Theme Parks and unnatural activities.

I believe God has created two species of humans in this world. Those who go on rollercoasters ( group 1) and those who watch those who go on rollercoasters (group 2). You may notice I did not use the adjective ‘enjoy’ to qualify either group. I declare that I am a proud member of group 2 and I am not ashamed. I believe that anyone in group 1 has to have and appreciate all the group 2 members of their family because they need us to receive them when they get off the ride, mine do not appreciate my value. Please, is there anything wrong with having a healthy desire to keep oneself firmly planted on the ground????? Thankfully my mother and I were firm group 2 believers, my sister behaved more like a Liberal MP and would swing between left and right depending on what was at stake, the remainder of my family were dangerous group 1 junkies.

As a member of group 2 I had purposed in my heart to:

• eat waffles and watch the dolphin show at Sea world,

• crawl around Movie World eating popcorn, hopefully watch the car stunt shows or 4D movie and wave to Superman at the parade,

• tune in to the holiday spirit, maintain a reasonable form of inertia and only move if and when required,

• visit Tropical Fruit World or Mt Tambourine and

• go nowhere near Wet n Wild.

That did not happen.

• I missed the waffles at Sea world, the shop closed before I got there.

• I did not go near Mt Tambourine because a certain family member (I will not name names) told me going on walks (Mt Tambourine) was boring.Her words were –“you were born in the tropics, you heard crickets screeching your whole life and now you want to take us on a night walk to listen to crickets and glow worms?”.

• My pop corn was snatched from me and consumed by Child 2 at Movie world (popcorn in Gold Coast theme parks are like little nuggets of gold, they cost as much as the proverbial arm and leg fused together, simply put they are irreplaceable), please note that the said child was not hungry, starving or similarly inconvenienced.

• I was also deceived. My children, with Child 1 acting as spokesperson, gave me their word that if I paid for, attended and participated in a go-cart race, we would not have to go near wet n wild. They lied.

• On Wednesday July 5th 2017, I was told that “since the weather is such a beautiful 26 degrees, and we have multiple entry into all in those group of theme parks, it would be such a waste not to use it to visit Wet n Wild”. So off we went. I dislike the word waste, they know that, so believe I was manipulated. I was then lured by my husband, my brother-in-law and their cohort of group 1 junkies into The H2O Extreme Zone in the same park. The rest is history, I somehow found myself speeding and screaming through a dark, zero visibility tunnel at my beloved Child 1. In the space of the few seconds the ride lasted, I told him I would never ever forgive him or his father. The more sedate Aqua racer ride was not without its issues either, my sister and I felt like two clumsy turtles as we tried to push down the slides on our stomach in order to gather the required momentum. I tried not to imagine what I looked like from the rear.

The moral of my story is this, do not go to family thingys with any expectation of what will or will not happen, especially if your family group is like mine. Do you remember those picture perfect happy vacationing families we see in brochures? Just like the state of parenting called “Stress- free parenting”, they don't exist so don't try to recreate it. It's a bit like looking for a unicorn or the holy grail, impossible.
So I’ve decided to add to my tips on how to enjoy family thingys:
• Time is a fluid concept, children are slow and babies are even slower. We had daily targets regarding what times we had to leave the house each day, we always left the house as agreed, but usually 2 hours later than planned. On one occasion a certain family member forgot his glasses at home, he claimed he could still see, but some other family member insisted on reading the road signs out to him while he drove, some marriages have failed due to lesser offenses….
• This leads on to the second tip, forgive the forgotten. You will forget important items when traveling for a family thingy. Medications, toothbrushes, underwear, charger etc. You will also remember and bring the useless eg eyebrow brush. No need getting worked up about it, adapt, replace or forget it.
• Take time to laugh at and with each other, that's what it's all about.
I am still amazed at some of the questions I was asked:
Q: How long should I warm this in the microwave?
ME: Until it is warm
Q: Can I wash my underwear? I’ve run out
ME: Do as you please, you are the one wearing it.
Q:How far away is the theme park from here?
ME: I don't know, I don't live here.
Q: Where can I find the cups???
ME: I don't know, I don't live here!!!!!!!!!!
It's like they think all mums are part of a secret society of women who attend meetings where we decide where to put all our cups.
Sadly we come back tomorrow, the weather here has been beautiful and I have been really blessed by our family time together. On the positive side, they will now be able to find the cups without asking me.