prayer/wish bracelets/ribbons strung from the railings of the church. There was also a mass in progress for St Barbara's feast day so our access to the inside was limited - but we did visit the room of miracles with wax skulls, arms, legs etc hanging from the ceiling and lots of pictures of happy people who have had their prayers answered. Aside from the church we seemed to have an unusually long drive in the slums, saw the statues of the old African gods in the lake (and from both sides) and eventually made it to the beautiful and wild coastal vistas and the old fort. From there it was back towards the port and up to the old town - we didn't take the elevator up, but we took in the views from the top over the city (yep - saw the ship).

From there we ventured off on a 1-3 hour walking tour of the old town of Salvador - as a ragtag group of variously unhappy, unfit, unable or unwilling to walk cruise ship tourists. You guessed it, we were the unhappy ones. It was not just St Barbara's feast day, there was also a festival of Africanness / Afro and the beats were pumping, hordes of locals were dressed in red, dancing in the streets and drinking like champions. Usually all at once. Our guide couldn't run a piss up in a brewery, couldn't manage the Spanish contingent and consistently stopped where he usually stopped on his tours, whether or not there was a thumping band playing there or not. Idiota (see - learning to b**** in different languages, who says a European cruise isn't useful for something).

It was truly a Spanish day. We had three hive off at the church (the very first stop) who decided they wanted to stay for mass, it being such a spiritual day and the feast of St Barbara and all. Didn't occur to them that them needing to be rounded up 30 minutes after the meeting time might hold up the rest of the people on the tour. Spritual my arse - they would all be damned to one of Dante's circles of hell if I had any say. Of course it didn't stop there. When we made it to the beautiful coastal fort with 15 minutes to visit (thanks to already running late), that turned into 30 minutes, despite 15 being more than adequate time to circumnavigate the fort and take a great many pictures. It was becoming clear that perhaps Costa needs to do an eyes-on medical check of people's capacity to get on and off coaches and walk 20 steps in a row. Or they could just keep taking the money for the excursions and smiling and nodding. Suffice it to say we had one passenger so fat they could barely get on and off the coach, having to wiggle through the door sideways. A great many more were struggling to get up and down the aisle and up and down two steps. God help us all if there was a need to evacuate the bus for any reason.

We finally made it to the old town (the highlight of the visit…) The walk around the town was a litany of b****ing - why can't we go by ourselves? (you booked a group tour, idiot), why is it so hot? (it's summer on the Equator), why is it so noisy in town? (which is laughable for Spanish travellers who specialise in living in a hot country and being perpetually noisy), it's not fair! (you're telling us!), why do we have to walk so much (remember… it's a walking tour… the clue is in the name), the cobbles aren't safe, the steps aren't safe, just to prove I'm entitled to go really slow I'll fall over a step and plead heat stroke so I don't have to walk any further. It was like herding a group of sh*tty one-legged cats. And the guide was a sh*thouse shepherd. But we made it back to the bus. With more people than we started with rather impressively, as we'd lost some of ours and picked up some strays who couldn't manage to get on their own bus. Swings. Roundabouts. Eejits.

Finally made it to the Model Market / Modelo Market near the port with 20 minutes for shopping. Of which 3 minutes was promptly used up explaining that we had 20 minutes and that if people wanted to hive off and walk back to the ship they could, but needed to advise the guide and the Costa host with their names and cabin number, blah, blah, feckin' blah. Today we really felt for the stall holders. Aside from the fact that the old market is split in two with half of it in a marquee during renovations, they get us and our wallets for just 15 minutes, if they're lucky, hot and sweaty and pissed beyond belief at the uselessness of people. Misanthropy was a word invented for days like today. Eventually made it on board and had a tiny nibble from the buffet to tide us over until afternoon tea at 4 pm.

Cruise Day 14, 5 December - Sea Day - Well thank god for that. Never thought we'd be quite so happy to be doing nothing in peace for a whole day. The three Brazilian port days in a row did take it out of us. Aside from anything else… so many photos to edit. Due to being damn good at what I do, the photos of yesterdays Costa Charlie Foxtrot Excursion to Salvador de Bahia actually belie my story… they look brilliant. Amazing place that Salvador.

The ship has quite the roll today as we head down the east coast of South America. Our final port visit is tomorrow - Rio de Janeiro - or as we now know it, 'the city of the man who gives hugs'. One of the Brazilian hosts on board had someone quiz him once on where in Brazil he came from and after a great deal of charades he finally figured out the city the person was referring to was Rio de Janeiro and the huggy man in question was the statue of Christ the Redeemer. So go figure… next time we refer to Cairo, Egypt we could rechristen it 'the sandy place with pointy things'. Not a lot going on otherwise, even at sea we are paying stupid tax - €2 a day for a chance to win the jackpot. Hasn't worked yet, so must be a very small chance. Rest of the day? Read, snooze, pop upstairs for afternoon tea, a chat with a couple of fellow travellers, a soak in the jacuzzi, dress for dinner, get a couple of happy snaps done, pop into the 'farewell cocktail party' and then early to bed. We dock in Rio at 9 am and it's a 6 hour excursion - fingers crossed it doesn't rain.