"Paradise on Earth" proclaim the advertisements everywhere. Postcards show stunning sceneries from Phi Phi, oozing luxury, exclusivity, things everyone wants; for a price everyone can afford. Indeed. The skies are clear in the morning, the sun is shining, there is a slight welcome breeze and as the ferry sets out from Krabi these tropical islands slowly reveal themselves.

And they're brilliant! Deep-green jungles with small open places filled with crispy white sands. Small, quaint, bungalows hidden under the trees, luxury yachts moored along the bay. And the waters are as they should be: gorgeous turquoise blue... with the odd jellyfish here and there. The illusion still holds as we pull up by the jetty and walk towards that narrow piece of land of Tonsai Village. Luxury resorts line the shoreline. And then. Then everything is shattered. As if the illusion has never been. The narrow streets are full of crowds, even in the low-season, 20-ish kids running around from bar to bar. English, Irish, Israeli pubs everywhere, showing Premiere League football, snooker, darts, the odd bar even has 24h 'Family Guy' and 'American Dad' episodes on reminiscent of horrible Vang Vieng. Every restaurant sells pizza, burgers, steak, English breakfast and people in there stuff themselves with fries. Every second shop sells trinkets, crap, junk. Massage parlours are door-to-door. And about a zillion dive-shops. Horrible. This isn't paradise. This isn't even Asia. This is Ibiza, Spain, at its worst![*] Just like the only available beach everybody uses at the north side of this narrow strip connecting the two hilly parts of Phi Phi. Narrow beach, no more than four metres wide. Full. Gaah. Why did I come here? Why didn't anyone tell me it's like this?

As I discuss this with fellow similar-minded travellers, they comfort me. Just wait till high-season, then this becomes a total madhouse! And btw, this still beats Phuket. That's just ghastly. Thank you. But I'm here, not in Phuket.

I check into a(n empty) dorm - I guess nobody wants to pay 150B/night, too cheap? - book two dives for tomorrow and join the crowds on the beach. The water is beautiful but pretty much full of rubbish. Chucked in fizzy cans, plastic bags, paper, cutlery... don't people care? What the hell did I pay the 20B entrance fee for, the one that said "for the clean Phi Phi". Idiots. I've seen locals just throw their empty beer cans into the jungle, the rocks, or the sea. Don't you get that the beauty of the island is all you have? If you f*** it up people will just go somewhere else. I'd so slap you! But back to business...

As the beach doesn't look too inviting so full, I rent a kayak and set out for one of the remote beaches only accessible by boat. Monkey beach is off to the left. Monkeys, but dirty. Not just the water, but the sand as well, so I head off again after a short stop to explore the rocks from up close on the other side of the bay. Along the way I chase several jellyfish, trying to get a good photograph to no avail; but poking them is fun :)

Around sunset I walk up to the viewpoint on the eastern leg. Maddeningly tiring, a f***ing million stairs again. Up at the top is a circus. The viewpoint consists of several big rocks, jutting out over the hill and a whole crowd is trying to manoeuvre itself into the best sunset-photo-position. This is no fun. Wasn't even that spectacular. At low-tide both bays go almost dry as well, only showing ugly rocks and sand. Pretty ugly. There is however a photograph pinned to a tree showing the islands just after the 2004 tsunami. Until now I didn't even realise there was a tsunami, but it all came back. Christmas 2004. Krabi, Phi Phi, Phuket, and tons of other coasts along the Andaman sea destroyed, many dead. Later on I find signs from people thanking volunteers/gifters to build up their life again, and a picture-book showing photographs. Impressive. Now I also get why there is a Tsunami Evacuation Drill on the 13th of September.

The next morning I get up very early again; 06:30 and we head out around seven for the dive. It is almost twice as expensive as the Perhentians and it's useless to shop around, as every dive-shop has the same price, the same tours, the same packages. b******s! I finally picked one that had a videographer with us, filming all the dives. The dives were okayish. I wouldn't say really worth the money I paid for it. Visibility about 6-7 metres only and mostly common tropical fish. I did see several lionfish, and a sea snake though, which was really cool. Also my first shark - somewhere far away, vague, and out of sight within seconds. The best: a jellyfish being eaten by fish. They look absolutely stunning when "swimming", the skirt pulsating up and down, the tentacles trailing behind. Not lucky this one. Mr. Jelly tries a frantic escape towards the bottom of the sea, but the fish just leisurely follow it and nibble away, impervious to its poison. Brilliant! Take that you damn jelly!

Between the two dives we have lunch and an hour-half break. I asked the captain to stop at Koh Phi Phi Leh so that I can have a look. On this - uninhabited - island is Maya Bay, immensely popular since it featured in the movie 'The Beach' with Leonardo di Caprio. Never seen it, but if everybody is so crazy about it I have to go and see the bay. Plus, it looks stunning on postcards! Btw, I wrote earlier that a James Bond location in 'The Man With The Golden Gun' was filmed at Halong Bay. Well, it wasn't there, it was here, on one of these islands; aptly named: James Bond Island.

So the boat stops at the back entrance of the beach, I get a mask and fins and have to swim to the island. I make it quite easily, go up the rusty stairs and approach the bay from inland. Eh... is this it? Ok, the sky is not deep blue, the sun could be stronger but it's really not that amazing as people make out to be. Plus the beach is full of tourists, the water is full with rubbish, and there is a sign to pay 200B to enter the beach and 400B for the whole island!! What the? Just because of the film? Idiots, I'm telling you, people are idiots. I'm done in about 10 minutes, walk back and swim back to the boat. Well, try to, because I don't seem to be making any progress. Even with fins the current is so strong that I hardly move forward. That's why it was so easy on the way in. Without fins I would be helpless. When I finally get back on the boat I'm exhausted. Didn't sign up for this.

Oh, my ears are fine, I equalise by swallowing, that's the only way it works for me. I now know exactly what the ear-pan feels like, and at the slightest feeling I go up a bit, swallow and go down again. It works :D Yaaay!

After the dive it's still only noon, so nothing really to do but sunbathe. But at Long Beach, which is further out. Not crowded and much cleaner. I do walk up to the viewpoint again for a high-tide photograph. Damn stairs! In the evening me and some Irish people from the dorm and head off to the Reggae bar to see a Muay-Thai fight and free drinks. Nearly not as impressive as in Bangkok, amateurs. Still makes for good fun though :)

The 12th is spent exploring the Jungle. Walk to viewpoint again - stairs!! *argh*, then further on and down on the other side through the dense foliage and a steep path to Rantee Bay. Really nobody here and really clean. Now this is more paradisy! Not really feeling up to making my way up the mountain again I follow the coastline to get back to Long Beach and Tonsai Village. Just these damn rocks. Slippery, wet, I did at least 2 hours for the small kilometre that this was.

Tsunami Evacuation Drill! My boat for Railay doesn't leave until three in the afternoon so I'm still here to witness the drill.

Around 09:30 the sirens start up and the big speakers blare all over the island. The following:
"Attention Please! Attention Please!"
"There is an earthquake in the sea. Tsunami expected"
"Move to higher ground as soon as possible"

Then, half an hour later:
"Attention Please! Attention Please!"
"There is a tsunami'
"Leave the beach urgently and move to higher ground as soon as possible"

Another half an hour later:
"Attention Please! Attention Please!"
"The situation is back to normal. Please continue to help the victims"

But in a voice so monotonous that you'd be more likely to fall asleep than do anything else. Think an Arnold Schwarzenegger accent without any emotion, bad English. It was so hilarious I could barely stop laughing and we kept repeating the sentences trying to make the best imitation. Nobody moved an inch from the beach...

[*] I don't know why I'm complaining though, every beach-side place in Europe looks exactly the same, yet we accept it. We don't moan that it's not 'Spanish' or 'Hungarian' by Balaton. Why then should this be different?