Vom on the floor……

I head to Granada to meet the girls at the Bearded Monkey, Nicaragua is hot, so very very hot, so when I arrive I pretty much dive into a pot noodle head first & then fall asleep at about 8pm.

The next day the girls have organized Zip Lining for us, which is tres exciting. Had a fabulous time, although to be honest I found it all quite tame, I could have done with it a lot faster and a lot longer lines! Still a good crack though & pretty funny doing the Superwoman & seeing Rachel & Marisa wrapping their legs around some excited local man ;)

That evening we head to the local Irish pub for some delicious food & quiz night! Determined to win we're feeling pretty damn confident so Rachel takes lead as the scribbler, scrabbler or something along those lines & we feel all sort of excitement as the quiz gets on the way. Ok, so it's fair to say we done pretty sh*t, I'm going to give all the credit to Rachel, Marisa & Chris that we even got any questions right whatsoever as I certainly didn't help AT ALL, we end up coming second last haha. On that note I had also heard from a reputable source that the old gringos in there always win, I had my eye on them, the swines!!

As we walk back to the Hostel we decide to stop in a lively sounding bar, the music is pumping so we all get a shot each & a beer & feel happy as pig, then what should happen next you ask? Well Karaoke of course! Ok, anyone that knows me knows I HATE Karaoke; I mean I cannot stand it…almost as much as I hate people who use Limo's to get places. So with my ears bleeding Rachel & Marisa practically wet themselves with excitement (Tash & Fi you are going to love these girls!) & chose 4 songs to warm up :/

I don't want to abuse Rachel & Marisa for their bad music taste, so I won't, but it wasn't good…they sounded fab though even if the songs were a pile of old trash & then we had the pleasure of listening to a group of Spanish couples singing love songs to each other about love, amazing love, sweet love & a bit more love on the side, vom. For some unknown reason, maybe seeing the joy on the girls faces, I decide I might give singing a go…but only to Never Ever by All Saints. Unfortunately they have the tune & before I know it a microphone is being shoved into my face & I'm singing, well trying to sing, while also trying not to let on I am sweating profusely all over the leather couch through sheer fear. I have no idea how I sounded, or if it was any good but we got a clap so that will do & I shall take this as a memory, never to be repeated, ever again.

The next day I have randomly agreed to go to Isla Ompete with the girls on a whim (worked out a great idea) so we head off looking for the bus station which is just a meer 10minute walk…now it's fecking hot, I have a massive backpack & an equally heavy daypack & we now have to maneuver around a frigging falling apart market that is the size of Kent. It's so bad even the power pole has given up & is practically falling down, probably suffering from severe depression or something, just leaning, looking sort of sad, only happy if it manages to fall on someone. I heave my huge bag onto my back, bad times, & follow the girls, cringing while I'm stepping in all sorts of abandoned vegetation. A skanky man wolf whistles over a ledge & then touches my face, I try not to vomit in my mouth but it's proving hard. I have never had so much wolf whistling & harassment in one place, Nicaraguans love perving…just plain perving, yak. We finally make it to the bus station, sweat pouring from me & Rachel (Marisa still looking totally glam) to find it's a chicken bus we will be getting, YAY! :(

We end up stuck on this bus for A WHOLE HOUR, while they fill it with as many people as humanly possible. The heat alone is unbearable & then to make matters more exciting we have people coming on selling random cr*p, shoving it in our faces because that's obviously going to make us want it. There is probably the most skanky child devil thing I have ever seen across from us who is blowing bubbles with her own spit, there is a man with shivelled legs pushing himself along the carriage floor begging (this is sad but not so sad when he gets aggressive with Marisa, the idiot), next we have a gringo who gets on, a lady wearing a top hat & covered in piercings, wearing dodgy trousers with braces & whose totally bald…interesting. It felt like we were at the circus but not one you clap & smile at, one where your tied to the seat & they won't let you escape & then burn you with cigarettes for fun :(

Rachel looked like she was about to start manically laughing at the situation or possibly even punch the disabled man, then along comes an old fat men selling torches & watches, just what you need on a bus journey eh, we politely decline & as he walks off he looks back at me, glares directly at my crotch & then gives me a smirk & a wink. Well with that little gem I of course leaped on him & practically raped him, unable to control my sexual urges from his sweet sweet advances…

If you believe that then you really shouldn't read on as you are stupid :)

So the circus trip begins & we finally arrive at the port for our boat. Thanks to a lovely lady we met on the bus we got a cheap taxi with her (8 of us in the normal size car ~ 3 children, their mum, granddad, me, Rachel & Marisa. I was of course on Rachel's lap), & then also got a cheap boat across to the island. This woman has probably the most adorable kids ever, especially the little girl who was just so so content & calm, I'm not certain I want children but if they all came out like her then I think I would be more inclined.

Magician lady from the bus (bald, piercings etc) blags us a cheapo ride to the town as she is practically a local now, we thank her & arrive at the bottom of where our Hostel is to find a good 1.5k walk up a hill, over rocks and pebbles, ahead of us YIPEEEE. Elated we all hop & skip up the hill to find an Eco Lodge with compost toilets & the reception man who obviously due to being at one with nature, has never had a shower IN HIS LIFE. The place is kinda run down, interesting but kinda cool….ish, luckily for us it's pizza night as normally you cannot buy food there, or anywhere nearby for that matter. While waiting for pizza we decide (well I'm blaming Rachel & Marisa for this one) to buy some bread & homemade nutella…to be frank I cannot & will not call this bread, for future reference this is now called the rock. The girls seemed to like their part of the rock, I decided rather than risk a broken tooth, I would eat the centre & then go for a walk to find a shop (I didn't get far as at this point didn't realise it was 1.5k back down the hill & then 20mins along the gravel path. Fail.)

Pizza that night is good enough & we have some rum, get scared of flying things, get bitten, talk about Rachel & Marisa's breast feeding habits (it saves them money rather than buying breakfast) & just laugh like loons for a good couple of hours. I actually (actually) don't sleep too bad & only lose my beans a little when I have to go to the compost toilet in the dark, animals making noises & bricking it because earlier on Jason showed us a tarantula in the other toilet ARGHHH.

The next morning bright & early we leg it from the Eco Lodge in search of something more, erm, normal and end up in a lovely place owned by a sweet family who also has amazingly cute little girls. Deciding to sack off finding the waterhole (which I am now gutted we missed) because it was a shuttle ride away & there was a severe lack of transport on this Isla! We decide to find the posh Eco Lodge which has a swimming pool! A cool little old gringo lady tells us the way & says it's a steady but easy 1k walk up a hill……well, we felt like wringing the old ladies neck by the time we reached the top! Unless she was a marathon runner or a blinking Gold Medalist in hill walking, then this was not easy. It was steep, so so steep, it's got to be about 40 degrees or something as equally ridiculous, & we are ALL struggling & literally pouring with sweat, in fact it looked like we had already had a dip in the pool, sexy times.

We finally make it to the top & to cut a long story short the girls didn't have their bikini's, I had to buy lunch to go in & only went in once because the people staying there gave me filthy's, it then also got cold because of the wind & being so high up so we had a nice deep & meaningful conversation about our pasts…random…. & then headed back down to civilization.

Blah blah blah I'm boring myself now so need to tie this up….we had amazing dinner in a powercut at a restaurant owned by English people, so with candles lighting our table I feasted on Tender Beef Casserole with mash potato hmm home comforts, & the girls on Vegetarian curry. Went to bed, I found a scorpion (squished it), Gecko's kept poohing on my pillow, esp when I would leave to go to the loo, a massive hornet thing kept bashing into things so I threw a pillow on it to concuss it (it was fine the next morning) & I think when I turned the light off about 300 Gecko's were marching across the tin roof.

We leave Saturday & the girls decide to come to San Juan Del Sur to party it up, well it is Saturday!! ;)

San Juan is a cool little surfer town on the Pacific Coast, I had already been warned it can get rowdy, esp at weekends, but to be honest I was looking forward to a bit of fun & letting loose. Well, yeah, I let loose a little too much…ended up with the girls getting laid, skinny dipping & generally having an amazing night, while I forgot to eat so ended up puking on the beach, carried home, puking on the dorm floor, puking in the toilet & practically ruining myself for the next 24 hours. Been in San Juan now for 4 days, the girls left Monday morning & since then all I've done is chill in the dorm, mooch about & watch films (REALLY needed this), I also bought a cute little dress, totally not my style at all, but I love it for some weird reason.

Today (Tuesday) I went to the most expensive Hotel here & used the pool, it cost $15 so not cheap but I also got a free cocktail & free tortilla chips & salsa, yum :) The Infinity pool is immense & I thoroughly enjoyed feeling like I was on vacation somewhere glam, sipping cocktails, even if it was only for 3 hours, even if I did have to come back to a shared 9 bed dorm where the power is out & there are no lights or internet, booo. I seem to have also turned into a black person in those 3 hours in the sun, but that's ok in my book, even if my bum is a bit sore.

Tomorrow I leave for Managua in the AM to then catch my 2.30pm flight to Big Corn & then a little wet bumpy boat ride to Little Corn Island, exciting!!!!! Things are more expensive over there but hey, I'll probably only do this once so I've got to give it a go, will also think about doing my Open Water Padi on the Island if I can clear it with a doctor to let me go. Not sure what to expect but everyone seems to love it, so fingers crossed!!

Am thinking about going down to the Black Whale tonight & as it's my last night to try & eat the burger that's as big as a mans head, maybe even bigger. So far no one seems to have done it & for the first time in my life food is actually scaring me when I think about it, rather than it exciting me (because I am a fat b******)…wish me luck :)

P.s I would also like to apologise for the sh*te photos I have been taking lately. I think it's fair to say I hate my cheap temporary camera more then I hate coriander, maybe even more then I hate olives… if it was a person I think I would have stabbed it in the eye by now & I am very tempted to stamp on it repeatedly once I get my flash camera back (but I shant because that would be childish)

Adios Amigos :)x