THE CONCLUSION (PART ONE)

A BOMBPROOF GLOSSARY:

AMAZON: Who could forget our adventures exploring the rainforest with Marcelo, William (the beastiality Belgian), Brent, Ian and Daniella who all proclaimed Victoria the 'Princess'. Days of kayaking through leafy canopies, piranah fishing, evicting local families from their huts and watching Victoria get bored of monkleys and getting served Marcelo's special 'Scrambly Eggs'. See also Q.

BON-WEE: Victoria's oud greeting in the streets of Rio displaying her exceptional grasp of the Portuguese language. A reminder of crazy nights in the Copahostel getting Louis p.issed out of his speedos, killing koi carp and celebrating Flamengo's win over Botafogo at the Maracana. All good fun after dodging gangs with AK-47s in an attempt to locate a plug adaptor for a pair of pink hair straighteners.

CORCOVADO: Imagine our delight when we discovered that you can reach Jesus via an escalator and purchase cheese pastries near his feet.

DUCKLINGS: On our return to London we would have travelled approximately 71502km around the world. Over 7584 hours that's a theoretical constant speed of 5.86mph...which is roughly the same speed at which a one day old Wood Duck duckling 'skitters' across water. (Source: Ohio Cooperative Wildlife Research Unit).

EVEREST: We saw it..ok! No escalators, no cheese pastries, but we did have a free cup of chai from our vantage point atop Tiger Hill in Darjeeling.

FALKLANDS: If the nice people in Argentina would like to discuss the Falkland's Issue over a nice cuppa and some Hob-Nobs, Victoria and I would be tempted to swap the Islands for some of their fine beef, wine or Dairy Milk Fruit and Nut (without the Nuts...which is called Pasas). Our favourite country, suprisingly.

GLOBECHOPPERS: We met the Harlem Globetrotters in La Paz, scored some free tickets from Herb but were kept out of the game due to a stadium riot. We were excited by our appearance on Bolivian TV News; the night was destined to end in diappointment, however, as the basketball stars refused to disclose the location of Burger King to us.

HIGHLY DUBIOUS COLUMBIAN BORDER GUARDS: If you happen to c*** up your Visa, you can pay one of these 10 US Dollars to stamp your passport with entry/exit stamps showing that you have been in the country for 3 minutes and 17 seconds. We were really there for 3 days.

IGUAZU FALLS: Possibly the most beautifully dramatic spot to sit and enjoy mashed egg sandwiches and somehow avoid Matt Pollins.

JUST POPPING TO ENGLAND; HERE, HAVE THE HOUSE KEYS: A big thank you to all of the kind people who took us in during the antipodean stage of our travels. Martin and Kay let us have their lovely home in Napier before heading to England to avoid us. Arnica and Dion allowed us as to gatecrash their wedding anniversary in Taupo and were so annoyed that they cooked us the best breakfast ever. Jane fed us incredible food, whilst Mike threw me down a hill on a bike in Whangerei. Charles and Ange gave us a room in Wanaka despite having to nurse a rather unwell fish. Finally, Mark's airbed in Sydney was suprisingly comfy.

KID'S SKI SCHOOL: (Bariloche) Hurtling down a slope attached to skis wouldn't be nearly as fun if you couldn't maim a few innocent children on route.

LIME HOUSE: The World's finest hostel. Purple couches, fireplaces, and the Beatles in the background (on the stereo...not live) all situated on one of Buenos Aires' greatest roads. Ugi's Pizza deserves a mention here also. Ask Victoria about her Lime House scar tissue.

MOULDY PHILADELPHIA: Victoria still hasn't forgiven the Chileans for their poor refrigeration of cheese spreads. The real reason we left Chile and returned to Argentina.

NEIGHBOURS: (Every body needs good ones) Our exploration of Australia wasn't extensive, but we did the thing that counts...a tour of Ramsay Street.

OI, STOP PERVING!!: India is a whole heap of hassle; dirty, crowded and tiring. If you're a lone female travelling to Indian cities, towns or anywhere for that matter, it's probably best to leave your breasts at home for the duration of your trip. Bring pepper spray.

PETERSHAM: Our home in Sydney for three months. Mark could see the Harbour Bridge and Opera House from his flat; we had Rita's Titty Lounge and some tramps. The only guest in our bijou apartment was Carley - the highlight of her holiday to Australia with Russell. The Meat and Wine Company, a resaurant they recommended, wasn't great though..and the garlic bread was sh*t. Thanks a lot guys.

QUEEN VICTORIA: Fiji was all about Victoria, who was treated like a celebrity all around for no particular reason - maybe it was her introduction of garlic bread to the national consciousness. There will probably be statues of her erected in Nadi if we ever return; what is it about Victoria that causes things to be erected where ever she goes?

RAZORLIGHT: (Also refered to as 'THE KILLERS): A memorable night in Sydney witnessing an amazing gig as Victoria worked her way through a pack of Frosties washed down with vodka.

SCENERY HEROIN: This is what Pat and Gill would frequently stop to get their fix of in New Zealand. This is good for Victoria as she can see the photos when she gets home having not seen the entire country due to interminable napping. The other good thing about scenery junkies is that they often stop for tea breaks, which is lovely.

TAJ MAHAL: A true wonder of the world that doesn't disappoint. Also a great place to avoid the annoying streets of Agra and find an island of peace in India. Shame a nob in an Albion shirt ruined our photos.

UYUNI: Town in the Bolivian desert, which was unbearably cold. Anything less than warm is now refered to as 'Uyuni'. For example, "I rang the bank today after not paying my bills for a year...they were a bit Uyuni with me".

VERTIGO: The U2 song that accompanied our drive up to the top of a canyon in Queenstown prior to us throwing ourselves off attached to a string.

WORLD RECORDS: New Zealand was full of world record breaking natural and man-made things. The World's Largest Maori War Canoe, The Oldest Kauri Tree, The Longest Footbridge. We will always regret not seeing the World's Largest Sundial.

X-RAY: A reference to Victoria's medical record, which has been less than fortunate in places. At least we know that if they have to whip that gall bladder out, there'll be a Fijian that will pay good money for it.

ZERO: The number of good-looking people in peru according to Victoria. Also the number of escalators leading up to Machu Picchu.

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Just so you know: I'll be writing the second part of this 'conclusion' when we get home as we've got one more photo album to upload along with a 'Best Of' compilation video (complete with photos and a suitably cheesy and reflective soundtrack). Be interesting to see how long it is until we're calling up STA and enquiring about trips to Zanzibar. Until then, thanks for all of your messages and support. A special Thanks to those who sent money in a blatant attempt to stop us coming home. That's a nice shirt you're wearing, it complements your eyes.

You rock.

Loads of love,

Victoria and Tom xxx