Vegemite Migration

My time in a land down under is nearly at an end. I board my plane for Auckland in around 9.5 hours, and to be frank I'd like to go to bed now. But cruel is the brain that whirs under this newly trimmed barnet of mine as it seeks to make sense of Australia and her place in my rankings of travel destinations.

This is doomed to failure. Especially at nearly 2am.

I suppose the first thing to note is that most people will be horrified that I haven't visited the red centre or Queensland. That said, I haven't got time to explore the South Island of NZ so I guess those gems are something for me to look forward to. That's not so bad, is it?

However, if I'm to stick to the places I have visited, I can only say that there seems to be something missing in Australia that would compel me to stay. Adelaide is definitely too quiet, but more to the point I found the general air of the place to be a little bit too small town for my liking. Sydney was considered the 'big city', and believe you me Sydney isn't that big at all. I liked Melbourne - it had a grungy feel to it - but I can't help feeling that it was more the people I befriended that made the experience rather than the place itself. Sydney was nice, but that's it. I was expecting more: what, I don't know, but more. I had gracious hosts who, to be honest, spoiled me and I really enjoyed myself, but the city lacked the buzz and feel of a major international player. It was homely and that should be good, but it just didn't feel right for me.

When it comes down to it I think that their are aspects of the culture that are too close to what I'm used to and what I want to leave. I'm over boozing really, but it's expected here on a night out just as much as in Britain. I'm simply not built for it, nor am I passionate for hangovers, mysogeny and possible fist fights. I can get that from a saunter out in Altrincham.

So my search for a future motherland continues (yes, maybe I should've mentioned that I am looking at places to which I can emigrate), yet I would be a hard and twisted individuaal to deny that Mathilda has taught me a few things. Namely:

- Paul 'Crocodile Dundee' Hogan is still alive, but the people ain't too keen on Linda Kraz-icki-wicki for whom he left his wife. Mrs Hogan the first is still very much loved.

- there is an abnormally high number of mullets and rats tails among city dwellers, so God knows what the hairstyles are like in the sticks. Only today we spied a man sporting a do that involved completely shaving the back of his head so there was hair on top and the mullet tail, but nothing in between. Nice.

- Australian censors are far more liberal than their British counterparts. I put forward the new Aussie sitcom 'Stick and Shift' as an example.

- everyone says 'No Worries'. And I do mean everyone.

- the top, and seemingly sole, reason for Australia's superiority over the Kiwis is that New Zealanders talk with a silly high-pitched accent.

- there are a lot of Germans.

- no one knows what really happened to Yahoo Serious.

Tony now looks like a man. Well, at least according to the elderly Greek barber who sheared off his locks.