There had been many jokes made about our decision to go to French Polynesia.But I still stand by our decision to go somewhere different rather then the normal tourist trail to Fiji or Easter Island.All the jokes of course had the same homosexual theme to them and yes lets face it this is a dream honeymoon destination.Honeymoon is even a purpose of visit option on the immigration form.However for all the bantering and jokes from everyone at home it didn't quite prepare us for just quite how gay we would look.The moment we got to the terminal we had a look around and yes it was all couples.And that was when we started getting a few looks back.It didn't help that we were wearing dark jeans, red t shirts and grey tops.Oh and we had the same rucksacks.Oh and Olli was wearing purple socks with pink hearts on.

When we got on the plane it was how I sort of imagined it to be but had hopped it wouldn't be.There was island music playing and we were instantly given flowers to put behind our ears.The flight was just over 8 hours so they would dry out but there was always a member of the flight crew on hand to get you a new one.They were indeed very keen that we wear our flowers to create the right atmosphere.Still it was amusing most amusing to watch Olli go to sleep with a flower behind his ear like a engineer with his pen only to wake up with a dried up lump of rot in its place.The plane interior was also decorated in this disgusting aqua blue with flowers printed on it.Any flat surface that didn't have a warning sign was plastered in this pattern.But every downside has an upside and we found everything on the plane was indeed free again and I could have as much wine as I wanted.

We arrived in Papeete just before 6am local time and the temperature was already 24c.When we got off the plane there were more people shoving flowers behind our ears before we even got to passport control.We headed for a cash machine at the earliest opportunity.Some guidance here for anyone who might go here.However much money you need just take a little bit out many times.Because of tip and taxing America we are going to try to live on less then £5 a day after hostel costs.So I took out about £240 or so which would pay for the hostel and leave me with more then enough in the event of an emergency.This worked out at roughly 35,000 francs which was distributed primarily in 3 notes with a value of 10,000 each.These are completely useless as no one wants to give change for them.They would rather lose the business.

We got a bus from the airport down to the main part of town and then walked to the ferry.We missed the next ferry to Moorea by about two minutes.If my leg was working properly we would have made it.At least this gave us time to have a look around the port a bit and in a few car show rooms.Base models started at over a million franks and Olli got very excited whenever he saw a Hyundai.

When we got the next ferry we found ourselves some seats up on the top deck and also endured more mocking.Again we were surrounded by couples.The old American couple behind us were openly laughing and pointing at us.It is possible that the over sized aviators we were wearing compounded the problem.

When we first arrived in French Polynesia I had high hopes.Previous experience of the French has shown that they are rarely friendly or interested in talking to you.You can sit and talk to one for 10 minutes and yet when you walk past them half an hour later they will totally blank you.This is not just my own unique opinion of them - quite a number of other travellers I have spoken to have found this with only a small number of pleasant exceptions.However on first glance the people of Tahiti were all very friendly and accommodating.Maybe they should not be compared to the French of France.

This pleasant break from the norm would end abruptly at the port in Moorea.We needed to get a bus to Camping Nelson which Simon and Craig stayed at last year and kindly gave us a heads up on.Oddly there appeared to be only one bus which just circles the island in an anti clockwise direction completing a circuit every 2 hours or so.The bus driver was as unfriendly, difficult as I had ever come across.Whilst he was happy to give Olli change he decided that I was unworthy to pass through the holy gates into his bus.He would not give me change (damn those big notes).He had the money because what Olli had paid with was the perfect change for me but no I would have to just hand over 1000 francs for a 300 franc ride.Sod that I thought.If he wants to be obtuse he can sit around and wait while I hunt through my bag for the exact change.This did not impress the God of the bus and with out warning he drove off with me still standing in the open doorway.I managed to stay in and get to the back of the bus with Olli and after all that he still charged me when I got off.

However none of this was important.Maybe he was a one off.We were staying on a paradise island and only paying a little over £10 a night to stay on a coastline so fantastic that there was both an Intercontinental and Hilton 20 minutes walk away.There was though a problem with the women in charge.Simon had given me a heads up that she was a bit off but maybe he was just being nice or maybe she has become more deranged since he was here.She was a complete lunatic, she has no manners, she does not listen and she does not care.I have been told off for something trivial everyday since I have been here.Heinous crimes I have committed include walking a small amount of water into the tiled open air kitchen, turning a tap on so that the sink can fill so I can wash my clothes - then going to get my clothes with the water still running and so on.She even got very annoyed with me for gutting fresh fish in the kitchen except at this point I was just walking off the beach with a bucket full of very alive and ungutted fish.

I really can not explain how rude this woman was - everyone there had a story about her and whenever we where floating in the lagoon and the conversation dried up we would discuss her.She would feel very at home on a greyhound.For the most part we did not feel like paying guests but strays she had begrudgingly allowed to stay at her house.

However.Apart from her, the occasional insane local and the French who visit from France (yes there are lots of them here and they are super rude) French Polynesia was insane!Our room can not have been more than 30 metres from the white sand beach which leads out into a lagoon.The beach goes on forever and the lagoon is about 1-1.5 km of aqua blue steaming hot water teaming with tropical fish which eventually leads out to a reef and then the breakers.Within this lagoon is also a coral reef.

On the first day we unpacked and gave all our clothes a well needed wash before chilling out on the beach and getting an early night.What is happening to me?Two early nights in one week?Ultimately though this is the only thing to do in the evening.I had decided I was not going to drink for the whole week because I wanted to be healthy and it costs to much (Olli helpfully pointed out the hotel and bar next door which I had somehow managed not to see and the sun goes down at about 7 at which point it is pitch black.The other thing you may do in the evening is unlikely to happen as no girls seemed to be staying at the campsite.

On Tuesday we had our breakfast of pasta then naturally went to the beach again.Marko who had been there a couple of weeks had managed to borrow a spear gun from someone he knew and there was always plenty of snorkelling gear knocking about so off I went.I had visions of coming back with enough fish for everyone and having a huge cook up but the fish around Tahiti are very extremely intelligent.Not only did they recognise a spear gun but they also knew when it was and wasn't loaded.They would often come back to taunt me missing because I, erm shot my bolt to soon.It took me three hours to catch two.After I caught the second I realised how small the first was.Also it had been dead out of the water in the sun for the best part of two hours and since I had no idea how long it took for a fish to go bad I chucked it back leaving me with one still quite small fish.I went looking for another fish so that there would at least be one each for me and Olli but they had all disappeared.

When I came up out the water to demist my goggles and empty the water from my snorkel everyone was lined up on the beach pointing and shouting to me.My antics had attracted no less then three sharks which had been circling for about 20 minutes.Supposedly though they are fairly harmless to humans unless provoked (another guy called Markus knew someone that lost his hand trying to feed one) so I moved to another part of the lagoon and then gave up.I returned to the shore with my embarrassing catch but was told it was not so bad considering it was my first time.

Next I had to gut the fish.I really enjoyed this part because if you throw the bits back into the lagoon it will usually attract stingrays over and maybe some sharks as well.It was at this point I got one of my daily telling off's.I also learnt that the quicker you walked off and left her talking to herself, the quicker I could get back too working on my sun burn.I cooked it that evening although there was not much to eat it tasted fantastic.I think catching and preparing my own fish is one of the most rewarding things I have ever done.However this does not explain why people in England spend all day in the rain in front of a fishing rod only to throw their catch back in.

I am getting a little bored of repeating myself and I am sure you are as well.Yes a lot of Wednesday was spent on the beach.From now on if I am not telling you about an activity assume I was on the beach.While on said beach I spotted an island about 80m out and a few hundred down the coast so decided a bit of exploring was called for.It took roughly an hour to swim out and down to the island (I did have to navigate the coral though).When I got there it was deserted with a falling apart shack.When I have the money I shall buy this island and make it my retreat with an even larger and more luxurious wooden shack.I really couldn't be bothered to swim all the way back so went straight to shore and walked.

That evening we were treated to an incredible sunset which I think most of the people on the camp site and even the locals turned out to see.I didn't know which way to look as another three, or maybe the same three, sharks had turned up close to shore to hunt.I managed to wander out to where they were hunting and got some amazing shots of the sunset with sharks in the picture as well.Sometimes they swam within a few feet and it was incredible to see them up close.I am worried though.I think I am becoming addicted to danger.The endorphins released from the pain when getting the tattoo where insane and the rush when I saw the sharks circling me the other day (even if they are not they dangerous) and now having them swim right by me.There is a serious danger that I might start driving fast when I get home...

We had tried a few times to get through to Air New Zealand and on Thursday we finally did.Within a day of arriving we knew we had not booked to stay here long enough.Although it can be very expensive here we had gone on the Tahition diet of bread and pasta so were not spending much and were loosing the wait we had gained in America.Also we were due to fly out on Sunday when the busses and ferry didn't really run so we would have had to have left on Saturday and hung around at the airport all night until the following Sunday evening.Oh and of course it is paradise.Even the locals refer to it as paradise and they have been here long enough to get used to it.We felt this more then justified staying longer so for the very reasonable charge of £22 each we were able to extend our stay another five nights!

Friday of course was spent on the beach so nothing new to add here apart from Jan getting hit on by a gentleman who had arrived off a cruise and was going up the beach from man to man hoping to get lucky.

Saturday turned into one hell of a day.We started off with a 25 minute walk down towards the intercontinental and then a half hour swim out to where they feed the rays.People are charged around £80 for the pleasure of watching them being fed and as a bonus the sharks normally turn up as well.Because we swam out rather then getting the boat we were of course able to do this for free.Also with 5 of us in the group the person who had arranged the feeding decided it best not start any arguments - the sea is after all free and he couldn't really turn us away.After a few minutes of baiting the fist of the rays appeared and swum right up my chest and onto my face as it thought I was one of the feeders.A few minutes after that the sharks appeared.Ranging from the foot long babies to around 5 feet they looked incredible and swam with such grace.With 20 of them now swimming between us and even through our legs without showing any interest I suddenly did not feel quite the hero I had a few days ago when they had been circling.

Rumours had also started to spread regarding a party on one of the small islands off the coast of Moorea near where we had been off harassing the sharks.No one seemed to know much about it at first and we were not sure who had started the topic.The blame would seem to lie with either Markus or the Easter Island Girl.

I have mentioned a few names previously but now feel I have known people long enough to introduce them to you properly.They also all made our stay on Mooera great fun so deserve it.

Markus is travelling for 5 months between jobs.He starts a new career every 10 years or so.He has sold a diving school and is now looking to let his wife run their consultancy company while he take a job as a manager with company involved with integrating people back into society again.After a year of working on his wife he has persuaded her to let him do a little bit of travelling although she does come out to check up on him regularly at which point I am sure his expenses go through the roof.

The Easter Island girl is known as the EIG because she never really introduced herself properly and never really spoke to anyone other then Francis and Markus.She has supposedly messed herself up on drugs quite a bit and is very hard to talk to.She keeps moaning to Barbara that she has no one to hang around with and talk to but when we invite her to come and watch a film in the evening she says ok but doesn't turn up.She then moans to Barbara that it is because she doesn't speak English (she is of course moaning about life just fine in perfect English, she just pretends not to speak English around everyone else.Oh we are also to young for her to hang out with even though half the group are over 5 years older then her.

As a predominantly male group she obviously became an object of much discussion as we tried to work out what was wrong with her but eventually decided to give up and write her off as a bit stuck up herself.

Anyway the rumours spread until Barbara was wondering around saying it was little King Solomans island and he was having his once a year bash.Another was that it was owned by an Italian (probably mob) and since it turned out to be a very expensive once a month party I think this is more likely.That and there being no hint of any royalty in sight.Someone suggested to Olli it started at about 3.Olli told me and then I ensured it was gospel and Olli was to blame if we arrived and no party had started or there was no party in the first place.

Jan who has been here for about 10 weeks but normally sells yachts for a living set off at about 230 and by 4 was not back so we assumed it was on.So off set myself, Olli, Marko and Markus.Marko was, like Jan, one hell of an entertaining character and together they were quite a pair so socialise with.He had worked in sales for the Hilton in London and although had been offered a senior position with a view to being a director in the imminent future had decided he wanted to do some travelling before getting locked any further in a career.

We were not sure how expensive the ferry was but rumours put it around 700 - 1500F and we were not even sure if that was right.The son of the owner had taken a disliking to one of the guys and told him it would be 8000f to try and put him off.The guy in question shall remain nameless but was slightly odd.He spent a huge amount of time chatting me, olli and any other man up getting worse and worse with drink and pot.The best bit was when he wanted to give Olli a game of chess."no not here on the bench, lets go play in my tent".Oh and he also told people he was psychic which he was not.He would have known he was wasting his time with all the guys at the camp.

On the way to our crossing point we also went past the now closed club med.One of the gates has been busted open giving us access to the club med compound and the 200 or so unused huts which was good fun for a bit.We also decided that we did not need to see how much the ferries were as it would almost certainly be more fun and definitely cheaper to swim to the island.Sadly Markus has passport and docs with him so would have to continue to a ferry point.Sadly he never found one and was sadly missed although he did enjoy having the camp to himself.

Our crossing did not turn out to be quite the big daring adventure we thought it would be.We were able to walk almost halfway between the coral reefs with the water coming to our knees and then we had to swim the last bit.When we caught up with Jan one of the first things to greet us was a drunk local who decided he wanted to fight anyone he could lock eyes with and then would draw a line in the sand and invite you out.Luckily Jan with his control of seven languages was able to calm him by convincing him they were best friends and had been out drinking the other week which worked out just fine.Apart from him there were about 300 people floating around drinking in the water and on the beach and some of the prettiest girls we had ever seen.

We hang around on the beach for a few hours joking and laughing harder then we ever had done before.We later went to the open air make shift wooden club where the bar was and myself and Marko decided that we had been long enough without alcohol.I had extended my stay so had technically been clean for the time I was supposed to have been and we deserved a drink.And drink we did.When it got dark the club really got going with a beat boxer putting one hell of a show on as well.About halfway thought the evening the sky opened and there was one of the heaviest rains I have ever seen.Everyone just carried on partying away.

It finished up at around 10pm (this is late here) and we started discussing how we would get back.Jan and his Tahitian girl were going to chill on the island a little longer and Olli and Jason (a kiwi who arrived on Friday) had already left to find a boat.Marko and me decided that it would be easier just to swim back so he grabbed his flippers and mask, I borrowed a pair and we set off towards the lights of the other shore.Luckily the tide had come in a bit meaning I could just about swim the whole way skimming over the reefs with only a few cuts and scrapes on the coral.

Worryingly when I got there Marko was nowhere to be seen and after I called him for a bit I was really quite concerned I would be reporting a missing person in the morning.I walked all way back to the campsite to get my torch briefly bumping into Olli who had just got back after a very long wait for the ferry and an even longer walk with the monotony only broken up by a brief run in with the police.I went all the way back along the beach looking for Marko when I eventually bumped into Jans lady.She said they were all together and had been looking for me and were now heading along the road to the campsite.Eventually I got back there to find everyone safe and after Jan had given us all copious amounts of French bread with chocolate spread on we pieced together what had happened.

When we had left we had tried to stick together but it hadn't been as easy as we had thought.Marko had somehow managed to swim in a very large circle and ended back up where he started.Since there had been a smaller club on the main island which we had been aiming for he thought he was there and lay in the shallows listening to music and waiting for me.After I didn't turn up he got worried and started looking which was when he realised he was back where he started and bumped into the others still on the island.When they had got the boat across they looked for me but could not find me so walked on the road down to the camp whilst I walked up on the beach.What a c*** up

Sunday morning was a late start especially for me and Marko who had a huge amount of exercise to recover from not to mention a not insignificant amount of beer.This was Marko's last day as he had found a rather entrepreneurial cargo company that had converted their spare cabins into cruise chip style quarters allowing passengers to come on board for one week and go round French Polynesia with regular stops for only £50.It was also a very important day for me as finally my left hand shoulder hardened and peeled off after it got burnt earlier in the week.

Tuesday was Jan's last day which of course meant that with most of the group gone we were in danger of being left on our own with only the French for company which was a somewhat depressing concept.So we thought the best thing to do was throw a party and have a big BBQ while there were still some people left.Weirdly the only food to buck the trend and be cheap was steak which you could buy in large chunks for about £2 and was as good as anything bought in the UK.That day also saw Barbara fully take on the role of mother for the camp.She had recently divorced and decided to take some time out in French Polynesia.She was obviously missing her children though as she took charge over my sun cream regime and sun burn also helped sort out Olli's foot.He had been in a rather unfortunate coral accident.We had been playing with next doors puppies when he ran down the beach stepping onto some dead coral sticking out of the sand putting a rather deep hole in his foot.Over the last few days it had got more and more disgusting until she took him off to clean it out and get some antiseptic lotion on it.

Luckily we were seeing some new arrivals with Josh coming from Holland and Lidliana and Nickoli coming from Switzerland and France respectively.Nickoli was the first genuine and nice French person we had met.He was unique in another respect as well.We often get small showers during the day.They last about 5 minutes and everyone just sits on the beach enjoying the light refreshment or carries on floating around in the hot water.The French on the other hand would all run for cover to get out of the rain.Even the ones in the water.You wouldn't want to get wet after all.Luckily Nickoli was not like this.There was also a couple who had come from America.Nicko was originally from Germany and met Mary at university in America whilst studying there.They were taking some time off to travel before he started his new job in the UK.

Monday was Jan's last day and he had said before he went he would take me out to see the far reef.This meant swimming out to the breakers which I hadn't realised was quite as far as it was.I did it without flippers or mask and it turned out to be over 2.5km there and back!It was well worth it though as I finally understood why we had such a large calm lagoon.The further you swim out the deeper the water gets until it is about 12ft then all of a sudden you hit a wall off rock 20-30ft wide and stretching the whole length of the lagoon in an arc.When you climb up onto the reef the water is only an inch deep but on the other side it instantly drops away to deep to sea and this is where the waves break.

On Tuesday we lost Jan and Markus which meant that me and Olli where the old hands of the camp!We had decided we would like to go out and see the skarks and rays again and got together a few of the freshers who wanted to as well.So we set a time to all meet the next morning and spent the rest of the day chucking the disc around and swimming in the sea.

On Wednesday morning Lidliana, Nicko, Nickoli and Josh set of up the beach towards the intercontinental under the illusion that Me and Olli actually knew what we were talking about.When we got out to the bay their were no boats out feeding and after sitting around for about 45 minutes none appeared.In the end Olli headed back as he had already seen them and me and the other took a punt on it.

We swam out to where the buoys were and the boats normally moored up to feed the rays.Fortunately it would appear that the wildlife in the sea in this part of the island has grown far to accustomed to being fed rather then hunting for it so there were a number of rays asleep at the bottom who woke up upon our arrival.We were a little worried that when the sharks came and discovered there was no food they may just have us but they kept there distance and went when they realised there were going to be no free pickings,.Also without the food getting the rays excited they were quite placid and we were able to dive down and stroke them.

When we got back to the shore we walked partway back to the camp and then prepared to embark upon the next swim.Josh had been told that if you swam out between the first two islands there was fresh water in the sea from underground and because we would have been swimming in salt water it would taste sweet.Before we embarked on our adventure we smashed open a few coconuts on the rocks and had a very minimal lunch.We never did find the fresh water but it was another hour of swimming so we were certainly getting our exercise.

That afternoon Josephine, our lovely French host, decided she had had enough of telling me off herself and that she would delegate to Olli.She wanted him to go and tell me and a couple of others that we were not allowed to sit in the hut outside the premium lodge unless we booked it.Olli tried to tell her that I was out at sea but she would have none of it so in the end he just walked off and left her talking to herself.

Wednesday that evening we had another amazing bbq and towards the end of it Boso came up to us and told us he would be telling a story on the beach at 930 that evening.Boso is another interesting character of the camp.He seems to be a fairly full time resident in his tent and can always be found in a XL snoop dog t-shirt.He seems to survive by making trinkets for tourists but would also appear to have access to more money then that would pay.He also claims to have been both a teacher and a journalist and to have 24 children spread throughout the islands of French Polynesia and the rest of the world.He would also appear to be an alcoholic and was a general drug dealer for visitors to the area.He could either be very nice to you or be an absolute c*** sometimes he would switch between the both.He was on very good terms with Francis until Francis fed the cats some milk in the kitchen and he went totally insane about it.However since he showed me how to cook perfect rice I was happy enough.

I went down to the beach that evening and to my surprise he was there with most of the camp.Although it was all in French Lidliana kept me up to date with the general gist of what he was saying.He started out with an old Tahitian folk story then moved onto the fish in the lagoon and how he would throw every 5th fish he caught back as a gift to the sharks so that fish would continue to come to the lagoon.He also talked of his 24 children and his different tattoos and what they meant in different tribes on the island.

Thursday was our last day on the island and due to bus problems we were going to have to leave earlier then expected and then kill time until our 2am flight on Friday.We went with Francis, Mary and Nicko.Fortunately by this point Francis had given up on us and left us at the port in Papeete.We all went for a quick meal and a drink and found a bar who that would let us leave our bags out back.We all wondered the street for a bit exploring before finishing up at a make shift food court back at the port.Nicko and Mary had a meal and Olli and I thought it was time we made a move to the airport.We hadn't realised that half the buses had stopped running but luckily a taxi driver showed us a stop where there would be a bus.We were greeted by the craziest driver ever who was clearly drunk or drugged.As soon as the door closed his music came on loud and he danced around in the cab until we got to the air port.About an hour latter Nicko and Mary arrived having bumped into some people who worked at the airport who had given them a lift.

Whilst we were sitting in the departures lounge waiting to board our flight Nicko got a call from a friend to check he was ok.He then relayed the conversation to us and we learned of the earthquake in Japan.The worry was that there was a tidal wave going out across the pacific and it would hit French Polynesia.No one in the airport seemed aware of this at the time and we sat there wondering if it was going to just wash through the airport which was right on the north coast facing out towards the quake.We were very relieved when we boarded and took off and only found out when we got to Auckland that although the city and airport had been evacuated to higher ground just after we left.Luckily the waves came in lower then thought at about 3m and did not cause any problems.

French Polynesia was amazing and really was only let down by the owner of the camp and the French visitors.They were so unfriendly and unhelpful that I quickly had began to wonder why, like most Englishmen, I found myself wondering around saying bonjour to everyone I passed like we do in France.I also know English but I don't walk around saying hello to everyone I meet in English speaking countries.I stopped very quickly.

The local population were for the most part really nice but there seemed to be an underlying frustration for them.Perhaps, as a local on the bus on the way to the airport told us, it was because of how much it had changed since it became such a tourist destination with their traditions and heritage being packaged up as some sort of commodity for purchase by them.Also of course so many of them are very poor.They don't go out fishing everyday for fun but because they can not afford food and luxuries are crazy expensive.The French government pours millions into the economy but it would seem that it all goes on wages for a top heavy government system here.

Anyway we are in NZ now in our camper van and we do not get many chances to get onto the internet so will put some more up when we get back to Christchurch.