KANCHANABURI TO NAKHON PATHOM

Day 1 - Markets, Museums

A minibus picks us up later than scheduled and drives through the streets of Bangkok until we reach the outskirts where we travel through waterlogged roads to reach the 'Damnoensaduak' floating market, which these days is just for us tourists. The torrential rain from the morning has been replaced by scorching sun by the time we reach the canals of floating shops and narrow boats selling various tourist tat and exotic fruits. Laughably, they literally hook you in as you float past in the longboat that we paid 300 Baht for, just for half an hour of being shunted around like watery dodgems.

Back to the minibus for a drive to the famous bridge over the River Kwai at Kanchanaburi - and it's all rather twee. It's obviously been re-built and now features a gaily painted mini steam train running tourists across it. The "Jeath Museum" at the foot of the bridge is appallingly bad - a ramshackle collection of WWII era" relics" thrown together with comically graphic explanations (with dubious English translations presented on A4 photocopies like an office staff notice board) and laughable mannequins in varying grotesque position as visual aids.

Our next stop was the Tiger Temple which is a Buddhist temple, but not in the traditional sense - it's more of a muddy, open "zoo" (and just as depressing) full of rescued orphaned tigers that have since been raised in captivity. It has been accused in the past of dubious practises regarding the welfare of its inmates, but the guides are swift to alleviate any fears of wrong-doing to the majestic beasts. It's hard to allay the suspicion that the creatures have been drugged in some way, being as they are lolling around in the afternoon heat whilst the staff lead us by the hand to have our photos taken by them. We're informed that this is because they have just eaten and are in post meal slump, and, just with any domestic cat, they just enjoy sleeping for the majority of the day......hhhmmmmmmm.

The park is populated by various other beasts including boar, deer, horses, buffalo, cows and a caged bear that is lying prone on a shelf appearing to dry-hump the fence railings. The Buddhist monks walk amongst the tourists and animals, with a slight air of menace enhanced by the elaborate tattoos partially revealed on their backs.

A stop at Saiyok Noi waterfall follows, where fully-clothed local kids compete for space with the scantily-clad hordes of Eastern European tourists making "sexy" poses in front of the falls. It's a strange spectacle to witness: the pasty, voluptuous women in skimpy bikinis arrange themselves "seductively" on the rocks whilst their skinny, pot-bellied, Speedo-wearing partners snap away eagerly ... We walk past to eventually discover a small, remote cave up a small hillside containing some creepy Buddha statues, which was a relief as we worried our Buddha quota had not been fulfilled that day.

Later after dinner, the man who has been sat quietly working his way through a bottle of whiskey hops in the drivers seat of our pickup truck and weaves his way along winding roads and muddy tracks surrounded by local farmland and fields of mangos, bananas, coconuts, chillies and basil - finally reaching our accommodation in one piece. A bamboo structure floating on the river complete with electrics, fan, shower, toilet, a sink that fell from the wall when I put my hand on it and an array of wildlife - ants, lizards, spiders - who all ensured Katy got a good nights sleep.

Day 2 Bad Karma/The Fall(s)

Numerous treks, jumping out of planes, rafting white water rapids, ascending volcanoes, piranha fishing and riding death road has left us feeling pretty fearless or just foolhardy, so a pithy waterfall should have presented us with little challenge.

Naturally, I wanted to make sure we got to the top which was supposed to be the most beautiful of all the 7 tiers of Erawan Waterfall. To get there we bypassed the other 6 tiers of smaller less scenic falls and negotiated rivers, fallen tree trunks, stepping stones and treacherous, slippery muddy slopes in the muggy heat. So far, so good. The top falls are a spectacular cascade crashing over large boulders to form churning pools filtering down to calmer pools gentle enough to paddle in. Surprisingly we were first to the top but our solitude and enjoyment of the tranquility was soon disturbed by more crowds of pale-skinned, glamour mag wannabes quickly undressing to their unflattering swimwear and scrabbling over the slippery rocks for more awkward "sexy" poses.

It's time to go, so as gracefully as possible, trying not to think about what might be lurking beneath the muddy waters and wincing as we stubbed our toes we headed back through the throng . There is a constant flow of human traffic heading towards the water by this point and the path is much muddier than before. Attempting to traverse the steep rocks and steps my bare wet feet slide out from under me causing me to put out my hand to break my fall resulting in a nasty gash along my palm.

The first aid kit that Katy has teased me about carrying is safely stowed back at the accommodation so she straps up my injury with the towel that she's been using to mop her sweaty brow....We make our way V-E-R-Y carefully back to the rangers office, where I get patched up some more with a few dabs of iodine and a terrible attempt at a bandage, only mildly worried about the deep cut and the possibility of infection...

By the time we get to the Hellfire Pass Museum I'm feeling thoroughly sorry for myself, but the historical significance of the place resonates enough to keep us both distracted. The museum is a tribute to the thousands who lost their lives building the Burma to Thailand railway during the 2nd World War. This museum is infinitely better than the one right next to the River Kwai and covers the same history. We went for a sombre walk along the section of track known as "Hellfire Pass" - you could still see evidence of the manual drill holes they bored to break through the sheer granite rock to clear the path for the railway line - all done by hand in abhorrent conditions.

Finally back at the accommodation I take another look at my injury, giving it a clean and new bandage from my trusty first aid kit....

Day 3 - Elephants

Feel terrible all day thanks to crap nights sleep from thunderous snoring from next door, dodgy guts, nausea and an intense headache. This is not an ideal condition for a trip to the elephant park, particularly being jolted around on the small bench balanced precariously on the great pachyderm's back. We can't help but get a bit excited at the chance of riding these majestic creatures - they really are impressive up close. Unfortunately the way in which they are treated leaves a bitter taste to the experience. The 'Mahout' is the guy in charge of the elephant who rides upfront and carries a kind of small metal pickaxe which he uses to beat the creature about the head and ears for any misdemeanour. Some of the elephant trainers are chatty and friendly, but ours, on the head of our shackled animal, is sullen and unwilling to answer any questions we have about our ride. The others in the group get to sit on the head of their elephants, Mr Grumpy makes it clear that we won't be...

A bamboo raft ride and some pharmaceuticals later we're off in the minibus that drops us at the train station at Nakhon Pathom. We get dropped by the side of the road and are required to make a quick sprint with our bags across the rail-tracks to reach the platform.

The massive Buddhist 'Chedi' opposite the station exit charges entry so we take some snaps from across the road and continue to investigate the small town (whilst getting funny looks at the blue plastic glove that's keeping my wound clean) - there's not a lot here, except a high level river lined with shops preparing for potential flooding by building small concrete walls or make-shift ones with sandbags.

We finally try our luck with street food here at a vibrant stall with lots of locals sat around on cheap plastic seats. The main focus is the frenzy of activity under the spot lamps: various pots of different sizes bubbling with exotic looking dishes which we can only guess at. We try a couple of dishes each - mine are so spicy that they leave my lips burning from the intense chilli heat.

Back at the train station we check our tickets one last time and Katy notices something....they're dated for yesterday! WTF?!?!? That ***** at the dodgy "tourist information office" in Bangkok has sold us dodgy tickets! Absolutely fuming, we fork out the extra for 2 new tickets and board the train.....