Alps Day 1 - somewhere in the Alpine National Park, Victoria

So tired. So sore. It's 7:30pm, pitch black and it's bedtime. The stars are out and plentiful, maybe just as many as there were when I was in Costa Rica…maybe. I don't think I've ever worked, or sweated, or have pushed my body this hard before. Climbing up and down hills, and mountains, with, I don't know, maybe 30-40 pounds on my back, it was a killer. Big Bertha - that's what I named my pack. There were so many instances where I said (in my head), "No, I physically cannot take another step." And that was like two hours into the trip. I had to focus and put all my energy and concentration in just taking that next step. Halfway through the day our leader, JT, asked for someone to volunteer to lead the group to our campsite. I stepped up and decided to give it a go. Of course this was when the marked trail became obsolete, so I had to trail blaze. One might think that this would be fun, but when you're exhausted, tired, dirty, sweaty, hungry, and just want to get to camp, it is not fun. I did become a little pissed off at times, and I was very frustrated.I did try and keep my negative comments to myself, but it was tough. The main problem was that I couldn't see the "light at the end of the tunnel" - I couldn't physically, or mentally comprehend, where our campsite was, so there was no motivation. I told the group that they could commit mutiny whenever they felt like it, but I think they were too tired to respond. There were so many instances where I had no clue whatsoever where I was going or if it was the right way. I ended up having everyone climb this hill that was pretty steep and had burned trees/log everywhere. This made it so that if you tried to grab anything to pull yourself up, you'd get a handful of blackness. It was rough. Finally JT took over and lead us to the top of the hillside where our campsite was. Once we got to the site everyone was supportive and told me I did a good job. This made me feel a little bit better. But I realized I have a ways to go…

The group dynamics are going well. We have two mature age students, one who used to be a park ranger in Queensland. Dave was able to educate us about the flora and fauna when we took multiple breaks while hiking. It's cool to hear, but I don't grasp very much - I'm just not that interested. Others enjoy it though, I think. Everyone else is very supportive of one another and accepting of everyone's pace. Our leader, JT, is the best ever. He has so much knowledge and displays this calm, laid back style. He doesn't set distance goals for where we should be at the end of the day because he believes that pushes people and makes them uncomfortable. He's always encouraging everyone to go at their own pace and to take their time. Which is good since I'm physically dying out here.

It's interesting because it hit me today why I'm struggling so much, because I'm so far out of my comfort zone. I have no problem leading groups at Central, presenting/orientating 3,700 first year students, putting on hall wide programs, leading/directing live television news broadcasts, but I have no confidence and am fearful of leading people in the outdoors. Mainly because I have no experience, or for other unknown internal reasons. It's weird, but that's why I'm here, to learn and grow.