We left Bangkok at 8pm on an overnight bus headed for Phuket (amongst other places) and although Stu got his favourite seat at the front on the top deck, this journey was not to be the stuff that dreams are made of. We had expected a sleeper bus like the one we got from Hanoi to Dong Ha, but no amount of plastering the phrases "V.I.P." or "luxury" over the sides was going to make it any better than what it actually was; a very average double-decker coach. And the journey didn't disappoint in the farcical stakes. Just as everyone had finally dropped off to sleep the driver stopped the coach, turned all the lights on and informed us it was time for a supper break - it was 12.30am. Then, when we had set off again the driver decided to unnecessarily overtake a lorry at break-neck speed, only to lose control and take out a few traffic cones which we then had to stop to dislodge from under the coach.... twice. At 4am everyone was once again woken up and told to disembark and wait in a travel agency reception until 5.30am when our respective coaches/boats would be ready to continue the journey. We finally arrived in Phuket at midday, knackered and more than convinced that this continent couldn't organise a p***-up in a brewery.

We had put a lot of thought into where we wanted to stay in Phuket as this is where we had planned to do the 4 day Open Water scuba-diving course. We ended up staying at Karon beach, a little way south of the main beach, Patong (we just couldn't face the seedy, package holiday resort it reportedly is) in a small hotel called Baan Suay which is easily the best hotel we have stayed in during the whole trip. We had a lovely en-suite room, the family who owned and ran the business were lovely, the cups of tea were just like the ones your mam makes, and there was always a comfy sofa to sink into in the bar and football on tv - what more could you ask for! Karon beach itself wasn't all that - there were speedos clinging to middle-aged German bottoms everywhere! Luckily we were only there to do our dive course so we didn't have to look at the offending articles for long. And then the fun really began..... we started our dive course the following morning!

The first half of the first day went pretty well. We sat in a classroom with our South African instructor, Marco, and I whooped Stu's arse in the first two theory tests - multiple choice questions on the chapters we'd just read hardly proved to be a brain teaser though, I have to be honest. And then came the first practical element of the course, where the putting on of the equipment was closely followed by me floundering about in the water as if I was about to drown - we were only in a swimming pool... in the shallow end! The spiral than continued on it's downward course, taking not very long at all for me to reach the bottom (of the spiral - not the pool (unfortunately)) and sulkily declare, "I can't do it!" before chucking the proverbial toys out of the pram! Stuart, of course, didn't have any problems.... smug little git!

Anyway, after Marco had decided that we'd probably had enough for one day (much to my relief) it was time to take stock in the bar whilst reading our manuals in preparation for some more theory tests the following morning. At this point I was still convinced my anxiety was just a temporary 'hitch' and that when I tried again I would be a natural. I was wrong. I was s***. I once again sailed through the theory tests, but "whoopy-flaming-do!" As if that's going to be of any bloody use when the instructor is asking me to some recovery skill or other at the bottom of the swimming pool!?! "Well, Marco, of course I know exactly how that skill should be performed, but would you mind terribly if I just stayed above the surface and explained how I would do it if I could actually use the regulator and breath underwater?" "Maybe I could demonstrate my competence without getting my hair wet?" I think not. So, while Stu went into the deep end to complete the skills part of the course with annoying ease, I spent my time sitting on the bottom of the shallow end watching them whilst trying my hardest to get comfortable with the whole breathing thing. We then sat our theory exams at the end of that day and yes, it is affirmative, I am good at this theory malarky if nothing else - I passed with 98%, which p***ed on Stuart's 90% chips - but in all fairness, he can dive and I can't so I won't spend any time bragging about that one.

Now you're all probably asking yourselves why I bothered sitting the exam, but even at this stage I thought I could still pull myself together. On day 3 we had to go onto a dive boat as to complete the course you need to do 4 open water dives over 2 days. The only way I could still complete the course was if I did my confined water skills in the sea during the first dive, so I geared up for this, convincing myself it would be 3rd time lucky. It wasn't. As soon as I put my equipment on I felt myself freak out, so by the time we got into the sea it was never going to happen. When you see the photos you will see that the water was calm and a beautiful, crystal clear, turquoise - what I saw was some big black abyss reminiscent of the middle of the North Sea! Marco wanted to take us straight down to 8 or 9 metres to see how I felt, but considering I couldn't get to more than 1/2 metre in a swimming pool I thought this was a bit ambitious. It was therefore no great surprise when I finally admitted defeat at about 6 inches and went back to the boat. And the whole time Stuart was doing his first dive I sat on the back of the boat hugging my knees and crying like a 6 year old. I was gutted. The next day and a half, Stu went diving while I sat on the boat and pondered my inadequacies, surrounded by bloody "divers" who couldn't seem to talk about anything other than diving and how great it was - I mean, please... there is more to life you know!!!!!

Don't let my bitterness though, distract from the fact that Stu passed his course with flying colours. He is now PADI accredited and is fully certified to dive to 18 metres. And he is already talking about doing his Advanced Open Water course at some point during the trip - apparently it is as amazing as it looks down there (and only a little bit scary when you see your first giant moray eel checking you out!). The night the course finished we celebrated in the usual manner - lots of beer and not enough food. And the next morning it was time to move onto Ko Phi Phi for a bit of rest and relaxation.....