CHIANG MAI 21/10/11 - 28/10/11

After almost 2 days of travel from south to north Thailand we finally arrived in Chiang Mai, tired but happy to be back on track with our original itinerary!

Our hostel in Chiang Mai was simple but really nice, run by Keith - salt of the earth Englishman who was suffering from terrible Bronchitis whilst we were there, not that you'd know it from his daily morning fry up and incessant smoking, and his partner in crime Ratti - tough little Thai lady with a big toothy grin and mischievous glint in her eye … and possibly the best eggs and bacon Dean has had in the last few months!

Our first day in Chiang Mai we cracked on with making a plan, eager to fit in the 3 main tourist attractions: hill tribe trek, cookery class and the ominous Thai massage. After a philosophical deep & meaningful with Keith over the ethics of visiting the Long Necked Karen tribe who are based North of Chiang Mai*, we elected not to visit the Long Necks but instead to do a hilltribe trek which would take us South of Chiang Mai. We also settled on a cookery course and massage parlour all recommended by the hostel and Ratti eagerly booked everything for us with a nod of approval and the promise of a 10% discount because she had "special arrangement".

*The Long Neck Karens are originally from Bhurma, but settled in Thailand in the late '80's. They can't return to their home country but they also have never been granted Thai citizenship and don't receive any real support from the Thai government so they struggle to survive and inviting tourism into their homes is the only way they can make any money. Over time they've become a tourist attraction due to the long-necked women of the tribe, who from a young age are raised wearing thick gold bands around their necks, adding bands as their necks extend until they are a few inches longer than normal.

You hear various "facts" about this tradition - for instance we'd heard that the women can't take the bands off because they don't have the muscles needed to support their heads and doing so would ultimately result in death. We also had the impression that the women have no choice in the matter, being forced to wear the bands from a young age. However later we found out from a couple who had visited the tribe that the women CAN remove the neck bands without dropping dead - in fact they usually do at night so they can rest/sleep. The couple also learnt that not all the women in the tribe have to wear the bands, only girls born on a Wednesday and that they can actually choose not to wear the bands if they don't want to. Finally, the Thai government has apparently started providing the children of the tribe with free schooling within their community.

With our plan made we spent the rest of our first day wandering around the city. Chiang Mai is a lovely place with a very summery, relaxed feel to it, seeming to operate at just a notch below the usual clamour found elsewhere in Thailand. The centre of the city is surrounded by a wide, square moat and on each side you can find the crumbly brick remains of the old city gates. We strolled around in the midday heat (only mad dogs and Englishmen right?) and stopped by a couple of temples, admiring the ornate and colourful designs which we had seen all over Thailand. Here though, the temples felt somehow more serene. The architecture (Lanna) was a bit more reserved, whilst still very decorative. Each temple consisted of a main hall, perhaps an old library and usually several chedi, all spaced out in a beautiful garden setting, with short Buddhist philosophies elegantly scrawled onto pieces of wood and hung from trees and posts, to remind visitors of the simple important things in life along the lines of "be excellent to one another"…….. Wat Chedi Luang was the best - an ancient temple complex featuring an enormous chedi that was the tallest in Thailand until it crumbled in an earthquake in 1545. A fantastic brick structure partially re-built, the glitz and chintz of its earlier design has faded over the years and now all you see is the grey brick with the odd patch of moss and a few weeds growing here and there.

Also offered at this particular temple was Monk Chat - the opportunity to sit and chat to the local monks - a way for them to practice their English and a way for travelers to learn more about Buddhism. Dean was quite keen to take part, there was a specific question that had been bugging him for ages - "when did Buddha get fat"? In the end we passed on Monk Chat, deciding to try and fit it in another day,

After I'd finished getting us lost, (much to Dean's amusement as I've frequently berated him for his atrocious map-reading), we headed to a street which each Saturday night is closed to traffic and turned into a "walking street market". The market was fantastic - packed full of all the usual tourist wares (silk scarves, baggy harem pants, t-shirts emblazoned with the local beer logos, embroidered bags, silver jewellery, wooden carved stuff etc), and bustling with locals and tourists alike, all staring hungrily at the myriad of food stalls selling tasty grilled goods. The only thing which was a bit peculiar about this market was the row of young and old performers forming a line down the length of the road, most of them disabled or in some sort of bad state. At the happier end of the spectrum there were a few groups of teenage lads singing Beatles songs very badly. But for the most part this row of people consisted of blind, elderly men and women, often amputees or crippled in some way. Some were sat in groups playing in a band, others appeared to have been unceremoniously delivered and left in their wheelchair in the middle of the road, selling trinkets until their owner returned to collect them. It was a sad sight as the human traffic flowed steadily either side of this unusual row of performers. We stopped and watched a young girl playing a local instrument for a while - I took a photo and Dean gave her some money, which she thanked us for with an icy glare.

We wandered up and down for a bit, Dean bought 2 new t-shirts and we munched on some meatballs on a stick which came in a bag with some spicy sauce thrown in and a chewy squid (also on a stick). Finally we went back out to the main road and enjoyed some cheap pork noodle soup at a roadside food stall.

The next morning we were up early, suited and booted and ready for our 3 day hilltribe trek. In our group there were 3 others - a Thai girl and her Japanese boyfriend and a German girl. We exchanged the usual tentative hellos and set off in a small pick-up - us bouncing around in the back like lottery balls whilst our guide enjoyed some better suspension in the front with the driver. First stop on the way to begin our trek was a local market where the guide picked up some ingredients for later in the day. We sensibly picked up some extra loo roll and mosquito spray, but avoided the dubious looking meat snack stands at this grungy looking roadside stop. Half an hour later we hopped back in the truck and continued driving for an hour along a winding mountain road until we were finally deposited at the foot of a path which, after 20mins of dodging huge spider-webs and one near-run-in with a snake, led us to a gorgeous waterfall. The guide led us right up to the first pool where the water was crashing down and, eager to cool off we all stripped down to swimsuits and slipped and slid our way across the slimy rocks, edging as close as we could to the roar … only the boys made it up close to the actual water curtain (Dean included despite previous waterfall-related disaster), as even the spray was cold and strong enough to have us ladies pinned back by the shore. After a bit of this we all retreated further downstream from the waterfall and sat in the sun to dry off and eat our lunch of fried rice and vegetables. It was all very peaceful and lovely.

Back in the truck we made a quick drive to the base of a hilltop temple. Feeling all refreshed after the swim, we were soon all sweating again as we climbed the long windy staircase to the top. Here we looked out at amazing views and wandered around the scattering of shrines and small temple buildings. Dotted here and there were Buddha statues in the various traditional poses, including early images of a starving Buddha and a huge seated Buddha. Everything was partially covered in undergrowth and there was an eerie silence to the place.

Finally, after another increasingly bumpy drive along a potholed mountain road, we arrived at the starting point for our trek - we had a 2hr walk ahead of us in the boiling sun but we were looking forward to it.

It didn't take long for us to realize that the theme of this particular trek was going to be the creepy-crawlies … "Spiders and Leeches and Snakes … OH MY!"

Before we had even left the village where the trek began our guide stopped dead in his tracks, smelling something suspicious and then spotting a dead cobra, which he informed us had probably been killed by the villagers and left to rot in the sun. As you can imagine I was less than thrilled, snakes being one of my biggest fears (along now with crocs, leeches, cockroaches and various other horrors), but our guide, who had this daft giggly way about him, laughed it off and on we went.

For 2 hours we fought our way through thick forests, wobbled along narrow, overgrown rice paddy paths and jumped over muddy, streams. We ducked and weaved as the guide karate-chopped his way through the bush, knocking the worst of the spiderwebs to one side so that we could dodge past them. I felt almost transfixed by the size of these things. They were huge and brightly coloured, with bodies the size of a walnut and legs that easily spanned the width of Dean's hand. The guide was pretty good, pointing out various curiosities as we went, including another really cool spider which looked more like a small beetle with 2 huge horns on its head. Apart from spiders we also saw huge, beautiful butterflies, massive stick insects … and horror of horrors … Leeches. I've never seen a real leech before but I was already grossed out at the thought of them. We'd read that we might encounter leeches on a trek at this time of year, especially near streams or waterlogged rice fields. Sure enough we stopped to admire the view near a field and suddenly the guide was pointing at Dean's shoe. Clinging to the side of his walking boot was a tiny black worm, no longer than 1cm and only 1 or 2mm thick. I'd been expecting something more like a slug so for a second I almost believed this tiny thing wasn't that bad after all. And then it started moving. Head - toe - head - toe … speedily it climbed up Dean's shoe with more menace and purpose than is surely possible from something so small. Dean started hopping round like a girl and shrieking for someone to get it off before it got in his sock and the guide finally whipped out a lighter and held the flame up to the leech just long enough for it to wince back and drop off to the ground. For the rest of the trek we were all watching the ground nervously, especially around wet areas in case another leech was lurking … thankfully they only seemed to like Dean, who successfully picked up another one by a stream. This time the guide picked the leech off Dean's shoe with his fingers and squashed it between his palms - only to open his hands and show us that the damn thing hadn't been flattened a bit!! He rolled it between his fingers but it only seemed to bend and stretch like a bit of putty. He stuck it back on the ground and we all watched as it stood on its tail, straight up in the air, sniffing out for the next passing creature it could latch on to. Totally gross.

Eventually, with the sun starting to dip in the sky we reached the "hilltribe" village where we would be staying the night - this tribe is also called the Karen tribe but they are not the same as the long-necks. We walked through the village - just a small collection of huts on stilts, most of them with a big TV satellite parked out front, and hardly a soul in sight. We passed through in a matter of minutes and walked 100m further down the road and through a gate into an open area which contained 3 buildings: a small bathroom hut, another hut on stilts and a long low hut where us tourists would sleep altogether - not quite the hilltribe experience we were hoping before…

Nonetheless we were all glad to have a quick wash after the hot, sweaty trek, dowsing ourselves with bowls of cold water from a big plastic bucket in the "bathroom" and we soon settled down at the table outside our sleeping room to natter over a beer. Finally some of the local villagers began appearing, first some children who tried to sell us some simple bracelets and necklaces, but when they soon disappeared off home when they realized we weren't going to buy anything. Next an elderly lady with black-stained fingers came over selling bags and scarves. Again there was no real exchange - even the Thai girl in our group couldn't talk to her as the woman only spoke the language of her tribe. The woman left too and we were left to wonder whether we'd actually get to "meet" any local tribes people.

Dinner consisted of rice and various meat and vegetable dishes, including something that looked like grey porridge - it turned out to be some sort of fishy puree which was quite nice, in small doses - all of it cooked for us by our guide and one villager who stayed in the other hut in our little field, a very sweet man who greeted us with a broad grin every time he approached us. After dinner we sat around a bonfire, relaxing. Suddenly the guide reappeared, having just been into the cooking hut which was only a couple of metres from where we were sitting, grabbed a stick and took a step back towards the hut before beating at the ground a couple of times and finally scooping something up off the floor. Then he turned around and hurried back towards the bonfire - we briefly caught sight of something hanging off the end of his stick before he deposited it in the fire where it stared to spit and burn. Someone asked "what was that??" to which he replied "snake, a very poisonous one". This snake was only small but apparently quite deadly - we all stared as it died and shriveled up in the fire. I was feeling mildly terrified at this point and spent the next half hour periodically spinning round on my wooden bench and shining my torch into the darkness beyond the bonfire, convinced I was going to find some hideous creature slithering towards me.

Not much later, the tourists all trooped off to bed - the long hut had a raised wood platform running the length of each side with mosquito nets suspended above big square mats. We all chose a spot, modestly distanced from each other and tucked ourselves in, mozzie nets folded under mats. As I expected I spent a restless night not really sleeping, but half-dreaming about spiders and snakes getting into our bed space - in fact the next morning everyone was feeling pretty tired and cold as the temperature had really dropped in the night. Thankfully we were greeted by scrambled eggs with onion, toast and jam, fresh pineapple and endless tea and coffee for breakfast before setting off again on the trek.

The second day of the trek was much longer but took us through quite similar terrain, thick forest, rice paddies and this time also some steep hills and muddy paths. Early on in the day the guide pointed out to us a hole where he knew there was a tarantula living. We all took a peak down the hole and could see just the ends of the creatures legs resting at the bottom. However some of the group were transfixed with wanting to see the full thing, so, perhaps feeling obliged to please his tourists, the guide starts going to all lengths to entice the spider further out. He began by tipping some water down the hole, but before long he had grabbed a big stick and started poking at the tarantula, eventually digging at the hole to make it bigger, causing a large part of the tarantula's home to collapse. Dean by this point had walked off up the path and I knew him to be in a bad mood over the invasion. He discovered his inner eco-warrior earlier in Bolivia when we went anaconda-hunting and this was another instance where he was unimpressed by the guide's conduct … sadly the rest of the group were quite excited to see the tarantula when it finally emerged from its home, legs raised in an aggressive position, but he did get a chance later that evening to convert another eco-warrior when we discussed the ethics of it over a beer.

On the way to lunch we passed through another small village, again consisting of small wooden shacks on stilts. These ones were a bit higher up off the ground and some of them had grey/black pigs or even cows tied up underneath. Dean chatted with the guide and found out that the government helps the villages by paying for electricity and road funds. Every day the adults go to work in the fields, not for money but in exchange for food and drink. If the owner of that field needs supplies himself, he will also go and work in someone else's field - this is part of a concept of self-sufficient living being advocated by the present day king. If the villagers need money they can make more anyway by selling their piglets and calves or by selling handicrafts to tourists, other villagers, or to bulk buyers who come out from the cities to buy the goods which they later sell for a higher price in the city market.

For lunch we stopped in another Karen village, sitting in the weaving hut of a local woman. Surrounded by beautiful hand-woven scarves, table runners, blankets and dresses we enjoyed parcels of noodles wrapped up in big banana leaves, eating with our hands and being careful not to make a mess whilst the woman continued weaving.

We carried on, passing another stunning waterfall, before an extended walk along large man-made river diversions which are designed to irrigate the rice fields to our right. The concrete walls of the waterways were quite high up and narrow at the top and flanked on the right by thick overgrown bushes between us and the rice fields. It was quite difficult following these narrow pathways, knowing that if you fell into the bush on your right there could be any number of bugs, snakes and stingers, or to your left a steep drop into the hard waterway. We moved quite slowly … at one point I was concentrating so hard on the path at my feet that I walked smack into a low hanging branch. Finally we arrived at the last "village" for our second night stay, only to find this time it was no more than tourist accommodation consisting of some chalets and another long hut with mats with not a single villager around or even a village for that matter.

We consoled ourselves with a well-earned dinner, a few beers and another bonfire, where this time someone asked our guide to sing us a Thai song and to our (concealed) amusement he whipped out his mobile phone, looked up some song lyrics and sang us what could only be a Thai pop song.

After a better nights sleep due to us all being tired after the days walking, our last day held in store for us 3 main events: rubber boating, another elephant ride and bamboo rafting. The rubber boating was a bit of a pointless cowboy operation involving no real excitement except for having to duck the occasional tree branch. Dean sat in the back with me in the middle and a different guide in the front, who kept looking at Dean and gesturing at him to steer, a harder task than it sounds considering Dean only had a pole and no instructions as to what to do with it. The elephant ride was a bit more "exciting" than our earlier experience in Kanchanaburi, as our elephant was apparently very hungry and wouldn't do anything his mahout asked him to. We trekked for about an hour along narrow and sometimes steep paths through dense vegetation. The elephant would suddenly lunge up or down the nearby banks, desperately trying to reach the tastiest leaves and sending Dean and I lurching about in our already uncomfortable metal bench. We were better prepared this time and had bought a bag of bananas. It was fun handing the fruit down to our elephants inquisitive nose, but he soon decided that he had a 2 banana minimum rule or he wouldn't budge an inch for ages!

Lastly we all donned life jackets and balanced our way onto a narrow bamboo raft. Again Dean was put at the back, given a stick and told to stand up this time and help manoeuvre the boat. Dean and I cracked a few nervous jokes about how bad his balance is and sure enough, after only a few minutes he totally stacked it and tumbled into the river. Once he'd clambered back onboard we continued downstream for a while, jumping off to walk along the bank whilst our bamboo captain skillfully navigated some rapids before we hopped back on. A short while later it was all over and we were back on dry land, beers in hand bouncing our way back to Chiang Mai in a pick-up. Back at Finlay's Cottage we took much needed showers and crashed out in a lovely bug-free room.

The next day we took a taxi up to Doi Suthep, a big hill just outside of Chiang Mai where we visited Wat Phrathat, a massive gold shimmering temple. We spent an hour walking around the beautiful buildings and admiring the views from this high point. There were a few young groups dressed in colourful costumes performing traditional dances. Dean got a sausage on a stick only to find it was stuffed with rice not meat, and I got a cup of sweetcorn which tasted good except for the sweet milk sauce it was served in.

This was all just killing time though before what we were hoping would be a highlight of our time in Thailand - a traditional massage! That evening we were booked in for an "Aromatherapy Herbal Massage" at Faa Lanna which had been recommended to us by Keith. We finally found the place after a bit of difficulty and were ushered into the small spa. Instantly we were enveloped in the calming atmosphere of the place, encouraged by the soft music, dim lighting and smell of incense. We were told to sit down whilst we had our feet gently washed and then we were taken off to 2 separate small massage rooms. What followed was almost 2 hours of alternating heaven and hell. We were both having similar things - a full body scrub, followed by a full body massage with oils, then Dean was having a special foot massage whilst I was having a facial. The scrub was lush at first, but they're not shy those ladies and before long my legs felt rubbed raw. Nonetheless my skin felt soft when I later showered off the remaining grains in a little shower room before returning to the room for the oil massage. Lying on my front I was hoping the massage would be a bit more gentle than the "traditional Thai massage", which involves much pulling, bending and stretching of limbs and which we'd purposefully avoided. I was slightly horrified then when I felt the little Thai masseuse literally climb onto me - her hands resting on my back and her knees and feet resting on my thighs and calves. Then the kneading began and for the next what-felt-like-ages I was vigorously massaged, rubbed and tweaked (she yanked and snapped my toes - Eek!). Although it was sort of pleasant, like a good MOT after 4 months of travel, I was a little bit glad when it finished and I could finally sit back and enjoy my first ever facial. This bit was great - again a tad rough maybe with the old scrub but my skin needed it. I left that spa with glowing skin which had been cleared of Argentine steak & wine-related pimples and stayed healthy for many weeks afterwards - amazing. Dean left the spa looking and feeling a bit weirded out after the whole experience - I think he enjoyed it, especially the foot rub, but I don't think he'll be doing it again in a hurry!

After our massages, we staggered dreamily into the local night bazaar and for the next couple of hours were bombarded by the sights and sounds of a fantastic market, crammed full of brightly lit stalls selling anything from I HEART CHIANG MAI t-shirts to CDs of traditional music, intricately carved bars of soap, plus all the staples (handbags, scarves, jewellery). Sadly we weren't buying, but we did sit down for dinner. The food wasn't the best but it was soon made more interesting when we spotted a hoard of lady-boys in full drag, trying to entice the tourists to attend their Cabaret show that night. After food we took a longer walk back to the hostel, following one road which was meant to be a good stop for a drink. It was however a bit seedier than we'd anticipated - all neon and ultra-violet lights with bars blasting out crap music, heavily made-up Thai women trying to pull in the young, drunk westerners and older gentlemen strolling around with their young Thai girlfriends. Closer to home we found a quieter bar, graced with some equally made-up but somewhat older Thai women where we stopped for a few cocktails and listened to a great young band doing some fantastically bad renditions of classic rock songs. Actually they weren't half bad and I found myself delivering a whoop or two with applause (they were good cocktails).

We woke up feeling a bit ropey the next day only to find we'd overslept and had only 2 minutes to shower and throw on some clothes. Lovely Ratti came knocking on our door as we were desperately getting ready, to tell us our lift was here - embarrassed we stumbled out the door, there was some confusion as we tried to explain we'd overslept to Ratti and she dashed off to fetch us a glass of water (lost in translation?) and finally we were on our way for a day of cooking and eating - the perfect antidote for a hangover surely?

We arrived at the Asia Scenic cooking class which was held in a covered outdoor setting in town. We spent the next several hours being tutored by a young, camp Thai lad who introduced himself as "A" and could have easily been one of the ladyboys from the Cabaret the night before. We began the day with a walk round the homegrown herb garden and a trip to the nearby market to buy ingredients for our personally selected menus. There were 8 in our group and we each got to choose 6 dishes, each from a different category: a starter, a soup, a noodle dish, a curry paste and the actual curry and a pudding. After some interesting information about the market products we had a few minutes to take photos, whilst Dean rushed off for a coffee and I grabbed some breakfast bananas…we were almost feeling normal!

Back at the cookery school we began a process of demonstration, all stood round a massive wooden chopping table, dressed in matching aprons and watching and imitating A's expert preparation, before moving to a row of makeshift cooking stations, each with 2 hobs, a narrow side counter and bottles of the Thai cooking essentials - oil, fish sauce and soy sauce. With a quick demonstration and a few barked instructions we were off, a frenzy of cooking excitement. In between cooking we would all sit back down and enjoy what we'd prepared, tasting each others dishes and slowly getting very full. A was fantastic - throughout the day it was a running joke for him how spicy or tame we made our dishes … only it wasn't "spicy" food, it was "SEXY" food - "you know we Thais we like our food SEXee, so if you like your food SEXee you can put a lot of flavour, a lot of spice in, but if you do not like SEXee food, is ok, you can use less spice (disapproving look)". He seemed to take a bit of a shine to Dean, who liked to make all of his food very sexy indeed and often when we were sat around talking and eating, Dean was having his ear chewed off by the lovely A. By the end of the day we were thoroughly spoilt with the delicious dishes and could barely move. It was great fun - I'm usually a hopeless cook, not that I don't try but I tend to lose patience after a while, so a whole day of cooking should have been awful, but it was all brilliant. Dean's spring rolls were ace and I really liked my noodles - happily at the end we were all presented with a cook book with all the recipes in so we will no doubt be preparing a Thai feast somewhere near you soon…

Our time in Chiang Mai was at an end. The next morning we were up on time (this time) and packed into a bus headed for the border with Laos. We reached the border after a day on the bus and were put up for the night in a hotel on the Thailand side. The whole thing was quite a smooth operation - we'd booked it with Ratti at the hostel, and the 3 day journey would take us all the way through to Luang Prabang on the Laos side. The second day we crossed the border in the morning and spent the rest of that day and the third day spent sat, for 6-9hrs at a time on a cramped "slow boat". This is a must-do experience of travel in South East Asia - although doing it once is usually more than enough. The boats are cramped with more passengers than seats. We spent our first day sat on the hard floor whiling away the time with books, itinerary plans and card games. The views of the Mekong are immense at first - it's like a huge brown serpent snaking its way through Asia, at points so incredibly wide and with stunning backdrops of vegetation and mountains. However after 6 or so hours it gets a bit same-same. The boat would stop every so often to unload or board locals, at one point a gang of kids probably no older than 7 or 8 came on selling beer. On the second night we were all dropped off in a backend of nowhere riverside town, the only purpose of which seems to be the overnight stop that people doing this slowboat route are forced to make. It was fine enough for one night, except for the shot of local Lao whisky which Dean was given after our dinner and which roughed him up the next day. Eventually at the end of the third day, and after a couple of rain showers which had put everyone in a bad mood, we pulled in at Luang Prabang, glad to finally be rid of the cramped boat and set off to find our hostel.

x Katy