Although it may seem like I haven't written a blog for over a month I have. In fact I wrote the same huge one. Twice. And then it got deleted. Twice. The perils of India- even the computers are "individual!" So here I am trying for the third time to remember all that we have been up to since Varkala that long time ago.

It had rained the whole time we were there but of course the day we left was beautiful and sunny. Too hot for lugging our bag through train stations on our way to Amritapuri. This is the location of the ashram of Mata Amritanandamayi or Amma (mother.) She is a Hindu spiritual leader who just happens to share the same birthday as me! Amma gives a huge amount to charities throughout the world including building 100,000 homes for the homeless, three orphanages, relief-and-rehabilitation in the face of disasters such as the 2004 Indian Ocean Tsunami, free medical care, pensions for widows and disabled people, environmental-protection groups, slum renovation, care homes for the elderly, and free food and clothing for the poor amongst other projects. She is most famous, however for giving people a hug which is called Darshan and she is estimated to have given it to 29 million people throughout the world.

On the day we arrived at the huge pink ashram there was much excitement as Amma had just arrived back from her tour and would be resting for a short period before setting out again to the states.

We headed to the main temple in the centre to register. All around us people from all over the globe looked very busy and earnest as they bustled around. Many of them had chosen to wear all white as a reflection of their devotion but later this came to illustrate to us the top of the 'in' clique. After signing an enormous list of rules and regulations and paying our fees (£2 each for a basic but private and en suite room as well as 3 meals a day) we settled into our abode and joined the daily tour.

Anne our tour leader was from Germany and although we missed her
introduction at the beginning she had obviously been there some time and was definately a keen devotee. The way she talked about 'mother' was very reverant although she also managed to come across as if speaking about someone she was very personal and close with, despite never having met her. The conversation was littered with things like "Amma is only just back and so is resting. She says she may well lead us down to the beach for bhajan (chanting) later depending on how she feels" and "we've been waiting until Amma gets back to talk to her about the stray dog problem- she always had such good ideas"

She was also sporting an Amma watch and bag- that made me determined to check out the shop! Our tour ended and we headed to the beach where we could hear the beginning of the evening bhajan (chanting.) We had been told that you would hear a very clear loud voice if Amma had graced them with her presence- we listened in anticipation- it would be great to see her.But no luck- she was tired.We had a fantastic vege burger for dinner and retired to our room- probably on one of the highest floors we've stayed on at 16- it felt very funny being in a tower block!

We both slept well but of course woke up very early with the sun streaming through the window. We headed to geta juice from the juice bar which was a charming little shack with a very long complicate rules of processing people that gives the McDonalds one a run for it's money. I've tried to capture them but you have to be familiar with India to insert the colour I can't! First you tried to get to the first little window.It's difficult because lots of other people including kids from the nearby college (funded by Amma) are also trying to get a juice or ice cream.Queuing definitely does not help but pushing and jostling do and are very much respected.When you finally reach the opening a very dour woman will give you a second to glance at the menu on a little blackboard and would expect to take your order the next.If you missed the window another waiting period ensues. When she takes your order she will not understand what you are saying at least 8 times and will require the translation services of someone in the queue who will say EXACTLY what you said.She will then nod, give you a dirty look for wasting her time and write it down on a piece of paper.

Inexplicably you then split up according to sex to collect your drink despite having just had to practically stand on their toes and inhale their armpit hair a second ago.It gets very sedate now as ladies stand on the left with their own window and gents are separated by an iron pole to the right. When you reach the front of this queue another lady will give you a dirty look, take your piece of paper, throw it in the bin and carry on talking to her friend.You will now not be sure what to do and if your drink is coming but don't worry- she just has a conversation to finish no matter how thirsty you are. 5 minutes later she will reach into the massive chest fridge she has been leaning on the whole time and scoop a ladle of delicious fresh mango nectar into a tin cup that you must wash and return as soon as you finish the last sip.

But the juice is so worth it, cool and the freshest ripe Indian sweetest fruits you could imagine, almost toffee like in their taste. Immediately you want to go through the whole process again but are not sure if you will have time before lunch so will drag yourself away to the shop. That was our process anyway! We then went on to purchase a lovely Amma watch for me. Charles has been bugging me to get a watch ever since I started asking him the time like every 10 minutes- I can't imagine why! I have been waiting to get the perfect one and this is definitely one of them- costing the princely sum of a pound it has a pink face and Amma's cheesy beaming face on it. I will be devastated when it inevitably breaks.Luckily at that price I could afford to buy a back up purple one….

Staying there really was a fascinating interlude.I as a bit panicky that I would go somewhere like that and have one of two extreme reactions.Either "Oh no this is a really scary cult get out of here now" or, more worryingly "Oh no I'm not leaving I'm going to live here forever and ever- what are you doing Charles because I am definitely staying oh please stay please ahhhhh."But I didn't feel either of those ways.It wasn't a scary cult because the religion wasn't really present except in the form of a few religious icons and I have always found Indian Hindu symbols stunning anyway. The devotion to Amma seemed to be more in the way of a sister and respected person rather than flagellating in a pope devotion type way and when you dig behind the facts the work that she has done is actually seriously impressive- it is pretty much one of the most charitable causes in the world for the work it does.

But I also didn't want to stay forever and the main reason for that (leaving aside living in a tower block albeit it being pink) was the people there.Of course the Indian people were Indian- charming yet rude, belligerent yet hilarious, kind but obstinate, same as anywhere really. It was the westerners who surprised me.There were people there of all ages and both sexes from every nationality.There were a lot of middle aged women and I'm sure a lot of people coming to find peace and solace, perhaps from a stressful situation or incident. But for some reason, and we could pick this up even by being there just a day, it seemed to bubble with cliques like you would find at school. Everyone shunned or alternatively were very effusive towards people they walked past, the people dressed all in white seemed to feel they were superior to those dressed in other clothes- despite everyone dressing in an Indian fashion as according to the rules. It led me to question whether this was just natural in any environment and I guess that it is, particularly in one that felt so much like a boarding school or university campus as that one did. I just thought it would be completely non- judgmental and accepting.And if you asked anyone there I'm sure they would say that they are those things.But even when those people get together do those that feel superior always put themselves as so and create a class system?

After that amateur philosophy we jumped into a car to head again for some relaxation- this time by the famed Kerala backwaters.It is an absolutely stunning environment with rice paddies in between tiny straw hatched villages with men sitting on charming snake boats fishing in their Dhotis (loincloth.) We treated ourselves to a nice place for a couple of nights splashing out 30 pounds on "The Lemon Tree" in Alleppey from where we would get a houseboat.The hotel was beautiful with a lovely pool going onto a lake.In fact it was so nice we extended our stay for another day and got a bit burnt! Two days later our beautiful little houseboat pulled up at the pier and we climbed on board.With its traditional wooden frame and palm thatched roof it was like a beautiful floating cottage. We had our own room with a double bed and little toilet and the front of the boat housed two wicker thrones for us to sit on and enjoy the view.

For the next 2 days we did just that. We motored up and down tiny streams and rivers by day waving at locals, stopping in the evening in a deserted area to lie on the front and take in the most stunning display of millions of stars after enjoying a delicious meal of huge fresh tiger prawns and crab we had bought from the local fishermen.It was absolutely idyllic and definitely an experience to remember.Our two boatmen spoke very little English so sadly it was hard to get to know them much but they were super sweet- on the last day we moored outside the captains house and were taken in to meet his children and say a quick hello to his wife who hid shyly behind the doorway peering.All good things must come to an end and our Kerala end was in Kumurakom.We spent a night there in a beautiful heritage home and then jumped on a train to Coimbatore the next day to go to an Ayurvedic retreat in Coonor, the Nigliri hills.

The drive from Coimbatore was just under 3 hours.The first half of it was relatively normal when it comes to Indian driving- thinking you are going to die very frequently but not actually holding your breath and shouting at the driver- your manners are too good for that- even if you will die because of your upbringing.No, it was the second half we could save for that as we headed up the mountain towards the hill station.The air got cooler as we rose, which, coming from 42 degree heat was a big relief but it was difficult to focus on that when constantly staring death in the face.Imagine all rules of driving and then turn them on your head.We now definitely know the necessity of each and every one of them.In fact what was truly stunning to us was that on the return journey down three and a half weeks later we would stop to pick up a fully uniformed high ranking police woman who would have no objection to this driving and in fact encouraged him to do it further.When I asked "This driving is ok for police in India yes?" she nodded, shrugged and gave a little waggle of the head which can mean anything but in this instance I interpreted to mean "It's India- what are you gonna do about it" a commonly encountered sentiment by us goras (foreigners)

So we twisted and turned up the mountain with no fences and sheer cliffs, overtaking huge trucks on blind corners whilst massive buses plowed towards us with their headlights on full beam blinding everyone. Whenever there was a queue of traffic because a bus was finding it hard to get around a particularly tight corner we would use this opportunity to drive the wrong way up the road overtaking traffic, playing a lottery until something suddenly appeared and we had to hope a kind soul let us back in before we were obliterated.By the time we arrived we were very relieved to have our journey over with and signed another huge set of rules for admittance to the "Ayurvedic Yoga retreat" which would be our home for nigh on the next month. It is a retreat based on traditional Indian homeopathy which is Ayurveda. This compromises of pills and potions (including ones that have been fermented for months) as well as treatments and massages. The main reason we went was to learn yoga from the fantastic masters there but it was a great opportunity to get daily massages, get healthy and see if it could touch my neck and back problems.

The days there were fantastic but pretty similar- they went a little something like this.

6am- Wake up to a lovely smiling man with an excellent moustache knocking on your door.His name is Dilip and despite feeling shattered it is impossible to be angry with him- he is too happy.His job is to give you a disgusting tasting medicine which will make you feel sick when you've just woken up. After you have been there for a couple of days you wise up to putting it aside and taking it before breakfast.

6.30am- Yoga in the beautiful round yoga hall led by the fantastic Ganesh with another great moustache.It's guaranteed to make you smile as his booming voice chants out the opening prayer and his "phase up Phase up's" to encourage you to look at the ceiling brighten up your day

7.30am- Monkey feeding. A huge troop of them lives on the road a short walk away with the sole purpose of living off tourists at the retreat bringing them food every morning. The obligingly take it out of your hand and look cute for photos as long as you bring them rice.

8.30am- "Good evening" shouts an impossibly cheerful Mohan the chef. "You have breakfast? Juice, mangos, uppam, idli chutney, juice, mangoes, juice." This will be whilst he is striding around serving everybody and grinning like a Cheshire cat.In fact he looks just like one with big orange henna patches in his hair surrounding his bald patch, his portly tummy, yellow gold and diamond flower earrings and huge smile. If you fail to make it to breakfast this performance will be repeated outside your door with a hurt "why you not come?"

10.30am-12.30am- Treatments from gorgeous ladies or men depending on your sex.We had dry powder massages for exfoliation and weight loss, deep tissue massages, oil baths, butter massages and pounding with herbs for- well I'm not sure really but it felt amazingly good! It's very surreal at first as you have so much attention being paid to you- 2 therapists at a time. It gets worse when at the end they give you a shower and wash you but after the third day you just resign yourself to it and enjoy it!

12.30am- Weight loss Yoga.Ganesh's brother Senthil is determined to make you feel the burn as you hold poses for what seems like for EVER! Every single clock in the place has a different time on it inexplicably and Mohan's in the kitchen is 25 minutes fast in relation to standard time.This means he rings the lunch bell at least 10 minutes before the class will end on the yoga hall clock- torture! Stomach rumbling you battle on through and then head down to the garden

1.00pm- Lunch- is a Thali with vegetables and maybe a Daal, rice and perhaps a lentil dish all in small bowls. After 3 weeks it gets quite destroying despite the quality as the menu is pretty repetitive. It becomes like prison where you discuss foods dreamily like they are crack. Oh and just to help it go down there are more horrible medicines. Before and after the meal!

2.00pm- 7pm- More treatments, perhaps a perusal into town, doing Reiki to practice the skills I learnt on an extra course. Maybe getting reflexology from one of the yoga teachers (incredibly painful but in a strange good way!) Being starving and looking forward to dinner, fantasizing that they will have got some sort of fish or something (the place is pure vegetarian - that means nothing with eggs too)

7.00pm- Dinner- again with medicines as a starter and dessert. .. It is delicious Northern Indian food (and the added bonus of a freshly made soup) but conversations mostly involve what type of cake you would like to appear in front of you before retiring to your room to get an early night!

And that is how we spent days short of a month- and very nice it was too.It sounds military but ewe both loved yoga. Of course Charles' weight dropped off when he wasn't even there to lose weight and I managed to somehow gain a couple of pounds even after doing a 4 day "purgation" where you take tablets to make you sick and just eat soup all day (Yes I know it sounds funny but when in India…) My body really is quite extraordinary and sometimes it makes me very angry indeed!The Nilgiris are absolutely lovely and we took a couple of day trips to the nearby hill station of Ooty which is nice too.Of course the climate is the most attractive thing about the place- beautifully bright and sunny but pleasantly cool after everyone else as it is in the mid 20's.

We had decided that after the retreat we would like to go and relax at the seaside for our last week. The problem was in finding somewhere that it is pretty rainy in most places.The only place exempt is the east coast below Chennai where we have headed to a place called Mammalapuram.It is a small seaside town mostly visited by Indian tourists and it famous for it's temples as well as the "largest bas- relief in the world." Very impressive it is too. Of course as this is India none of these sacred and ancient sites are protected.Yesterday we went to one place and got there after closing."Don't worry" the security guard told us, "just climb the fence here." Of course everyone else is climbing all over the monuments including goats, children, cows and of course a never ending supply of rubbish.

The rubbish problem is just ridiculous here.It is difficult to work out what to do about it.Every Indian person you speak to says "oh yes very bad problem" and then you watch them throw something on the floor.They will also say however when pressed further that there are no bins or rubbish collection and that is absolutely true. Where do you put your rubbish if there is no bin? On the floor.But you don't want it smelling by your house so you go to a grassy area and dump it there.Hence any vaguely open space, green area or river is absolutely overflowing with litter. Why aren't the government doing anything about it bar putting a few signs up saying "don't drop litter" that are, inevitably, surrounded by litter?In the book by Suketu Mehta "Maximum city" he cites examples of India trying to "jump steps into the future" and missing out important ones in between.To me this is a classic example. Ministers and government worrying about how they can claim they are "eco friendly" as it is the word of the moment but not actually making it practically possible.

Anyway we have been here for four days and it has been very pleasant relaxing.The sun is a bit hot to soak up at over 40degrees but it is nice to be by the sea and eat fresh tandoori fish and huge tiger prawns- especially after a vegetarian month!Mothers look away now… We also hired a classic Indian Enfield Bullet motorcycle- a huge thing with 500cc and the beautiful balloon fuel tank.They are made just up the road in Chennai.As per usual when hiring it we didn't give any of our details- he just took Charles' photocard driving license as an afterthought just as we were driving off!

It has been lovely to cruise around- we took a 200km road trip to Pondicherry and back on Tuesday and returned late at night with very sore bottoms. It was so fun going through villages and nearly dying a lot of times as buses came within an inch of us. Highlights included going over a massive snake in the road and driving behind a tiny scooter carrying 2 very fat men with 3 live bleating goats over their laps! Pondicherry is a beautiful town and so unbelievably French!It's the language you hear everyone talking, the road names are in French and there is a massive 'Hotel de Ville.' We also had some lovely fish au Vin and prawns for lunch, wandered into Sri Aurobinda ashram, drove around enjoying the architecture and then headed back on the road here.On the way back we went to check out the utopia that is Auroville.

Auroville is best described by it's own mission statement;

"Auroville wants to be a universal town where men and women of all countries are able to live in peace and progressive harmony above all creeds, all politics and all nationalities. The purpose of Auroville is to realise human unity."

So ultimately it is a little self created nation where likeminded people live. They come from some 45 nations, from all age groups (from infancy to over eighty, averaging around 30), from all social classes, backgrounds and cultures, representing humanity as a whole. The population of the township is constantly growing, but currently stands at around 2,160 people, of whom approx one-third are Indian. It is a beautiful place.One where there are no police and it is very peaceful.It has been there since 1968 and so the only thing surprising to me is that although it does not rely on the government for schooling, medical care etc as they have built all of these facilities on their huge campus they are not self sufficient for food despite having a lot of land, farms, bakeries, a dairy etc and lots of free labour.Again it does do a lot of work for charity though- 500 children from local villages attend school there and all their medical clinics have an outreach program. A fascinating place to drop into and the only place like that in the world.Of course you can't wander round it like a zoo staring at the "Aurovillians" but they do have a great visitors centre with loads of information in it.

So yesterday was our last day here. It's been a lot of lasts including our last coconut fresh from the tree for a while yesterday. They are so yummy I will miss them loads.In fact when I tried to get one when we got back from our road trip late I realized the value of them when asking the waiter for one.He was grief stricken "but madam it is dark now." I didn't understand. "It is too dangerous for me to climb the tree in the dark- you see we have lots of fresh coconuts here but I cannot climb the tree in the dark."So every time I had brazenly ordered one for 50p some poor guy had to climb up the tree- they must be really annoyed! And there was us complaining that it was a bit too hot.Of course we knew they came from the tree- we're not that stupid but not that they were cut to order!

At lunchtime we fly to Mumbai, the last stop on our epic adventure before flying back to the UK on Saturday- unbelievable. Not as incredible as you making it to the end of this mammoth blog!